RIP everything John Cusack ever tried in a movie.

The times, they are a-changing, as some old guy once said. Courtship is going down the tubes with the Tinders and the OKCupids, and every year, movies about how people used to fall in love become less and less relevant. Here are some movie tropes that, although not that old, are completely irrelevant now thanks to technology.

1. Standing in the rain to call someone on a payphone.

Everyone has a cell phone. A cell phone they barely use as a phone. So, if you could text someone about your love life without even leaving your bed, that's probably the better option now. The payphone in the rain is dead.

2. Running through the airport to see someone.

We're told that there was a time in the history of flight when you didn't have to go through security. That any old clown could just walk over to a plane and confess his or her love for someone. Frankly, we're a little skeptical this would still happen even without the War on Terror and those scanners that let TSA drones look at your junk. Has anyone actually been so in love that they would go to the airport and even pay to park? Remember that texting from your bed is an option now. We think not.

3. Making a mixtape for someone.

A long time ago there were these things called tapes. They were like CDs but- what's that? What's a CD? You know! A CD. Picture a huge iPod or iPhone but it only played one band at a time. That's what a Discman was. Anyway, before those were even around, you could put a a bunch of different love songs together on a tape, write a person's name on it, and give it to him or her and they were contractually obligated to at least talk to you according to movies. Now, people don't even make mixes for each other. Spotify or iTunes makes a mix for you and knows exactly how you're feeling. Then you think about how cool that technology is instead of thinking about another human.

4. Finding out suddenly about someone's wedding, interrupting it.

Thanks to Facebook, you will now be notified the very second someone gets engaged, and you can try to ruin that engagement from the comfort of your own couch through Facebook Messenger. You barely have to try!

5. Cooking for someone when you don't know anything about cooking.

Oh no! Whatever will I do? A man is coming to my house and I've never cooked! It's called Seamless. You use it every damn day, so why should your weird date night be any different? Save some time and energy and just double an old order.

6. Hoping your anonymous pen pal is as handsome as Jimmy Stewart.

We're all savvy enough with social media to trace a man's digital footprint, and it mostly seems to lead to his parent's basement. People who have the time to trade romantic emails back and forth all day but never want to meet are never going to be Jimmy Stewart from The Shop Around the Corner (or even the slightly more modern Tom Hanks from You've Got Mail). They're the people who won't even go to a bar to not make eye contact with you.

7. Seeing someone naked for the first time (because dick pics).

You know those scenes where it's finally going to happen? The two protagonists are in a room together, slowly and agonizingly stripping each other down to their birthday suits? They gasp, they're amazed, excited! Well, forget it. Nothing is left to the imagination anymore, because you have almost certainly received an unsolicited cock shot from your beloved before the consummation of your union. You know what you're gonna get; or pass on...

8. Misplacing letters to account for why you never reconnected with a lost love.

"Why didn't you ever reach out to me?" can no longer be answered with, "I wrote you. Didn't you get my letters?" The modern equivalent is, "Oh, I didn't see your text. Already home." Which we all know is bullshit. They saw your damn text.

9. Using "I'm new here," as a reason why someone should take you out on the town.

You might actually be new here, and friendless, but it's pretty hard to use needing a tour guide as a reason to ask someone out. You've got Yelp! And Google Maps. And Wanderlist. And blogs up the wazoo. You can get recommendations on social media, because everyone is connected to everyone somewhere. At this point, if you ask a hottie for recommendations, they'll suggest a smart phone. 

10. AND FINALLY: Getting to know someone slowly over time.

Inefficiency. Beautiful, romantic inefficiency. It used to stretch out all the human interactions we've gotten so adept at avoiding. Technology, the Internet, social media, etc., all give us the feeling we can know a person in an instant. In many cases, it's probably a good thing to find out up top that the cutie in the next cubicle is an anti-vaxxer. But sometimes, only experience can give us the real answers about who will be there for us when things are rough. So slow down, put away your phone and make eye contact. They'll probably think you're a creep, but it's worth a shot.

