Today in "holy shit, I had no idea that could happen and I guess I should be afraid of everything" news, a dolphin jumped onto a family's boat, and it did not go well.

The attacking dolphin and the attacked humans.
(via The OC Register / The OC Sheriff's Dept)

Allow me to start this with some good news and a warning (that's also how I like to start all of my first dates). The good news: Everyone is alive, human and dolphin alike. The warning: If you keep reading this article, you're going to see blood on a boat.

Here's what happened: recently, the Frickmans — parents Dirk and Chrissie, and kids Tristan and Courtney — were enjoying a lovely afternoon in their boat off of Dana Point, CA, when a pod of dolphins started swimming around them. This was a lot of fun until one of the dolphins jumped inside. Authorities aren't sure why it happened — Harbor Patrol Sgt. DJ Haldeman guessed that "something must have scared it out" of the water. Or maybe the dolphin was angry that land mammals were on its turf surf. Either way, the lovely day quickly turned into an epic dolphin-human battle.

Well, I never knew I could be this terrified by a picture of a dolphin.
(via OC Sherriff on Twitter)

Flopping around on the deck of the small boat, the dolphin started hitting the people on board. Dirk Frickman said that the dolphin "hit my wife and knocked her over, and punched my daughter." In fact, the dolphin didn't just knock Chrissie over, it broke both of her ankles, a move that I think would make even mobsters cringe (note to self: look into dolphin mob). The dolphin also managed to cut itself up quite a bit — the blood you see in the picture above is the dolphin's.

Thankfully, everything turned out as well as it could — Dirk Frickman was able to call the Orange County Sheriff's Department Harbor Patrol, which helped him pull the dolphin up to a dock and release it back into the ocean, where it reportedly "swam away with no problem":

Chrissie Frickman is still recovering. Today's lesson: dear goodness, do not screw around with dolphins.

Mario Dedivanovic is a celebrity makeup artist who obviously cares more about makeup than appropriate childhood development.

My future daughter #soCute (this is not my makeup)
A photo posted by Mario Dedivanovic (@makeupbymario) on Jun 22, 2015 at 11:56am PDT

On the list of things to be upset about, this is low but it's also understandable. It's inappropriate to sexualize children, and if I saw a child with her face done up like this on the street, I might call CPS. Also, child pageants are creepy as hell and this little girl is serving some serious pageant face.

On the other hand... there's so many other things to worry about when it comes to the welfare of children. Remember that lady from Teen Mom who got in trouble for waxing her 3-year-old's eyebrows?

Eventually, some little girls and some little boys like experimenting with makeup and dress up. Of course, they probably wouldn't have the small motor skills to give themselves wing tip eyeliner.

I'd never want my kid to be a child model and this girl does not look like she's having the time of her life. The picture comes from a photo shoot for Saplings, an online publication that specializes in making pre-schoolers look cooler than you. For their next shoot, they should have the kids do their own looks, and let chaos rein! THAT'S something I'd throw in the repost app.

He's got all the makings of a very entertaining grandpa.

There's always a risk involved when you secretly film people finding out big news. Maybe they won't be as excited as you hope that you're proposing or back from Afghanistan or ordered Domino's.

But this dude (and his wife, too, for that matter) had the perfect reaction to finding out he was going to be a grandpa. At first, it seems like he might not quite understand what he's being told. But then it turns out his excitement is so overwhelming that the only way he can express it is with a private jig.

Just don't let the baby see you do that dance, or you're going to be doing it over and over and over again.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your president can do for your snacks.

Worse than taxation without representation. (via Dominic Perri/NYTimes)

This weekend is the Fourth of July, which means Americans will be gathering around to celebrate our independence with a variety of patriotic salt- and fat-laden snacks. But we must remain ever-vigilant against the threat of vegetables—especially English ones.

Luckily for us, President Obama is always ready to take on the turncoats at the New York Times. Those jerks want you to add English peas to your all-American guacamole (yeah yeah it's from Mexico originally, whatever, we're a melting pot).

Everyone is dumping frozen peas and copies of the New York Times into the harbor, and a concerned citizen alerted Obama to the problem via Twitter.

