It's wonderful that we now live in a country where anyone can have Justin Timberlake sing at their wedding reception (in theory).

A video posted by Justin Timberlake Army (@justintimberlake_army) on Jun 28, 2015 at 6:50am PDT

Friday was a crazy day. SCOTUS ruled for marriage equality, and then Justin Timberlake sang a special gender-bent version of Señorita at a lesbian wedding. Nothing will ever be the same.

The wedding was for Dana Panzer, Jessica Biel's former Tufts roommate, who married Amy Wicker. The Biel-Timberlakes were there as guests, and JT unsurprisingly sounds like an awesome person to hang out with at a wedding. US Weekly talked to an "eyewitness" about the party:

"Throughout the night, Justin really let loose and he started dancing in the middle of the wedding circle having an amazing time dancing to this great band. Then Justin decided he wanted to put on a little concert for the two brides and he jumped on the stage. It was awesome and so special for the brides and all the guests who were so impressed!"

Here's the special intro of Señorita that Justin sang for the occasion:

A video posted by Justin Timberlake Army (@justintimberlake_army) on Jun 28, 2015 at 7:10am PDT

He says, "I'm gonna start something, and all the fellas all look at the ladies. And if you just got married tonight, the ladies gonna look at the ladies, if you know what I'm saying."

This is especially cool because I bet when you invite Justin Timberlake to your wedding, even if you don't admit it to yourself, you're kind of sort of hoping he'll get up, start singing, and change the lyrics to his songs so they're about you. Like, at the least, you've thought about it, and possibly hashtagged your thought #LoveWins.

What's the worst that can happen? Oh, that.

I don't even want to make fun of this guy, because if I were faced with a nearly drained sunken pool that was just begging to have someone run around like a moron in it, I would have made the exact same decision to run around like a moron in it. And I'd have to imagine the same fate would have befallen me. So, in a weird way, I kind of feel like this idiot took a bullet, not just for me, but for unthinking dummies everywhere.

Sir, your brave sacrifice has not gone unappreciated. I shall think of you every time I don't climb into an empty pool and run around like a dumbass.

"The cow is in the house again." — very few people ever in history

You know, I've had a number of animals come into my various homes uninvited over the years—several cats, a handful of squirrels, way too many mice, a couple of burglars, one very aggressive Chihuahua who took exception to my very existence—but I have never had a cow saunter into my living space and make itself at home. Honestly, I never even considered bovine breaking and entering as a possible thing that could feasibly happen. But now that I'm aware of it as a concept, my life somehow seems a bit more empty. Have I made some incorrect choices in my life? What could I have done differently that would have opened me up to the prospect of having a cow in my home?

I need to go somewhere and think.

Some really sweet answers here. Also...lots of hentai.

When America's greatest nude actors and actresses sit down to relieve the stress of the day, to what and to whom do they whack it to? That's what WoodRocket.com asked these porn stars, and the answers were surprisingly nice and sincere. You can watch a NSFW uncensored version at Woodrocket.com, which is what it sounds like. There's the guy who primarily watches his wife's videos, and a heavy preference for authentic, amateur, and tender love-making. There are exceptions to this, of course.

Related: Porn stars without makeup will force you to realize you're masturbating to normal people.

And hentai...lots and lots of hentai. I guess the actual human form gets boring when you see it get pounded all day...and when everyone on screen is your coworker.

"Get if off me. Dude, I'm serious, get it off me!"

House cats are delicate creatures. Some like to be outside, protecting your house from potential feline intruders, but most of them just lounge around indoors, eating your food and shitting on that weird patch of dirt you keep in your bathroom. They can get so accustomed to having four walls and a roof that they forget what the outside world is like. They forget how grass smells, what birds sound like, and whether flora are harmless plants or deadly parasitic organisms. Just look at what happened to this little kitty when a pink flower was placed on its head.

The flower is triggering a traumatic flashback from the cat's past. (via YouTube)

Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe it's not the flower. Maybe the cat was more freaked out by the eerie Russian song being sung in the background.

In the immortal words of George Washington, "My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth. My second wish is to get sloshed."