All images via Giphy.

Okay, it was Lake Powell, but that's the fish's home!

According to the YouTube vid, this unfortunate young man is an employee of a store called Boater's Outlet who was on a very chill vacation at Lake Powell, Utah, when this nipple chomping incident took place. Everyone involved is doing swimmingly.

Wow, they must have a very friendly employee-employer relationship to be sending this kind of video around! Maybe it's from working with all the boats? Water? Fish in water sucking nipples? It's definitely boat related. Anyway, lesson learned: if you get into a body of water, wear a bra.

This photo is really cool. Suspiciously cool, even?

Sure, we've all seen lightning. And if we're lucky, we've caught a glimpse of a rainbow on occasion. But both at the same time? Next to a cactus? Get ready for the conspiracy theories to start flying. You heard it here first: Someecards is starting a rumor that this picture is photoshopped, based on nothing other than our will to cause mischief and shake up the lightning-rainbow establishment.

The image was shared on Facebook by Greg McCown, a photographer who actually has taken a ton of cool lightning pics. He wrote, "After years of trying I finally got my lightning and rainbow picture." That does make the photo seem legit. I mean, if you've spent years working hard in pursuit of an elusive lightning rainbow picture, it would make sense if eventually you accomplished your dream. On a related note, maybe I should be setting more awesome goals.

Miraculously, the worst injury to come from this disaster was a broken leg. Even more miraculously, it was caught on tape.

If, like me, you're not into amusement park thrill rides, this video may scare the crap out of you. If you do like thrill rides, this video might convince you that I'm right. Those things are all death traps.

Related: Best friends have the most adorable freakout in amusement park history.

This nauseating clip comes from Luna Park in Cap d'Agne, on the southern coast of France. A young couple was taking off in the Fifth Element slingshot ride when one of the elastic cables suddenly snapped, leaving them dangling against a support tower. A 24-year-old woman suffered a broken leg, while her male companion only had a few bruises. The two were suspended in the air for an hour before firefighters could get them down. All in all, not a great day at the park.

Related: This amusement park ride is geometrically beautiful and terrifying as hell.

Luna Park staff blamed the accident on a "manufacturing defect" in the elastic, and claimed that this kind of malfunction had never happened before (I'd certainly hope not.) An investigation has been launched. Here's the carnage from another angle:

Stay inside, kids. There's nothing for you out there but pain.

Related: A theme park for people who don't like being outside or riding any rides.

Facebook blocked an app that allowed to users to see who has un-friended them, but not before this guy could make a video about it.

Zach Kornfeld of Buzzfeed Video used the app to track down four former Facebook friends who had just un-friended him. One of them blocked him immediately, and another didn't want to appear in the video, but two of them agreed to talk with him over video chat. It's magnificently awkward. They're pretty upfront about why they de-friended him, and overall, the video offers a great look at how people drift apart over social media. 

It also offers a great look at what being 15 on the Internet is like:

I feel like I'm treading on dangerous ground here, but there's a pattern in these words that can't be denied.

There are certain words that just make you cringe. Mine is "stickers," but that's personal. Other words are more universally loathed, either because of how they sound or what they represent. In the interest of educating their customer base, underwear maker Knix Wear conducted a study to find the words that women hate the most. With the help of University of Pennsylvania linguist Mark Liberman, they surveyed 500 women to find out their most hated words. Speaking as a man, their results made me understand women even less than I do now.

Here are the top 6 words in ascending order of revulsion:

6. Flap
5. Curd
4. Chunky
3. Panties
2. Squirt
1. Moist

I'm not imagining this, right? There's a strong connection to vaginas in at least four, possibly five of these words. Language psychologist Paul Thibodeau of Oberlin College was more diplomatic about it, telling Yahoo Health, "The common denominator seems to be disgust, either toward bodily functions or sex." But I don't see "prong" on that list. Coming from an outsider's perspective, all these words seem much more closely related to female sexuality.

