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Boys will be boys, but you're getting too old to use that excuse.


Just wanted to let you know that it's possible to exercise and then not post about it on Facebook.

May your age be as irrelevant to you as your birthday is to others.

I want to fill you up like my DVR in early fall.

If you worked as hard at your job as you do at playing Grand Theft Auto V you might be able to afford a car.

Let's spice things up in the bedroom by making a tape of us deciding we're too tired to have sex.

You have the perfect autumn body.

Sorry the most exciting thing to happen in your sex life this fall is the new prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto V.


Your driving in Grand Theft Auto isn't nearly as scary as your driving in real life.

My kid's head lice feel like members of the family in that they're embarrassing and show up unannounced.

I want to see you naked as much as I don't want to see Walter White in his underwear.

I have more food in my body than in my fridge.

We should have a lot of sex this fall since my seasonal affective disorder makes it impossible for me to get out of bed.

The arrival of sweater season has coincided perfectly with my new habit of eating every carb I can possibly wedge inside my body.

Please don't mistake this birthday wish for any form of potential friendship.


I aspire to be the beautiful, together person my Facebook profile suggests I am.

You're the best friend I could ever settle for.

I am fully committed to this relationship unless you ask me to go apple picking.

Thanks for being willing to conduct our entire friendship online.

You're as great a friend as you are a terrible employee.

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