Right? We've all been there...and to rehab.

This little critter has a serious drinking problem. Instead of foraging for actual raccoon food or trying to find a mate, the sauced fella is six sheets to the wind in an undisclosed liquor warehouse. He is sober enough (barely) to stumble off when the cameraperson comes too close, but I think it's going to be a lot harder for it to sleep off the human-sized headache inside that tiny raccoon skull.

Animals, in case you were wondering, love booze. They can't make it (although with their opposable thumbs, raccoons may be close to developing the technology), but they can still get pretty messed up by foraging for old fruit. Drunken deer near apple orchards, for example, are super dangerous (apples fall on the ground and ferment). Also, sad but true: bears love gasoline fumes.

Finally, a stupid story to laugh at!

That could be lots of stuff...like a cornucopia...or a...horn.(via The Guardian)

That trumpet looking thing is an art piece by a man named Anish Kapoor. It's currently installed in France's Palace of Versailles. The official title of the piece is "Dirty Corner," but it's nickname from the artist has been "the queen's vagina." He's backpedaling on that, as there's been a bit of an uproar. Which is frankly surprising! If there's a country I'd think would be cool with having a massive sculpture of a queen's vagina on public property, it'd be France. Fickle Parisians.

In the grand tradition of objecting to art, the work has been anonymously vandalized. Here it is sprayed with some sort of white and yellow stuff:

La douche.(via The Guardian)

It's funny to me that "Dirty Corner" is what's setting people off when another piece INSIDE the palace is described thusly:

Inside the palace itself is a smaller work: a cannon that fires red wax at white walls, symbolizing a phallus and an ejaculation of blood.

What?? All these arty private parts need to go to the clinic.

Colorado State Senator Mike Johnston got up in the middle of the night to compose a handwritten letter.

Senator Mike Johnston.(via Twitter)

It's barely been a day since the tragic massacre at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina. As everyone struggles to come to grips with the horror of what happened, one local lawmaker from Colorado decided he couldn't just sit by and do nothing. He had to fight back against the despair with a message of togetherness and positivity.

Senator Johnston got up in the middle of the night and wrote a letter to the pastor and elders of Shorter Community AME Church, a Denver congregation affiliated with the church in South Carolina. Johnston drove to the church and taped the letter to the door, so they would see it first thing when they got in the morning.

As it turns out, he didn't even have to wait that long. The pastor, Dr. Timothy Tyler, was so grief-stricken he couldn't sleep either, and saw Johnston's post on Facebook. He drove over to the church to get the letter. “It touched my heart so greatly," he told The Denver Post.

Here's Johnston's Facebook post, including the full text of the letter, as well as his message to anybody reading it:

Since the letter went up, Johnston has received an outpouring of support. People have been taking up his #onlylovecandothat hashtag for their own messages of hope:

A message of support for St Luke AME family in #Nola based on loving example of @MikeJohnstonCO#onlylovecandothatpic.twitter.com/gyViYS3sZW
— Eric Parrie (@eparrie) June 18, 2015

Thanks to Maggie from @NSNO_NOLA#onlylovecandothatpic.twitter.com/ZwJj3jW7dD
— Mike Johnston (@MikeJohnstonCO) June 18, 2015

@MikeJohnstonCO thank you for the example. To St. Luke's AME in Nashville. #onlylovecandothatpic.twitter.com/lXX4oOVLGW
— Emily Freitag (@EmilyFreitagTN) June 19, 2015

There's nothing more inspiring than people reaching out to each other in their time of need. That's what love can do.

1.

"Judging from the number of machines trying to kill you, son, maybe I should have named you John Connor." (via redditor immorta1)

Dads. They come in all shapes and sizes (mostly Dadbods, though), but there is one thing that unites them: the fact that for 18 years, it is their job to make sure you don't get squished, slammed, crushed, dropped, or hurt in anyway. Peter Parker's "Spidey Sense" was a super-power, but only because he got it before fathering children. Apparently (according to these videos), it comes free with the territory.

2.

This is one dadbod with the reflexes of a supermanbod. (via redditor boondocksainten)

3.

I can tell I'm still in the kid category because I was still upset the wheel got dented.
(via redditor muddyjake)

4.

