Pets
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Article 43
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Facebook pic shows what can go wrong when you ask your smart-ass boyfriend for flowers.
His kid is only a year old and he's already the king of dad jokes.
(via Facebook)
Paige Ellen-Williams, a British woman living in Wales, dropped a hint to her boyfriend that she wanted some flowers delivered, so he did what any smart-ass in his situation would do: He ordered her 12 bags of flour from Tesco, the local supermarket. Here's their text exchange from when she got the delivery:
(via Facebook)
And here's Paige-Ellen's Facebook post about it:
When Tesco heard about Richard's prank, they sent Paige a cookbook:
(via Facebook)
Orange you glad you read about this? (I'm so sorry.)
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Article 41
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This map of every state's most embarrassing Google search is full of disturbing surprises.
Real estate website Estately put together this map based on Google data for the past 11 years. (Scroll down for mobile-friendly images.)
The 50 American states are very different, but there's one thing that unites them all: a closet full of skeletons. Knowing that, the map nuts at Estately's real estate blog made this map of the most shameful Google search each state makes more than any other.
They combed through search data from the past 11 years, isolating terms that each state searches more than any other. From those, they picked one for each state that they deemed particularly embarrassing. Some of their choices might be controversial (What's wrong with Alaska searching for Nicolas Cage? National Treasure is awesome), but they're all enlightening.
Some of the results fit uncomfortably well into established stereotypes, like "Scabies" for Kentucky. Others come totally out of left field, like "Furries" for Wyoming. In a way, this map is inspiring. Seeing every state's dirty secret makes you realize that they're all pretty much the same. None of them has more reason to be ashamed than any other. Except Illinois. They really don't know that WWE is fake?
Here's the map chopped up for you phone jockeys:
Incidentally, if you're interested to see what every state Googles more than any other with no consideration for embarrassment, Estately covered that too. In the last few years, they've produced a lot of fascinating maps of the country like this one. Here are a few of our favorites:
- What every state Googles more than any other.
- The most popular cocktail in every state.
- What every state has more of per capita than any other.
- The most famous Kevin from every state.
- The top couch potato states.
Keep it up, Estately! We won't get tired of these maps until we've lost our last shred of respect for every state in the union.
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Article 39
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Article 38
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Pumpkin spice latte M&M's are coming because we need more temptation.
Now you can eat your favorite drink in bite-sized pieces.
The wonders of flavor and product innovation can't be stopped, and as a result, we will have pumpkin spice latte M&M's this fall. The flavor of everyone's favorite seasonal latte will be combined with an icon of chocolate candy. And this decadent little creation will be available in Target. That retailer where people have been known to make a small, impulsive purchase or three on their way to the register.
It's not a matter of if, but rather when, you will try these. Two powerhouses of delicious temptation have come together to be sold in a powerhouse store that is a haven of temptations. Will you eat them in the parking lot or wait until you make it back to the car? Will you share them or secretly devour them yourself in a single session? Resistance is futile.
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Here are the most popular baby names of last year, and our helpful explanations why.
Side note: This is the best web design I've ever seen from the US Gov't. (via SSA.gov)
Babies need names, and names have to come from somewhere. Usually, the year's most popular baby names are identical to the cast list for whatever Twilight film came out. Since that franchise dried up, however, and since naming your kid after 50 Shades of Grey characters is generally frowned upon, new parents had to be a little more creative in 2014.
Here are the top 10 names for boys and girls in 2014, according to the Social Security Administration, along with a totally scientifically accurate explanation for where those names definitely came from, according to me.
U.S. Girls
- Emma — "We're not naming your baby sister Elsa. We're not naming her Anna, either. EMMA IS NOT A COMBINATION OF THE TWO. Fine, whatever. EMMA IT IS!"
- Olivia— Pope, for parents who run a secret government spy agency and need their daughter to be strong, dammit, STRONG!
- Sophia— Vergara, because she is KILLING it right now.
- Isabella— "No, I didn't name my kid after Twilight." "I know that Bella's full name is Isabella." "No, I swear, I'm just a huge Spanish history buff."