#AskPOTUS Do you agree with the @nytimes about putting peas in guacamole? If yes, why?
— JustinGreen∞ (@JGreenDC) July 1, 2015

Obama responded promptly and with force, in what may be the greatest moment of his presidency:

respect the nyt, but not buying peas in guac. onions, garlic, hot peppers. classic. https://t.co/MEEI8QHH1V
— President Obama (@POTUS) July 1, 2015

Speak softly and a carry a big chip.

You know RiRi's new video is going to be exciting because it starts like this.

"Bitch Better Have My Money" aka "BBHMM" now has a seven-minute video, in which Rihanna gets her money.

Light spoiler warning, but in the video, Rihanna and her power women compatriots get revenge on her accountant, who might be based on her real accountant. According to her Instagram, she thought of the idea for the video 8 months ago. It was released last night at midnight and already has 1.6 million views.

#BBHMMvideo Ya girl got director skillz!!! The concept for this piece came to me 8 months ago!!! So you can imagine how anxious I am right now!!! #MIDNIGHT on #VEVO
A photo posted by badgalriri (@badgalriri) on Jul 1, 2015 at 7:11pm PDT

Here's the full video:

I look forward to reflecting further after reading the elucidating RiRithinkpieces surely coming our way. Rihanna always makes me think. And dance. It's a great combo.

Zea, a first grader from Ohio, was filmed squaring off against this protester at a celebration of marriage equality.

Kid heroes are the best heroes, especially when the villain is a grown-up screaming in their face. Then again, it's easier to be brave when a community of loving people has your back.

This video was taken by Ryan Bowling. He and his daughter Zea volunteer every year at ComFest, a family-friendly music and arts festival held in Columbus. This year, the festival coincided with the Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex marriage, so all of the attendees were celebrating. Everyone, that is, except for these street preachers, who invaded the space and began badgering everyone with their hate-filled message.

Zea encountered them on her way to buy pizza with her volunteer tokens, and decided to take a stand. Ryan captured the encounter on video and uploaded it to YouTube. Meanwhile, another ComFest attendee named Mara Gruber took this fantastic picture, really capturing the David vs. Goliath vibe:

Ryan should be very proud of his daughter, and he clearly is. He had this to say about the whole incident:

Zea didn't just flash the flag at that hatemonger, and bail. They went toe to toe, for several minutes, while he bellowed all of his fire and brimstone right in her face. Grown man vs first grader. She told me afterward that she did feel scared. The one thing the people of #comfest2015 never let her feel though? Alone.

It just goes to show: it takes a village to raise a kickass child.

After getting the picture below taken off Instagram for its flagrant use of the nipple, Chrissy Teigen is teasing the social media platform, and all of us.

Tee hee, bewbs. Uh, I mean, FEMINISM.(via Chrissy Teigen)

Supermodels: the struggle is real. Chrissy Teigen posted this image of herself from a photoshoot for W Mag, the most hoity-toity magazine you can flash a breast in. And Instagram took it down! Don't they understand high fashion?!

Titty activists like Chelsea Handler and Miley Cyrus have been working hard to #FreeTheNipple on Instagram for awhile, but so far the policy of "no pasties, no posts" remains in place. It is a bizarre, sexist policy that Instagram needs to review, especially since it includes breastfeeding pictures. Yet, it still feels ridiculous that so many famous ladies have the time to go to bat over this.

At least Chrissy Teigen seems to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Here's a post she put up after all the "exposure:"

I can't stop laughing #thatbabyfuckedupmybodybutsowhat #nobaby

A photo posted by @chrissyteigen on Jun 29, 2015 at 11:58am PDT

Poor baby. Well, Instagram can take down the posts that feature her nipples, but it can't stop her from strategically covering them in a manner that's just a big middle finger to the No Nip policy. Here's what she posted in response:

HAIR @jrugg8

A photo posted by @chrissyteigen on Jun 30, 2015 at 2:38pm PDT

Artful. And if anyone thinks this is a coincidence:

the nipple has been temporarily silenced but she will be back, oh yes, she will be back

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 29, 2015

Shots fired.