"Beer is proof that Ben Franklin loved us and wanted us to be bifocals."
(via Thinkstock)

If you think that modern Americans hit the sauce too much, be glad you weren't alive during Colonial times, aka "the saucy years." (History writers, feel free to use that term in American history textbooks in place of "Colonial America.") The Atlanticrecently took a look at the work of Dr. Benjamin Rush, a signer of the Declaration of Independence and an early supporter of temperance. One of the things they found is that early Americans drank a fuckton more than us, starting immediately after the signing of the constitution:

Over the next four decades, Americans kept drinking steadily more, hitting a peak of 7.1 gallons of pure alcohol per person per year in 1830. By comparison, in 2013, Americans older than 14 each drank an average of 2.34 gallons of pure alcohol.

Part of the drinking was a health concern — water back then wasn't always safe to drink. Americans also thought that booze could help various health concerns. According to Ed Crews, writing at History.org:

To their minds, drink kept people warm, aided digestion, and increased strength. Not only did alcohol prevent health problems, but it could cure or at least mitigate them. They took whiskey for colic and laryngitis. Hot brandy punch addressed cholera. Rum-soaked cherries helped with a cold. Pregnant women and women in labor received a shot to ease their discomfort.

And those were far from the only drinks the early Americans had. Colonists also drank wine and cider, strong beers and "small" beers (another term for low-alcohol beer), punches, flips, and more. Hell, I'm surprised Felicity wasn't constantly sucking down applejack in the American Girl books. Or was she? It's been a long time since I've read those. Were they stories about a drunk 10-year-old?

Beyond the health concerns of the Colonial Era, it should be no surprise that there was also an element of early Americans just wanting to drink some damn booze. Like this fellow from Georgia, as quoted by Ed Crews:

If I take a settler after my coffee, a cooler at nine, a bracer at ten, a whetter at eleven and two or three stiffners during the forenoon, who has any right to complain?

Your internal organs, for one. I think they have a right. And that was Dr. Rush's point when he started discussing temperance all the way back in the 1780s — that there are legitimate health concerns to drinking too much. If you look at Rush's moral thermometer, he actually sounds a lot like doctors today:

Hm. I do like Serenity of Mind, but I also like Punch. (via The Atlantic)

Basically, you can drink, but do it with moderation, people. Our water is mostly clean, so you don't have a good excuse.

Could I BE trying any harder not to type "Could Vanessa Bayer BE any more like the 'Friends' characters"?

Bayer was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, and she adapted one of her stand-up bits about Friends. (Friends was this comedic television program that used to be on in the 1990s and 2000s about these six friends who lived in New York and were also friends with each other. It's kind of hard to explain, but just trust me.)

Bayer pulled out a flawless impression of Rachel, a very good Monica, and a fine Phoebe. I would have really liked to see a Ross, but that's just because the first impressions were so good I wanted more. Bayer explains her take on the clique:

"I think that everyone really likes those characters but they're actually like a very exclusive clique, because if someone from the outside tries to hang out with them, they're very, like... They make that person very uncomfortable."

I think that's probably true, but I would only be interested in hanging out with Phoebe anyway. I love that in Bayer's hypothetical scenario, she suggests that Kimmel would have gotten invited over to the Friends apartment by Ross. That's one of the most subtle burns I've ever heard.

After discovering the effect through a digital camera viewfinder, researchers have recreated it in real life.

Computer graphics researchers have created a lighting system that allows you to see the wavelength patterns of plucked guitar strings, and it's quite the amazing effect.

After noticing that plucked strings seemed to form a wave pattern when shot through a digital camera, the researchers set out to recreate the effect in real life without the need of a camera. A lighting system was created that would recreate the "sweeping" pattern that digital cameras use to capture light. It's like moving a document back and forth on a copier as it scans the original.

Why does this work? Our optical senses are slow, comparatively, to the speed of light. Because we aren't seeing every microsecond of information, rapid movement looks blurry to us. It's the same principle that makes movie projectors work: The frames of the movie are being shown one after another, it's just that the pace is so rapid, it looks like movement.

A series of sweeping lights zoom past the strings so quickly, we only perceive the small bits of information that are lit. The sweeping light has to be tuned with the right frequency, however, to actually produce the effect every time a new note is played. The guitars are fed through a computer MIDI controller that adapts the sweeping light to the pitch played on the instrument.

