This man who grew up in a village in Zimbabwe isn't shedding tears over Cecil the Lion.

Because lions are scary, you dopes. (via Wild CRU)

In an op-ed in the New York Times today titled "In Zimbabwe, We Don't Cry For Lions," Zimbabwean Goodwell Nzou—a doctoral candidate in molecular and cellular biosciences at Wake Forest University—confessed that he thinks killing lions ain't such a bad thing.

Nzou, who grew up in a village in Zimbabwe, says that with the outrage surrounding the killing of Cecil the Lion by a Minnesota dentist, he has "faced the starkest cultural contradiction I'd experienced during my five years studying in the United States."

Here's the money quote:

In my village in Zimbabwe, surrounded by wildlife conservation areas, no lion has ever been beloved, or granted an affectionate nickname. They are objects of terror.

Wait, what? Lions are...bad? Okay, sure, sometimes lions kill people, but that's only because they're misunderstood, right? According to Nzou, lions can terrorize villagers. When a lion that had been living near his village was finally killed:

No one cared whether its murderer was a local person or a white trophy hunter, whether it was poached or killed legally. We danced and sang about the vanquishing of the fearsome beast and our escape from serious harm.

More recently, a lion killed a 14-year-old boy in a village near Nzou's hometown. Okay, but Cecil was a special, protected lion. Are we really wrong to be outraged? Or are things, as Nzou suggests, just getting a little out of hand?

PETA is calling for the hunter to be hanged. Zimbabwean politicians are accusing the United States of staging Cecil's killing as a “ploy” to make our country look bad. And Americans who can't find Zimbabwe on a map are applauding the nation's demand for the extradition of the dentist, unaware that a baby elephant was reportedly slaughtered for our president's most recent birthday banquet.

We Zimbabweans are left shaking our heads, wondering why Americans care more about African animals than about African people.

Hey, not cool, Goodwell. We totally care about African people, provided those people are facing consequences for letting rich Americans poach protected wild cats. The rest of you guys, we haven't really given much thought.

From a Florida rainstorm emerges a master of physical comedy unseen since the days of Chaplin and Keaton.

There was a pretty bad rainstorm in Florida earlier this week, bad enough that it made the news in a state that's used to massive amounts of rain. It's also a state that's used to videos of people doing dumb things. So when a clip of someone doing something dumb in the rain reaches escape velocity from Florida, that's impressive. That's what happened to the footage of this hero, who bravely sacrificed his own dignity so we could all have a chuckle at his almost-slow-motion faceplant. Then, he rode off into the sunset grey, miserable afternoon, never to be seen again.

Thanks, hero.

1.

Sometimes things are in the first place you look.(via r/Tinder)

The arms race between pick-up lines and comebacks has reached a fever pitch on Tinder. Here are the most clever, snappy, and hilarious comebacks from Tinder users who deserve to find true love.

2.

I love a woman with a solid five-year plan.(via BroBible)

3.

She was a bot and wasn't programmed to appreciate the humor.(via r/Tinder)

4.

Jesus wept.(via r/Tinder)

5.

The only Tough Mudder no one will brag about on Facebook.(via r/Tinder)

6.

Sometimes dumb pick-up lines work on clever girls.(via r/Tinder)

7.

The guy knows his failed pickups.(via r/Tinder)

8.

Not everyone likes a well-versed man.(via r/Tinder)

9.

WILSOOOOOOOON!(via r/Tinder)

10.

The price dropped and demand plummeted.(via r/Tinder)

11.

So I guess he can last a while?(via r/Tinder)

12.

The most bitter vegetable.(viar/Tinder)

13.

Think about baseball while you're messaging and it'll last longer.(viar/Tinder)

14.

He's probably used to getting stomped.(via imgur)

15.

I guess it depends on which organ. (via imgur)

16.

They're developing nicely. (via r/Tinder)

17.

I'm surprised he managed to spell that.(via r/Tinder)

18.

