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Man-children Calvin Harris and Zayn Malik are fighting on Twitter, and it's a sh*tshow.

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It's 2015, and somehow celebrities haven't realized that they're famous enough to get each other's email addresses — even if they've never met — and keep that embarrassing shit off of Twitter.

 Two talented, totally not-petty men. (via Getty Images)

Hey, celebrities. Did you know that if you have a problem with someone, you don't have to write a bunch of childish tweets about it? I know, that might seem crazy with all the feuds going on, but you actually have the ability to not say anything. Hell, if you want to, you don't even need to use a smartphone.

Whoa. I know.

Anyway, Taylor Swift-boyfriend-man/music producer Calvin Harris and former one-way-street One Direction singer Zayn Malik are fighting on twitter. It started after Zayn retweeted someone who was supporting Miley Cyrus's choice to release her new album for free and criticizing Taylor Swift's related choice to not put her album on streaming sites, because they don't pay artists enough money. These aren't trivial discussions — the way that major artists (musicians or otherwise) get paid or not paid can trickle down to smaller artists who are struggling to scrape together a living from their art. But what is trivial is two adult (or, at least, adult-ish) humans fighting via a format that only lets you send messages in 140 characters or less, because that's totally the best way to get your point across.

Ugh. Anyway, here's a screenshot of the tweet that Zayn originally retweeted, which has since been deleted but sparked off this whole kerfuffle: 

 The retweet heard 'round the world. (via The Mirror)

This attracted the ire of Calvin Harris:

https://twitter.com/CalvinHarris/status/633360068096880640https://twitter.com/CalvinHarris/status/633360134161326080https://twitter.com/CalvinHarris/status/633361094434656256https://twitter.com/CalvinHarris/status/633361156833349632

And, obviously, Zayn fired back: 

https://twitter.com/zaynmalik/status/633361497540857856https://twitter.com/zaynmalik/status/633361612120846336https://twitter.com/zaynmalik/status/633361754253209600https://twitter.com/zaynmalik/status/633364474104119297

There are so many things I could say here, like how Zayn apparently keeps a joke book written for 8-year-olds with him in order to write twitter disses. But oh god, this is just too exhausting. Great job all around, adults.


Drinking

Workplace

The Internet just can't get enough of this rude waitress, they just love it.

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Have you seen this video? It is just too too much.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Hdxs4JVeLk

Now get this: there's a restaurant—what's it called again?—oh right, Ed Debevic's. Okay, and this family went there when they were in Chicago, and would you believe it? The waitress was so rude! What's that? No, no, it was funny. She was supposed to be rude.

What do you mean, why? That's the way they do it at the restaurant. Yeah, it's rudeness-themed. They bring you your french fries and tell you you're stupid and it's so funny. It's sassy. It's cute. You'd like it. 

This doll-like Taiwanese McDonald's employee is bewitching the Internet's sweatiest dudes.

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Images of the Taipei McDonald's employee went viral after a customer shared them on Tumblr.

She's a spoon-opening goddess!
(via Tumblr)

The woman pictured above, Wei Han Xu (Weiwei for short), is a college student from Taiwan. She's been working part-time at this McDonald's location in Taipei for 5 years without incident. But that was before she became a viral sensation.

Back in late June, a Tumblr user calling himself RainDog visited McDonald's and became entranced by Weiwei's beauty. He took it upon himself to grab eight high-resolution snapshots and post them to his blog, like any ordinary person would do. In his post, he referred to her multiple times as "Lolita," because he never read the end of that book.

Note how she never makes eye contact with the photographer.
(via Tumblr)

What happened next will surprise you, unless you've ever looked at the Internet before. In a case eerily reminiscent of Taiwan's hot bean curd man, RainDog's post went viral, as shifty-eyed shut-in dudes the world over salivated over her big eyes, fetching smile, and ambiguous age. They dubbed her the "McDonald's goddess" and "Haitun," Chinese for "dolphin." And soon, their obsession carried over from the digital world to the uncomfortably real world.

You knew this one was coming.
(via Tumblr)

Cyber-stalkers quickly tracked down which McDonald's Weiwei worked at, and started showing up en masse to get a look. Her manager has become fed up with the constant stream of mouth breathers crowding the counter to pester and take photos of her. Also, if they come by and she's not working, they leave without buying anything. It's almost like a McDonald's full of frustrated horny men is an unpleasant environment!

