1. Me Time
2. My Husband
3. My Child
4. Being Angry About How Difficult Society Makes It To Breastfeed
5. Breastfeeding
6. My Career
7. Retirement Savings
8. Sleep Training
9. Meditating Every Day
10. Living Like The French
11. Teaching My Child Spanish
12. Wearing Clothes Without Large Stains
13. Wearing Clothes That Are Youthful Yet Professional
14. Reading The News
15. Reading Books
16. Reading Ta-Nehisi Coates Articles
17. Researching Diaper Ingredients
18. Going Out More With My Single Friends
19. Getting Into The Avengers Franchise
20. Rewatching The Wire


21. Being More Adventurous In Bed
22. Cardiovascular Health
23. Strength Training
24. Improving The Body I Have
25. Accepting The Body I Have
26. Loving The Body I Have
27. Realizing I'm More Than Just My Body
28. Applying Sunscreen To Everyone In A 5-Foot Radius
29. Cooking New, Healthy Recipes
30. Cooking Home-y, Unhealthy Recipes Because You Only Live Once
31. Omega-3s
32. Getting Rid Of All The Plastic In My Home
33. Protecting My Child
34. Pushing My Child
35. Maintaining A Push-Pull Relationship With My Child That, From A Distance, Resembles A Cha-Cha Dance
36. Yoga



37. Spending Less Time Plugged In
38. Staying On Top Of Cool New Apps
39. Nursery Decor
40. Always Having Freshly Baked Cookies On Hand When People Come Over
41. Apologizing Less
42. Apologizing More, Using Cute Hand-Stamped Cards From Etsy
43. Saving Money For My Child's College Education, Which May Or May Not Be Worthwhile
44. Learning How To Apply Makeup Correctly
45. Body Hair Removal
46. Flossing
47. Sweeping
48. Cleaning Dried Up Pasta Sauce Off The Inside Of The Microwave
49. Fighting For Women's Right To Post Nipples To Instagram
50. The Environment

A disgrace to not only its species, but also its genus, family, order and class.

For the sake of this cat, I really hope that this video doesn't go viral on whatever social media sites the feline community is using these days. Because if his friends see this, he's going to have a lot of difficult questions to answer, such as:

"You let a chicken steal your what?"

"You let a chicken what your dinner?"

"You let a what steal your dinner?"

Okay, they'll all probably be variations on the same question, but it'll still be extremely embarrassing.

...this asshat.

Now that the entire surface of the Earth is covered in a thin patina of security cameras, we have gotten a regular stream of these videos seeking to shame terrible drivers for driving terribly. However, even with the dozens of bad driving videos that are being uploaded to YouTube hourly, I think it's going to be a long time before this bamstick* in Scotland gets outdone in the field of automotive awfulness.

You do need to exercise a little bit of patience with this one, though. You're gonna think, "This isn't that bad," for a while, but then all of a sudden, it's like Bam!

Literally.

Related: Caught on video: This Congresswoman is the worst parker on Capitol Hill.

* Scottish for "dipshit."

Dating is the same at every age.

(via Imgur)

A bad date is a bad date. It doesn't matter if you're ten or ninety, it's easy to tell after about 30 seconds if you're not picking up what your date is laying down. Redditor SweetFawn posted the above photo with the caption "My son's first 'date' looks like it's going well..." Considering this is a first date, they appear to be having this conversation:

Boy: You're not listening.
Girl: Maybe I'd listen if you had something to say.

Here, let's look at it a little closer:

"Don't give me an explanation, just apologize so we can move on." (via Imgur)

He's probably saying, "I've told you a thousand times, I'm not avoiding you, they make me stay late at the office on Wednesdays" while she silently finishes her sandwich since she's already checked his calendar and knows he's lying.

OK, one more close up:

"It's over."(via Imgur)

Here is a list of people you can send this photo to:
1. Every person you've gone on a bad date with.
2. Anyone you've dumped.
3. Anyone who has dumped you.
4. Your parents.
5. Your current spouse.
6. Your kids.

Happy fighting everyone!

