It’s so cold that I almost want to go to Florida.

November 13, 2013, 11:52 am

≫ Next: I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.

≪ Previous: I hope you don't take this early birthday card as an indication I think you might not make it.

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I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.

November 13, 2013, 5:01 pm

≫ Next: Just taking life one antidepressant at a time.

≪ Previous: It’s so cold that I almost want to go to Florida.

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Just taking life one antidepressant at a time.

November 14, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Congratulations on doing good enough work to get your boss promoted.

≪ Previous: I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.

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Congratulations on doing good enough work to get your boss promoted.

November 14, 2013, 7:30 am

≫ Next: My standards are dropping as quickly as the temperature.

≪ Previous: Just taking life one antidepressant at a time.

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My standards are dropping as quickly as the temperature.

November 14, 2013, 9:08 am

≫ Next: Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

≪ Previous: Congratulations on doing good enough work to get your boss promoted.

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Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

November 14, 2013, 10:50 am

≫ Next: It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

≪ Previous: My standards are dropping as quickly as the temperature.

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It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

November 14, 2013, 12:30 pm

≫ Next: I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

≪ Previous: Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

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I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

November 14, 2013, 12:47 pm

≫ Next: This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.

≪ Previous: It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

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This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.

November 14, 2013, 1:31 pm

≫ Next: I can't decide if you are fabulous in bed or if I just give really good directions.

≪ Previous: I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

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I can't decide if you are fabulous in bed or if I just give really good directions.

November 14, 2013, 4:54 pm

≫ Next: I'm not fat, I'm married.

≪ Previous: This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.

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I'm not fat, I'm married.

November 15, 2013, 5:04 am

≫ Next: I want you to know I'm secure enough in our relationship to not have to hide how fat I plan to get this holiday season.

≪ Previous: I can't decide if you are fabulous in bed or if I just give really good directions.

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I want you to know I'm secure enough in our relationship to not have to hide how fat I plan to get this holiday season.

November 15, 2013, 7:23 am

≫ Next: I'd love to do something with you this weekend within a one-block radius of my apartment.

≪ Previous: I'm not fat, I'm married.

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I'd love to do something with you this weekend within a one-block radius of my apartment.

November 15, 2013, 9:31 am

≫ Next: I'd love to get together this weekend to watch the TV shows I was planning to watch alone on my couch.

≪ Previous: I want you to know I'm secure enough in our relationship to not have to hide how fat I plan to get this holiday season.

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I'd love to get together this weekend to watch the TV shows I was planning to watch alone on my couch.

November 15, 2013, 10:39 am

≫ Next: I'm strongly considering apologizing to you soon.

≪ Previous: I'd love to do something with you this weekend within a one-block radius of my apartment.

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I'm strongly considering apologizing to you soon.

November 15, 2013, 12:01 pm

≫ Next: I could drink me under the table.

≪ Previous: I'd love to get together this weekend to watch the TV shows I was planning to watch alone on my couch.

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I could drink me under the table.

November 15, 2013, 1:15 pm

≫ Next: This week was five days too long.

≪ Previous: I'm strongly considering apologizing to you soon.

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This week was five days too long.

November 15, 2013, 4:20 pm

≫ Next: Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

≪ Previous: I could drink me under the table.

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Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

November 16, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

≪ Previous: This week was five days too long.

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I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

November 17, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Sorry that the worst day of the rest of your life is every Monday.

≪ Previous: Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

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Sorry that the worst day of the rest of your life is every Monday.

November 18, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: The morning is a success if I make it to lunch without eating my lunch.

≪ Previous: I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

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