A man in greater Glasgow, Scotland ran afoul of the law by invading a family's home. Well, only part of him invaded it.

The postman always rings twice. This guy was no postman.(stock photo)

We've all done things we regret while drunk, and many of those things involved penises. This guy, on the other hand, took it to a whole other level.

45-year-old Mariusz Wojcik was drinking heavily in Paisley, Scotland when he stumbled up to the house of a family he didn't know. He started kicking the door and shouting at the inhabitants, and nobody knows why. Even he doesn't, because he had blacked out.

Inside the house, a mother cowered in fear with her young daughter and niece. She called the police and her boyfriend for help. Her boyfriend got there first. He was able to get past Wojcik and into the house using his super-fast sober reflexes. Once inside, he barricaded the door, but Wojcik had one last trick up his sleeve. Or, more accurately, in his pants.

At that moment, the people in the house saw the mail slot open, and Wojcik's penis come through. That's right, he pulled the "special delivery."

He must not have read the sign.(stock photo)

At court, Wojcik admitted to behaving in an abusive manner, and pleaded guilty to resisting arrest and obstructing police. Through his lawyer, he said that he didn't remember the incident, but felt "deeply ashamed of his conduct." Sheriff Seith Ireland told him he narrowly avoided going to prison, adding, "Those inside this flat must have been terrified. This was quite atrocious conduct."

Wojcik was sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and will be supervised by social workers for a year. I'm not sure how much of a punishment that is. It seems like he likes interacting with the community, and he definitely enjoys being supervised. That's his thing.

Judd Apatow performed stand-up last night for the first time since he stopped at age 24.

Apatow's Tonight Show stand-up debut probably felt really scary now that he is extremely successful as a comedy filmmaker. Like, what if he wasn't funny? I'm just trying to reiterate what he was probably repeating to himself in the darkest depths of his mind. Is that helpful, Judd? Anyway, it doesn't surprise me that he is funny at stand-up. What does surprise me is how many voices he went for. He did an impression of Johnny Depp's kid, himself as a troll, and yes, Bill Cosby.

Jack Gleeson has commanded the land's finest bards and acting troupes to perform "The Bear And The Maiden Fair." Oh, I'm sorry, I read that wrong. Silly me. His play has a much more sensible name.

Our new art design for Bears In Space, designed by Jody Barker-Rockett. Coming to @projectarts and @FollowTheCow soon pic.twitter.com/AO4oEScbuq
— Collapsing Horse (@CollapsingHorse) June 16, 2014

Yes, that's right, Jack Gleeson, everyone's favorite (spoiler) dead psychotic boy monarch born of an incestuous union has started his own theater company after "retiring" from Hollywood and the success of Game of Thrones. The Irish theater company, Collapsing Horse, is launching its first play, Bears In Space. Here's the show's terrific description from the website of the theater playing it, the Soho theater in London:

The show centres around two cosmonaut bears on a spaceship hurtling toward the impossibly distant limits of the universe, and the villainous beings who chase them. Through their renowned puppetry, comic skills and music, one of Ireland's most exciting theatre companies, Collapsing Horse, consider the perils and wonders of a journey across space and time to nowhere. Join them on their ethereal adventure!

In other words, it's about (presumably Soviet) bears in space.

I was already on board before I knew there were puppets. Two tickets to London, please. (via Soho House)

On a related note, here is Gleeson and his Collapsing Horse buddies making some music for perhaps no reason, or perhaps a reason related to the show:

On an unrelated note, the idea of a bunch of Soviet bears in space is also good enough reason for me to post my favorite YouTube clip of all time, Tim Curry cracking up as he tries to say his lines from Red Alert 3:

Movies are a great way for humans to see some of our greatest fantasies played out in "real" life. And bad special effects are a great way to turn those grand human fantasies into absolute turd-burgers.

An example turd-burger, from RoboCop. (via YouTube)

For as long as there have been humans, there have been humans trying to cut corners. And biting off more than they can chew. And basically doing a whole bunch of things that result in crappy work being put out into the world. But perhaps no area of crapitude is so wonderful-yet-offensive as bad special effects in films. Even bad special effects cost a lot of money and require a lot of approvals from high-powered people, and still, they show up in your local movie theater (or on Netflix if they really turded the bed).

