5. The cast of 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens,' because Harrison Ford told them their lives are over.

Look at those fresh, young, hopeful faces. The fools.(Getty)

The cast of the original Star Wars trilogy reunited for a panel at Comic-Con this weekend, joining their younger costars from the upcoming sequel The Force Awakens. While there, Harrison Ford was asked if he had any advice for them on living life as a Star Wars alum. His answer was characteristically grim:

Of course, Harrison Ford has a right to be grumpy. Being in Star Wars turned him into the greatest and most famous movie star of the past 50 years. Let's just hope the new kids are spared such a horrible fate.

4. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, because he can't keep the country's most infamous criminal in jail.

Mexico's president and a ruthless drug kingpin. If you can't tell the difference, you're racist.
(via Getty/Twitter)

Being the president of Mexico seems like a thankless job. I don't want to be too hard on President Peña Nieto, but this has to be an embarrassing day for him. When he took power in 2012, he promised to root out drug violence and reduce corruption. Now, drug violence and corruption are teaming up to show him who's really in charge.

Joaquín "Chapo" Guzmán Loera, one of Mexico's most notorious and feared drug lords, escaped from prison for the second time on Saturday night. Guzmán previously escaped in 2001 by hiding in a laundry cart. He then spent an incredible 13 years on the run before being apprehended last year at his beachfront condo. His capture was lauded as the greatest victory of Peña Nieto's administration, which makes this escape all the more humiliating.

Guzmán escaped via a sophisticated tunnel dug underneath his prison, which is also his cartel's favorite method for smuggling drugs into America. It's unlikely the elderly Guzmán dug a mile-long tunnel by himself with a spoon, so authorities are assuming he had cooperation from both inside and outside the prison. Considering the fact that corrupt guards helped him escape last time, that seems like a given.

The Federales are tracking Guzmán now, but many are skeptical that he'll ever be seen again. He's probably sanding a boat on a beach in America by now.

3. A Florida man who was sentences to 2 1/2 years in prison for having sex on the beach.

At least they're not unattractive.(Florida State Department of Corrections, Florida Department of Law Enforcement via Washington Post)

Sex on the beach isn't just a fruity cocktail, it's also a major crime. That must have come as a shock to Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, who made headlines two months ago when they decided to have a good old-fashioned "sandy bang" in full view of everyone on a public beach in Florida.

Six people filed official complaints, and the footage went viral on the Internet. Caballero tried to defend himself in court by saying that Alvarez had just been dancing on top of him, but nobody believed that. Mostly because there aren't any dances where your penis penetrates a vagina (deliberately). Assistant State Attorney Anthony Dafonseca had this to say:

“She wasn't dancing. It's insulting your intelligence to say that she was dancing. I'm not going to tell you how exactly sexual intercourse goes but as far as how she was moving and as far as what the witnesses described, there is no need to be moving your bathing suit aside.”

Alvarez was sentenced to 60 days time served, but Caballero was sentenced to 30 months in prison because of a prior drug conviction. Drugs? Now I'm starting to think this guy might be a little sleazy.

2. Angelina Jolie, because Hugh Jackman's wife won't allow him to work with her.

Star-crossed actors.(Getty)

In a recent interview with Australia's Today Show, Hugh Jackman's wife of 19 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, was asked if there were any actresses she wouldn't allowed her husband to work with. In a tongue-in-cheek response, Furness said, "I've told his agent he's not allowed to work with Angelina. I'm sure she's lovely."

I'm sure she is too. Threateningly lovely. While it seems like Furness was joking, the truth remains that Jackman has never worked with Jolie in either of their long careers. And for those of us who've long been hoping for a Tomb Raider/Wolverine crossover film, it's a crushing blow. Jackman responded to the story in an interview with Entertainment Tonight:

"Deb and I have been married for 20 years. We have a lot of rules. We've very balanced. So she said that – as long as she doesn't work with Brad Pitt, we're cool."