She's so cute when she's extremely uncomfortable.
(via Tumblr)

At least Weiwei stands to profit from her unwitting fame. Since this all happened, she's appeared on a few Taiwanese variety shows. She also has a budding modeling career, and regularly posts pictures of herself on her increasingly popular social media accounts. 

https://www.facebook.com/2014applepig/photos/a.954602791224189.1073741864.859819850702484/954602821224186/?type=1https://www.facebook.com/2014applepig/photos/a.862800157071120.1073741854.859819850702484/1062333493784451/https://www.facebook.com/2014applepig/photos/a.860341273983675.1073741850.859819850702484/860341630650306/?type=1https://instagram.com/p/6R8aDORS7f/?taken-by=pppighttps://instagram.com/p/6NFWQyRS-s/?taken-by=pppig

Let's hope Weiwei's modeling career takes off soon, so she can stop working at McDonald's. Then she'll at least be able to choose when she gets harassed. Also, she won't have to participate in promotions where she dresses up in a little maid outfit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUuUpcqWfHo

Watch these dads react to their daughters getting catcalled by men who are dad-aged.

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They're going to ask every man in the city what their intentions are.

"Beautiful deep dimples" somehow comes across as more gross than just "Hey sexy!" 
(via The Scene/YouTube)

There are dozens of iterations of videos pointing out howterriblestreetharassment is for women in NYC, but this latest version by The Scene goes where no version has gone before. Three dads watched footage of their daughters getting catcalled, and while their reactions start off casual, they gradually get more and more outraged, for obvious reasons.

The last guy, who I think is Italian (?), starts off finding no problem with the men, even supporting them, but when one of the harassers follows his daughter for three minutes, he shifts gears and says he'd go the old country way on him and get in a fist-fight. We can only assume the next version of this will be womens' catcallers' boyfriends reacting to their dads getting catcalled, or something along those lines.

Getting drunk and crying at a Foo Fighters show ended surprisingly well for this guy.

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A drunk guy was crying at a Foo Fighters show and now he has story to tell literally everyone he ever meets.

Grohl going hard in crutches and homemade half-jorts. (via YouTube)

Dave Grohl, the Foo Fighters front man who is touring in ultimate rocker style despite his on-stage injury, just keeps doing great things at his concerts. I mean, the guy is on stage with crutches and a cast, performing with the energy of a teenager who just started his first garage band. At a show in Colorado on Sunday, Dave noticed some drunk guy crying in the front row.

Instead of calling him out for being a over-emotional man-baby, Dave invited him to the stage. At first, the tearful dude tried to crowd surf, but he was either too drunk or too much of a square to pull it off. When he gets to the stage, he hugs Dave who advises him not to drive home. Then he is serenaded by the band and the entire audience during "Hero," and even joins in for a couple lines.

Grohl being totally cool with a drunk guy holding his hand. (via YouTube)

I'm very impressed with how this guy was able to sorta keep his cool, considering he's a Foo Fighters super-fan. He is totally going to be telling this story to anyone who will listen, and even people who don't want to listen, for the rest of his life. Here's the full video (fun starts at 2:37):

 

Article 29


This three-day-old miniature horse chasing a man will make you Google "How much does a horse cost?"

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And if you're a Parks and Rec fan, it will also remind you how much you miss Li'l Sebastian.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8svprEgK4s

Sure, dogs are "man's best friend" and cats are "the internet's best friend", but this tiny, newborn horse is cute enough to make you forget any other species exist. Watch as it chases YouTuber Sterling Bartow around in circles, prancing and trotting for what may be the first time in its weekend-length life. Then find yourself wondering why you've spent so little time in your life thinking about mini horses. 

For the record, you could get one for as little as $500. Fair warning, though: they may start out cheap, but the costs grow along with the horse, until eventually you're paying hundreds a month for hay and manure removal and your credit card is maxed out and your spouse leaves you for someone younger with a cheaper, much more practical turtle. Still, it doesn't hurt to dream.

Zayn Malik's confusing tweet about meth is the second worst decision he's made recently.