Watch the video for more uses and examples of this amazing lighting device. It would make for an awesome music video.

Let's hope they start doing this for other franchises.

Let's face it: Keeping up with pop culture is hard in this day and age. The second you get familiar with a franchise, some new franchise comes around. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that some old franchise gets rebooted, but either way, there is too much stuff to consume and not enough time. A lot franchises have books, TV shows, and amusement park rides in addition to feature films. Take the Lord of the Rings trilogy: If you've seen the three films, you've only seen a fraction of what actually went down in Middle Earth. Same goes for Star Wars and Star Trek. I've never even considered attempting to penetrate Dr. Who or the Buffyverse. Sure, it's easy to watch the most modern, audience-friendly incarnation of a property, but if you're a true nerd, you don't want to be one of the happy-go-lucky schmucks that real fans hate; you don't want to be one of those people who thinks they can just be a casual fan. I mean, seriously, that's as crazy as thinking these franchises were meant to bring people together in the first place. Ha!

Luckily, IGN has created a loophole for this conundrum, specifically one for people wishing to get into the Terminator series. They made a five-minute video that clearly summarizes everything that's happened in the franchise to prepare new fans for the upcoming Terminator: Genysis. They even manage to make the time travel plots digestible, which is a very difficult task. Thanks, IGN, for letting me fake my way through the Terminator-verse. I mean Terminator universe. Only stupid new fans calls it the Terminator-verse, duh.

Looks like Mr. Jacobs fell ill with a case of tweeting-instead-of-DMing.

Current mood (the one depicted on my MbyMJ t-shirt). pic.twitter.com/VyXq8F1h0h
— Marc Jacobs (@themarcjacobs) June 27, 2015

Thanks to the invention of the screengrab, we all get to gaze upon the bare buttcheek, thigh, torso and dong (maybe) of fashionman Marc Jacobs. I guess after a hard day of designing clothing, sometimes you want to wear zero clothing and send hot butt-photos via Twitter. Unfortunately, you're so exhausted from figuring out what etherial print to use in your Fall 2016 line that you tweet the picture instead of sending a DM. Oopsies!

NSFW image below:

Whose is it to try? I must know.(via Gawker)

OK so I'm like 99% sure that's a picture of the end of a dong and not an unfortunately placed beige shoe. Also, I hope he has the sense of humor to use this image of his probable-penis on an article of clothing in his collection.

On another note, here's a sweet photo he posted in support of gay marriage:

Seems I'm always a bridesmaid and never a bride! Still, my heart is huge with this great news!! #lovewinspic.twitter.com/i9LtBm37kp
— Marc Jacobs (@themarcjacobs) June 26, 2015

He won't be single for long now that he showed the world his man-meat.

Jen Hurd Bohn turned to Facebook to track down this couple she photographed while on vacation.

Is there any more romantic spot to propose than the Eiffel Tower? Probably, because in other places there isn't a line of tourists watching you and taking photos. Unless you're into that.

Jen Hurd Bohn was waiting on line at the tower when she saw this couple. The man proposed to the woman, she said yes, and Bohn captured a few really nice pics. She wanted to get their contact info so she could send them the photos, but they walked off before she could get their attention. She wasn't willing to lose her spot in the line, so the moment passed. A classic missed connection.

But Bohn isn't giving up yet. She posted the photos to Facebook, and asked her friends to share the post in the hopes it would reach the two lovebirds. Soon, the images went viral. The original Facebook post currently has more than 200,000 shares, and has been written up on a number of high-profile websites and news outlets.

Do you know this couple? If so, contact your local Internet.(via Facebook)

Bohn knows nothing about the couple, but she believes they're American based on the way they were dressed. I'm skeptical of that part. Have other countries not found out about plaid and scarves? It seems like she's grasping at straws here.

It actually raises a good point: she doesn't know these people. She doesn't even know if they want the photos. Maybe they're the one couple left in the world that doesn't need documentation of their proposal. These days, even prom proposals need to be on camera for some reason.

How is it a kindness to photograph people in an intimate moment without their permission, and then show it to everyone in the world? Maybe put that camera away and let the people have their moment.

Then again, they did it on the Eiffel Tower. I don't know how to feel anymore. I need to track these people down and ask them a bunch of questions. I've become the problem.