Bad news, Hugh. She is working with Brad Pitt – on a baby! (Speculation)

1. A Pennsylvania man who was found naked and drunk in a barn and told the cops, "I just like pigs."

A face that says "I like pigs."(via Manor Township Police)

On a scale of "Floridaness," Pennsylvania ranks just under Florida. The stories read just like Florida ones, but with a subtle Appalachian twist. In this case, pigs.

Larry William Henry, a man with an overabundance of first names, was arrested recently after he was found naked in a hog barn in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Henry was drunk, and in the company of several prize hogs. When asked why he was there, Henry had the best defense I've ever heard. He told the police:

"I just like pigs."

I'm surprised they didn't let him off the hook right there. He also admitted to drinking a six-pack of Hamm's Beer, which is a perfect detail. He was arrested and held on a $25,000 bail. Henry is due back in trial later this month, and isn't expected to see any leniency. He might have, but he was banned from ever returning to that exact barn in 2011, under mysterious circumstances.

Now that is a man who really likes pigs.

Loving your local sports team is as American as hating your local tax-squandering government. But what if I told you your sports team is probably bilking your city for all it's worth?

Statistically speaking, if you live in America, you live within driving distance of a major sports franchise. If you're a fan, driving to the stadium and taking in a game with your friends and family is probably a beloved annual tradition. Just like the beloved annual tradition of blasting your state and city governments for wasting your hard-earned tax dollars. Well, what if I told you that one reason your state and/or city is in debt is that it's still paying off a ton of loans it took out to build a stadium? A stadium it paid hundreds of millions of dollars for, yet from which it receives no income, because it was handed over to the billionaire owners of the team that plays there. What if I told you the taxpayers who paid to build the damn thing don't even get money from the naming rights? You know, the money that companies pay so that Philadelphians can never say, "I'm going to Eagles' stadium," but have to say, "I'm going to Lincoln Financial Field" instead. (Maybe that explains why Eagles fans are so angry...no, it goes deeper than that.)

"Well, we had no choice," you might say, "they threatened to leave and move to Los Angeles." Well, I've got news for you—your city is in an abusive relationship. You deserve better than that. You deserve for those billionaire bastards who charge you $10 a beer to pay for their own f-ing stadium, because they pretend to be American businesspeople, and American businesspeople aren't supposed to be state-funded. It's the Washington Redskins, not the Washington Red Army. (It shouldn't be the Redskins, though. That should change.) And you know what? Eventually, they'll have to give in. Because not every team can move to Los Angeles. That place can only support, at most, 10 franchises that no one attends per sport. Eventually, they'll come crawling back.

With a lead role in two huge Hollywood franchises, Jennifer Lawrence is over anyone telling her how to look.

At Comic-Con last weekend, Lawrence was being interviewed and was asked if her role as Katniss Everdeen, and the success of The Hunger Games in general, would potentially open up more roles for women. There's some footage edited out, but presumably this discussion went down a rabbit-hole of what kind of obstacles actresses face in the entertainment industry. One of which is, of course, incredibly strict standards of beauty. Here's what she said:

“I'm starting this new thing: I've tried to develop a filter. This could blow people's hair back in a good way, or it could be my last time at Comic-Con.... I had a conversation with somebody about the struggles with weight in the industry – I know that's something I talk nonstop about. And they were saying, 'All of the main movie stars aren't very underweight.' I said, 'Yeah, because once you get to a certain place, people will hire you. They just want you to be in the movie, so they don't care.' It's more about the struggle for the actors and actresses who haven't made it to a certain place."

The secret is once you get famous, no one tells you what to do! It would definitely be cool to hear from the ladies struggling at Central Casting, who still have to deal with that nonsense. And you ARE bogarting all the roles, Jennifer. Just kidding, you're one of the only young blonde women it's still exciting to see on the big screen. Oh, wait, except for Gwendoline Christie! She plays Brienne of Tarth on Game of Thrones and I caught a glimpse of her in this trailer:

According to Sophia Vergara's Instagram page, she had a rather marvelous birthday celebration.