Screw a Father of the Year mug. This guy has a Father of the Year palm bruise.
(via redditor blitzkrieg564)

5.

This dad can have his cake and eat it too, no thanks to his kids.
(via redditor Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo)

6.

Bulls 44, Knicks 64, Dad One Billion(via redditor preggit)

7.

I just imagined the dad blowing a little smoke off the kid's shoes before holstering the little bugger. (via redditor Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo)

8.

When you're an adult, kid, you can eat as much fire as you want. (via redditor confluencer)

9.

Young lady, what did I tell you about breaking your nose on things?(via redditor Yellowben)

10.

Granted, the problem he's avoiding was one he created, but good job nonetheless.
(via redditor citizen_coping)

11.

A drone is not a child, but when an expensive toy breaks, children cry.
(via redditor librarianC)

12.

If only there was a giant version of this man for drunk college kids.(via redditor Cardinal_FpS)

13.

The less-frequently seen but always-impressive grandpa reflex. (via redditor gulpeg)

Bonus: It takes a village to catch a baby.

Ohhhhh so that's what airport security is actually there for.(via redditor yoshijaz)

Let's see that from another angle.(via redditor cubikscubed)

Bonus bonus: Raising a dog takes reflexes, too.

"Again! Again!" (via redditor jerschneid)

On November 27, 2013, the Walt Disney Company unleashed a force unto the world that has been so unforgiving in its constant assault on the senses that, at this point, it is pointless to fight it.

(via Disney/CartoonsImages.com)

If your household full of small children is anything like my household of small children, the monster that is Frozen has a severe grip on your small children and it refuses to… well… let it go.

We try to limit the amount of TV that we allow our kids to watch, but sometimes after chasing two toddlers around for an entire day, we give in. Sometimes you have to put the TV on so that you can do other things like cook dinner without burning one of the kids, or go to the bathroom without a lot of pointing and laughing.

Frozen is fine. I try to not be bothered by entertainment for children. It's not for me. You cannot get mad that dumb shows for babies are dumb. My children genuinely love it, and even though they've seen it countless times, they still get so much joy out of it; I'm not such a broken toy that I can't appreciate that. The repetition is what is destroying me. There really isn't much new to glean from the 30th viewing of Frozen, and there certainly isn't anything new on the 93rd.

So, when I was presented with free tickets to "Disney on Ice Presents: Frozen on Ice sponsored by Stonyfield YoKids Organic Yogurt" (on Ice), I jumped at the chance. If someone had asked me if I wanted to see a Japanese kabuki interpretation of Frozen, yes, goddammit, yes. Anything different!

The tickets came from a beloved family member with a relationship to the arena. It's important to stress this because if it were not for this very generous gift, my children would never even know that it was possible to reenact a computer generated animated film with real people on ice. At some point, Disney on Ice must have gotten it into their head that they were legitimate theater and not just a traveling theme park show on ice, because tickets are priced to compete with Broadway. For the prices I was seeing, the original voice cast better be out there on ice skates.

What you get instead is a hockey arena full of kids dressed like princesses, sitting in awe while their dads try to work through the flop sweat of financial ruin. If you are a dad who is about to attend one of these shows, you better invest in your children's wonder now, because there is absolutely nothing else for you here. The name of the game is vicarious joy, and if you don't know how to play it, I hope you can sleep with your eyes open. I thought maybe there'd be some pretty ladies at least, but our seats were far back enough and my eyes are mostly garbage enough that everyone was just a blurry impression of humans from what I presume to be the strangest level of show business.

#1 Suicide profession is no longer dentist. It's Disney On Ice performer and me.
— WebTV's SeanSullivan (@MrSeanSullivan) February 22, 2015

I actually have a lot of respect and admiration for the skaters that perform for Disney on Ice. These are people desperately holding onto a dream. They are not going to let the fact that they are never going to make the US Olympic skating team deter them from their careers as professional ice skaters. Sure, they have to lip sync, and some of them have to climb inside of a giant reindeer costume with another human being, but they are making a living doing what they love.