Are women disgusted by their own bodies? Let me be clear: I'm not making a statement here, this is a genuine question. I really don't know what I'm talking about, but this is disturbing to me. If they are, I think they shouldn't be. Women's bodies are great! Every bit of them! Even the flaps. Oh boy, I'm in trouble.

This is for all you fall-down voyeurs. Lady Gaga was leaving a restaurant and she fell down.

The Internet is making this event out to be a pretty huge deal:

You know what? It happens to the best of us! You've never fallen down before? What, like you're just so great at walking? Well congratulations to you on your extraordinary stepping skills. I hope they make you feel good about yourself.

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga will just be over here driving away in her amazing convertible, smiling for the cameras the whole time.

No one is safe.

Some hackers got into the University of Michigan football and basketball Facebook pages yesterday and posted a whole bunch of butt-related spam. The basketball page has over 438,000 likes and the football page has over 1.4 million, so I'm guessing some old alumni were bombarded with soft-core derrieres as they were trying to check in with their alma mater. Michigan managed to get rid of the hacker and delete the spam yesterday afternoon, but not before Deadspin grabbed some screenshots:

Things have cleared up now, but you never know where the ass-tastic criminal is going to strike again.

A follow from @Beyonce isn't given, it is earned.

In the last 6 years, Beyonce has tweeted only 8 thoughts. Despite her limited activity, she has 14.1 million followers, because everyone wants to support Queen B. Not surprisingly, Beyonce is very selective in the people she associates herself with and she has bestowed the great followback privilege upon only 10 Twitter users. Although I don't know any of these individuals personally, I will impart my best estimation of how and why Beyonce cares about these people.

1. Solange Knowles

Although Beyonce and Solange are not twins, they shared the same cosmic womb that pre-destined they’d be the dynamic Beyonce and Beyonce’s chic, talented, powerful younger sister.

2. Mariah Carey

You would think that Mariah Carey and Beyonce would despise each other. After all, the biggest diva of the 90s and the biggest diva of the 2000s have no business even sharing the same hemisphere. Proximity would lead to a spontaneous combustion. Yet, in all true cases, real recognizes real. Mariah Carey recognizes that Beyonce is an amazing talent blessed upon us by the celestial gods. And even though Carey can’t name a Beyonce song, that’s about as big of a compliment you can get from the woman that can hit a high G# on a live recording. The two divas crossed orbit and their Twitter accounts mutually respected.

3. Michelle Williams

Joining Destiny’s Child in early 2000 after those who must not be named were politely escorted to stage left, Michelle Williams quickly became Beyonce’s dearest work friend. If you know anything about office politics, it’s rude to not follow people you know personally back. Beyonce, of course, being always the southern debutante, graced Michelle Williams with a follow, allowing her to shine outside of the “Poor Michelle” Tumblr. The two remain friendly, with Beyonce even posting an Instagram photo with Michelle Williams, to dispel any internet bullies that had asserted the two were not acquaintances. Plagued with the trials and tribulations that come with being Not-Beyonce, Michelle is blessed to get a special acknowledgement from the queen.

4. Deray McKesson

The civil rights activist first rose to prominence at the origin of the Black Lives Matter Movement, following his grassroots work in Ferguson, Missouri. Although Beyonce is an angel and not a human, her heart goes out to all the people whose lives have been tormented by systematic racism. Thus, it’s no surprise that when Oprah had her annual Black Crusaders gala on her private island 50 miles off the Florida coast (mentioned here in this episode of 30 Rock), Beyonce reached out to Deray and the two immediately hit it off, promising to love and protect each other for the rest of their lives. 

5. Beyonce Web

There are no less than 1500 Beyonce fan accounts on Twitter. Why does this fan account get the privilege of an @Beyonce follow? Some will say it’s because of the 231k followers. Others will say it’s because it has been a Twitter user since 2010. I know it’s because the user sold her soul to the devil in exchange for first-access to paparazzi photos of the goddess. @Beyonceweb may be damned to hell, but she can rest assured that her work was worth it to bless the world with candid photos.