Happy verde
A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on Jul 10, 2015 at 11:32pm PDT

She was truly a birthday princess. There was a mariachi band, over a hundred different kinds of cake (estimated), and she drank from an oversized bedazzled chalice. It was exactly the kind of classy party you'd expect from a fancy famous person.

Llego el mariachiiii
A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on Jul 11, 2015 at 12:37am PDT

Sophia's boyfriend Joe Manganiello a/k/a Big Dick Richie in Magic Mike a/k/a some kind of animal-man hybrid in True Blood was there, and he gave her a birthday gift. It was a t-shirt with a picture of himself on it.

Bday gift
A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on Jul 10, 2015 at 11:35pm PDT

Actually, it was a t-shirt with a picture of a shirtless Joe Manganiello as a centaur. At first, I thought it was hilarious, because Joe is playing into the idea that he's a caricature of himself. However, it's also sort of selfish to give someone a picture of yourself. Maybe he got himself a shirt with Sophia on it to balance the scales. If so, it would make this shirt even better!

This image was originally created two years ago, but resurfaced because of a certain resemblance.

"I'm Batman."(via reddit)

Does this picture look like any Batmen you know? More specifically, any recent Batmen? Maybe this will jog your memory:

That's right. This composite image of actors who've played Batman has gone viral in the last few days because people think it looks like Ben Affleck. That shouldn't be surprising, except Affleck had nothing to do with it. The image was created by redditor morphingapg two years ago, before the announcement that Affleck would play the caped crusader in Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It combines the faces of every big-screen Batman actor up to that point: Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale.

Personally, I don't see the resemblance to Affleck. I would buy this imaginary actor as Bruce Wayne – he's certainly handsome enough, and he looks like he could brood with the best of them – but I don't see any Affleck in there.

Just to be on the safe side, someone took the original image and added Affleck into the mix. Let's see what difference it makes.

"I'm Benman."(via reddit)

I can't even tell it apart from the previous one. Does that mean it looks like Affleck, or just that his features aren't strong enough to overpower the other five Batmen? Am I overthinking this?

Anyway, this is an interesting thought experiment, but I don't find it very relevant. I'm a 90s kid, and the definitive Batman for me will always be the one whose face you never saw: Kevin Conroy, who provided his voice in the beloved Batman: The Animated Series.

Dealing with homophobia in the U.S. is already a daunting task. Russia, on the other hand, is a whole different story.

"Let's take Jackass and make it more depressing." (via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

Normally, YouTube "pranksters" who conduct "social experiments" are the most awful people in the video. I'm not sure whether they knew what they would find, but ChebuRussiaTV's simple video is that rare "social experiment" that actually turns out to be a shocking exposé. In this case, a reminder of the horrific reality faced by LGBT people in Russia. It's easy to think of homophobia as an abstract concept made of statistics, politics and history—especially with recent victories in the US—and to detach ourselves from the struggles faced by people here, and especially in less LGBT-friendly nations.

ChebuRussiaTV is, as all prank channels claim to be, a comedy channel. The two guys in the video seem like two young dudes who are just conducting fun pranks while slipping in some interesting social commentary where they can. Their previous pranks gauge Russia's reaction to a fake blowjob, a mustached girl, a blind person, a murder in the woods, and a girl in a wheelchair. While these videos are fun and lighthearted, they have some pretty jarring moments where some awful citizens show their true, prejudiced colors. Nothing compares to their most recent video, however.

It's called "Reaction to gays in Russia social experiment," and the premise is simple: They filmed Moscow citizens' reactions to two men walking down the street holding hands. The video quickly goes from being a fun sketch to horrifying reflection of homophobia in Russian society. The two men receive a plethora of different reactions, all of which are negative. They are met with commands to leave:

How bout you leave?! (via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

To softer cursing, as if gay-bashing were a casual civic duty akin to recycling:

How do you have the coordination to be a bigot and take pictures at the same time?
(via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

They even get mocked by a kid, which I found one of the hardest reactions to watch, since it implies to what extent this kid has been taught to hate.