I hope he found a nice boy.(via imgur)

19.

Oh, he did.(via Tinder Winners)

20.

He's got his own built-in '90s sitcom studio audience. (via r/Tinder)

21.

At least he's honest.(via r/Tinder)

22.

So cold.(via r/Tinder)

23.

That's 80% of life.(via r/Tinder)

24.

It better not be dressed as a clown.(via imgur)

25.

r/ejected.(via r/Tinder)

26.

Guess a magnifying glass wouldn't do the trick.(via r/Tinder)

27.

Who knew the appendix could be a sex organ? (via r/Tinder)

28.

Poetic and prophetic. (via Imgur)

29.

She's the butt of her own joke. (via r/Tinder)

30.

She might be more pleasant if she got more fiber. (via r/Tinder)

31.

The man knows his guitars. (via Imgur)

32.

And on the third day, she responded "no thanks." (via Imgur)

33.

Not bad for a scruffy-looking nerf-herder. (via r/Tinder)

34.

Guess they won't be forking any time soon. (via BuzzFeed)

35.

Unless this is Kim Jong-Un, you're out of luck. (via BuzzFeed)

36.

Don't Tinder and drive.

37.

I hope she makes love to him as tenderly as she writes. (via Imgur)

38.

Now to find out why Dad left. (via BuzzFeed)

39.

That's silly, newborns aren't even allowed on Tinder. (via BuzzFeed)

40.

Dead grandparents are a great aphrodisiac. (via r/Tinder)

41.

"If it's cold out." (via BuzzFeed)

42.

Don't date her, she's an upsexy enabler! (via r/Tinder)

43.

The one thing they don't have in common. (via BuzzFeed)

44.

Only seven? (via BuzzFeed)

If these were what posts from new parents were like on my newsfeed, I'd never click "unfollow."

1.

Never have I wanted to eat a baby quite this much.(via Lamebook)

There are plenty of parents who just post the cute stuff (or at least, the stuff they think is cute), but anyone who has been around a kid for more than 10 seconds knows there's plenty of weird, gross, funny, and frustrating moments in a parent's life. My hat is off to moms and dads who aren't afraid to share stuff on social media that's actually amusing. And also, to burn their kids pretty bad on Facebook.

2.

That's what you get for naming a kid after a felony. (via Reasons My Son is Crying)

3.

Start them reading young.(via STFU Parents)

4.

I bet it was that Arson kid from down the street.(via STFU Parents)

5.

And he grew up to be a congressman.(via Lamebook)

6.

Much more effective than the rhythm method.(via Lamebook)

7.

Everything IS better under the sea!(via STFU Parents)

8.

Ur dad really knows how to break u down.(via Lamebook)

9.

Mom and Dad are the real tag team here.(via Lamebook)

10.

That was close.(via Lamebook)

11.

The men are ready to "defend" their house. (via STFU Parents)

12.

Maybe delete this post and try again.(via Lamebook)

13.

May the world someday be at peace so we can hear ourselves think, for crying out loud.(via Lamebook)

Related: A list of the most obnoxious posts by moms who want to tell you how to mom.

It's actually surprisingly informative.

They also tell you what to do if a penis melts in the heat. (via YouTube/Simple Pickup)

The kinda-progressive-but-also-kinda-skeezy pick-up site Simple Pickup posted a video today in which seasoned blow-job veterans (a.k.a. porn stars) use popsicles to teach everyday women how to perform fellatio. They get pretty creative with their exercises, giving advice such as "make love to the cock in your mouth" and "act like a clown at a carnival game." I wonder if they'll release a follow-up video in the future, in which male porn stars give advice on cunnilingus. It'll be hard to find a food object to use for demonstration, though; there just aren't as many food analogues to penises as there are for vaginas. I know, right? It's a sad world where it's 2015 and we're still living in a society with so few vagina-shaped foods. Wake up, people.