This new video from World Wide Interweb points out some of the most egregious bad-special-effects offenders. The video's an equal-opportunity pointer-outer, and the clips run the gamut from practical effects to green screen disasters to once again reminding George Lucas that it was a really, really bad idea to put a CG Jabba the Hutt in the Star Wars special edition.

"Where'd you get this guy?"

This footage of Robin Williams is from the early 1980's when YouTube poster Daniel Pastel claims he was working at a production company that was editing a segment for director Howard Storm. The segment was intended to be used as a promotional reel for Storm's work as a commercial director and, ironically, he could not control a very frenetic and improvisational Robin Williams.

You can hear Storm's desperate attempt to get Williams to deliver one clean take of the single line requested of him. "Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Storm is now directing commercials..." is the farthest we get before Williams' imagination runs wild.

"If he can work with me, he can work with anyone. Take a chance on a nice short Jewish man," Williams says in the clip.

"I'm proud to say it, Howard, because I love you that much."

April 8th, 2015:

Humans and shark are at peace. Belly rubs are plentiful.

If you haven't been keeping up with summer shark fear, or if you checked out after Shark Week, this timeline should catch you up on how we went from gently loving sharks to creatively endangering our lives in an effort to avoid them.

April 15th, 2015:

A shark does a backyard drive-by, testing the waters. Is this a warning or an invitation?

June 4th, 2015:

Sharknado 3 teaser released; tensions noticeably increase.

June 30th, 2015:

Video of an 11.5' Great White attacking a cage is released. Humans remember sharks are f-ing terrifying.

July 2nd, 2015:

A clear warning is issued by this wise woman. The ocean is the shark's house. Do not go in the shark's house.

July 6th, 2015:

In a moment of tone-deaf levity, a shark photobombs another shark.

July 9th, 2015:

MUTANT VOLCANO SHARKS DISCOVERED. NATION TREMBLES.

July 19th, 2015:

Surfer is attacked by bold shark on live TV, who resorts to punching the enemy right in the face. This hand-to-fin skirmish ends with man on top, shark underwater.

July 20th, 2015:

Brian Kilmeade of Fox and Friends suggests what any American would; that sharks get the hell out of our oceans.

July 21st, 2015:

Humans resort to swimming in homemade shark-proof cages...for their own safety.

We're halfway through summer. Peak hysteria has been reached. The sharks have won.

Here's the trailer for the newest Pixar film, 'The Good Dinosaur.'

When a good, cute dinosaur meets a small, adorable baby, they're both in for an adventure of a lifetime they'll never forget. Please note the background song by Of Monsters and Men and consider that this movie is cool and interesting for adults, too.

That's my plot summary for this movie based on only having seen the trailer. And I have to say, I'm in! The movie comes out on Thanksgiving, so maybe I'll go with my whole family and people of all ages will have a wonderful time for different reasons. You got me, Pixar. But I'm definitely not going to tag someone who changed my life with the hashtag #GoodDino, as the YouTube description suggests I do. That's where I draw the line.

Their new PR head is a hip twenty-something Salafi jihadist with a knack for social media.

Can we even count this as a victory? (via Getty)

Multiple Arabic language news outlets are reporting that ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has issued an order for all ISIS affiliates to tone down their beheading videos. According to the International Business Times:

Baghdadi has ordered ISIS militants to only show the initial slitting of the prisoner's throat and the final scene of the victim's head placed on the body, the Al-Quds al-Arabi daily has reported.

He's asking them to show the beheadings without the "beheading" beheading part, for fear that "Muslims [...] may regard the scenes as disgusting and scary to children."

I like how he says people may regard the beheadings as disgusting or scary, as if he's a college administrator worried that a campus comedy group's latest sketch might be interpreted as offensive. Also, is anyone on the fence about ISIS? Is anyone like, "You know, I used to be turned off by ISIS, but they started implying the beheadings instead of showing them, so now I'm totally on board!"?

