A popular tumblr post shows how men and women get different types of comments when they show their bods online.

Look

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jul 6, 2015 at 7:38pm PDT

We all remember the butt post that changed everything. Earlier this week, Justin Bieber posted a nude photo (above) with the caption "Look" and inspired a nation.

Now, there's a post on Tumblr with more than 9,000 notes comparing the comments he got to the comments Demi Lovato received when she posted a revealing pic.

It shows this photo of Lovato...

...which got these comments....

...above this photo of Bieber...

...that got these comments...

As you can see, Demi Lovato's post received comments calling her a "slut," urging her to respect herself, and saying she's "still a fat bitch" (in reference, presumably, to her recovery from an eating disorder...sigh). Meanwhile, on Bieber's side of Instagram, he gets playful emoji-laced feedback praising his hot bod. The tumblr user eloquently summarized, "this is so messed up."

Related: We scored and ranked all the celebrity penises we've accidentally seen lately.

That definitely is messed up. And there definitely are double standards for women on Instagram (see: anythingaboutnipples). But the post is a little misleading because if you scroll through the Bieber pic, there are also a ton of comments criticizing him, his body, and his decision to post the pic. We sent the screenshots to the Someecards Forensic Lab where a team of top scientists from MIT, Harvard, and Cal Tech is further investigating the case.

For now, all we know for sure is that people say unconscionable things to women on the Internet and that we must provide more funding for Instagram studies.

The fuckable TwerkingButt is here, and I would like to help you optimize its value.

A thing of butt-y is a joy forever. (via TwerkingButt)

Pornhub, the makers of... well, you can guess what sort of things they're the makers of... have a new product: the TwerkingButt. This programmable, vibrating, fuckable butt comes with VR goggles, the ability to be controlled by your smartphone, technology that allows it to twerk in time with whatever playlist you desire, and so on. The deluxe model of the butt is the one that truly twerks, and that's yours for $1000.

While nobody can put a price on pleasure (which really should be a tagline for something, if it isn't already), $1000 is a lot of money. If I had an extra $1000, I could buy groceries for several months. Or I could fly across the country multiple times to visit my family. Or I could get 1000 one-dollar bills! Thus, I can't in good faith suggest buying the disembodied twerking butt just to have a disembodied twerking butt.

However, if you are able to use said butt for non-twerking/sex-related things that you'd otherwise spend money on, then it might be a reasonable purchase. (The TwerkingButt website has an extended humorous video showing different sexy uses for the butt, if you want to see that.) With that in mind, here is a list of other items around the house that the TwerkingButt could replace, and the money that'll save you. (Prices based on Amazon.com searches.)

Alternate uses for the TwerkingButt

• Doorstop ($6.75)
• Christmas dining table centerpiece ($34.60, minus $2 for pine boughs to place around the Twerking Butt)
• Sushi plate ($19.72, best used when butt is off)
• Spooky Halloween yard decoration ($41.00, sit far away from TwerkingButt and activate with your phone when trick-or-treaters come near)
• Wig form (total of $18.75, replacing two wig forms with one wig on each butt cheek)
• Piggy bank/literal spank bank ($14.99, put your spare change in the fake butt hole and vagina)
• Bookend ($18.49)
• Paperweight ($22.00)
• White noise machine ($49.50)
• Makeshift thermometer ($22.65, let butt heat to 98.6 degrees, then use your hand to test the butt's heat against your forehead heat)
• Booster seat ($25.49)
• Anti-theft device ($22.83, leave on doorstep to confuse and disturb potential burglars)
• Massager, the non-sexy kind ($49.95, put feet on TwerkingButt, or place the TwerkingButt at your lower back)
• Heating pad ($37.32, place warmed butt on your stomach, muscles, or wherever else you have cramping and soreness)
• Place to hide valuables ($16.40, nobody is going looking for your grandmother's necklace if they have to reach inside a fake vag)

That gets you up to $361.12. So, if you're good with paying effectively $638.88 just for the sex value of the TwerkingButt, I'd consider it an effective purchase.

At first I was really surprised and disappointed, then I realized I was confusing him with Burt Reynolds.