If you could've starred in a 90s herpes-medicine ad because you're involved in an inexplicable amount of outdoor fun, you'll love this naturally-occurring waterslide. Otherwise, just watch.

I realize I'm a blogger, and thus officially among Earth's least physically-active inhabitants, but good God, who is having this much fun?! This looks exhausting! Plus, I'd probably be too worried about getting minor bruises or even a little scrapey-wapey on my bum bum to try out this Canadian waterslide created through millions of years of erosion by nature for use in Mountain Dew commercials. Nevertheless, it's pretty badass.

A tongue-in-cheek flyer posted by the Franklin County Sheriff's Office has gone viral on Facebook.

Snitches may get stitches, but form-filler-outers get an improved marketplace position. (via Facebook)

The Drug War isn't exactly what it used to be, but that doesn't mean both sides aren't constantly introducing innovative new tactics to get an edge. Cops have already embraced social media as a way to mock and demoralize criminals, but now it seems they've discovered a new use for it: contrived Looney Tunes-esque entrapment plots like this fake flyer.

Related: A woman tweeted that she wanted weed. The cops got back to her.

This image was posted by Pat Melton, the sheriff of Franklin Country, Kentucky. He got the idea from a similar post by The McIntosh County Sheriff's Office in Georgia. He thought it was so funny, he posted it on his own office's Facebook page, where it quickly went viral. It currently has more than 2,000 shares, although there's no way to count how many of those are from drug dealers.

Related: This guy's excuse for having weed was so lame, the cops were forced to mock him on Facebook.

It's funny to imagine drug dealers actually finking on each other after reading the flyer, but I think that's where the joke would end. Drugs are still illegal (even weed – for now), and it seems like our prisons will never run out of room. If it takes memes to keep on filling them, I guess memes it'll be.

Related: A crocodile crossed the street in Manhattan. The NYPD had too much fun on Twitter.

This image will leave you with more questions than answers.

Dildos whose time on this earth is through.(via Imgur)

This precious image of tons of discarded fake dicks was taken by a "friend" of Redditor user tracygav. It was uploaded with the informative caption "My friend owns a metal recycling plant. This huge load came in today." So we know they are in fact metal, and they will soon be turned into cans full of penis-shrinking energy drinks.

First of all, they make METAL DILDOS? Or are they dildo molds? (Yes, they are probably dildo molds). But how do they get the dildos out of the molds? Did a robot sex shop go bankrupt? Are they from the future or the past? Why are they covered in paint? How are they not being used for an art project? I would really like to incorporate these into an art project. I'm sorry if this image leaves you wondering "what is really going on here?!?" I guess this is just one of life's great mysteries.

This audio recording documents an actual call made to the UK's 999 emergency number.

If there's one thing we love more than pointless emergency calls, it's pointless emergency calls that feature entertaining accents. And this one is the full package.

Related: Family calls 911 after irate cat traps them in bedroom.

It all started when an ornery, ill-tempered man from Northern England found out his girlfriend had let the cat eat his bacon. He saw only one option — contacting the authorities. What followed was the grumbliest, funniest emergency call we've ever heard, made all the better because you don't root for the guy at all. The cat should eat all his bacon forever.

Related: Woman calls 911 to complain about bad Chinese food.

In the end, the funniest part is how easily he gives up. He just concedes defeat with a resigned tone in his voice the second the irritated operator tells him there's been no crime. I guess he just needed someone to vent to, and he didn't have anyone else. The only two people he trusted were his girlfriend and the cat, and they'd just betrayed him.

A NASA camera was trying to monitor the solar winds around the Earth, when BOOM—there's that prankster, the Moon, getting in the way and ruining the shot. But wait: The image provides a rare glimpse of the dark side of the Moon.

Pink Floyd rulez! (Via NASA.gov)

The Deep Space Climate Observatory satellite (or DSCOVR, get it?) was about a million miles away from Earth last July, taking photos to help monitor solar winds for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. It was not supposed to capture this image of the moon moving across the sunlit side of Earth. What's so scientifically awesome about this is that it shows us what the dark side of the Moon looks like.