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Zayn's tweet used an unfortunate abbreviation that baffled his fans, who take every word he says as gospel.

https://twitter.com/zaynmalik/status/633116462576611328

I'm sure that ex-One Directioner Zayn Malik didn't think anything of it when he tweeted this image to let his 15.4 million followers know he was seeing Method Man and Red Man in concert. Unfortunately, "meth" is less common as an abbreviation for "method" as it is for "methamphetamine," AKA "crystal meth," "that sweet sweet crank," "blue sky," or "Zayn's choice." Fans immediately started expressing genuine concern for the 22-year-old pop star.

https://twitter.com/cassysanchez_/status/633120164200902656https://twitter.com/emmagee111/status/633116696761360385https://twitter.com/PigeonPayne/status/633281984316502016https://twitter.com/MGC4ME/status/633117340364877825https://twitter.com/jessveeeee/status/633116751811768320

Not his beautiful teeth! There was no shortage of diehard Zaynheads with good advice:

https://twitter.com/joeygattotvaf/status/633158017513472000

Wise beyond her years. More astute fans started coming forward to correct their colleagues and assuage their fears:

https://twitter.com/MsThea15/status/633117226279772160https://twitter.com/unusualwt/status/633121718035283970

But not everyone was convinced:

https://twitter.com/jacobspajammies/status/633121865830019072

Others were just exasperated:

https://twitter.com/solozjm/status/633129700706140160https://twitter.com/wanderlustkilam/status/633118547649105920https://twitter.com/Zayn_Daily/status/633302263235129348

Exactly! He's rich enough to afford any drug, not some dirty truckstop meth. Not that he does drugs, there's no evidence of that. Zayn has yet to come forward and clear up the confusion himself, but he probably should. He doesn't realize what a tastemaker he is.

https://twitter.com/bravestlouis/status/633117006426845184

Will this be the turning point that brings meth into the mainstream? Only time will tell.

Heidi Klum gets 10/10 for her video response to Trump's allegations that she's not a 10/10.

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Heidi Klum, comedian.

Annnnnnnnd BURN. 

In a short New York Times profile on Saturday, Donald Trump was kind of defending his bombastic, chauvinistic attitude, but kind of not. When discussing the way the public perceives him, he said the following:

“Sometimes I do go a little bit far,” he allowed...

Whoa, is this a moment of self-awareness for Trump?

...adding, after a moment: “Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.”

Nevermind. After that shred of insight, he just had to add a random dig at Heidi Klum. Anyways, Klum just wasn't going to sit there and let Trump be a douche. She made the following video, and posted it on all of her social media accounts:

Klum has the extra .01 in my book. Your move, Trump. 

Article 25

We collected our writers' most embarrassing teen poetry because we love making them suffer.

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These are actual poems written by Someecards contributors when they were angsty teenagers instead of angsty adults.

This is still how we write. (stock photo)

Happy Bad Poetry Day! We hope you're celebrating by reading the worst poetry you can find, unlike every other day of the year, when you spend hour after hour reading the world's best poets. We decided to commemorate the occasion by asking our contributors, who are all accomplished and talented comedy writers, to dust off their old three-ring binders and send us the most embarrassing poetry they wrote back when they were teenagers. And a few of them actually did it! They're just that desperate for attention. We hope you enjoy it, because they definitely won't.

Brian Boone– "Untitled"

It is
Really a lot
of fun,

to walk
through a field,

Then lie there for
An
entire
hour,

And just stop
and
think
about life

Author's note: "It's not nearly as bad as my early attempts at humor writing."
Follow Brian on Twitter: @brianadamsboone

Ziwe Fumudoh– "Lone Wolf" (excerpt)

I am the wolf. 
I walk alone.
No one to guide me.
No place to call home.

Author's note: "I was a moody 13 year old, primarily because I had just hit puberty, but didn't fully grasp the concept of deodorant." This poem won third place in a competition (out of 12 applicants).
Follow Ziwe on Twitter: @ziweeee

Mike Primavera– "Untitled"

Your promises are made of glass, 
They break upon the lips they pass,
The pieces fall onto the ground,
Making a familiar sound.