Great, one more app to remind me that I'm not as famous as Hillary Duff.

Introducing Verified Profiles on Tinder. http://t.co/MUKgIbiA2apic.twitter.com/aAKpgh6QMI

— Tinder (@Tinder) July 7, 2015

Today, Tinder introduced verified profiles. According to the company's blog, "Now when notable public figures, celebrities and athletes appear in your recommendations, you'll know it's for real." Verified users will get a little blue check mark on their profile, so now you can make instant judgements based on physical appearance and fame level.

I wonder what you have to do to get verified. Like, do you have to be a Taylor Swift-level celeb (as if that's possible), or is it going to be like Twitter where blue check marks are generously doled out to a bunch of nerdy Internet writers? Speaking of which, can you believe I'm not verified on Twitter?

And how do you think Amanda in the pic above got verified? She's probably an actress who has done acclaimed plays and is now breaking out with a lead role in a hot Sundance movie and a guest stint on The Good Wife. Good for her.

A study found where cats like to be petted, and the results may disappoint some clingy cat owners.

A cat showing affection.(stock photo)

I'm going to make a statement that will divide you readers right off the bat: I love cats. I love every cat I've ever met, and I'll always pet them, even if they claw me and draw blood. Because my love knows no reason.

Like many cat lovers, I've noticed over the years that while different cats react differently to petting, there are certain observable trends in how they like to be touched. I could never pin them down, but thankfully, science has my back. A new study published in the journal Applied Animal Behavior Science says that cats have definite preferences when it comes to being petted.

The study, catchily titled "The influence of body region, handler familiarity and order of region handled on the domestic cat's response to being stroked," examined 54 cats and found certain broad patterns. The cats preferred being petted on their heads. Scratching the ears, rubbing the cheeks, scritching under the chin – these are all golden. (Scritching is like scratching, but better. It's a cat term.) Cats also enjoyed being petted on their torsos, but not as much as on their heads. But there's one spot on a cat you should avoid petting at all costs: the tail.

OFF LIMITS!(stock photo)

Most of the cats studied didn't like being petted at the base of their tails. They believe that spot is a sort of "erogenous zone" for cats, and that petting it may overstimulate them. Then again, I've known multiple cats that love having their tails petted, or even pulled. I guess those were just the kinky cats that were turned on by it. This is very disturbing news, and will make me much more suspicious when I pet cats in the future.

The study also found that cats do not care about the order of the body parts you pet. And in a particularly interesting result, they found that cats exhibited more signs of stress when petted by their owners than by strangers. This finding matches the results of another study from 2013. They posit that cats may be stressed by their owners' urges to pet them. Bad news for cat owners – being needy is kind of their thing.

Incidentally, it was not part of the study, but my own analysis has confirmed that cats, like all animals, love belly rubs.

If you thought serious news outlets were above making dick jokes about it, you thought wrong.

Chronic Boner Syndrome is no laughing matter. (via ThinkStock)

When it initially started, Cotton asked to be taken to the clinic, since his pen-15 club was hurting. The guard wouldn't let him go, since it was a holiday weekend. Cotton then faked having chest pains so he could see the doctor immediately. When he finally saw the doctor, he was only given ice packs and Tylenol.

A few days later, the prison finally realized that Cotton wasn't just a weirdly erotic hypochondriac. He had to be taken to the hospital for surgery that would relieve the swelling. The surgery was botched because of a problem with the stitches, however, and Cotton suffered pretty bad injuries. According to the lawsuit:

“He suffered permanent injuries to his penis, including loss of function, mutilation of penis, continued pain and discomfort...,"

Turns out the erection from hell was a side effect of the anti-depressant medication Cotton was prescribed over a decade earlier. After filing a court suit, Cotton was awarded $750,000 for his injuries (he was given $125,000 for each day he had the boner). Although that's a lot of money, Cotton says he'd rather have a functioning penis. According to the New York Daily News, he's pissed that his "manhood" was taken, and according to the New York Post, his sex life has taken a hit:

“I put up a facade," he said. “There's a young lady in the building who likes me. I'm scared to try anything with her. I take her out. I take her to Red Lobster. I take her to Outback. I do things for her son. But I don't think I'm going to try having sex with her. It would be too embarrassing."

