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You're that girl who removes her glasses and everyone suddenly realizes you're just as weird as you were before.


Happy birthday to someone whose party I'm actually not going to try and sneak out of early.

We'll be friends forever or until you move over an hour away.

The bond we share could never be broken by anything except possibly a passive-aggressive Facebook comment.

Happy autumn to a hipster whose year-round flannel wardrobe is temporarily weather-appropriate.

Just because I rarely bother to return your calls and emails doesn't mean I don't consider you a close friend.

I'm celebrating Hump Day by falling asleep on top of you during sex.

I exercise just to make you feel bad about not exercising.


I just gave oral sex to a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

I'm still pretty much wearing the same outfits I did in the '80s.

May the candles on your birthday cake outnumber your gray pubes.

Happy anniversary to a couple whose love and devotion after so many years continues to freak the hell out of everyone.

I want to awkwardly share a bathroom with you for the rest of my life.

Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

America's biggest hole, after your mom.


The amount of time you spend in the office says a lot about how awful your home life must be.

Please don't talk to me like a pirate or anything else today.

I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here.

Sex with you is so good that we should celebrate it by having sex.

I really need to find a hobby at work.

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