You see, the Earth holds the Moon in place with gravity of such force that we always see the same side. The other side, the dark side, is never visible from Earth. It's only visible if you manage to get a picture of it from way, way outside, like this NASA camera did.

The photo was taken with a telescope hooked up to DSCOVR's Earth Polychromatic Imaging Camera (or EPIC, get it?). That camera, which took this astounding, historical image, boasts just 4 megapixels, which is less than you've got on your smartphone.

I've categorized the different types of reactions to my weird name and which of those types I'll invite to my wedding. Or funeral. Whichever comes first.

No, it's not "Amy." Yes, that is an awesome shirt.(via My Actual Wardrobe)

My name is pronounced eh-MAY, the emphasis on the second syllable, which is not how most American-English names work. Try it. SARah. JANet. LAURa. meLISsa. In the wonderful melting pot that is America, it's not an uncommon problem to have a name that looks one way phonetically, but is different spoken aloud. Yet it still really seems to mind-freak everyone.

Because my name deviates from the norm, I'm never mad at people for mispronouncing it. It's when I correct them that things can get dicey. I've literally had this conversation hundreds of times, and at this point I can tell what kind of person someone is, and whether I'd like to be their bud, by how they react to making a simple mistake.

Here are the most common responses to me correcting how people pronounce my name and a rating for how likely I am to be friends with that kind of person:

1. "Oh, it looks like Amy. Sorry about that!"

7/10 Would Be Friends: This is a reasonable response. While it's a bit of a passive-aggressive nudge to remind me my name doesn't look like how it's pronounced, they get over it and move on quickly. Life needs to be lived!

2. "Don't you mean 'Amy'?"

0/10 Would NOT Be Friends: Red alert! Red alert! Do you think I will fold under questioning, Sherlock? "Yes, you're right! I've fooled literally hundreds of people for years and no one ever, ever asked if I actually meant to pronounce my name completely differently than I just did two seconds ago. If they had, I would have admitted my malicious deceit. Thank you for freeing me from this web of lies!"

3. "I'm so sorry. It looks like 'Amy' and I have a friend/aunt/co-worker/doctor/waitress who spells it like that and pronounces it 'Amy.' I also have a cousin/elderly-shut-in-neighbor/dog who pronounces it like you do, but they spell it Eemieeassyuayztztztz, so I'm used to thinking of that pronunciation with that spelling so it didn't even occur to me that it was that. That's so interesting."

5/10 Would Be Friends: Over-explainers can go either way. Either they're well-meaning and sweet, but kind of embarrassed and want to make up for it, or they're crazy defensive and blame you for the lack of life experience that led to them making an error in public.

4. "Where is that from?"

2-7/10 Would Be Friends: Tone is important here. Some people are genuinely curious. Some are xenophobic and awful. Since I'm white, I have the privilege of knowing people probably aren't asking me this in the racially charged way that they might ask someone they suspect is "not from here."

I always answer that it's French. They ask, "Are you French?" and I say: no. They ask, "Are your parents French?" with a condescending smile on their face. "No," I respond, "They're just pretentious!" They laugh, thinking we've connected. I put them in my Burn Book.

5. "I'm gonna call you Amy anyway."

No rating, because I murdered them.

6. "Oh. That's pretty!"

9/10 Would Be Friends: Being able to give a compliment is a nice quality. Also, no need to apologize for something that isn't really your fault! This is the kind of person who finds a positive even in a moment of doubt.

7. "Bien sûr, of course it is eh-MAY, I just assumed because you're American...you know."

10/10 Would Be Friends: Anyone who pronounces my name correctly from the get-go, or stops to ask before they say it, is probably an educated and considerate person. Or they're just as pretentious as my entire family! Hurray! This type of person is probably too cool to be friends with me.