"By the power vested in me by People Magazine, I now pronounce the media a bunch of jerks."

Sandra Bullock was named People's "World's Most Beautiful Woman," and she's using it as an opportunity to help others (and/or seem very cool and nice). She told E! that she wants to use the attention she's getting to speak up for women who get regularly attacked for their appearance.

I feel like it's become open hunting season in how women are attacked, and it's not because of who we are as people, it's because of how we look, or our age, or... I'm shocked.

Her solution to the problem? She said, "Somebody with a very large hand and big voice needs to put a stop to it." And who has larger hands and a huger voice than the world's most beautiful woman? Making fun of that weird metaphor aside, it is helpful for someone who's praised by the media for her looks to speak up for people who are hurt by it. Her critique can't be written off as whining because people don't think she's hot, which is a common rhetorical technique employed by trolls.

She also gave a shout-out to her own Swiftian celebrity female friend group.

You'd be surprised at the love that you have in this, in our crazy industry. The women have bonded together and have sort of become this tribe of trying to take care of each other and be there for each other in a way, because the minute you step out, it is an onslaught.

So which fair-minded industry women do you think she hangs out with? It's got to be Julianne Moore, right?

No matter how successful you get, there are always new things to worry about.

It was 1-1 in the final moments of the World Cup semifinals when England's Laura Bassett scored...accidentally...against her own team. This is truly a nightmare and I feel devastated for Bassett. I can't stop thinking about it. You can see above in Buzzfeed's Vine how she tried to get the ball away from the other team (sorry for the technical sports jargon!) but accidentally bounced it off the goal post and into the goal. This caused England to lose to Japan, so now they won't be playing in the finals against the U.S.

All I can say is screaming emoji, crying emoji, clapping emoji. (via Getty)

I really want Bassett to know that she's an amazing soccer player, that it's okay for everyone to make mistakes, and that she still should be really proud of her accomplishments. I don't know why I care about this so much, but I'm sure it has something to do with myself.

Remember yesterday, when Jim Carrey went on a rant and posted pics of children with autism, and we guessed he probably didn't have permission? Yeah, he didn't.

Actually, a "reasonable request" is asking the family of this child for permission to use their photo.
(via @JimCarrey)

The little boy in the screenshot above is 14-year-old Alex Echols of Eugene, Oregon. His mother, Karen Echols, was shocked and angry to see her child's face being used during Jim Carrey's anti-vaccine rant yesterday, which came after California passed their mandatory child vaccine law, SB 277.

California Gov says yes to poisoning more children with mercury and aluminum in manditory vaccines. This corporate fascist must be stopped.
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) July 1, 2015

Within his series of tweets were several pictures of crying children, because Carrey wrongly believes there is a link between vaccine use and autism. He also apparently believes that any parent would prefer a child get sick and perhaps die from a preventable disease than live with autism.

Karen Echols saw that her son was being used to promote Carrey's conspiracy theorist agenda and signed up for Twitter just to respectfully ask him to take the picture down.

@JimCarrey Please remove this photo of my son. You do not have permission to use his image.
— Karen Echols (@karen_echols) July 2, 2015

Her son, just like all autistic kids, did not develop autism from vaccines. Alex has a genetic syndrome called TSC. It causes the growth of benign tumors all over the body and the brain. A lot of children with TSC are also autistic. There's a Facebook page dedicated to Alex, who has to live in a group home that can support his medical needs. Echols put his photo on Facebook to spread information about his condition and to promote awareness of the challenges people living with it face. She doesn't want Alex's photo used to scare people away from vaccines, which have nothing to do with his disease.