Save yourself, child! (via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

And most shockingly (but also unsurprisingly), they face outright violence:

He attacked them completely unprovoked. (via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

So much time and energy spent on being a dick. (via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

When discussing Russia, there is an ongoing dialogue about how the country is "going backwards." That's definitely true in many capacities; Putin's foreign policy eerily resembles Cold War Soviet policy, the Russian electoral system is far from democratic, and of course, Russia is one of the worst countries for gay rights (as of 2013, only 16% of Russians believe that homosexuality should be accepted). Those in power in Russia still feel slighted by the success of the U.S. and its dominating effect on the rest of the world. Their want their country to return to its "former glory." It doesn't seem like they just want to be powerful again, however; they actually want to turn back the clock. They view anything Western as a corrupting influence, and conflate accepting homosexuality to losing this fictitious battle between equally fictitious conceptions of West and East. Upon seeing the two men holding hands, one of the spectator comments, "What's going on with Russia?"

Progress is what's going on. (via YouTube/ChebuRussia TV)

I know, right? Wake up, Russia. Stop trying to assert a bogus, outdated notion of an old empire. Accepting LGBT rights isn't a "Western idea," it's a fundamental human right. This isn't all Russians, of course; with any corrupt government, there are always citizens who want to make a change, no matter what suppression they may face. I'm sure there are thousands of Russian citizens who are just as tired of their government as we Yankees are of reading about it. Thank god we have organizations like ChebuRussiaTV who are brave enough to do something about it. They have a similar prank, called "Gay pick up prank," which is just as illuminating, and of course, just as horrifying.

Welcome to (the highways around) Toronto, Canada's biggest, meanest city. Where citizens drive the flashiest mid-range imports, wear the pinkest shorts, and aren't afraid to get in each other's faces for the tiffiest spats...until a polite cop tells the boys to grow up.

I don't know much about the CBC's lineup, but with a few more clips like this police officer interrupting an interview to calmly solve an ongoing road rage dispute by shouting "come on, boys" at two moderately enraged men, they could have a reality show on their hands. "Tune in this Sunday on the CBC for the 28th consecutive season of the rawest true-crime show on Canadian TV, Successful Conflict Resolutions."

Everybody's a winner.

"It's the Internet in books," says one teen, and somewhere, a librarian cries.

Just like watching a slow-motion car crash or a starlet freaking out from the pressure of too much fame, many adults also like staring in horrified fascination at teenagers talking about things from Before Their Time. To scratch that itch for today, allow me to present Teens React to Encyclopedias, a video where teens are very confused by things including stacks of books, the alphabet, and the idea that YouTube wouldn't be in an encyclopedia.

For anyone who gets breakup-level depressed when they see teenagers not understand things we older folks grew up with, I have two pieces of good news. One, these kids are actually real, smart humans, and the video doesn't try to play them as totally like, "DURRRRR BOOKS LOL." And two, make sure you watch the end of the video when these kids get their minds exploded by the idea that just like they don't use encyclopedias now, future kids might not use books at all.

When was the last time you were as stoked about anything as this kid is about seeing with her new glasses?

Meet Piper. The 10-month-old just got these glasses that look vaguely like Seth Green's goggles from Can't Hardly Wait, and oh boy, is she excited about it. And she has good reason to be happy — she's seeing clearly for the first time.

In a comment on the video, Jessica Sinclair explained the reason for her daughter's glasses: "She hasn't crawled yet, and I thought maybe there was something wrong with her eyesight so I took her. She doesn't have an astigmatism. But she is +7.00 in one eye and +5.00 in the other. The doctor said that is more than likely why she hasnt crawled."

This video is the most adorable thing I have seen today, and I hope that I can capture at least a fraction of Piper's excited wonder in my own life this week. Also, I hope this doesn't turn out to be a "viral" advertisement for Flipdaddy's. "Flipdaddy's: When you think of cute babies reaching touching life milestones, think of Flipdaddy's!"