- Ava— Although it wouldn't come out until the following spring, the Ex Machina character Ava was already what all parents want in a daughter: a hyper-intelligent, beautiful, manipulative and deadly strong robot who threatens humanity's very future.
- Mia— "I'll just name her after Christian Grey's sister in 50 Shades. That's innocent. Right?"
- Emily— How the hell did this normal-ass name slip in there?
- Abigail— Abigail, on the other hand, is a really weird, messed-up name. People are freaks.
- Madison— "Your father suggested this name, along with Ashley. Anyway, he died in the Great Husband Purge of 2015."
- Charlotte— 10 years after the Sex and the City finale, it's pretty clear who won in the end.
U.S. Boys
- Noah— Although not popular with most moviegoers, pregnant women really related to the protagonist of Noah, who was forced to carry life inside a ship that kept getting bigger and bigger in the face of snide comments from the neighbors. Also, The Notebook.
- Liam— For the unexpectedly young parent who got carried away at a One Direction concert.
- Mason— The first and greatest of all the third-generation Kardashian-spawn, Mason Disick's flowing locks could get him a modeling gig that puts North West to shame if he felt like it.
- Jacob— Because maybe they'll reboot Twilight when he's a teenager and then he'll get laid by a nice crazy girl just like his mom.
- William— Could be One Direction, could be a Prince, I don't really follow either of those bands. (Editor's Note: Turns out it's a Prince. Harry is both, though.)
- Ethan— Gonna go ahead and say One Direction. (Editor's Note: Nope. One of those teen dystopia movies probably has an Ethan, though.)
- Michael— As in "Angelo" and "Bay," because no one knew how bad the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot would be until it was too late.
- Alexander— Probably one of the One Directions? (Editor's Note: Again, no. Alexander is what you name a kid when the nurse asks you what his name is and you realize you forgot to pick one and you just blurt something out.)
- James— James Franco was everywhere in the few years leading up to your child's birth. It's not that you love the guy. He's ok. Whatever. But his name. Was. Everywhere.
- Daniel— Jeez, how many kids are in One Direction? (Editor's note: After March of next year, NONE.)
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Pets
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Taylor Swift sang with Beck, St. Vincent, & John Legend last night. Will she ever run out of stars?
Are you going to be able to keep this up, Tay?
The cavalcade of celebrity guests joining Taylor Swift onstage continues, and girl is putting a lot of pressure on herself to keep escalating who she brings out. At last night's L.A. concert, Swift and Beck sang his song "Dream" with St. Vincent on guitar. If this was a bid for street cred, it's working.
And John Legend sat at the piano to play his song "All of Me," with the two stars alternating lyrics.
Swift says she just found out Legend would be at the concert 30 minutes beforehand and spontaneously asked him to do a duet, which is not believable at all, but on a narrative level I'm definitely entertained.
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Pets
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Jennifer Lawrence emailed Amy Schumer "I'm in love with you," and now they're writing a movie.
Remember when Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer were on a jet ski together? Those were the days.
It turns out they're not just vacation buddies and squad colleagues. They're also writing a screenplay together that they'll star in. Lawrence told the New York Times that she emailed Schumer after seeing Trainwreck to say, "I don't know where to get started. I guess I should just say it. I'm in love with you." Also casually mentioned in the Times interview? The new movie that "flowed" out of them. They'll play sisters. They've written 100 pages so far. They talk on the phone everyday. See, kids? This is why it's important to read the newspaper.
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Woman finds extremely creative way to sneak cognac on a plane.
Remember this the next time you're buying something at the Duty-free store.
A woman traveling from Beijing to Wenzhou bought a $200 bottle of cognac at the airport.
Unfortunately, the large bottle was not permitted on her connecting flight, so the passenger/future Nobel laureate came up with an excellent hiding place for the contents of the bottle: inside her stomach.
Yep. When she was told she could not bring the large container of pricey alcohol on her flight, Ms. Zhao downed the entire bottle of Rémy Martin XO Excellence prior to boarding. Unfortunately, she was then barred from doing so. By the time her boarding section was called, she was so inebriated she had to be put in a wheelchair to keep from falling face first on the terminal floor.