Echols sister, Elizabeth Welch, also posted a photo of Carrey's tweet and this statement to Instagram:

Facebook, Tumblr, and Instagram friends, I need your help. Jim Carrey (yes that one) tweeted out an image of my nephew who suffers from Autism and tuberous sclerosis as an example of anti-vaccinations. Alex had these conditions before he was ever vaccinated. I'm very disgusted and sickened that a celebrity would use a photo like this that was used in the first place to spread awareness of Tuberous Sclerosis to mock him and and my sister for vaccinations. Even if that was not his intended outcome, it is what happened. Please spread this, and let's try to get this tweet removed. #vaccines #california#californialaw #californiavaccinationlaw#jimcarey #vaccination #vaccinations #privacy #privacyrights #factcheck

The photo was finally removed last night, but only because Echols filed a copyright complaint with Twitter, not because Carrey developed a conscience. And if you're saying, "Well, she put the photo out there!" then Welch has got a response for you:

@Steftyem@Duke_mochuck@ktibus@NBCNews technically it is fair use, but morally pretty awful. The picture is used out of context.
— Elizabeth Welch (@SCeWelch) July 1, 2015

'Financial Times' correspondent Sarah O'Connor didn't make the connection when she tweeted about a tragic robot accident.

A robot has killed a worker in a VW plant in Germany http://t.co/RRdCnNmbsj
— Sarah O'Connor (@sarahoconnor_) July 1, 2015

Sarah O'Connor may be a successful journalist who covers employment for London's prestigious Financial Times, but she really needs to brush up on her pop culture. She's never seen a Terminator movie, and she never knew that her name was one "O'" away from that of series protagonist Sarah Connor, or that the movies were about a robot uprising. So when she tweeted this link to an FT article that was actually quite sad, about a worker at a Volkswagen factory being killed by an industrial robot, she was baffled by Twitter's response.

@sarahoconnor_ You are our only hope now. Resistance fully supports you as our leader.
— FakeJourno (@FakeJourno) July 1, 2015

Please @sarahoconnor_ take care of John Connor, he is our only hope now!
— Nicolas Fraiman (@nicolasfraiman) July 1, 2015

Please @sarahoconnor_ take care of John Connor, he is our only hope now!
— Nicolas Fraiman (@nicolasfraiman) July 1, 2015

.@sarahoconnor_ skynet is close, run Sarah, ruN!!!
— Erick Iriarte Ahon (@coyotegris) July 1, 2015

Related: Arnold Schwarzenegger epically pranked people at a wax museum.

Once O'Connor brushed up on her Terminator lore, she tried to bring some sanity to the conversation. I guess she doesn't know much about Twitter either.

@sarahoconnor_ Ok. I should have thought about my name & its associations before tweeting this!
— Sarah O'Connor (@sarahoconnor_) July 1, 2015

@sarahoconnor_ Sigh. I've never even watched the films. Now my feed is full of people tweeting me about skynet.
— Sarah O'Connor (@sarahoconnor_) July 1, 2015

@sarahoconnor_ Guys. I don't know what skynet is. And I wouldn't follow me - I tweet really boring stuff about unit wage costs and the like.
— Sarah O'Connor (@sarahoconnor_) July 1, 2015

Feeling really uncomfortable about this inadvertent Twitter thing I seem to have kicked off. Somebody died. Let's not forget.
— Sarah O'Connor (@sarahoconnor_) July 1, 2015

That's a good point. Somebody did die. And if the mainstream media doesn't educate itself about Skynet, many more will.

The li'lest obstetrician.

Why is there not yet a YouTube channel devoted to Adela explaining various medical procedures and bodily functions while eating an array of different foods? I would kill to hear her explaining what happens during an endoscopy while tearing off strips of fruit leather with her teeth. And can you even imagine what she'd do with the intricacies of a lumbar puncture and a bowl of blueberry yogurt? That'd probably break the Internet.

Imagine Ducky, but with superhuman reflexes, precognition and the ability to climb walls. And without that stupid hat.

(via Sony Pictures Entertainment)

If you're mostly familiar with the character of Spider-Man via his 37 recent onscreen incarnations, then you might not realize that, at its heart, Peter Parker's story has traditionally been about a dorky kid who has more trouble surviving the travails of his social life than he does battling mass-murdering super-villains. I know it seems like it's about loud noises, computer-generated explosions and disco dancing, but that's Hollywood for you (always with the disco dancing).