6. Ty Hunter

Ty Hunter has been styling for Beyonce and Beyonce syndicate, Destiny’s Child, since 1995. Beyonce was about 13 years old when she first met Hunter. She had just finished music class and had taken a walk outside to allow her vocal cords to cool down from all the hot power she was pushing. He was driving on the other side of town and could see in the distance a glimmering being reflecting the sun’s golden light. For a moment, he thought an angel had fallen from the cosmos, but nay, it was the beautiful starlet— not a girl, and not yet a woman. He immediately drove to the beam of light and vowed to dress her in couture for the rest of her life.

7. Angie Beyince

Little is known about the behind-the-scenes Vice President of Operations of Beyonce’s Parkwood Entertainment. She refers to Queen Regent Tina Knowles as aunt, and attests to spending every single summer with Beyonce and Solange watching the young girls sing. It can be assumed that Beyonce and Angie met by the grace that granted her the privilege of relation to the world’s greatest performer. 

8. Usher 

These two rhythm and blues singers have been friends since the dawn of time. Their melodic spirits were birthed from Angel Gabriel’s harpsichord. Legend says the two first connected in the mortal realm when Usher Raymond IV was harmonizing to the “Kit-Kat” theme while waiting in line at Stop & Shop in LA. All onlookers were entranced by his tunes except one mezzo-soprano who took the opportunity to riff. The two began a musical sing-off fit for royalty and producers of Star Search. Since then, they’ve been musical brethren.  

9. Kelly Rowland

Every superhero needs a side kick, and every girl group needs its second lead. Kelly Rowland and Beyonce started Destiny’s Child together when they were aspiring singers growing up in Houston. Who knew they were going to form one of the best selling girl’s groups of all time? Beyonce knew. Kelly knew how to choose best friends, and for this, Ms. Rowland’s follow is all the more valuable. 

10. Beygood

Beyonce’s life has been so blessed, she wishes everyone could understand what it’s like to wake up and be Beyonce. In an effort to give back, she has created Beygood, allowing people to be the ‘Yonce they wish to see in the world. 

Do you and your significant other spend hours deciding what to order for dinner? Do you both say "I'm fine with whatever" and then reject dozens of options until you become delirious with hunger?  

You might be surprised to learn that this frustrating rigamarole fills an important purpose. Your delivery food options have deep significance for your relationship, indicating how intimate you are, how good you are for each other, and how much longer it's likely to continue. No pressure though.

To make things easier, we've put together this handy guide. Next time you order in with your main squeeze, check back here and see where you stand. And if you don't like what we have to tell you, sorry – it's the truth.

1. Indian

Indian is one of the first kinds of food you order with a new partner. You're so desperate to seem sophisticated and worldly that you'll risk the wild variations in portion sizes between different Indian restaurants. You might be left with a thimbleful of stewed spinach, but you won't complain. Better to go to bed with a grumbling stomach than to go to bed alone.

2. Thai

This is a classic delivery staple of a relationship in its early stages. You're comfortable enough to have a night in together, but still self-conscious enough to order something that makes you look cultured. But not too cultured. Thai still has enough carbs to count as a comfort food. Most importantly, it sits light on the stomach – good for sex.

3. Pizza

The most iconic food to have delivered, the significance of pizza can vary wildly depending on context. Many newer couples will order a single pie with light vegetable toppings (broccoli, olives) to complement a night of binge watching. Once a relationship is further along, the toppings will revert further and further toward what people actually want to eat: extra cheese, pepperoni, sausage, triple cheese, meat lovers, quadruple cheese, stuffed crust, meat-stuffed crust, tacos. Here's a rule of thumb: if your face after eating is as shiny as the pizza, you're in a long-term relationship.

4. Chinese

Chinese is what you order when you want to pretend you're eating alone. No matter how healthy you try to go, delivery Chinese is always as greasy as the greasiest pizza. Eating it will leave you sluggish, bloated, and paradoxically still hungry. Ordering Chinese is never a good sign for a relationship. Need proof? The part you look forward to most is the fortune cookie, because it might tell you to break up.