Let this be a lesson to all you nervous flyers: if you want to travel with alcohol in your body, pace yourselves. Only down half the bottle of cognac, then try to sell the rest for $100 so you can afford a cocktail on the plane too.
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The stages of every relationship, as told through farting etiquette (fartiquette).
An etiquette guide for the evolution of farting manners between you and your significant other.
Where are you at in your dating life? Is everything flossing, butterflies and afternoon sex? Or have you slogged through every episode of each critically acclaimed HBO program to avoid talking to each other, and are now moving on to (shudder) basic cable? One way to analyze the slow disintegration of a romantic relationship is how you treat each other's farts. Here's the break down:
0-2 months: You get your farts out at home, then change your entire outfit in case anything’s lingering.
As far as you both know, neither of you has ever farted in your entire life.
2-4 months: You fart a few feet from the door.
You're relaxing a bit. Maybe you've even eaten kimchi together. But farts are still outdoors ONLY!
4-6 months: You fart in the bathroom then spend twenty minutes airing it out.
You spend too much time together to successfully squeeze every toot out in the open air. Plus, you're ordering in a lot, and take-out food makes you gassy.
6-9 months: You fart by accident and both pretend it didn’t happen.
Probably while you're planning a weekend get-away. You're relaxed and excited. Something slips loose, but you're both still too polite with each other to make jokes about bodily functions.
9 months-A year: You fart by accident and you both giggle. All bets are off.
It's during sex.
2+ years: You discuss the sound quality and aromatic bouquet of your farts.
The human body is fascinating in its grossness, and you have unfettered intimate access to your partner's. Sometimes you hear more than you want to, but the juice is worth the squeeze.
7+ years: You fart on each other.
Nothing keeps a LTR fresh like pinning down your partner, farting in their face, and running off while laughing maniacally. You have basically become siblings at this point.
15+ years: You fart to end arguments.
Things are getting stale. Staler than farts. You need to address your problems head on, not obscure them with clouds of gas from your personal tail pipe.
Anytime or on Death Bed: You accidentally shart.
Relationship over.
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Family gives son the lamest possible gift just to prove what a polite kid he is.
This kid gives new meaning to the term "trooper."
Three-year-old Henry is the very model of a sweet, sensitive, tactful child. His mother Victoria knows this, so she decided to test him a few days before his birthday. She and her brother, Jeff Simmons, gave Henry a lecture on how important it is to receive presents graciously, and then they wrapped household junk in paper and gave them to him as presents. The "presents" included this avocado, as well as an oven mitt and a K-cup. Classic gag gifts.
True to form, Henry didn't let on about his disappointment at all. He was a perfect little gentleman. And thankfully, his uncle Jeff captured the whole thing in this Vine, which has quickly gone viral for obvious reasons. People can't get enough of his exaggerated "Thaaaanks." Strangers online were much more surprised than Victoria, who expected nothing less of her son. She told the Daily News,
“He’s very sensitive to peoples’ feelings.”
He clearly is, and he's earned his real present: a whole bushel of avocados. He did his family proud.
Not like this baby, who can't pretend she likes avocado for even a second.
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Josh Duggar actually managed to cheat with someone and she does NOT wish him well.
It was only a matter of time before the exposure of Josh Duggar's many attempts to cheat would lead to an actual woman.
Well, we all figured that at some point in his illustrious career of making dating profiles while married, Josh Duggar might have managed to actually cheat with somebody. He had Ashley Madison, OKCupid, Facebook... none of which apparently helped, because he got laid by being much more direct. He paid for it!
At least that's what porn star Danica Dillon (née Ashley Lewis) claims in an exclusive interview with In Touch magazine. Their encounter sounds as sordid as you'd expect, and also very expensive:
“He walked into the Gold Club like a normal patron and said he’d been a fan for a long time and has watched my career grow — he even said from before my boob job until recently — and that he loved watching my very first scene on [an adult website],” she tells In Touch. “Then it got creepy.”