Anyway, now that Marvel has its hands on the character once again, it looks like we can expect to see a cinematic interpretation of the story that's a little closer to its comic book origins, thanks to some inspiration from the film world's premier chronicler of nerdy young weirdos: John Hughes. In a recent interview with Birth Movies Death's Devin Faraci, Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, gave some pretty intriguing info on the upcoming spider-franchise:

"It's the soap opera in high school, and those supporting characters, that are interesting. Just as we hadn't seen a heist movie in a long time, or a shrinking movie in a long time, we haven't seen a John Hughes movie in a long time.

"Not that we can make a John Hughes movie - only John Hughes could - but we're inspired by him, and merging that with the superhero genre in a way we haven't done before excites us."

Whether we like it or not, we are entering the superhero phase of cinema, so anything you're hoping to see in your local multiplex is going to have to be filtered through a superhero aesthetic. If you want a John Hughes-esque teen comedy, you're gonna have to get some Spider-Man in there. If you want some workplace romance, it's going to have to be between Scarlett Johansson and a huge green rage-mutant. If you want a Gone with the Wind-esque historical epic, then... Well, that's probably what the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy sequel is about.

Welcome to Etsy's version of the Deep Web.

Beneath the veneer of cute tote bags, there exists a realm of darkness. (via Etsy)

Even though Etsy lets you sell jewlery for storing all sorts of human products, there's a restriction on the actual human products you're allowed to sell. When they updated their Prohibited Items list in 2012, they banned the sale of anything coming from a human body, with two strange exceptions:

Human remains or body parts (excluding hair and teeth): This includes, but is not limited to, things such as skulls, bones, articulated skeletons, bodily fluids, preserved tissues or organs, and other similar products. (Note: Human hair and teeth are currently allowed, so long as the items comply with other Etsy marketplace rules.)

This certainly must have come as a shock to all the aspiring fingernail and earwax craftsman out there, but regardless, people haven't let these restrictions put a damper on their creativity. In fact, you could say Etsy is the go-to place for buying things made out of human teeth and hair. Let's take a look at what people are selling. First the teeth:

1. Rings.

A literal teething ring. (via Etsy)

2. Necklaces.

I brush my necklace every night before I go to bed. (via Etsy)

3. Teeth terraria.

My right bicuspid will be gone, but never forgotten. (via Etsy)

4. Vial stoppers.

It's $45 because the fairy sparkles are real. (via Etsy)

You can also just straight-up buy teeth in bulk in case you want to make your own jewelry. And now for the hair. Most of the hair items are antiques from the Victorian era, when people liked to memorialize dead loved ones with jewelry made from their hair.

5. Pocket watches.

Having a pocket watch is creepy enough in the first place. (via Etsy)

6. Dolls.

"A creepy old doll isn't enough on its own. I need one with dead person hair." (via Etsy)

7. Crosses.

The power of my weaving skills compels you! (via Etsy)

8. Earrings.

How to be a conversation starter for the wrong reasons. (via Etsy)

9. Teddy bears.

My child only likes teddy bears that look like creepy dudes with pony tails. (via Etsy)

10. A wreath wrapped around a picture of a dead child.

This is 100% haunted as fuck. (via Etsy)

These items truly embody the "do-it-yourself" spirit, in addition to the "make-it-out-of-yourself" spirit.

Are you smarter than a kindergartener? Or do you just want someone to confirm you are?

The New York Times (which aside from publishing unnatural pea guac recipes and trend pieces on ladies' panties still occasionally reports the news) has a puzzle for you.

(Click above to get to the puzzle on NYTimes.com)

If you're like me, you probably assumed that B is double A and C is double B and entered something like this first:

And then maybe something like this:

And then maybe a few more sequences along those lines. Yes! Yes! Yes! Winning! I also thought throwing in a 0 might reveal something useful.

Hmm, could it be there was an exception for when A=0? I decided I didn't care anymore and clicked the button for the explanation. The answer?

The answer was extremely basic. The rule was simply: Each number must be larger than the one before it. 5, 10, 20 satisfies the rule, as does 1, 2, 3 and -17, 14.6, 845.

