This cubicle is not my home. My home is my home, and this cubicle is a three-walled low-security prison where I secretly look at Facebook.
"This reminds me of being home. By which I mean, this reminds me of wanting to be home and not here." (via Thinkstock)
We all understand that working in an office is pretty unnatural — the lighting, the extended periods of time sitting and staring at screens, the lack of outdoor air, etc. But all of us office workers are also complicit in a massive ruse wherein we tell each other that working in an office is just fine. It's like when a child asks a group of adults what a blow job is, and all of the adults fully agree that it's a job working on a wind farm. Except instead of lying to a kid, we lie to each other, agreeing that making our cubes feel like home is a good idea instead of screaming, running outside, and burying our faces in the first lawn we can find (or drought-resistant succulent patch, if you're in Southern California).
I mean no ill will to the people to write these "make your cube like home" lists. I've written plenty of lists like this at other jobs I've had, and shit, we need to do something to help our offices feel less crappy. But I find it depressing to read articles that are written with the tone of a smiling Stepford wife telling us how to make spending 9+ hours a day in a beige cube feel home-like. With that in mind, here are some of the saddest suggestions I've seen for making your cube feel like home.
1. Keep animals on your desk.
Specifically fish. Because nothing gives you the comfortable, warm feeling of home like coming in after a long weekend away and discovering that the weekend guy forgot to feed your now-dead beta fish, Catherine Beta-Jones.
2. "Get a cool desk toy."
"Desk toys play an influential role in maintaining the emotional well-being of their owners and may even help relieve some stress." I'm not sure if they're talking about a human adult here or suggesting that you give your dog a peanut-butter-filled Kong. Either way, follow this suggestion and get yourself a "quirky" desk toy so you can relieve some stress and improve your emotional well-being. I assume you do this by whispering all of your hatred and fears about work into the desk toy, trusting that when you leave the office at night, it comes to life and messes up the desks of coworkers you hate.
3. Hang a calendar.
This article's expert suggests that "A simple wall calendar helps you 'get a sense of time,'... you can see the upcoming vacation." Or, if you have no vacation scheduled, you can see endless days of work stretching out in front of you, month after month, like an ultra-marathon of crapitude. That's fun.
4. "Display art that makes you happy."
I'm getting into semantics here, but "display art that makes you happy" is such an obvious suggestion that it feels like a non-suggestion. Who has ever read this suggestion and said, "Oh my god, that's it! I've been displaying art I hate!" or "Art? What's that? I guess I'll have to find some and learn what it's about."
5. Take Vitamin D.
You get Vitamin D from sunlight. You are obviously never seeing sunlight in your cube. To make your cube more enjoyable, this list suggests taking Vitamin D pills. If you ever get sad, take a moment to pen a brief poem to the sunlight that hast forsaken you. You know, just like you'd do at home.