Author's note: "I wrote this after I broke up with my girlfriend junior year of high school."
Follow Mike on Twitter: @primawesome

Matt Nedostup– "Destiny"

Choose one.

Author's note: That's the whole thing.
Follow me on Twitter and never mention this: @nedostup

Ashley Bez– "N.O."

I never felt alone until I met you
you only give me what you want
but you know I want more
why do you let me think we have something
when it's really nothing at all
and I try to drop a hint
but it's really nothing at all
so i think that i will just be blunt
I should have spoken up from the start
because I deserve better than this
I don't deserve to be at another person's
     disposal
because that's what I am
and here I am
feeling more alone than before we met

Author's note: "I was in 10th grade. Some moron was stringing me along and I kept falling for his garbage. I had enough and told him it was over, so I scratched "IT IS ALL OVER" in red pen atop the poem. But then, he wanted to try again, so I wrote "so it continues" at the bottom. For the record, I'm now 31 and have learned nothing."
Follow Bez on Twitter because she's very brave: @bez

Related: A teen poem went viral for its unexpected twist ending after it was anonymously posted on a bar wall.

Article 23

Article 22


Jon Stewart's next hosting gig: professional wrestling.

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He'll be hosting WWE 'SummerSlam' on Aug 23rd. Instead of the 'Daily Show.' *sigh* Whatever, Jon, do your thing.

Pictured: a man about to finally live his dream.
Jon Stewart? THAT Jon Stewart?(via Getty)

So, this is happening now.

It might come as a bit of a surprise to the casual Daily Show connoisseur, but Jon Stewart actually has a long, storied history with the WWE. He's a surprisingly hardcore fan, and even had a brief feud in February with Seth Rollins (current World Heavyweight Champion) that ended in an appearance on WWE Raw and a tasteful kick to the groin. Of course, they wanted everyone to know that there's no bad blood, and a couple weeks ago Rollins gave Stewart an "honorary WWE World Heavyweight Championship title" engraved with the Daily Show logo. "Okay," we all thought, "surely this means Jon Stewart is done with wrestling."

"Nope," he replied, which brings us, weirdly, to this Sunday, at 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT, when the Daily Show retiree will be hosting WWE's SummerSlam show live from the Barclays Center. In this new Bizarro World we're apparently living in, Jon Stewart has is providing wrestling commentary instead of political commentary. Who knows what else is different? Maybe grilled cheese is vegan, or millennials hate cell phones, or Donald Trump is a serious presidential candidate. I'm just gonna close my eyes and pretend we're still living in sweet, sweet 2014.

A Confederate flag painting, a “Muslim-free” gun store and George Zimmerman walk into a bar.

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Bigoted dough-face George Zimmerman is addicted to the spotlight he receives by being a horrible human being.

This is a real headline. (via Gawker)

George Zimmerman, the one-man carnival of intolerance who shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in 2012 continues to be the absolute worst. He is a sub-par painter, and he is now selling a print of his most recent work as part of a raffle to win the original piece of racist art.

Look, it's on sale! (via FloridaGunSupply)

Andy Hallinan is the guy who is being sued by the Counsel for American/Islamic Relations because he declared his gun store a "Muslim free zone." Not only is this print offensive for being a symbol of hate and racism, but it surely offends most artists for being such a bad painting.

Here's the painting. I'm sorry. (via FloridaGunSupply)

So, I guess if you're into guns and hate and supporting criminals, go ahead and buy one of these prints and you could possibly win the real thing. Florida Gun Supply put out a mini-documentary about Zimmerman's painting and why our country is doomed if we don't all carry firearms, or something? I don't know, I watched the whole video on mute while listening to N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton (2002 Remaster). I suggest you do the same, if you can even bear to watch it at all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSVuh_8-VQs

Correction: A previous version of this post misstated Martin's age as 14.  

In honor of #BadPoetryDay, we had our writers compose poems about contemporary issues.

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All of them suck (except for mine).