Hopefully she can appreciate him for who he is, and they can have a rockin' time at Red Lobster and Outback without having sex mess everything up. Even though the headline to Rodney's story is funny, what happened to him is pretty messed up. Not messed up enough for a bunch of different news outlets to avoid making the same shitty joke, though:

"The hefty payout amounts to $125,000 for each day of hard time served by Rodney Cotton" — New York Post

"His hard times began when he was prescribed the anti-psychotic drug Risperdal" — New York Daily News

"The hard times suffered by Cotton prompted him to file a $10 million lawsuit against New York City" — RT

Come on, guys.

A super annoying audience member made my day by giving me his phone number.

As a standup comedian, rarely do you get the perfect chance to exact revenge on a heckler during a show. However, when one of those moron hecklers decides to give you his phone number, it's basically hitting the jackpot. This guy yelled at me, and loudly talked to his table of friends throughout my whole set. Then he used the comment card from the club to write down his number:

Thanks for the feedback, Benjy!

I was not at all interested in dating Benjy, but he presented me with the perfect opportunity to heckle him right back. Here's how it went down:

I have Verizon, but I'm not really sure what he's getting at here.

He seems to be obsessed with phone service companies.

I creeped him out! Success.

"Yikes" indeed. In his defense, I was being very annoying.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Sadly, this ended with Benjy ignoring me, much like I did when he heckled me. I did engage him once while I was on stage, I asked him where he was from, and then made fun of Long Island. Not all Long Islanders are awful, but this particular douche-boat gives the whole land mass a bad name.

I dunno, maybe I should give him another shot. What do you think?

This is worse than the industrial press at the end of Terminator.

This video from the horror device's manufacturer is from 2012, but I only saw it for the first time today. I kind of wish I hadn't. Even though this is a recycling machine and therefore good for humanity, I will now be consumed with irrational daydreams of being consumed by it. As improbable as the likelihood is that I will ever find myself in a scrapyard hanging out above one of these things, this has officially made my Long List Of Things To Fear. I think it comes out right above this warehouse covered with literally millions of spiders and right below the Grey Goo Apocalypse. I didn't link to that and you shouldn't Google it.

Do you remember that time earlier today when security footage showed Ariana Grande licking an unpurchased donut and saying she hates America?

It was confusing at the time and it remains confusing now, even after we've had an entire half-day to process it.

Now, finally, Grande has broken her hours-long silence on why she licked a donut and said she hates America. There's a simple explanation, a solution to the riddle, a missing piece to the jigsaw puzzle. It was fat people's fault!

Grande released the following statement to Buzzfeed News:

Statement just in from @ArianaGrande over "I Hate America" doughnut-licking controversy pic.twitter.com/z6Ge68Myjb

— David Mack (@davidmackau) July 8, 2015

She says, "The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me." So I guess, to sort of connect the dots, she might be saying that the sight of the caloric donuts provoked her to express her hate for Americans because it reminded her that they're so fat. And that's just, you know, so frustrating for Ariana Grande. Okay... It kind of seems like she got caught doing something bad, shouted, "Look, over there! An obesity epidemic!" and tried to tip-toe backwards out of the room.

In addition to stretching logic and needlessly roping innocent fat people into this mess, this apology has a major flaw. It doesn't explain why she licked the donuts! Why did you lick the donuts, Ariana? Why'd you do it? I mean, that's the story. It's like nothing I've seen before. And this is my job!

Thankfully, the reporter who got the original apology-ish statement is on the case.

i've emailed back to ask if she licked the doughnuts or not. also, what is my life

— David Mack (@davidmackau) July 8, 2015

Hopefully soon we'll be able to get some answers.

Perhaps this wasn't the class reunion they were expecting.