Tom Selleck California Drought Water Stealing Photos Radar … : http://t.co/I6NghrOznh ,, pic.twitter.com/AUeUiPMWaQ

— Kaylee Smith (@Smith1Kaylee) July 9, 2015

Calleguas Municipal Water District in California hired an actual private investigator to prove that “Magnum, P.I.” star Tom Selleck has been syphoning off water from districts outside of Hidden Valley Municipality, where his 60-acre ranch is located. If you somehow don't know, California is currently facing a very serious drought. Communities throughout the state are being told to cut water usage by 25% and the water shortage is having serious effects on the agricultural industry.

This isn't just a matter of filling a few buckets from his neighbors hose, although I'd love to watch Tom Selleck run down the street with a couple of sloppy buckets. According to the L.A. Times, he's been driving trucks up to fire hydrants and filling them for the last two years. Calleguas has spent almost 22,000 dollars recording the incidents and paying legal fees for all the cease and desist orders they've had to send out. The resources manager, Eric Bergh, said:

“Our 630,000 customers are ripping out their lawns, drastically cutting back on the water they use. The water that we have secured for them, that they have paid for, should remain in district boundaries.”

SHAAAAAAAAAME. Hope you enjoyed your avocados, Selleck, because you won't be sneaking any more water to keep those babies ripe.

Meanwhile, let's enjoy Burt Reynolds' version of sneaking around:

What kind of fast food won't we be allowed to call 911 to complain about next?

The Man doesn't care about how soggy your noodles are.(via Thinkstock)

Bad news, fellow freedom-loving patriots. In this increasingly militaristic police state we call the United States, you are no longer allowed to call 911 to tell the authorities that your delivery Chinese food is "not up to par for [your] liking."

A 44-year-old Alliance, Ohio woman learned this lesson the hard way recently when she picked up the phone and dialed a 9 and two 1s to inform the state-run emergency telephone service—which is paid for with your tax dollars!—that the Asian-style cuisine she ordered from a local restaurant could have been prepared a little bit better. The woman was charged with "charged with misuse of 911" and will have to defend herself in court in the coming days.

It gives me no pleasure to report this harrowing story to you. The American Eagle that lives inside my heart is literally weeping tears of blood as I write these words.

What he really needs is his brain charged.

I get it. When my cell phone's battery life dips down anywhere below 30 percent, I start getting extremely panicky. I'm not always "my best me" in those anxiety-ridden moments, and I've done some things I'm not proud of. I'll spare you all the details, but I'll admit that, in my search for available power outlets, I have been pulled from beneath diner booths by a belligerent waiter or two. (Apparently you can't use sockets in other people's booths even if they're leaving them totally unused and wasted.)

Bearing all that in mind, I still feel like I have the right to point and laugh at this guy who climbed up onto the stage just before a recent performance of the Broadway play Hand to God. It's not the amazing display of rudeness. I actually kind of respect that. Even more so after hearing that he indignantly asked the ushers, “Well, where can I charge it?” after they handed his phone back to him.

No, the truly laughable aspect of this story is that this dumbass thought the prop power outlet built into the set wall was actually wired for electricity. Doesn't he know how much it would cost to pull in a representative from New York City's International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers Local Union No. 3 to work alongside the non-union set and scenery construction teams who are under contract with that specific theater? Come on, man, think!

A laser cutter was used to lay down this tasty groove.

Back in April, this video of a tortilla record went viral on the Internet. It was cute and all, but there was one big problem: the video was super fake. Anyone could tell that the audio of the "Mexican Hat Dance" had been added in after the fact.

Frustrated by this artifice, one crafty engineer decided to see if he could make a real, working record out of a tortilla. He chose an uncooked flour tortilla, because "cooked tortilla are lumpier in comparison and are more prone to shredding when played." Putting it in a laser cutting machine, he etched a groove in the flatbread from a digital music file, and voilà! It worked. He uploaded video proof to YouTube, and posted detailed instructions on Instructables.

For his first song, he had no choice but to pick the "Mexican Hat Dance," and it turned out pretty well. It's recognizable as the song, anyway. The audio quality isn't great, but it's still the best I've ever heard from an edible record. With that initial success, he was emboldened to try some different tracks:

Pretty soon, he'll have enough discs to throw an all-tortilla DJ night. It might not be the most danceable, but it would definitely get the crowd hungry. And this kid would find it entertaining.

In case you were wondering what people do all day on their phones.

"Could you please use the word in a sentence?... Sorry, I should specify I mean a coherent, logical sentence."