Oh, so in other words, I'm too smart for this puzzle. Nice! Oh, wait. It goes on:

But most people start off with the incorrect assumption that if we're asking them to solve a problem, it must be a somewhat tricky problem. They come up with a theory for what the answer is, like: Each number is double the previous number. And then they make a classic psychological mistake.

So because you naturally want to believe you're correct, you go looking for information that confirms your prior beliefs. That's why I (and maybe you) entered so many sequences I thought would give me a "Yes!" but only one or two that risked a "No." Uh oh. Does this mean that in psychological terms, I'm totally basic?

Nailed it.

The phenomenon is called "confirmation bias" and it plagues decision makers at all levels. From your personal daily choices to those of political leaders and corporate CEOs, none of us ever wants to hear "no," so we only ask questions that will get us a "yes."

The lesson here?

When you want to test a theory, don't just look for examples that prove it. When you're considering a plan, think in detail about how it might go wrong.

Good advice, at least according to the New York Times and all of the other blogs I will now look to for confirmation that I understood this correctly.

Jeremy and Justice Stamper were married in a beautiful ceremony 19 days before Justice was nearly killed in a terrible car accident.

And they looked great!(via Facebook)

Last August, this lovely couple got married in Hungry Mother State Park, Virginia. They paid for it all, took pictures, and went on their honeymoon. Then a traumatic car accident erased the bride's memory of the whole event, even the fact that she was married in the first place.

Almost one year later, her husband Jeremy decided she deserved to remember her own wedding. The thing about weddings, though: they're expensive. So he started a GoFundMe page, explaining the situation:

While I was working, my wife was traveling just down the road to her aunt's house and to meet me when I got off work when it happened. She was yielding to oncoming traffic to turn left on a side road when she was rearended at a dead stop at about 50 MPH plus. The exact speed is not known. She was nearly killed in the impact but by the grace of God she survived. The injuries were endless and she has now finially to maximum medical improvement and was released from her physical treatments.

About a month after the accident she finally told me. She said "I don't want you to be mad....but I do not remember the wedding." I was heart broken and instantly said I would do it all again for her. She has memory loss from about 5 weeks before the wedding, which is when we actually started to plan and put the wedding ideal into motion, and up to the accident. She didn't even know we were married. She couldn't believe it. I promised her I would take care of her and now here we are, The Stamper Wedding Round 2.

At this point, the Stamper's have surpassed their $5,000 goal, and seem to be trying to figure out a way to invite the many people who have heard their story and supported them. In an update he wrote:

Now is the time, If you are seriously interested in attending the wedding and reception please, contact me ASAP so we can figure out a list of attendants... I wish we could have everyone at it though!

So, should we all try to go? JK! It's enough to know that these crazy kids have each other, and a second chance to commit to their love in front of family and friends. The only other silver lining to amnesia I can think of is that Justice doesn't remember all the boring table-seating arrangements from the first round. May she create new, better memories in their place.

Best of luck to the beautiful twicelyweds!(via GoFundMe)

Remember way back two days ago when Marc Jacobs accidentally posted then deleted a naked Instagram? You remember.

(via Gawker)

To recap for those readers who have never picked up a newspaper (shame ding dong ding), the fashion designer posted the above pic, in which you'll notice...quite a lot. He captioned it, "It's yours to try!"

Well, now Marc Jacobs has released his first official statement on the matter, and he confirmed expert theories that he intended to send a DM but accidentally posted publicly. He wrote to Dazed Digital:

"Yeah. I accidentally posted a pic of my bare ass and took it down. I was flirting with someone I met on Instagram. Meant to send it by DM. Oops, my mistake. I apologise to anyone it offended. I'm a gay man. I flirt and chat with guys online sometimes. BIG DEAL!"

Well, there you have it. Thank you, Marc Jacobs, for your honest response, and for bringing a much-needed sense of levity and humor to the matter of accidental social media reveals:

It's yours to try.

— Marc Jacobs (@marcjacobs) July 1, 2015

May your frankness and spirit be rewarded with lots of hot hook-ups via Insta.