"Remember me? I was in my Depeche Mode phase?" (via YouTube)

The woman on the left is Mindy Glazer, a judge in the Eleventh Judicial Court of Florida. The man on the right is Arthur Booth, a former scholar and athlete whose life started going downhill when he turned to drugs. The two of them used to play football together in middle school. Over 30 years later, Booth ended up in Glazer's courtroom on counts of burglary, grand theft, resisting arrest, and fleeing.

During the hearing, Glazer asks Booth if he went to Nautilus Middle School. All of a sudden, a flash of recognition hits him and he smiles, exclaiming "Oh my god!" Things turn pretty quickly, though, and Booth breaks down and starts sobbing, shouting "Oh my goodness" over and over again. Glazer recalls all of the positive things about him, including how he used to be the "nicest kid in middle school." She then wishes him the best for the future.

Damn. Isn't it crazy how like we think life is linear, but it's actually like cyclical, man?

This cat turned a disadvantage into an advantage. We could all learn from the cat.

Cats are cleverer than we give them credit for. This one is clearly using creativity and problem solving skills to overcome a new obstacle. Its cone prevented it from drinking from a bowl, so it adapted. It's the MacGyver of cats.

This is not an isolated incident, either. I can think of one from my personal experience that's very similar. Before I begin, I should warn you about this story. It's inspiring, but it's also sad. Get some tissues ready before I begin.

When I was a kid, my older brother had a cat named Trixy, who was beloved by the whole family. She was a calico, beautiful and chubby (I once described her as looking like she had "swallowed fotball [sic]." She was also the smartest cat I've ever known. She hated to wear a collar, and when my brother bought her one, she figured out how to remove it while no one was looking. Then she left it for him, laid out evenly on his pillow. When he put it back on her, she did the same thing again. She was sending him a message, you see.

Years later, when my brother was away at college, Trixy fell into ill health. Like so many cats, she was stricken with a brain tumor and deteriorated quickly. But despite the ravages of the cancer on her neurological system, she never lost her intelligence. After a few weeks, she lost the ability to open her mouth. Like the cat in this video, she was still determined to drink water, so she figured out a way. By dunking her head into her water bowl and exhaling, she could suck water back up into her mouth and swallow it. It couldn't extend her life more than a few extra days, but we were glad for every moment.

There you have it. I didn't plan on spinning this 23-second viral video into an epic tale of my own past, but a Proust moment hit me and couldn't stop myself. I'm a lot like Proust.

"It's like Walt Disney went insane and shot a snuff version of Swiss Family Robinson."

Before I begin, let me emphasize something: this is a real fucking movie. Not a documentary. It's a fucking movie. I repeat: this is not a documentary about some batshit insane nature folks (except in the sense that the cats are literally credited as writers because their violence dictated the plot). It was intended to delight people with its plot. Instead, it was only released in theaters for 2 weeks in Europe. The only reason it was allowed on screen, I would imagine, was because no one actually died on screen. Not that they didn't come close.

Drafthouse Films, however, has decided that the Internet Age is ready for it, finally, if only because we love gaping at things that should never have existed in the first place. And they're right. I really want to see it.

It was, in theory, a drama/thriller. The actors—surprisingly famous actors—are not credited as themselves. Nevertheless, it is kind of a documentary, because director/writer/star Noel Marshall (best known for directing The Exorcist) and his real-life wife, actress Tippi Hendren (best known for Hitchcock's The Birds), and their real-life daughter, actress Melanie fucking Griffith (Working Girl) actually lived with this crazy menagerie of huge wild animals for 11 fucking years. During the filming, a cinematographer was scalped, Melanie Griffith required facial reconstruction, Tippi Hendren broke her leg and almost got her throat slashed, and Noel Marshall was bit so frequently he almost died of gangrene. (Just a heads up about this next clip—it's exactly what you fucking think.)

I can't describe the plot to you, really, but my best guess right now is that it's about a nutjob family (again, "not" a documentary about how crazy Marshall & Hendren really were) who think this is a good idea. Then, apparently, the lions in their midst start fighting about who will be the alpha male. In the process, a lot of people get bitten. (Again. More animal violence ahead.)