In a terribly designed slideshow, 'Forbes' reveals the US cities with the highest unemployment rates.

Seriously, Forbes. It looks like you gave an ad server too much to drink and it vomited all over your slideshow page. (via Forbes)

If you've been turned away from potential job after potential job, there are a few reasons why that might be happening. You could need to increase your marketable skills. You could be a terribly pompous asshole who acts like a big jerkwad in interviews. Or you could be living in one of the American cities with the highest unemployment rates.

You can actually check to see if that last one might be affecting you, thanks to Forbes. They put together a list of the US cities with the highest and lowest unemployment rates as of November 2014. If you don't live in one of these high-unemployment areas and are having a hard time trying to get a job, you can now rest assured that all you have to blame for your unemployment is your sorry self.

J/K! There are evil forces that are conspiring to keep you jobless.

J/K again! Getting a job sucks no matter where you live.

Here are the cities with the highest unemployment rates (aka the "California is fucked" list).

1. Yuma, Arizona: 23.1%
2. El Centro, California: 22.6%
3. Visalia-Porterville, California: 12.3% (tie)
4. Ocean City, New Jersey: 12.3% (tie)
5. Merced, California: 12.3% (tie)
6. Yuba City, California: 12%
7. Hanford-Corcoran, California: 11.7%
8. Atlantic City-Hammonton, New Jersey: 11.3%
9. Fresno, California: 11.2%
10. Stockton, California: 10.7% (tie)
11. Modesto, California: 10.7% (tie)
12. Madera-Chowchilla, California: 10.7% (tie)

Here are the cities with the lowest unemployment rates (aka "yay for Minnesota").

1. Lincoln, Nebraska: 2.1%
2. Fargo, North Dakota-Minnesota: 2.2% (tie)
3. Mankato-North Mankato, Minnesota: 2.2% (tie)
4. Midland, Texas: 2.3%
5. Ames, Iowa: 2.5% (tie)
6. Bismarck, North Dakota: 2.5% (tie)
7. Logan, Utah: 2.5% (tie)
8. Iowa City, Iowa: 2.6% (tie)
9. Rochester, Minnesota: 2.6% (tie)
10. Grand Forks, North Dakota-Minnesota: 2.7% (tie)
11. Sioux Falls, South Dakota: 2.7% (tie)

The Electric Love Potato is like a life coach, if that life coach sat on your computer screen and also was a pixelated potato and was also my new favorite thing.

It's like Clippy, but potatoier. (via Game Jolt)

I like weird things that simply exist, unexplained. Experiencing these things always feels like uncovering a bit of treasure to me — a tiny shipwreck with no context of when or where it's from, but still magical to explore.

That is why I am obsessed with a digital potato.

The Electric Love Potato was created by artist and game designer Nathalie Lawhead, who describes it thusly: "Electric Love Potato is a virtual potato desktop assistant that offers positive reinforcement, serenades you as you work, and creates random potato recipes."

This monitor-tethered potato will not make you more productive. It will probably make you less productive. It's large and distracting. In less than 10 minutes, it asked if it could sing at me or give me a recipe at least six times.

And it doesn't take requests, either. (via Electric Love Potato)

However, if you like weird things or are mentally broken in the way where you crave constant positive reinforcement, this potato is the perfect friend for you! Here are some of the things it said to me:

• "You're so good."
• "Thank you so much for letting me be your potato widget."
• "I wish I could be your chair to sit on. I want you sit sit on me."
• "You're doing great."
  
• "If you took a bite out of me, I would still feel whole." (I'm stealing this one for my eventual wedding vows.)

You can download the Electric Love Potato for free from Game Jolt.

Ah. Do you smell that in the air? That's the smell of misguided attempts to appeal to new demographics.

I don't know what cosmic forces aligned so that Ted Cruz made this Simpsons audition video for BuzzFeed, but I imagine it went something like this:

Ted Cruz Staffer: "BuzzFeed wants to make a video where you do characters from The Simpsons."

Ted Cruz: "What's a BuzzFeed? Is it a new food for bees?"

Staffer: "It's a website."

Ted Cruz: "Young voters love websites! I'll do it!"