Conclusion

While this list has been specific to my name, I'm sure plenty of people go through something similar every goddamned day. So, the next time you mispronounce someone's name, try not to get angry with them about it. They weren't trying to trick you.

(all gifs via Giphy)

The human capacity for perversion is matched by the human capacity for invention.

Anything can be genitals if you just believe. (via Thinkstock)

We're living in sexually frustrated times. We use apps because we've given up on meeting people spontaneously, all our friends are either single and lonely or completely immersed in long-term relationships, and people have resorted to desperate measures to keep their libidos in check. You can either accept it and resign yourself to the malaise that is modern American sexuality, or you can take a risk and welcome a new type of lover: inanimate objects. Let's all take a moment to honor those brave souls who wouldn't let their social, moral, and logical faculties get in the way of their desire.

1. A laundry basket.

Fresh towels get me excited, but not that excited. (via Oprah)

A few years back, a woman on In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura (the OWN network show about a sex counselor) opened up about chronically humping the corner of her laundry basket, a habit she developed in college. She finds it so pleasurable, in fact, that she prefers it to having sex with her husband. Poor guy.

2. A jar of pasta sauce.

Why do you have to defile the one thing I hold dearest? (via Thinkstock)

A man in Australia was not only caught making love to a pasta jar in public, but he also led the police on a car chase until they apprehended him, with the jar still on his penis. According to the arrest report, he was found with "pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier." Poor doggy.

3. A vacuum cleaner.

British people have such quirky cleaning habits. (via Henry Hoover)

A Polish building contractor was caught red-handed pleasuring himself with a Henry Hoover vacuum cleaner. In his defense, Henry Hoovers have a face on them, and they're kinda cute. I mean like, for a vacuum cleaner, of course.

4. A teddy bear.

Build-a-Bear is teaming up with Fleshlight. (via Thinkstock)

A man in Cincinatti has been arrested four times for publicly getting it on with a teddy bear. I wonder where he got his inspiration?

5. A pinecone.

Ouch. (via Wikimedia Commons)

In an attempt to get closer to nature, a Serbian woman stuck a pinecone in her vagina, then had to undergo surgery to get it removed.

6. A traffic cone.

He boned a cone. (via Wikimedia Commons)

An Edinburgh man was having sex with a traffic cone by the side of the road for quite some time while passerby yelled encouragement at him. That's perverted, not to mention a road hazard.

7. A shoe.

That same guy had sex with a shoe a few years earlier.

8. A Hot Pocket.

Pepperoni pizza is way more f*ckable than BBQ chicken. (via Wikimedia Commons)

Some guy asked for 420 retweets in exchange for making a Vine of himself f*cking a Hot Pocket. He got the retweets and followed through with his end of the bargain, but the footage was deleted (thank god, since I find it disgusting but probably would've watched it anyways because I'm a slave to content!!!).

9. A box of Pop Tarts.

He has the only documented microwavable pastry fetish. (via Wikimedia Commons)

That same guy also copulated with a box of Pop Tarts. I guess objectophilia has a high recidivism rate.

10. A mailbox.

17734 was never the same after that day. (via Thinkstock)

Tampering with mail is a felony, as is public indecency. This dude had sex with a mailbox, and was then found dead shorty after. I'm speculating that it was a hit ordered by the post office.

11. A bush.

Is this a fetish or a form of self-inflicted punishment? (via Wikimedia Commons)

An 81-year-old man in Connecticut was caught having sex with a bush. After his neighbor called him out, he covered himself with a grill pan and went inside, where I presume he started getting freaky with the grill pan.

12. A picnic table.

Did he wear a cloth for protection? (via Thinkstock)

A 40-year-old Ohio man was caught having sex with the hole in a picnic table where you put an umbrella. It's truly sad, as I'm sure he'll never be invited to a picnic again.

13. A bicycle.

I'm not going to ask exactly how he did it. (via Wikimedia Commons)

A British man got turnt AF and got it on with a bicycle. The sheriff referred to him as a "cycle-sexualist" in his report. Nice one, big guy.