The role of the dad at something like this is to carry a tired child to the car and spend lots and lots of money. Holy shit. What are they going to want you to buy first? Is it the $16 snow cone that comes in a completely impractical snowman-head cup? Or maybe it's the $14 bag of cotton candy that, by its very definition, is mostly air? No. The big ticket item, the one thing every kid sitting in a dark arena watching the dying dreams of former Olympic hopefuls wants is the, no shit, $35 sex-toy-looking wand thing that lights up and spins. Thirty-five f**king dollars. If you don't know the financial value of the love you have for your children, go to Disney on Ice. Mine is $34.99.

Luckily, I am married to an incredibly bright woman who opted to pre-purchase two “Frozen Inspired Fairy Princess Light Up Snowflake Wands." That's right. By sneaking two $10 knock-off novelty toys into the arena like a kid sneaking a joint into the Warped Tour, my wife was able to save me from having to try and explain to my kids that I love them but not “I'll spend $70 for two stupid spinning light up things" love them.

I sat in that arena with my wife who was holding my daughter in her light-up Elsa dress (that we also snuck in). In my lap sat my son, in his Olaf the Snowman costume he refuses to take off like he's auditioning for the reboot of Adventures in Babysitting, as I was bored out of my mind for close to three hours. Was it worth it? Yes. My kids had a great time, and ultimately that's all that matters to me when it comes to this type of bullshit.

(images via Sean Sullivan/video via Theme Park Review/JWL Media)

This video of Lady Gaga covering John Lennon's "Imagine" is really nice, and sometimes it's wonderful to just sincerely like something.

Don't worry, guys — I'm sure I'll have a whole bunch of sarcastic jokes about vaginas for you later today. But for now, I'd like to take a moment to just say how much I like this video of Lady Gaga covering "Imagine" at the opening ceremony of the European Games. Her flower-covered piano is gorgeous, her voice is fantastic, and watching this gives me the sort of sincere "aw" feeling that I'm used to immediately deflecting with humor. In fact, I'm going to stop writing right now before I accidentally do that. Watchthisvideoitsreallyniceokbye!

Could have been worse. She could have given up the ghost.

Apparently, the woman in the above video woke up after some leg surgery feeling a little whacked out from the pain meds that were coursing through her nervous system. Upon looking down at her hands, she discovered that one of them was Pac-Man and the other one was Inky (or possibly Blinky (or maybe Pinky (you know, it could have been Clyde))).

So, she did what any rational person would do in that situation and had a panic attack, worrying about what her ghost hand would do to her Pac-Man hand.

Reminds me of the time when I woke up after getting a tooth extracted and discovered that my left thigh was a wagon traveling down the Oregon Trail. My foot died of dysentery five times that day.

"Caaaaaawwww yeah, that's the spot."

Everybody knows that sharks like getting their bellies rubbed. It's pretty much the most famous thing about sharks, right? Or at least top three. If you ask somebody to list three attributes of sharks, they'd probably say: 1) voracious appetite; 2) relentless killing machines; 3) love belly rubs.

What you might not know, however, is that eagles also like getting their bellies rubbed, a fact that is clearly evidenced in the video above. Maybe there's something about being a top tier predator that makes the stomach feel a little sour. Maybe these animals come home at the end of a long day of hunting and devouring and they say to their spouses: "Ugh, all of this predatoring is really wreaking havoc with my digestive system." And then their spouses say, "What do you want from me? I don't have dexterous frontal limbs."

Maybe. Probably not, but maybe.

A leaked contract between Marvel and Sony lists very specific traits that Spider-Man must have.

He is a mergers and acquisitions lawyer, but he always dreamed about trying an open mic. (via Gawker)

As you can see, Peter Parker is always going to be the same straight white dude Spider-Man. Because it's the law. The contract is just one embarrassing reveal from the larger hack of Sony Pictures, and it shows just how entrenched the idea of superheroes as straight white males can be (though thankfully we can look forward to Black Panther and Captain Marvel...in 2017 and 2018). Gawker also points out that this contract is strange because it went into effect after black-latino character Miles Morales assumed the role of Spider-Man in the comics. However, some people speculate that the Morales character might eventually take over in the movies. As long as he's not gay!

Because there's also this little laundry list, which is about Spider-Man in general, not just Peter Parker.

Does not love his wife, but will stay with her to keep up appearances. (via Gawker)

I wonder which other characters have strict identity stipulations. Hopefully, Rocket Raccoon's documents just list over and over again, "Rocket Raccoon must be voiced by Bradley Cooper, because that's funny to think about. Rocket Raccoon must be voiced by Bradley Cooper, because that's funny to think about."