As with all ISIS-related news, it's unclear exactly how authentic the report is, and it's being met with mixed reactions from different factions within the organization. Some see it as welcome sensitivity, while others think it will harm ISIS's abilities to intimidate Westerners. Let's just say that if this is an argument you're having, you're probably not a safe person to be around.

This tiny house is too adorable and too expensive for its own good.

For the record, I would totally live here.(via StreetEasy)

This house looks like it was picked up by a giant claw from a far-away prairie and dropped in the middle of Brooklyn. It's quaint and majestic and so much money. How can someone put a price on something so surreal and misplaced? How can that price be over a million dollars?

There are many reasons I want to live in this house, but here are the most important ones:

1. It is much larger than my current apartment.
2. Magical things happen inside it, probably.
3. It would mean I could afford a house for $1.25 million.
4. It has more than one window.
5. It's red!

Please just look at this house again:

Well, I guess it's time to figure out how to fall into a pile of money so I can go buy this house in Brooklyn ASAP.

From Blank on Blank, a series where forgotten interviews with celebrities are animated and preserved for the digital age.

Blank on Blank, as the name might suggest, is a podcast and webseries that updates old interviews with celebrities and thinkers (the first Blank) discussing a variety of topics (the second Blank). They originally uploaded this one in December of 2014, but it is making the rounds today since it's the late actor and comedian's birthday, and we're all thinking about Williams and how much we miss him. Right away, it's both fascinating and sad, as he's asked what he thinks the world will be like in 2020, when he would have been 70. Williams would have been 64 today. Although we all wish we could still get more hilarious routines from him, let's just be grateful that recordings like these survive, so we can always hear him discuss how stupid humans look when they orgasm.

Related: Here is footage of a young Robin Williams irritating a director by improvising way too much.

Related: Robin Williams' improvisation in 'Good Will Hunting' was so good, he made the camera shake.

Taylor Hatala and Larsen Thompson, a young dance duo called "Fraternal Twins," made an awesome video set to Beyoncé's "Run the World."

You know, when I was a tween, things were different. We had to film our synchronized dance viral videos using a cardboard box glued to a stick. Instead of performing to Beyoncé songs, we would wait for it to start raining so we could use the thunder as music. And as for getting more than 300,000 views in two days? Why, we would be thrilled if a few Beanie Babies and a pile of pebbles would be our audience. There is just so much pressure on today's young women to meet rigid standards of production quality. And these girls have a lot on their plates already! They run the world!

If you've got a better description for what these manatees are doing after you watch the whole video, let me know.

I love manatee videos. You've probably never thought of it as its own genre, but you probably don't spend enough time online. Much as the manatee's legs have turned to flippers and its body has transformed into a gelatinous floating hug-waiting-to-happen, I've spent enough time on the Internet that...well, that my body has pretty much done the same thing. When I first saw this, I thought I'd be able to finish this trilogy of awesome (in my own opinion) manatee headlines:

1) A gentle aquatic stampede of 300 manatees has booted swimmers out of a Florida wildlife park.

2) No one told this frantically screaming girl that manatees are literally the chillest animals.

But after reviewing the footage, all I can think about is how the manatees in the center are engaged in analingus. Well, at least one of them is, anyway. The one who has partially beached him/herself is just staring at the humans like, "Yeah, you like watching this, don't you?"

The one on the bottom is using its flippers to get a better grip...

You learn something new every day. Today I learned that manatees are perhaps too relaxed. Keep that stuff in the water, manatees. There are kids on that beach.

Yes, you can order off of McDonald's "secret menu." But you might be more disappointed in it than you were in the new Hamburglar.

"Don't tell them about the secret menu. Which maybe doesn't exist." (via)

We all like to think that we're cool, in-the-know people, which I think is why we like secret menus at fast food restaurants. It's like you're part of a hip, members-only hamburger club. So when a McDonald's manager from the UK did an AMA on Reddit recently and said that yes, McDonald's does have a secret menu, the Internet erupted with secret-hamburger fantasies. Unfortunately, the menu isn't as cool as you might think:

You can order from the 'Secret Menu'. Just like with any of our sandwiches, you can add, remove or change ingredients by special request. These are called 'grill orders' (i.e. Big Mac no pickle)

The items on the 'secret menu' weren't invented by anyone officially at McDonald's, it's just a random persons guide to burgers you could potentially 'hack' at McDonald's.