What's better than a drugged bear safely falling out of a tree and being the subject of a hilarious photo? That happening twice. At the same place.

He came bear-elling down.
(via Glenn Asakawa/University of Colorado at Boulder on Facebook)

Friday was a wonderful day, because Friday was the day that a bear climbed a tree on the University of Colorado Boulder campus and decided to take a nap. After he was up there for four hours or so, wildlife officials decided to tranquilize the bear in order to remove him. As the two-year-old bear fell from the tree, school photographer Glenn Asakawa took this picture of him falling like Alice fell into Wonderland, if Wonderland consisted of a crash pad, a bunch of wilderness officials, and summertime college students.

If this is giving you deja vu, it's either because you've tranquilized a small bear and watched him fall from a tree, or because you remember when this exact same thing happened at the University of Colorado at Boulder three years ago:

Bear tranquilized at University of Colorado at Boulder. http://t.co/TND7LsRUpic.twitter.com/N1kLTUMK

— Heather Jackson (@heatherrjackson) April 28, 2012

Now, these pictures are fun to look at, but I also think it's time for the University of Colorado to admit that they don't have enough student housing for bears. Your bear students are literally SLEEPING IN TREES, guys, and the way that you thank them is by tranquilizing them? What if those bears were trying to just take quick naps before important tests!? For shame, University of Colorado. FOR SHAME.

A guy in Germany put a sedative in his girlfriend's tea so he'd have a night to bro down in front of the TV.

"What button do I have to press to get you to have sex with me?"(via Thinkstock)

Ladies, if you've ever put "plays video games" on your Deal Breaker List, history has vindicated you. A 23-year-old man in North Rhine-Westphalia (somewhere in Germany, possibly a magical forest) decided he wanted a night of interacting with other dudes on the Internet, pretending to shoot each other, and his girlfriend's autonomy as a human being was not going to interfere. He fed her a sedative which put her to sleep at around 10 P.M. and kept her unconscious until the following midday. That's when she had to drive to work and during the drive she kept nodding off. Yikes!

Apparently, he couldn't live with the guilt and confessed. She reported him and he now has to pay a fine of 500 euros, which actually seems pretty lenient. The Local reports the judge saying:

“Your girlfriend slept long and deeply, which didn't harm her, but this is certainly a premeditated bodily harm."

To me this sounds like something he DIDN'T premeditate. Her hair was tested and it's the only time she's been under the influence of the drug, so maybe he was like, "Ughhhh, I just have to finish this level and she's gonna want to talk about her feeeeeelings, bleh!" So, he went for it.

Overall, this story is the perfect example of why strong communication is important in healthy relationships. You should be able to say, "Honey, I want to finish this round of Farm Heroes so badly, I'm considering feeding you a tranquilizer," and then she can respond, "You are a garbage person, I'm going to go read a magazine while you pack up your sh*t."

Hmm, I guess both scenarios lead to them breaking up. They're broken up. Duh.

Answering constant questions from strangers about your twins is the second-hardest part about raising twins, after raising twins.

I REALLY wanted to leave these signs on the pram today. As a twin mum, you get asked a series of questions/hear a series of statements EVERYTIME you go out. I know most people are coming from a great place and are just curious however many can be quite intrusive and after a while it's just plain exhausting. And since I was heading into the city, I knew the questions would be coming thick and fast... but I chickened out on the train and took them off! #twinlyfe #twins #twinquestions #doubletrouble #cliches #delphiandcheska #uncannyannie

A photo posted by Annie Nolan (@uncannyannieblog) on Jul 9, 2015 at 2:12am PDT

Annie Nolan, an Australian mom who blogs at Uncanny Annie, has twin girls. Yes, they were conceived the old-fashioned way. No, they're not identical. But yes, they do look very similar. No, Annie's not a bitch. But yes, it does get super annoying to keep answering the same questions about them over and over and over again.

I only have one baby and I get bored of answering strangers' questions about him, so I can only imagine that with two, it's twice as hard. Hahaha am I right, Annie???