"Who defines the definitions?" (via Thinkstock)

Urban Dictionary contributors are weirdos. The website houses definitions for some of the most deranged sexual acts, most of which I'm sure don't actually exist (or if they do, I don't want to live in a world in which they exist). On top of that, even the most innocuous, everyday terms are often given a demented twist by the website's users. What I've always found the most entertaining about the site, however, is the examples people use when defining words. They are always so weird and random. Take an entry for smoking, for example. Pay attention to the back-and-forth between Ariel and Kayla:

Why do they jump off a bridge at the end? Can't they just say they're gonna go smoke and that's it? This is a prime example of why the examples are always so weird: They start off normal, and then some weird element is added to the scenario at the end. It's confusing. You gotta justify the bridge thing! Is it a small bridge that people jump off of recreationally? Did Kayla and Ariel have a suicide pact? I need to know up top.

I've taken it upon myself to fill in the blanks for some of the posts, just to clear things up a bit. I chose these randomly by going through a bunch of entries (which was traumatizing enough on its own), so they're a bit all over the place, but I generally tried to stick to ones that added weird, unnecessary details to what should be a straightforward scenario.

1. The KGB is a cockblocker.

The Soviet Union. 1967. We were in dark times. As I made my way through the streets of Moscow, I felt like I was being followed. Was it because I was involved in anti-Brezhnev activity? That's none of your business. I ducked into a little tavern to shake off my stalkers. Cigarette smoked filled the air as soft polka played on the jukebox. I ordered a vodka on ice and sat at the bar. It was closing time. The young people were deciding whether or not to go home alone. The dude and some fine-ass woman were gettin' their game on when KGB showed up fucked up and put his arms around them. He didn't even know he was being a cockblocker. I ducked out quickly, but it wasn't enough time. The bastards grabbed me and put me in their truck. As we drove away, I saw the city fading in the distance. Thus began my life as a political prisoner.

2. Guy 2 is way too into hot-boxing.

Guy 1 picks Guy 2 up.
Guy 1: Hey man.
Guy 2: OMG! Hey! What's up. I'm so happy to hang out with you tonight!
Guy 1: Yep...Me too...
Guy 1 puts on the radio.
Guy 2: I love this song! This song rules! We have the same taste in music; we're like twins!
Guy 1: I just put it on a random station...
Guy 2: Hooray!
They pull up to the movie theater.
Guy 1: Let's park behind the movie theater and hotbox this mofo.
Guy 2: Fuck yes. This is the funnest night ever!
Guy 1: What is wrong with you?
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: Can you just chill? We're just smoking a little and going to watch a movie, it's not that big of a deal.
Guy 2: Oh, sorry.
Guy 1: It's fine, it's just kind of weird.
Guy 2: No, I know. I just don't have a lot of friends, so when you said you wanted to hang out, it was a really pleasant surprise. I was excited, that's all.
Guy 1: Oh, wow. I'm sorry, man. That's really deep. Thanks for sharing. I didn't mean to be an asshole.
Guy 2: Just kidding. I LOVE YOU!!! YIPEEE!

3. Species dysphoria is a very serious condition.

A jail cell.
Investigator: So what did they do again, officer?
Police Officer: They broke into the zoo and tried to live with the animals.
Investigator: Jesus. What did you say in your deposition?
Alyssa: I told the shrink that I feel like a wild animal trapped in a human body, and she said it sounds like classic species dysphoria.
Jacques: I know I was meant to be a dolphin. Why did I end up a sexy human instead? Species dysphoria sucks.
Jerry: If only I'd been born a bird, I wouldn't have to spend so much money on flying, parachuting, hang-gliding, sky-diving and base-jumping. Damned species dysphoria.
Investigator: Any chance you guys have heard of furries?
Jacques: Yes. (A pause.) Fuckin' weirdos.

4. Andrew always wanted to be a singer.

Me and Andrew work on a construction site.
Andrew: Did you listen to the new Coheed and Cambria album?
Me: Hell yeah!
Andrew: Man, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth is like the most Uber song.
Me: Yeah dude, Man your own jackhammer
Andrew: Man your battle stations
Me: You can't sing like Claudio Sanchez can.
Andrew: I know...
Me: What's wrong?
Andrew: Nothing.
Me: No, come on, tell me.
Andrew: Well, it's just that, you know, I really thought I'd be a singer one day, but then I got a job, and got married, and there's the kids, and the mortgage, and taking care of my parents. Life just kind of happened right before my eyes.
Me: Hey bud. It's never too late to follow your dreams.
Andrew: You think so?
Me: I know so.
I put my hands on Andrew's shoulder.
Andrew: Thanks.