Order one and the workers might not know it by name (i.e. Land, Air and Sea burger or the McGangBang) but if you explain what it is, and are willing to pay for all the ingredients, it's just another 'grill order' that we can make up.

So, basically, ordering off the "secret" menu means that you're probably just going to be saying, "Hey, can you put a chicken patty and a fish patty on my burger?" instead of "Hey, gimmie a Land, Air, and Sea Burger." That's not really a secret menu, that's a substitution on your order. Either that, or asking for no lettuce is a secret menu item if you call it the Rabbit's Nightmare, even if the counter person has no idea what you're talking about.

Also, if you're curious about the named items above, this is a picture of the terribly named McGangbang, according to secret-menu site Hack the Menu:

A photo posted by HackTheMenu.com (@hack_themenu) on Oct 8, 2014 at 9:40am PDT

Why are cemeteries so crowded? Because people are always dying to get in! Plus other people are having weddings there now.

Fewer people are having traditional, expensive, body-in-casket funerals these days, because we've learned how to live forever because people are favoring less-expensive options like cremations and natural burials. This means that cash-strapped funeral homes and cemeteries are looking for other ways to make money, and according to The Associated Press, that's led to a growing trend of hosting weddings.

There are a whole bunch of reasons why this is working — "younger generations are growing up without the same stigma toward death," people are looking for non-church wedding venues, and perhaps most importantly, funeral homes can be a hell of a lot cheaper than a lot of other wedding spots. Check out this example from the AP article:

Peak rental rates for the Community Life Center approach $4,000.

That is less than half the average rate of $9,837 in Indiana, according to the wedding planning website TheKnot.com.

Many funeral homes have started building these "community center" buildings that are meant to host events beyond just funerals. The Community Life Center mentioned above actually also hosted a prom, where I'm sure at least 10 guys thought it would be funny to pretend to be a ghost and sneak up on people.

Everybody who the AP interviewed who had a wedding at a funeral home seemed to have really enjoyed the experience, which makes sense because they chose to have their wedding at a funeral home. Nobody said anything like, "I thought it meant fun-eral home. Like a fun home. I didn't know that dead people were in there sometimes!"

There are so many things I love about having weddings at funeral homes and cemeteries. First of all, it helps us remember that death is a natural part of life, and that places where we pay respect to our dead shouldn't be feared. Secondly, funeral homes and cemeteries are GOREOUS. Not all of them, of course. Some of them have the tacky look of your grandma's house circa 1986. But, for example, check out these images from Spring Grove Cemetery, which hosts weddings in Cincinnati:

I'd get married there, even if it was haunted.

Ever since this video came out in May, a puzzle that has bugged scientists since we started sending out radio signals has regained popularity online: when you think about how big the universe is, it's really weird that we haven't detected any aliens.

Aliens. On the one hand, anyone who says they've seen or met them is probably a liar or an idiot. On the other hand, mathematically speaking, the universe should be crawling with them. The universe is both big and old, meaning that life should have had plenty of time and chances to develop, advance, and spread across each galaxy. The fact that it hasn't, as far as we can see, either means we're alone (unlikely), most life goes extinct before then (depressingly likely), or there's a horrifying race of super-robots out there that will wipe us out once we're advanced enough (unlikely, but would make a pretty good video game series). This problem, also known as the Fermi Paradox, is the subject of the video above by animator and explainer Kurz Gesagt, and since debuting on May 6, it's sparked a smallrenaissance on the topic.

Here's Gesagt's follow-up video with possible solutions to the paradox:

If you'd like to read a super in-depth explainer of the paradox and all the possible solutions to it, check out Wait But Why's opus on the topic.