Annie?

Anyway, after Annie's sign went viral, the twins had to go incognito for a while.

Delphi and Cheska leaving the house for the first time since their 15mins of facebook fame #delphiandcheska #twins

A photo posted by Annie Nolan (@uncannyannieblog) on Jul 11, 2015 at 12:22am PDT

You know how it is when your mum's a mummy blogger.

Pickup artists have always been douchey, even back in the 1850s.

"No, this dress is not felt, nor would I like it to be." (viaThe Bliss of Marriage)

It's a tale as old as time — boy meets girl; boy relies on a bunch of stereotypes about girl; boy attempts to play mind games in an attempt to win girl's heart.* The classic art of wooing a lady has always been filled with jerkbags.

But, you might ask — how do I, a woman, know that things haven't totally changed? Well, that's thanks to a little book from 1858 called The Bliss of Marriage: or, How to Get a Rich Wife. The book was written by Samuel Stone Hall, who, in the preface, writes of the process of creating book, noting "The greatest difficulty has been to ascertain... when a lady is sincere." Great start, guy!

That said, the advice in this book isn't all terrible. Hall suggests finding a woman who you can be friends with is best, a women who is your match in terms of intellect and work ethic, even though you're obvs still trying to marry for that sweet, sweet cash. However, the worst parts of the books feel like dark, whiny subreddits where men make sweeping generalizations about how terrible women are because they won't be some lonely dude's submissive girlfriend-mommy.

With that, here's some terrible advice from 1858, because there's not already enough terrible advice on the Internet.

1. Don't compete with a rich man, 'cause ladies gotta get that gold.

You may have won her affection, you may have her hand betrothed, but if a rich man calls her to his side, she will obey the summons. There is such a magic charm in gold, there is such taste displayed in that splendid carriage and beautiful bays, that magnificent residence and train of servants, that she had sooner resist the imperial mandates of a sovereign, than refuse such grandeur.

Ladies, we've all been there — it's the eve of your wedding to the man you love, when a man you've never met before comes to your door with a veritable peacock's tail of $1000 bills, which he rains down on your doorstep. Your first response? Get wet. Your second response? Dump that bozo "fiancé" and move in with this complete stranger who could literally be a serial killer looking for the cover of a wife. Sure, you could try to refuse him... but you saw what Hall said above. You would sooner commit treason against your country than stay with your not-rich husband-to-be.

Also, remember that this is from a book about getting a rich lady, so any lady Hall is talking about being unable to turn away a gold-bearing suitor is already wealthy.

2. Old maids never married because their brains are broken or they led too many men on.

Old maids, like old bachelors, deserve little compassion from the world, for they must either be deserted coquettes, or were denied by nature the social qualities supposed to be innate in the mental constitution of every human being.

Coquette-shaming, a theme rampant throughout the book, is basically the 1850s version of slut-shaming. (Coquettes are women who flirt without wanting a relationship.) So obviously, all old women who were never married should be looked on with derision, because either they were too flirty when they were younger or something is literally wrong with their brains. And nope, Hall does not think that they can be perfectly happy without a man. According to him, those who don't have the part of their brain that loves domestic happiness "only enjoy the imperfect fragments of human happiness." To be fair, he does also diss on bachelors, although not to the same degree.

3. A woman who sleeps until breakfast time is the essence of the devil.

MARRY NO WOMAN WHO SLEEPS TILL BREAKFAST.

Also MARRY NO WOMAN WHO SLEEPS TILL LUNCH and MARRY NO WOMAN WHO SLEEPS TILL DINNER and maybe MARRY NO WOMAN WHO SLEEPS. IF SHE IS UNDEAD AND NEVER RESTS, SHE CAN GET MORE DONE AROUND THE HOUSE.

4. If you are very serious, women will fall in love with you, but any moment of joy you show REVEALS ALL OF YOUR WEAKNESSES.