5. Peter meows at people.

Therapist's office.
Vincent: Thanks for coming in again, Peter.
Peter: No problem.
Vincent: I think we've made a lot of progress in treating your species dysphoria.
Peter: Me too.
Vincent: You seem to be adjusting to being normal teenager on again.
Peter: Totally.
Vincent: So how was prom?
Peter: It was great!
Vincent: You dance with alotta girls?
Peter: No. Just went 'meow meow meow' the whole time.
Vincent: SMH

If this doesn't make you daydream about running around the room with your arms outstretched while making explosion sounds, your inner child is dead.

This is how I secretly hope all patent applications look.(via PatentYogi)

"Nuh-uh," one 7-year-old will say to another in the not-so-distant future, "Jets are faster than helicopters."
"Oh yeah?" the other one will reply, knowing they've lured their dimwitted prey into an intellectual bear trap, "What about LASER-NUKE JETS??"
"Oooooohhhh," the assembled classmates watching the duel will say in awe. How could they have forgotten about laser nuke jets? Laser nuke jets are the coolest!

Of course, in this not-too-distant future, it will be hard to imagine that Boeing only filed the patent for laser nuke jets in 2015. How do they work? Well, it's frighteningly simple. Simple enough to explain using my keyboard.

You take a jet engine shell:

----------

----------

Put a parabolic disc inside:

----------
(
----------

Fire pellets of fusion-ready material like deuterium (hydrogen with 1 proton and 1 neutron) or tritium (hydrogen with, you guessed it, 1 proton and 2 neutrons) through a hole in the center of the disc.

----------
(•
----------

Focus lasers on the pellet until it heats up and fuses into helium, releasing hella energy (.

----------
(>❊
----------

The energy and high-speed particles bounce off the disc, creating unidirectional thrust.

----------
(❊=========>
----------

Repeat, like hundreds of times a minute.

This is in many ways reminiscent (on a small scale) of the famous/infamous Project Orion spaceship design, proposed by Freeman Dyson (not to be confused with NASA's new Orion capsule.) That involved a spaceship with a giant disc on one end (with some versions calling for a spring between the disk and the main capsule). Hydrogen bombs would be dropped in front of the disc, propelling the spaceship forward. The design held great promise, except for the fact that astronauts would be turned to pink goo by the rapid acceleration. Hopefully, Boeing has worked out that tiny issue.

And it actually kind of makes sense...

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Remember Shaggy? The reggae singer who was really popular in the 90s and early 2000s? The guy who's probably headlining at a harbor festival right now as we speak? They guy who released that one song? And that other song? And that other song? Well, he was recently interviewed in the Miami New Times concerning his thoughts on ISIS, and he had the following to say:

If you're able to cut a man's head off, you're sick. But right, music evokes emotion. So if they're listening to Shaggy music or reggae music, they're not going to want to cut somebody's head off.

There're two thing you want to do when you listen to reggae: You get somebody pregnant, or you're fucking high. High people don't want to kill nothing; they want to love. They need to bag some Jamaican weed and distribute it amongst ISIS. I guarantee there won't be any more wars out there.

Now I know what you're thinking: Why the hell should I listen to Shaggy's opinions on ISIS? You might not know this, but he was in the military when he was younger, and not just as an IT guy—he was in the Marines!

I would say that his advice is pretty sound, although ISIS's drug of choice is a little more intense than pot.

If you're going to be riding any animal when you drop your GoPro attached to a selfie stick, it's good to be riding an elephant.

We can't get inside this elephant's thoughts; if we could, there would have been a reality show called Elephant Mind by now. That probably would have been followed by the fictional spinoff Elephant Mind, Esq., about an elephant that becomes New York City's most prominent lawyer by projecting his thoughts into people's heads (tagline: "This pachyderm figured out law... but has he figured out love?") And then the elephant would probably decide that he wanted to do comedy and star in a sitcom called ElePants about a single dad elephant who was also a big-and-tall pants designer.

Anyway, my point is this: we can't be totally sure that this elephant is judging this guy for using a selfie stick while riding a goddamn elephant. In fact, it could even be that the author of this write up is the one judging the guy for using a selfie stick while riding a goddamn elephant. Although, to be fair, of all the dumb uses for a selfie stick I've ever seen, this is the most OK. So it's probably the elephant judging him, and not me. Yup.