14. A car

Dude, I think that Hyundai is making eyes at you. (via Thinkstock)

Edward Smith of Washington state claims to have had sex with over 1,000 cars, including the car from the TV show Airwolf. Maybe one day he'll end his days as a bachelor and settle down with just one nice car.

15. A lamppost.

Even the pigeons were freaked out, and they're into some weird shit.
(via Wikimedia Commons)

He claims that he was "cleaning his underpants," but we all know that's the oldest excuse in the book.

This is what happens when your order the "floor burger."

This video, appropriately titled "Nasty ass Checkers," depicts a line cook in Checkers throwing a hamburger bun on the floor and rubbing it on the tiles to really get the dirt on the bread before picking it back up. Then she assembles the sandwich. Here's what could be going on:

a. The sandwich is either for her boss who gives her an unbearable schedule, or the owner of the Checkers franchise who pays her an unlivable wage.

b. The sandwich was in fact for a customer, and the woman in the video hates her job and wants to be fired.

c. This was a stunt for the Internet!

Ideally, this was an attempt at a viral video, because the other two options are gross and make me sad. She tries to stop the person from filming at the end of the clip, which I really hope is just good acting to make the whole thing seem more legit.

Ah, the first weeks away from home, when kids learn valuable skills like tying knots and how to hand-write threats to their parents.

I'm going to murder all of you. Well, just mom. Luv ya, bye!
(via redditor ForeverClumsy)

I'm not really afraid that this girl hates camp, because according to my folks, I complained in every single letter I wrote home until suddenly I realized I was having fun and then stopped writing them altogether. Then I did it again the following summer. I will say, though, that I'm impressed with all the different ways she knows to get at her parents' heartstrings: threats of violence, guilt tripping, throwing things they said earlier back, and finally the rarest of all childhood tactics, financial responsibility. I'll bet you 700 bucks, though, that in a few weeks, she'll ask them whether they can send her for longer next year.

Brad Nagel, an Iowa local, is a "Senior Political Advisor" for Trump's presidential exploratory committee in Iowa.

I have a feeling Trump hired him because of the memes. (via The Daily Beast)

Nagel was most likely hired since Iowa is a swing state and Trump needs as much support and expertise as he can get in there. The Daily Beast did a bit of investigative work into Nagel's past and found a bunch of racist memes he posted from the 2012 election. Now, I'm not usually in support of publicly shaming someone for some old posts they did, since these instances of public shaming often don't factor in circumstance or context. But the memes Nagel posted are pretty damn egregious for a grown man working for a presidential candidate whose campaign run is going from a punchline to a reality. They're part of that far-right, hate-mongering, conspiracy-theory mode of thinking, and also just plain inaccurate. First off, there are the Obama Hitler comparisons:

Bro, ever heard of Godwin's law? (via The Daily Beast)

Are you photoshopping in Windows 98? (via The Daily Beast)

They would actually be hilarious if they weren't so terrible. They read like parodies of the kind of stuff loonies posted Internet forums. Unfortunately, it seems like Nagel dead earnest with his posting of them.

They'd probably laugh at you for making an inaccurate comparison.
(via The Daily Beast)

What does that even mean? (via The Daily Beast)

It's surprising, but not that surprising when you consider Trump'strackrecord when talking about race and ethnicity. Whatever happened to the old days, where Trump was that crazy guy who just said crazy shit, and not an actual political reality?

"I can do anything. I am invincible. I would like this bed."

"You are in the way of my self-actualization and nap-naps. Begone!"

The next time you think a career move is impossible, or the next time you see someone way "out of your league" across the bar, or the next time you see a comfy bed being occupied by a carnivore many times your size, remember this baby.

This baby is what life is like before you learn to be afraid.

Also, Great Danes are very nice, gentle, and patient dogs.

Related: This Great Dane is never going to fit into his tiny bed, but not for lack of trying.