Can you use that on an iPad? (via Thinkstock)

It's Bad Poetry Day

And what better way

To mark this splendid occasion

Than poems from our staff

About topical stuff that's happening 

Poem poem poem this is a poem

1. "Ode to my standing desk (that I rarely use)" by Dan Wilbur

O, strange monolith, in whose form I share!
Would that thy black form come de-fatten me.
But no. Here I stand, a mockery, bare,
I still never exercise. I’m heavy.
I give up quite early, back in a chair.
My coworkers laugh, high from their perches.
At weight loss advice I silently stare,
I spend all day deleting my searches.
Others rise while I continue to sit.
Perhaps I bought one only to feel judged.
My work is suffering. Everything’s shit.
I try and I try, but my ass won’t budge.
The desk rusts in a sitting position.
Fatter and fatter is my decision.

2. "Thinkpiece About Tinder" by Ariel Karlin 

Swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe,
Left left left left left not my type,
What's your height?
Not alright.
How come I'm not in love?

3. "Johnny's topical haikus" by Johnny McNulty


Vote for Donald Trump
Over the shark we shall jump
It’s gonna be huge.

I swiped on Tinder.
Here's a guy reading kindle.
He's fucking married.

Wait his name's Fat Jew?
And he steals people's hard work?
Jesus fucking christ.

I love my job job
job job job job job job job
ok boss is gone now

I have a landline
This makes me quite important.
Now ask me your poll.

No one likes Ted Cruz.
He wants you to know he's smart.
And also a prick.

4. "This is just to say" by Shira Danan


I have eaten 
the donuts
that were in 
the conference room.

and which
you were probably
saving
for the 12:30pm all-company meeting.

Forgive me
stealing them made me 
briefly 
feel alive.

5. "Coffee Coffee" by Bijan Samareh (me) 

coffee coffee

ur delicious

coffee coffee

i know i should limit myself to two cups a day or something

coffee coffee

i think it read that somewhere

coffee coffee

but it's just too good

coffee coffee

you make me shit a lot

coffee coffee

butt you're worth the pain

coffee coffee

fuck tea

coffee coffee

just kidding tea's alright but not as good as coffee

coffee coffee

does obama drink coffee

coffee coffee

probably

coffee coffee

coffe looks good in italics

and bold

coffee coffee

gonna go get some coffee

coffee coffee

6. "Love" by Ashley Bez

Looking for true love
Like a strong modern woman
Wasted on Tinder

7. "Meditation on a Frock" by Meg Favreau

Dresses can be white and gold
Or sometimes they are blue
If you call something "the new dress" one more time
I'm gonna fucking punch you

(All nature photos via Wikimedia Commons)

Article 18

6 ways to call attention to your engagement ring in an Instagram photo so it looks accidental.

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We see you, engaged people.

And we see your ring, so carefully placed in your Instagram photos so it can be admired while you can seem like, "This old thing? This old, expensive, diamond thing?" We all know what you're up to, and I'd like to make it even easier for you. Here are some ideas for how to incorporate your engagement ring into an Instagram photo without looking like you meant to. (P.S. Congratulations.)

1. Hold a glass of wine. 

If you hold a mason jar full of alcohol at the right angle, you can send a lot of messages to your followers. You're getting married, you're fun, and you're the type of person who pays for jars.


2. Learn how to do nail art. Take a picture of your nail art.

You're not going to have cool nail art and then not Instagram it. And if you happen to have a ring on one of your fingers that signifies that oh, you happen to be in love with a person who you're going to pair off with for life, it would definitely make sense in the shot.


3. Point to a beautiful element of nature, like a flower or tree.

It's important to appreciate our natural surroundings, so if anyone wants to instead focus on some diamond that happens to draw the eye, that person is taking Earth's beauty for granted and that's their own problem.


4. Explain what's in your juice.

"Green juice" leaves a lot of information to be desired. Which green fruits and vegetables specifically are in the juice? Your followers want to know, and of course they want an accompanying visual aid, that you will need to hold. And what are you supposed to do about the symbol on your hand that someone is the maximum amount of into you?


5. Take an in-progress shot of yourself applying the latest viral makeup hashtag.

You would only be doing your part to make a confusing statement: that makeup is either empowering or oppressive or both or neither, and that you're getting married so you're cool.


6. Place your hands in front of your face like, "No! Don't take a picture of me!"

We all know that acting like you don't want to have your picture taken is a power pose. And it's even more powerful if you can flash a huge diamond in the process. If you're really savvy, you'll consider this stance for photos on your actual wedding day.

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