Basically, it comes down to the Great Filter: whether it's nuclear weapons or some other extinction-causing factor, something seems to be preventing life from advancing to the level of technology necessary to spread across a galaxy. Either that, or advanced civilizations all prefer to download their brains and live eternally in a digital world (where, because processing speeds would be so fast, you could theoretically experience eons of time while only seconds pass in the real world). It's some pretty esoteric stuff, but science is really working on it. We've recently been trying to measure stars and galaxies for excess heat, which could be signals that massive civilizations are harnessing their home stars for energy:

Wondering about this dates back to before the 20th Century—War of the Worlds was written in 1897, and H.G. Wells probably got the idea when Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli thought that he saw canals dug across the surface of Mars in 1877, which he presumed to be irrigation works by a highly advanced civilization. But with the advent of radio signals, flight, and rockets, the question became one of serious scientific merit—which is when Enrico Fermi, after discussing the topic with his fellow physicists at Los Alamos National Laboratory, formulated the paradox in 1950. This most recent burst of interest in the topic is just the latest round of humanity's hand-wringing over why we're alone, but if you were wondering why everyone is talking about it all of a sudden, at least now you're not alone.

Nicki Minaj's record-breaking, meme-generating video "Anaconda" did not get nominated for "Video of the Year" in "MTV's Video Music Awards." So she tweeted this:

If I was a different "kind" of artist, Anaconda would be nominated for best choreo and vid of the year as well.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

Okay, so only five videos can get nominated and a lot of artists don't make it into that category. Minaj's video was nominated for "Best Female Video" and "Best Hip Hop Video." So who made it into the "Best Video Ever Period Amen" category? Um, "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift.

If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

Personally, I'd be more pissed about Ed Sheeran's "Thinking Out Loud" making it in, because that song is a doo-doo sandwich, but I can see her point. "Bad Blood" is a parade of Hollywood's skinniest, whitest, most normative squad, with perhaps the exception of Lena Dunham, who was basically dressed in drag and sat behind a desk while everyone else slow-mowed in six inch heels.

Taylor wasn't gonna let that rest.

@NICKIMINAJ I've done nothing but love & support you. It's unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 21, 2015

Um um um HOLD UP! Nicki Minaj is talking about double standards for women's bodies, specifically white women's and black women's bodies, in the entertainment industry. Whether or not you think those double standards exist, it's not about you, Taylor.

Minaj Fired back:

Huh? U must not be reading my tweets. Didn't say a word about u. I love u just as much. But u should speak on this. @taylorswift13
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

Minaj also started retweeting fans who were picking up what she was laying down:

@taylorswift13 I'm still confused as to why u just tweeted me when I made it abundantly clear... pic.twitter.com/A5kJyi6fQC
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

I'm baffled as to WHY @taylorswift13 felt the need to come at @NickiMinaj for speaking on behalf of unsung black female entertainers..
— Elgin Charles (@ElginCharles) July 21, 2015

nicki was making valid points about the history of racism in the music industry, taylor should be standing by her not making it about her
— becca (@margaerytyreII) July 21, 2015

Taylor Swift tried to patch things up, maybe realizing she was creating a lot of bad blood of her own:

@NICKIMINAJ If I win, please come up with me!! You're invited to any stage I'm ever on.
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 21, 2015

Wow. How...nice.

Nicki just retweeted this:

.@taylorswift13 stop using "support all girls" as an excuse to not be critical of racist media that benefits and glorifies you
— berenice (@itsbereniced) July 21, 2015

Then added:

I'm so glad u guys get to see how this stuff works. Taylor took her music off spotify and was applauded. We launched Tidal & were dragged.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 21, 2015

There was one other female artist nominated in the "Video of the Year" category, and it was Beyoncé. So, Kim Kardashian threw this tweet into the ring, which she has since deleted:

Oh yeah, your husband is in love with Beyoncé, haha.(via @KimKardashian)

Followed by:

Wait wait I'm in Paris it's the middle of the night & I'm posting my Vogue Spain pics not having a clue what's going on in the music world
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 21, 2015

I'm not trying to shade anyone! That's not my style! I just thought that caption was perfect for that pic! Changing the caption now! #ironic
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 21, 2015

Mm-hmm.

Okay, looks like Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift are going to be spending the next few days brainstorming the perfect music video to encapsulate this Twitter feud. And Kim Kardashian will have a little cameo getting run over by a bus, à la Mean Girls.