Remember when Brian Williams told all those lies? Here he is, not exactly apologizing.

It was fun when Brian Williams was just a news anchor who rapped and made fun of hipsters and had a daughter who got her butt eaten out on HBO. I found him likeable then and I find him likeable now. If you still want to believe in that guy, here he is rapping Snoop Dogg's classic "Who Am I?":

Of course, finding him likeable doesn't change that he's a total phony. Also, it's not that funny when tight-laced white guys rap.

Here are some quotes from the interview Williams conducted with Matt Lauer today on TODAY:

"This came from clearly a bad place, a bad urge inside me. This was clearly ego-driven, a desire to better my role in a story I was already in."

That's very close to admitting you were wrong, but not quite. Self-reflection is good though, and at least he's not minimizing the issues that angered his audience. Though, he does try to drive home the point that most of his "stories" were told on late night television, not when he was sitting in the Nightly News anchor chair. Asked to write his own headline, here's what he came up with:

"A chastened and grateful man, mindful of his blessings, mindful of his mistakes, returns hoping for forgiveness and acceptance."

A little wordy.

By the time doctors stopped dismissing Bronte Doyne's concerns about her health, it was too late.

Bronte Doyne. (via Facebook)

Bronte Doyne was 19 when she died on March 23, 2013. Only 16 months before, the Nottingham, UK teenager had complained about severe stomach pains. But her doctors wouldn't take her claims seriously.

Initially, she was diagnosed with appendicitis. Eventually, that diagnosis changed. It turned out she was afflicted with fibrolamellar hepatocellular carcinoma, an extremely rare cancer that only affects 200 people a year in the entire world.

Doctors operated, and told Bronte that she would be fine. That didn't put her mind at ease. She researched her disease online, and found that it had a high rate of recurrence. She brought this up to her doctors at Nottingham University Hospitals NHS Trust, who dismissed it. They told her to "stop Googling" her symptoms. In one case, she was denied treatment at a hospital, even though she was there on her general practitioner's recommendation. She wrote in her diary:

"I got so angry because the doctor was so rude and just shrugged his shoulders. He gave me a sarcastic comment like you can sleep here if you want but they won't do anything."

In another instance, doctors explained that her rapid weight loss was due to her being from a "skinny family." Eventually, her incessant pleading convinced hospital staff to readmit her. She died ten days later.

Now, Bronte's mother Lorraine is going public with her daughter's diary entries, tweets, and text messages. She wants people to see what it looks like when doctors don't take their patients seriously, so that it doesn't happen to anyone else. These archives of Bronte's thoughts tell a tragic story.

my body does not feel very good #helpme
— Bronte Doyne (@BronteDoyne) July 29, 2012

No food for 2 day hopefully I can have soup and not be sick #feelingsorryformyself
— Bronte Doyne (@BronteDoyne) February 3, 2013

Ripped my drip out had two scans I dont remember and told a nurse to fuck off. #memoryloss
— Bronte Doyne (@BronteDoyne) March 16, 2013

The hospital, NUH NHS, has apologized, saying "We didn't listen with sufficient attention." They vowed to embrace the "Internet age." Medical director Dr. Stephen Fowlie released this statement:

"Bronte died less than 16 months after diagnosis of an extremely rare cancer and prompt surgery. We explored all potential treatments, including participation in trials at other centres when her cancer returned. Sadly, there were no further surgical, chemotherapy or radiotherapy treatment options for Bronte's very aggressive cancer. We apologise that our communication with Bronte and her family fell short. We did not listen with sufficient attention. We are sharing the learning from Bronte's experience. Lorraine is assisting us to improve how we help patients."

It is true that many patients who self-diagnose actually do themselves more harm than good, but it's nice to see the hospital taking some responsibility. There's clearly a happy medium to be found, where doctors and patients work together to make sure the best treatment is administered. And the key to finding that balance is respect.

I'm sorry, but I must quibble with .2% of these deaths. [Spoilers...DURR]

First, watch the video from the folks at Digg. Then I'll begin my little fan-rant.

Wait for it.