Seriousness indicates solidity of character, and commands respect, and respect induces admiration, and admiration incites love. Every person has some weakness or frality which is never more fully displayed than in an outburst of merriment.

TL;DR: women are really just looking for Sam the Eagle in human form. Or maybe women just want to marry Sam the Eagle.

5. But seriously, guys: having fun is dumb, and you're an extra-big idiot if you tell puns.

The vulgar practice of punning is a frequent resort of superficial wits, to display the shallow impulse of a silly mind.

Sorry, dads everywhere, but puns are for silly dummies who won't land rich brides.

6. If a gal doesn't respond to your proposal, the best thing to do is court her rival to make her jealous, because apparently the 1800s were just one big rom-com.

Ladies do not always know themselves, how well they love a suitor until he seems to be lost and wrapped up in the affections of a rival. If this cannot force them to terms, then there can be no other recourse.

Yup. If a woman is not interested in your advances, the only thing left to do is date her rival and make her jealous.

7. In fact, if you do that, she might marry you just to spite some other lady.

Many young ladies will marry a lover for whom she has but little affection, to prevent his acceptance by a rival.

There is no way that this is going to work out well:

Lady: "Haha, I burned her! I got you back! How long will we be married for, now?"
Man: "60 years or so?"
Lady: "Oh... uh... huh."
Man: "Is everything OK?"
Lady: "Uh... suuuuuuuuure. 60 years?"
Man: "60 years."
Lady: "This is gonna be supes fun."

8. You know how ladies are fickle about clothing styles? Well, they treat love like they treat fashion. LOL!

When a lady beholds, for the first time, a beautiful piece of apparel, she may be willing to pay many times its real value; but after a few days wear would gladly exchange it for less than half its original cost. So it is with her love.

Not only are women jealous gold diggers, but they also have the attention span of colicky babies when it comes to clothes and men. So if you want to maintain her interest, fellas, you gotta reinvent yourself regularly, or else you're going to be thrown out like last season's trendy boots or whale bone corsets or whatever.

9. The main thing women want in life is to be called pretty.

To be pretty is the untiring aspiration of every woman. To be honored with the title of a village belle, is an appeal to female vanity unequalled by any other bestowment in the gift of an appreciative community. The little girl, before reason has dawned upon her infant mind, brightens in her countenance and runs in playful mirth to meet with a happy smile, those who call her pretty.

Sigh.

Bonus: A list of rich single people in 1858.

Just in case you were starting to feel like, "Hey, maybe some of this advice has honest intentions, and it isn't really about marrying for money," allow me to inform you that the book ends with an appendix listing rich single people in various American cities, with their approximate worth:

* Before you go shouty-shouty in the comments, yes, women can be manipulative assholes too. All of our brains are broken, OK?

The video description says this is a gag gift for cat lovers. But I want one.

The folks behind cat-butt-covering product Twinkle Tush really know how to sell their product:

Have you ever thrown a respectable cocktail party at your home only to have your feline family member come out and proudly display their uncovered rear? While kitty might enjoy showing off their brown eye, we're sure your guests don't like to see that one eyed monster while munching on their caviar. Give your cat some class. Hang a Twinkle Tush from their tail and cover that butt in bling.

The obvious problem with these butthole covers is (and apologies for being explicit here) what happens when the cat takes an explosive sh*t all over that rhinestone beauty? That's probably why they insist multiple times that it is a GAG gift. Do not let you cat wear one of these bad boys unattended.

Or just let your cat's anus breath. We are as God made us, and God made cats with a tail that sticks straight up in company. Everything happens for a reason, even assholes.

(via Twinkle Tush)

Remember Alfalfa, the pointy-haired, wiggly-eared little goofball from "The Little Rascals" movie?

Close-up:

If you thought this child actor would stay a child forever, you thought wrong!
(via YouTube)

Well, you'll never believe what happened! He grew up, and is very attractive. Or maybe you do believe that. I guess it's pretty normal. Okay, then....

