Miley Cyrus is what would happen if a selfie came to life.
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Best of luck on your weight becoming as low as your self-esteem.
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Make sure to stay in shape this winter since you may not be able to sign up for Obamacare until spring.
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I won't let the distance between us change how compulsively fast I respond to your texts.
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I hope our relationship lasts long enough for us to hate the things we initially loved about each other.
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I’m jealous of your gas because I want to be inside you.
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Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.
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I want to spend the rest of my lease with you.
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I miss you like a person on a cleanse misses their sanity.
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If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.
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If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.
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Let's take longer to pick the movie than it would take to watch it.
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My day job is hating my day job.
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What everyone in your family is actually thankful for this Thanksgiving.
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Just wanted to wish you an extremely early happy birthday so I can get back to thinking about myself.
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It's so cold I can barely stand the four minutes I'm outdoors every day.
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Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.
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Happy birthday to me, the only person I haven't lied to about my age.
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Learn about our brand new cutting-edge holiday cards!
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I hope you don't take this early birthday card as an indication I think you might not make it.
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