OK. Sansa and Reek/Theon are not dead! Yes, they jumped off the same wall that Myranda fell to her death from, but with a major difference: Myranda fell (well, belly-flopped) onto the cleanly-swept stone floor of Winterfell, whereas Sansa and Reek/Theon jumped outside the wall. We've seen Winterfell receive snowfall in literally every episode this season. Combined with winds, we have every reason to think there is a significant snowpack at the bottom of that (admittedly high) wall.

Finally, Jon Snow. Jon Snow is dead. As they say on the other side of the world, it is known. At the same time...is he? As they say on the Iron Islands, what is dead may be Azor Ahai. We saw with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr that resurrection is an established power of Red Priests...and Melisandre is literally a stone's throw away from Snow's rapidly-cooling corpse.

Here are the best little pieces of advice dads have given their kids.

Hopefully, someone was there to help you through life's many turns.

Just in case you're spending Father's Day racking your brain trying to remember the helpful wisdom your own dad tried to impart, here are some of the best examples of advice we had time to collect:

"Don't give away too much of yourself online"

My stepdad said this to me after reading a piece I wrote about a huge dick (both emotionally and physically) that I encountered. He called me immediately and told me I should really stop giving so much detail into my personal life. While I was mortified that he read my "Giant Dick" article, I'm also thankful that he looks out for me and only wants the best for me. He reminds me to preserve some part of myself for in-person interactions, and not to give my whole life away on the Internet, despite my inclination to do so for my writing career. Sorry you had to read about my sex life, Jim. I promise it's not going well right now anyway, so you won't have to read about it again any time soon. — via Kelly Diamond

But, on the other hand...

“If you don't write exactly what you want to, you're letting yourself be slut-shamed."

I was working on a project which very lightly fictionalized every relationship that I've ever had. I was holding back on certain stories, worried about what people would think of the “narrator." My father insisted, as he always has, that I had to tell the exact story that I wanted to tell. He then line-edited every story, never flinching at any of the sordid details. “You've had experiences! The uptights are just jealous!" — via Hannah Schneider

"Never move furniture when wearing flip-flops."

— via Jake Currie

There to make you a winner.

"Your tear ducts aren't connected to your feet."

As my soccer coach, this was my dad's way of saying, "I don't care if you're crying, get back in the goddamn game." I was one of four girls (no brothers), so my dad dealt with more crying than anyone should have to in one lifetime. Basically, he knew he couldn't stop the tears, so he encouraged his over-emotional daughters to keep living our lives in the meantime. And guess what? It totally worked. That's why I have no problem walking around in public with tears streaming down my face. Thanks dad! — via Ashley Bezgin

"If something's not your cup of tea, pour it out and fill it with coffee."

My dad's Moroccan, so he doesn't always get his English sayings exactly right. But the sentiment is clear: Don't live somewhere you don't want to live, don't stay at a job you hate, don't date someone who is tea. Follow your bliss. — via Shira Rachel Danan

"Professional wrestling is the only sport that matters."

True story. — via Brian McGuinness

"(something something something) sunk costs (something something)."

Just because you've already wasted a bunch of time/money/energy doing something stupid doesn't mean you should keep doing it. I'm not a very good listener, but he used that phrase a lot, along with "I'm going to call an audible" when he changed our family plans, which is the most football exposure I ever had as a kid. — via Johnny McNulty

"Stop pulling and just let go."

I was caught up in one of those terrible, dramatic, exhausting romances everyone goes through in their mid-twenties. I was constantly upset by the struggle of keeping this Can't-Tie-Me-Down guy interested until my dad told me: "Love is a tug of war. The harder you pull, the more this guy will resist. Stop pulling so hard." So I let go, the guy fell on his ass before scrambling up to run after me, and I never doubted my dad's wisdom in the ways of love again. — via MJ Wesner

If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times...

"You're not better than anyone else."

I was about ten, riding in a car with my dad. I was complaining about kids at school, and just when I thought he would side with me he said, "You're not better than anyone else." I remember beginning to whine that he didn't see the point, and he added, "And nobody's better than you." I guess he was trying to impart the important lesson that we are all equal, but I would have preferred to hear it the other way around. Way to bury the lede! — via Abbi Crutchfield

"Don't ever date a Republican or a vegan."