Buzzfeed scoured actor Bug Hall's social media, found some good-lookin' pics, and declared him a "lumbersexual." And that can't really be argued with. Here he is now:

Pulling an all-nighter on the keyboards. pic.twitter.com/xZHNfW9810

— Bug Hall (@Bug_Hall) December 24, 2014

Friday night turn-up with all my friends... pic.twitter.com/tA1jhUXAoQ

— Bug Hall (@Bug_Hall) January 31, 2015

I take too many selfies. Seriously it's a problem, I'm like a teenage girl... with a freakin SICK beard, yo! #BugLife.

A photo posted by Bug Hall (@bug_hall) on Mar 14, 2015 at 2:31pm PDT

One thing I appreciate about this "story" is we're all acknowledging that the reason we're interested in these pictures is to enjoy this of-age man's hotness. We're not hiding creepy intentions by using innuendos like, "Alfalfa from The Little Rascals is all grown up now, and he's an adult, who is very mature, which is so interesting, if you know what I mean."

So do you want to see more pics of this handsome 30-year-old man in the public eye? Fine!

Beardiest beard to ever beard in the whole beard world. #Beard#HashtagBeardpic.twitter.com/iGQ2xHC642

— Bug Hall (@Bug_Hall) July 17, 2014

How about a goofy one?

I'm thinking about using this as my new headshot... pic.twitter.com/aJ0I1dVklT

— Bug Hall (@Bug_Hall) January 16, 2015

And, to conclude, a meta one that really makes you think.

I guess weird stuff happened this morning. Here's another beard pic for you weirdos from buzzfeed ;] pic.twitter.com/TQtR2hzEdR

— Bug Hall (@Bug_Hall) July 13, 2015

Remember when you enjoyed things this much?

This video created a lot of controversy in our office this morning. Is it cute or weird? I maintained that the cuteness of the giraffe's reaction outweighs everything else, while my coworkers had nothing but questions about the woman. Who is she? Why is she there? Is she going to kill the giraffe after? Again, these were not my questions.

Related: 30 videos that prove every animal loves a belly rub.

Unfortunately, information about this video is scarce. The description is in Russian, and reads: "Жирафёнку чешут шею." Google translates that into English as "Zhirafёnku scratching his neck." But we already knew that.

What do you think? Is this just a cute baby animal video, or some dark Kubrickian fantasy? Email your answer to any other website.

Just when you think nothing can go wrong in the charmed life of Taylor Swift, her squad gets kidnapped by a rival girl posse. Just kidding. Her stage broke.

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 8, 2015 at 4:52pm PDT

At Taylor Swift's concert in D.C. last night, her extendable stage experienced a malfunction where, in technical terms, it completely stopped working. She used the moment to get candid with the crowd. According to E!, she announced:

"They just told me in my ear that I might be stuck up here forever. This thing is broken. I was just thinking about how I was singing a song about rain and it rained today...it's not that funny...We're just gonna have to rechoreograph the entire show. It's fine. Whatever. It's gonna be a unique show D.C.!"

I would say the rain anecdote is interesting more than funny, but I'm happy for any small glimpse into Taylor Swift's mind.

Apparently the stage thing got fixed pretty quickly, and in the meantime, Swift kept singing.

That moment when Taylor Swift's set breaks down

A video posted by @arlettesaenz on Jul 13, 2015 at 7:54pm PDT

I had two friends in the audience and I asked them if they had any reactions. One said via email, "My reaction to the malfunction was i didnt really get that it was a big deal." The other texted, "I couldn't see it but some of our friends said they saw it like wobble or bend or something?" Wow.

Also of note, Lorde was a surprise guest!

When your friend flies across the world to surprise your crowd with 'Royals' because she's a wondrous angel. @lordemusic
A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 13, 2015 at 11:04pm PDT

#Lorde at #taylorswift in DC. Amazing!!!!! pic.twitter.com/N01feTigMo
— Jennifer G. Dunn (@JenniferDunnWF) July 14, 2015

When you consider all the details, it's fair to conclude that this is one of the most extreme cases of FOMO I've ever experienced.