Staffer: "Actually, you know, it might not be such a good idea..."

Ted Cruz: "TOO LATE. The Cruzer is in! And write that down. That's a good slogan."

I appreciate that he's willing to put himself out there. But... woof. Ted Cruz is not a good voiceover artist. Also, I hope he's surrounded by yes men who convince him that he sounded great during this, so he constantly tries to do Simpsons impressions out on the campaign trail.

17-year-old Madi Nickens shared her little sister's text conversation with her sixth grade boyfriend and it is fantastic.

Young love! The passionate feelings we have in our early years shouldn't be mocked so, to be clear, I am not laughing at a sixth grader's feelings. I'm laugh-crying at myself for not having the same level of fierceness this girl serves to her boyfriend when she finds out he's been hanging with some other girl at the park:

"We need to talk" starts early as an ominous statement to make to your beloved.
(via @madinickens)

Wow, bringing up Starbucks. Low blow, Joe.(via @madinickens)

Ding. Ding. Ding.(via @madinickens)

Let's all take a page from this pre-teen's burn book and cut the people from our life who are just NOT on our level. Ride that elevator, girl!

Across the finish line with .0056% of the available time to spare.

Gunhild Swanson would be a badass just for running the 2015 Western States 100-mile race. Frankly, I also think she's a badass just for being 71. But Gunhild Swanson is a badass of fantastic proportions for becoming the oldest person to finish the 100-mile race at the age of 71, and an even bigger fantastic badass for powering through to cross the line with only 6 seconds to spare on the 30-hour time limit. In short, she's pretty much a big enough badass to have the name "Gunhild" and have everyone be like "yeah, that fits."

Iggy and Britney have been exchanging comments via the Internet in a completely neutral fashion, according to themselves.

"Your breath stinks." (via YouTube)

Remember those idyllic times of a month and a half ago, when Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea teamed up to release "Pretty Girls," the song with the super-positive message about how pretty girls have an easy time in life? Well, Iggy isn't too happy with how the song did, and she's not blaming the fact that it's a hideously bad song, or the fact that it has an atrocious faux-retro video, or the fact that her alien acting skills aren't even good enough to get her a part in The Room. No, she blamed the lack of additional promotion:

@rhuancesarr its difficult to send a song up the charts without additional promo and tv performances etc. unfortunately im just featured...
— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 28, 2015

Some people interpreted this as a dig at Britney, which prompted this response from Ms. Azalea:

@ThePopZone my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.
— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 29, 2015

It's true! You don't have to suck someone's asshole 24/7 to be their friend. In fact, if you were sucking someone's asshole 24/7, the person whose asshole you were sucking would probably refer to you as "that person who's constantly sucking my asshole" instead of "my friend."

Anyway, Britney fired back this little dig:

Can't wait to get back to Vegas. So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to... #YouWantAPieceOfMe
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) June 29, 2015

This was interpreted as a subtweet directed at Iggy and her cancelled Great Escape tour. Because it almost definitely was. But Iggy disagrees. She's not mad at Britney. She's mad at the media. (Oh god! That's this post! But, Iggy...) In response to the many articles about the singers' "Twitter feud," Iggy unleashed a whopping 7 tweets, which is basically a dissertation.

Iam honestly not surprised but still really saddened that the media is trying to create a "beef" between @britneyspears and myself.

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

We remain friends and i haven't said anything negative at all about her. Does wishing we had promoted a single more make me the bad guy?

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

i feel like the media wants women in music to get out and mud wrestle each other. As a woman i take great offense.

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

Women in the media should be able to have a grown up and subjective opinion without it being anything more than that. its disappointing.

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

No one is throwing "shade" or "shots" on either side of the table. The girl is my friend and i support her 100%.

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

i feel like the press just wants to see girls be overtly sexual to one another, and have no real opinion other than "i love it! ^.^"

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

Im over it. Women in music are not the same as a teen drama. Stop making us all out to be, we are business women & artists. Not mean girls.

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 30, 2015

Reading these tweets gave me a stomachache, because my pet peeve is pitting women against each other. Although I have to wonder if the media created this "beef" and sexualized the women, or if it was Iggy Azalea when she blamed Britney Spears for their song's failure and then brought up mud wrestling and sucking her asshole?