When I came out a year or so later he said: "same rules still apply." — via Genya Shimkin

"Never underestimate the power of pussy."

(I can get my mom to email on behalf of my dad for verification...) When my friends believed that their romantic troubles were unique—that their problems with significant others were somehow special—my dad would drop that line to remind them that love/lust has made man do stupid things since the dawn of time. — via Brenden Gallagher

"Life's too short to eat mediocre fruit."

— via Abby Weil

"Watch your drink up there..."

It's probably hard to believe this story if you don't know Bopper Baker (my Dad), but to the 600 people in my hometown, this will make perfect sense. Right before I went away to college, he said, "Missy, you gotta watch your drink up there at them bars." I was I was like, "Daaaaad I knoooow." But he continued. "Yeah, watch it, and make sure don't drink after anyone, that's how you get THE AIDS." — via Missy Baker

"Calm down, don't be stupid, and try not to suck."

First of all, you have to imagine these words being said in a Southern accent by a no-nonsense lawyer with a great sense of humor who would always rather be eating cheese dip. That's my Pop. If I could follow this advice every day of my life, I feel like I'd be a much better person. Sometimes I'd like to offer this advice to other people in my life, but I kind of don't like being punched. Just when I feel like a failure at anything, I think about these words. Then I calm down, remind myself I'm at least trying not to suck, and make the smart decision to dust myself off and try again. — via Lauren Ashley Bishop

"Never get married"

Then he'd storm out of the house and slam the door. — via Mike Cannon

Everything the light touches belongs to The Man. You gotta go out there and earn your way.

"If it's not a big fire...don't fan it."

Once when I was wrestling with a difficult decision, my father told me: "If it's not a big fire, don't fan it." Which doesn't really make sense, because small fires are precisely the ones that need fanning if they're ever going to amount to anything. But what he meant was if there's something you're feeling lukewarm towards and aren't truly passionate about, whether it's a job, a relationship, or what-have-you, you shouldn't keep chasing it just because it's something you used to want. The more common expression "don't add fuel to the fire" is probably what he was getting at. It's the idea that sometimes it's best to "let it be." The Beatles even wrote a song about it, called "Yellow Submarine." — via Stefan Sirucek

“DMT is a sometimes drug but YES! Try DMT!"

My father never told me not to do drugs. He told me not to do heroin or meth and, because he was so reasonable, I listened. He told me not to take drugs from people I didn't know and to do the real drugs with close friends. — via Hannah Schneider

"You know, it's OK to masturbate."

When I was thirteen, my father took me on a week-long trip to California as a Bar Mitzvah gift. Halfway through the trip, this unprovoked talk occurred. There was never any further discussion on the subject. — via Justin Laub

And finally, here my own father's advice to me:

"Don't kick the moose."

This phrase referred to a news story about a guy who was killed after his wife told him to kick a sleeping moose so it would look more interesting in a photo. What my dad meant was that I shouldn't needlessly put myself in danger or tempt fate for stupid reasons. It was particularly helpful when I was a teenager dealing with cops, knowing not to mess with them just for the fun of it (which my brother and I often did anyway). Also, don't listen to your wife if she tells you to do something dumb. — via Dan Wilbur

Now in its third year, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant crowns the king of small cocks.

Step aside, too-flashy sports car: the small-penised men of Brooklyn no longer need you! (Well, they probably didn't need you in the first place because they take the subway, but I digress.) Instead of being ashamed of their wee wanks, some gentlemen have been flaunting their tiny packages, thanks to the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant, which recently had its third annual celebration of tiny dicks (and the men attached to them).

The pageant was started by Aimee Arciuolo, manager of the Kings County Bar in Brooklyn, where the event takes place. She was inspired after fooling around with a poorly endowed fella and being super impressed by all the extra moves he had to compensate for his li'l guy. (Side note, gentlemen: Extra moves are welcomed by most ladies and gentlemen, whether you have an underwear gherkin or an underwear eggplant).

The video of the contest above makes it feel like such a joyful thing; it's wonderful to see dudes taking a body part that they've likely been made fun of for and just putting it all out there. The contestants were (unsurprisingly) showmen, doing things like stripping while dressed as a Star Wars stormtrooper. One dude, going by the name Rip Van Dinkle, even traveled to Brooklyn just for the pageant. I guess that's similar to how people travel from small towns to big cities for American Idol tryouts, but your dick doesn't get to be part of a nationally televised singing contest at the end (I think).