None of these men are runway ready.

I like wearing eyeliner. But I also recognize that it is completely insane that, at some point in history, someone was like, "Hey, you know how it hurts when you get something in your eye? Let's tempt fate by putting a bunch of stuff juuuuuuust on the outside of our eyes, because it looks cool." And now, most of us take for granted that eyeliner is A Thing Women Wear.

Some people who don't take it for granted anymore? The gentlemen in this video. Enjoy.

Breathe in. Breathe out. F*ck those bitches.

The secret to inner peace is giving your problems the ol' "f*ck you." But it's so easy to get all wound up, giving more and more f*cks until you have no more f*cks to give. When that happens, turn to Jason Headley and his brilliant mantra: "Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit." Start your morning with this meditation every day, and you'll definitely feel better. Or you won't. I don't give a f*ck.

Skip to :45 if you can't bear the suspense.

I've been whale watching before, and nothing like this ever happened. The closest I came was when a seagull pooped on my shirt. That was thrilling, though.

This incredible video was captured by Brad Rich. He and Tony Flanders were fishing in Resurrection Bay near Seward, Alaska, when they suspected there might be some humpbacks nearby. Rich began filming, but was utterly unprepared for the spectacular breach he was about to see. When it happened, he turned into a giggling, pants-shitting schoolboy, which makes this clip all the better.

In case you're wondering about the whales' behavior, they appear to be bubble-net feeding. This is a distinctive humpback behavior in which the whales dive underwater and exhale in a circular pattern, creating a "net" of rising bubbles that traps their prey in an enclosed location, so the whales can eat them. It also looks pretty amazing when you're in a boat right on top of it. It's like whale synchronized swimming.

Rich also took a video of the whales departing, which is less dramatic. On the other hand, it's pleasantly relaxing. Take a look:

All in all, it looks like these lucky fishermen had a whale of a time!

Today I'm resigning from my role as an Ariana Grande donut scandal commentator to focus on other things.

This is where it all started. (via TMZ)

Bringing you the details about Ariana Grande licking unpurchased donuts and saying she hates America has been a rewarding journey. I've felt so honored to participate in this story in any small way, and I know that my outlook will never be the same.

Let's take a moment to reflect on how far we've come. First, there was security footage of Grande licking display donuts and saying she hates America. Then, she tried to blame her behavior on ever-so-frustrating fat people. Next, the police launched an investigation. And now, the saga concludes with something I never saw coming: a genuine apology.

In this video, entitled "sorry babes," Grande sincerely apologizes for the "donut fiasco" and for the way she handled it. She clarifies that she doesn't hate America, and that with "all the wonderful progressive things that have been going on" (subtweet to marriage equality) she's "never been prouder." She also explains how embarrassed she was after seeing the security footage:

I like, shoved my face in a pillow and wanted to disappear. But instead of that I'm going to come forward and own up to what I did and take responsibility and, um, say I'm sorry...

She also said she's going to use this whole melodrama as a learning experience. This part of the apology made me be like, wow, we're being really hard on her for licking some donuts. It was super weird, but it's not really that bad.

I'm 22 years old. I'm human. I've still got a lot to learn, and I make mistakes, and that's how I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from my mistakes and I'm gonna learn by messing up and that's how we grow, you know? We just have to get better and actually act on it and use the mistakes as a platform to learn and to grow and become better.

You know what? I forgive her. And for spending 48 hours becoming completely consumed by a celebrity getting caught licking donuts and saying she hates America, I also forgive myself.

Finally, Don Draper takes on someone else's identity in a non-depressing way.

Bill Hader can impersonate many different people. But what happens when one of the world's most recognizable actors impersonates him? And in an official interview to promote a new movie no less.

Amy Schumer and Bill Hader are currently promoting their upcoming movie Trainwreck. They both were scheduled to appear on Extra to answer the garden variety "was there chemistry? blah blah blah" interview questions, except Bill wasn't there. He was replaced by Jon Hamm. I know this because much like the original SNL impressions of the 70s, Jon Hamm did nearly nothing to disguise himself as Hader. In fact, he barely tries to impersonate Hader. That's what makes Jon Hamm a brilliant comedic actor. He doesn't try. At all.

The result is everything you want in a short comedy movie interview. It's funny and dirty and weird. Plus, you get to stare at Jon Hamm.