5. Burritos

Congratulations! You're both pregnant.

(All pictures via Thinkstock)

Here's the latest in fun-ruining news.

Personalise.co.uk is the latest publication to take part in the populartrend of breaking down soda's effects on your body. This time around, they analyzed Red Bull. (Well, they analyzed "Energy Drink," which just happens to have a blue and silver can and a Bos taurus mascot.) 

Instead of just looking at what happens an hour after consumption, like what the Renegade Pharmacist did with Coke, they looked at its effects for a whole 24 hours. This seems like it would be worse, but they actually do a pretty evenhanded job of evaluating it, as opposed to the rather sensationalistic Coke charts. At the bottom, they conclude that "energy drinks are fine in moderation and as part of a balanced diet." Hooray! Nuanced, middle-of-the-road opinions on the Internet!

Here are the steps from the chart:

1. During the first 10 minutes of drinking an energy drink the caffeine starts to be absorbed into your bloodstream,  your body responds by increasing your heart rate and blood pressure.

2. At some point during the first 15-45 minutes depending how fast you drink it the levels of caffeine will peak, you'll feel alert and find your concentration is improved, this is due to caffeine being a stimulant drug. This is when it's recommended to drink one if you are driving and feel you need to be more alert.

3. 30-50 minutes after you finish your drink and your body has now fully absorbed the caffeine , your liver will often then react by absorbing more sugar. It's during this time that your body has also absorbed most of the sugar initially in the drink as well.

4. An hour in and you'll likely be getting the dreaded 'sugar crash' , this often is a mix of the sugar levels in your bloodstream dropping as well as the effects of the caffeine dying down.

5. Roughly 5-6 hours is the half life of caffeine, this means that it takes this many hours for your body to reduce the caffeine content in your bloodstream by 50%. For women who take an oral contraceptive this time is doubled.

6. 12 hours after finishing your energy drink for most people all the caffeine will have been removed from your bloodstream, the exact speed or time will vary from person to person.  

7.  For regular drinkers you'll find that between 12 and 24 hours is the time for when you'll start to feel withdrawal symptoms i.e. the urge for some caffeine, other affects of this include headaches, irritability and constipation.

8.  7-12 days, studies have shown that this is the time frame that your body will become tolerant of your daily caffeine dosage, one study found those who took a caffeine pill while others had a placebo, showed identical moods, alert levels and energy after 18 days, those who had the high dosage of caffeine had got used to the caffeine fix.

And here are the conclusions from the article:

Most things in moderation and as part of a healthy balanced diet are fine and this goes for energy drinks, be careful though as there are often large amounts of sugar in many of the drinks.

Guidelines for caffeine are 400mg per day and so having a can of this every day shouldn't pass this, yet the sugars and addiction that can be produced from doing this is something you should consider.

There has been research all over the world into the effects of energy drinks, in America, admissions to emergency departments which were energy drink related doubled from 2007-2014 according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s Dawn Report.

Energy drink companies often compare their drinks to coffee with many coffee shops offering high caffeine drinks, take a Starbucks Venti Caffe Americano which contains 300 mg of caffeine which is nearly 4 times that of a 250ml can of Redbull.

Wyatt Scott is running for Parliament, and he's got our vote (we're not Canadian).

Wyatt Scott is an independent candidate for Parliament in the British Columbia district of Mission Matsqui Fraser Canyon. His over-the-top political ad, featuring dragons, aliens, marijuana leaves, and a giant robot, has gone viral. He explained his reasoning to the National Post:

“Obviously, people don’t have attention spans nowadays, so we figured what can we do to draw attention?”

Consider our attention drawn. Scott realizes he has an uphill battle ahead of him, so ads like this one, which was made by student filmmakers recruited off Craigslist for less than $1000, help set him apart.

“Let’s be realistic … the odds of getting elected as an independent are so slim.”

Do you think Wyatt Scott has it in him to take down the Maple Syrup Party and the Moose Riders? Only time will tell.