The film's re-release started its national tour in April. Here is a list of upcoming dates and venues. You can get tickets or volunteer to host your own screening here.

You don't have to be smart or horny to find this funny, but it helps.

This short film from director Devon Avery is an Official Selection for the Sploid Short Film Festival, which is still accepting submissions through October 31st. It combines two of my favorite things: love and the paradoxes of time travel. I don't really want to say anything else, though, because it's short and I don't want to spoil anything.

Look, just watch it and laugh.

No, this isn't a story about a dog's last days spending time with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, but it is a sweet story about a terminally ill dog spending his last days in comfort and style.

Earlier this year, Georgia's Ark Animal Shelter rescued a dog named Chester from a nearby high-kill shelter. After bringing him in, Ark discovered that the unkempt pup was 13-14 years old, and that he had a tumor on his side. They performed surgery to remove the tumor, but more tumors appeared soon after. So when Chester was listed for adoption, the write-up called for a pet parent who could take Chester into hospice care. Not only did 24-year-old mom Nicole Elliott step up to the task and take Chester in, but she decided to make Chester's last days as wonderful as they could be with a doggie bucket list.

The list includes several items that I am jealous of as an adult human. Elliott told WVTM that, as of July 7, Chester "took a ride with the windows down, he had a famous Nathans hot dog, he had a doggie sundae, he had a milk and oatmeal bath (spa day), he went on a shopping spree where he got a cozy bed, bandannas, lots of treats, and toys." His bucket list also apparently includes developing a hearty social media presence, because he now has both a Facebook and Instagram account where we can follow his exploits.

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 6:59pm PDT

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 6:48pm PDT

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 7:13pm PDT

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 7:23pm PDT

Is that doggie friend picture above supposed to signify The Bucket List's friendship between Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson? Maybe!

In addition to making Chester's last days great, Elliott is also trying to raise money for Ark Animal Rescue to help more animals. If you'd like to donate, you can do so here.

This cat getting terrified by a cucumber is my FAVORITE THING I HAVE SEEN TODAY, and I have some THEORIES about why this INCIDENT occurred.

While this video is HILARIOUS, the cat's terror is REAL. I have come up with some THEORIES about why this CAT is TERRIFIED of a CUCUMBER:

1. ALL CATS are TERRIFIED OF CUCUMBERS, but we humans do not usually FEED CATS SALAD, so we were not aware.

2. This cat used to DATE THIS CUCUMBER, and not only did the cucumber SHOW UP UNANNOUNCED, but it also managed TO GET INSIDE THE HOUSE without the cat knowing. (Can anybody say ""STALKER??"")

3. It is an ABNORMALLY LARGE cucumber.

4. The cucumber is HAUNTED by the GHOST OF ANOTHER CUCUMBER.

No mom on this list has ever done anything but the very best, all the time, always.

Starting from birth, Vanessa has been utter perfection.(via Sanctimommy)

Being a mom is hard as hell. Instead of giving each other constant high-fives for scrambling through it, however, moms love throwing shade about who did it better. Here are some of the most sanctimonious and judgemental moms who every typed out a rant about her newborn's perfect manners, then hit send.

If it wasn't an option you shouldn't be bragging about not doing it, lady.
(via Sanctimommy)

Everyone who sprints in The Olympics does it with a 40 pound stroller.
(via STFU, Parents)

A waitress who isn't also a babysitter is not getting tipped for being a waitress!
(via STFU, Parents)

Cory is putting lonely people on blast.(via STFU, Parents)

Your toddler is more demanding than a catcaller.(via Moms Be Like)

For Lent, I'm giving up wanting time to myself.(via Moms Be Like)

What is this lady homeschooling her kids in?(via Moms Be Like)

It's a hop, skip and a jump from blaming vaccines to blaming powdered donuts.
(via Sanctimommy)

The worst part of Halloween is kids in costumes. Then candy.(via Sanctimommy)

Today you are a man, my son, and men eat their cake and have them too.
(via Sanctimommy)

If you're awarding yourself a "Parenting Win," the jury is definitely biased.
(via Sanctimommy)