As long as there have been humans, there have been boners and vajays, and jokes about those boners and vajays.
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"Shit. I'm getting a boner. I can't let her see my boner. Get away from me, woman!"(From Illustrations of the Passion of Love, 1829)
Recently, you might have seen my round-up of poop and fart jokes from the 1700s. Well, you know what else humans have found hilarious for years and years? Putting penises in vaginas. If you think that the people of yesteryear were all prim-and-proper, chastity-belt-wearing jerks writing poetry about cherubs, think again! These jokes from the 1700s prove that people loved sex just as much as you do. (Assuming you love sex a lot.)
1. Before men carried bananas in their pockets, they carried rifles.
From Ornatissimus Joculator: Or, The Compleat Jester, 1703.
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A Gentleman being in Company with some Ladies, who talkd' very amorously, felt an odd sort of Motion in his Breeches: So he whisper'd one of the Ladies in the Ear, and told her that his Fusee was cock'd. It is so, says she; then you may Fire at me if you please; I'll stand ye, I am not afraid of your Flints, altho' there be two of them.
TL;DR: A dude talking with some ladies gets a boner, and tries to be like, "Oh, hey, I just have a flintlock rifle in my pocket." But the lady is like, "Uh, if that's the case, then there's two of them. But I'm pretty sure one of them is a boner, and you can fire at me with it." Wink!
2. Men are spectacular lock-picks.
From Joe Miller's Jests, 1739.
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A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, "Lord, how is it possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has got a Key to it."
TL;DR: A lady apologizes for having some sex, but says to her friend, "It's kind of hard to keep your vagina locked up when every man has a penis-key."
3. Hard help is good to find. By "hard," I mean like a boner.
From The Jester's Magazine, October 1765.
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Old Lady Lovejoy, aged just Threescore,
Whose lusty Footboy rode behind before,
Is in a Fit of Fondness grown so kind,
He rides within who rode before behind.
TL;DR: A 60-year-old lady started screwing her horny footboy, so now instead of riding on the back of her carriage, he rides inside her vagina.
4. The dad pun of 1700s sex jokes.
From England's Genius: Or, Wit Triumphant, 1734.
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Farmer Read-ng passing over his Grounds one Night, at Little-Holland-House, near Kensington, catch'd a Gentleman and a Lady, against a Five-bar Gate, in the Act of Vitiation; and calling out to know their Business there, at that late Season, the Gentleman made Answer, that They were only going to PROP-A-GATE.
TL;DR: A couple gets frisky next to a gate in a field when a farmer walks up and says, "Yo, you dudes getting all gropey near my gate. What are you doing here?" The guy replies, "We're only going to propagate." Like prop the gate up. But also like having sex. Trust me, your dad will love this one.
5. I hope there was a 1700s version of Jerry Springer.
From The Wit's Magazine; Or, Library of Momus, 1784.
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A booby of a country squire, who made an honest woman of his father's chamber-maid, bolted into the room when she was in labour, and blubbering over her with great tenderness, sobbed out that he was sorry she felt so much pain on his account. "Don't make thyself uneasy, love," said the wife, "I can't bear to see thee fret, for I'm sure it was not thy fault."
TL;DR: When a dumb guy's wife goes into labor, he apologizes for the pain he's causing her. But she's like, "Don't worry about it; it's probably not your baby."
6. Dude, everyone knows that your daughter likes sex.
From Ornatissimus Joculator: Or, The Compleat Jester, 1703.
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One came to a Citizen to buy a Mat, and shewing him many, he liked them not; then he to jeer the Country Fellow, brought forth his Daughter Mat, and told him, this was all the Mats he had: "No," says he, "I must have one that has not been lain upon."
TL;DR: A guy wants to buy a mat, but doesn't like any of the ones the mat-seller has. So then they get the mat-seller's daughter, who is also named Mat for some terrible reason, and the guy buying says, "Yeah, I don't want a Mat that someone has lain upon. In the sex way. Because your daughter has obvi slept with some dudes."
7. Like mother vag-scratcher, like daughter vag-scratcher.
From The Banquet Of Wit; Or, A Feast For The Polite World, 1790
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A forward girl being in company of two or three with her mother, must needs whip her hand up her petticoats and scratch her ----. "Lord, child," says the mother in a pet, "what are you about?" "Only laying the itching of that which you have often plagued my poor father to do for you."
TL;DR: A girl reaches under her skirt in public to scratch her vagina. When the mom asks "WTF?" the kid replies, "I'm just scratching my vagina like you're always asking dad to do for you."
8. I have some problems with your cock sign.
From England's Genius: Or, Wit Triumphant, 1734.
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A Lady of Fashion, who had taken Lodgings at a Breeches Makers, in, or near Piccadilly, whose Sign was the Cock and Breeches, told her Landlord soon after she came there, that she lik'd her Appartments very well, but was asham'd to tell her Acquaintance at what Sign she liv'd; to which the Landlord answer'd, That if she did not approve of his Sign, he'd make any Alteration she should think proper. Then Sir, says the Lady, I desire you to take down your Breeches, and let your Cock Stand.
TL;DR: A fancy woman moved into an apartment above a pants-maker's store, but was embarrassed to tell people she lived above the store with the rooster (aka "cock") and pants on the sign. When she told her landlord, he said he would change the sign. The lady then explained that she only wanted the pants removed from the sign, but that the rooster could stay, which she phrased as "let your cock stand."
9. Somebody's not ready to be exclusive yet.
“Intrigue" means “
to carry on a secret or illicit love affair." From Joe Miller's Jests, 1739.
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A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when he designed to leave off Gaming; when you cease Loving, said he; then reply'd the Lady, you are like to continue a Gamester as long as you live.
TL;DR: A woman who has a bunch of illicit affairs asks her brother when he's going to stop gambling. He replies that he'll stop gambling when she stops having sex, so she's like, "Yeaaaaaaaaah, about that... you're gonna be gambling forever."
10. People have always laughed at small penises.
From The Banquet Of Wit; Or, A Feast For The Polite World, 1790
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A gentleman happening to make water against a house, did not see too young ladies looking out of a window close by, till hearing them giggling, when looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry, "O lord," said one of them, "a very little thing will make us laugh."
TL;DR: A guy pees against a house, not realizing that a couple of women are watching from a nearby window until he hears them laughing. He asks, "Why are you laughing, gals?" And they answer: "Because your dick is hilariously small, basically."
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