If you just can't get enough of small penises, you can watch this video that weirdly looks like it's introducing an app, but is actually about this small penis pageant.

Related: This man made a documentary about his small penis after his marriage proposal was rejected.

The video is in German, but it's also in the international language of spurned love.

Martin from Germany had a bit of a tumultuous divorce with a woman named Laura recently. As he told Metro UK, "My wife left me after 12 years of marriage to be with a friend. I was really angry, so cut up everything and sent her half. I put the rest on eBay as a joke and a message for Laura. Now it's everywhere on the internet, it's crazy." Some may argue that the crazy part was him sawing all their joint possessions in half, but hey, potato potato.

I hope it's front-wheel drive. (via eBay)

The rare iPhone 2.5. (via eBay)

So far, I've learned that "Halbes" (or "halber"?) means "half. (via eBay)

How is this a joint possession? (via eBay)

Still as useful as a LaserDisc player. (via eBay)

The most dangerous unicycle on the market. (via eBay)

My aneboda don't want none unless you got buns, fraulein. (via eBay)

LOL LANDLINE. (via eBay)

The opposite of a loveseat. (via eBay)

How could he do that to a movie as beloved as 'Bullyparade'? (via eBay)

Not included in sale: sadness. (via eBay)

Now called "Automatic for the Heartless, Betraying, Cheating People!" (via eBay)

Get some superglue and you've got yourself a really uncomfortable bench! (via eBay)

Cassandra Bankson, the model and YouTube star with two vaginas, is back with straightforward answers to all the questions you weren't afraid to ask.

Gimmie a sideways "C!" What does that spell? Two cervixes! (via YouTube)

You might know Cassandra Bankson from her YouTube makeup tutorials, or you might remember her as the woman who recently discovered that she has two vaginas. (If you'll allow me the presumption, I think the second one is slightly more memorable.) As promised, Bankson has returned with a video answering viewer questions about what it's like to live with two lady pockets. I really appreciate her candor in talking about an uncomfortable issue — and yep, she does have two periods, and yep, it does suck.

Disclaimer note: Bankson has a lot of great information here, but admits herself that she doesn't know all of the medical facts, so don't take everything she says as hard-and-fast truth. You don't need me to tell you not to use YouTube in the place of a doctor, though, right? I hope not. Because remember this friends: YouTube will never be able to give you a genital exam. The closest we'll ever get to that is probably this robo-butt.

In honor of Father's Day, Upworthy gathered gay men and women and their fathers to have honest conversations about when the kids came out of the closet.

It's been a good week for heartwarming coming out stories — first South Bend mayor/generally badass human Pete Buttigieg came out in a wonderful public letter, and now there's this Father's Day video from Upworthy. Like the best of Upworthy, this video of dads having honest conversations with their gay children makes you feel good, while mostly avoiding that worst-of-Upworthy thing where you feel like you're being completely emotionally manipulated by what they're saying (you're being just a little emotionally manipulated here).

Enjoy the feels. And hey, if you're feeling emotionally raw after, it's the perfect time to go write your own dad an honest Father's Day card. Quick! Do it now, before your natural protective layer of sarcasm returns!

At last: an alliance has been achieved in bird-cat relations, and that alliance is the cutest.

In the new Ghostbusters, the line will be "ducks and cats living together." (via Imgur)

Cats and birds have been natural enemies ever since the first cat grew legs and crawled out of the sea (I'm pretty sure I have that science right). But now, there has been a stunning development in bird-cat relations — Della, a farmhouse cat in Ireland, has adopted three baby ducklings. She encountered the bird babies a few hours after giving birth to her kittens, and apparently her motherly instinct kicked in. (Also, if this is a real thing that happens when you give birth, do human moms try to take every baby home from the hospital?)

Soup's on! And by soup, I mean cat's milk. (via Imgur)

"If you're not good, momma's gonna eat you!" (via Imgur)

"Hmm. Some of my children seem larger than the others. And...quackier." (via Imgur)

You can see all of the images of the cat and ducks on Imgur.