After watching her show and "eyeballing me," Danica says he bought $600 in private dances and then “asked me how would he be able to spend the evening with me.” She reveals to In Touch that Josh was violent with her when they had sex, he did not use protection and gave her thousands of dollars after their encounters.
“I think that after I come out, there will probably be plenty more girls after me. I actually really hope that his wife leaves him and takes his children away from him and leaves him a lonely, bitter man. I don’t think he deserves happiness.”
According to the Duggar's website, Josh probably won't be experiencing happiness anytime soon, as he's checked himself into a "long-term treatment center" for sex addiction. He did say in his publicly self-flagellating apology that he has a porn addiction. Maybe that only becomes a serious problem when you can afford to buy living porn stars.
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School sends girl home with baffling letter banning her Wonder Woman lunch box.
Forget zero-tolerance towards violence, now kids can't even be fans of superheroes or anyone who solved problems with anything more aggressive than a calculator.
Because there is nothing more violent than rope that forces people to tell the truth. (via reddit)
In today's America, schools exist to teach children that life is a series of arbitrary rules handed down by a panel of incompetent adults who literally have no clue what living on planet Earth is like. It has been so since time immemorial, but somehow gets worse and worse every year. Sometimes, the problem is dress codes, like this girl who got sent home because her collarbone was "too distracting." Actually, the problem is often the dress code. Or it's sex ed. Or it's school lunches (also a recurring problem), or attendance for kids with cancer. It's been a while, in fact, since we've had a good old-fashioned outrage moment about a zero-tolerance policy towards violence that goes way below zero into the realm of imaginary violence. That's what happened in the case of this letter that was sent home from school with the daughter of Daniel and Sarah:
(via reddit)
"Dear Daniel and Sarah, we noticed that Laura has a Wonder Woman lunchbox that features a super hero image. In keeping with the dress code of the school, we must ask that she not bring this to school. The dress code we have established requests that the children not bring violent images into the building in any fashion — on their clothing (including shoes and socks), backpacks and lunchboxes. We have defined "violent characters" as those who solve problems using violence. Super heroes certainly fall into that category. Please refer to the dress code section of the School Handbook. Your cooperation with our dress code will be appreciated."
Wow. It turns out this somehow managed to be both a fictional violence problem and a dress code issue. One that attacks a feminist icon (who uses the Lasso of Truth to solve problems with as little violence as possible, by the way) while at the same time implying that this policy is disproportionately enforced against this girl's male classmates. Frozen lunchboxes, despite being an abomination, are fine, but anything from the Marvel or DC universe (and hey, I'd love to see some more female-led superhero flicks) means your kid is a problem. It is, in other words, the Perfect (Sh*t)Storm of academic idiocy.
"Back in Amazonia, we'd beat the crap out of you for nonsense like that." (via reddit)
So far, there's been no response from the school, but we'll let you know if the universal "WTF?" reaction online has any effect on this policy, which really just makes you want to punch something.
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Man with abundant free time rediscovers the magic of Disney World by doing funny Dubsmashes with the characters.
This man's excitement for Dubsmashing with Disney characters is matched by our excitement for watching his Dubsmashes.
Dustin Hayes has made a discovery that rivals the imminent invention of time travel: he's figured out how to capture the carefree whimsy of a child in Disney World, but as an ADULT. Who knew that was even possible without the aid of mind-altering substances? He is an obvious candidate for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Dustin, a man with an enviable amount of free time on his hands, goes to Disney World and makes Dubsmashes. He handpicks songs and movie clips for princesses, princes, and even king Mickey himself. And the resulting videos he puts on his YouTube channel are the equivalent of finally finding the correct combination of anti-depressants.
Here's another one. It's like eating ice cream without the calories!
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Toddlers review their parents' electronics on Amazon.
If your kids were able to review your electronics online, the reviews would probably look like this.
1. Jay, age 2, on the iPhone
2. Greg, age 4, on Mac Desktop Computer
3. Bethany, age 2, on 65-Inch HD TV
4. Shannon, age 5, on the Roomba
5. Shannon (again) on the Quirky Pivot Power Outlet
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