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12 people who didn't let being at work get in the way of doing whatever they felt like doing.

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Work takes up almost all of your day, and it's so boring.

Bosses can't really expect us just to work all day long and never take the occasional respite or "me" moment, do they? Here are some people who found a way to have fun, even though they were on the clock, and even though they probably got fired afterward.

1.

Like they don't already say "wheeeeeee" riding that garbage truck all day.(via Imgur)

2.

"No, you're the Don Draper. I'm the Harry Crane. Get it?" (via Pleated Jeans)

3.

He's supposed to be driving a train. To be fair, that might be a train instructional manual. (via AOL)

4.

Cool Runnings, basically. (via Pleated Jeans)

5.

It would break his heart if he ever found out those aren't real birds. (via Pleated Jeans)

6.

Those are carcasses of other guys who tried to ride a unicycle around all those hooks. (via Buzzfeed)

7.

"Banana phoooone." (via Imgur)

8.

Oh, was the poor widdle doctor tired after her 100-hour shift? (via Buzzfeed)

9.

It's so uncomfortable to sleep with your boots on. (via LifeBuzz)

10.

Somehow this wasn't a gag in Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2(via LifeBuzz)

11.

"Well, the XBox is secure. Be back in 10 to check again." (via Pleated Jeans)

12.

Mike Bennett became a senator so he could look at porn whenever he wanted to, okay? (via SunshineStateNews)

 


Man trying to paint his daughter's bedroom texts the wrong number and finds the perfect friend.

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The next time I need important life advice, I'm just gonna text a random number.

Man, don't ask D. D couldn't interior decorate their way out of a paper bag.

I don't know the genders of these anonymous texters for sure, but the person painting their daughter's room really sounds like a stressed-out dad to me, so that's what I'm going with. There are so many internal struggles that come through in just these few words. He thinks his daughter would like a blue room. D, on the other hand, is messing with his head with some kind of retrograde girls-must-be-surrounded-by-pink nonsense. With that kind of feedback coming from his inner circle, it seems like an impartial stranger is exactly who this nervous pop needed for advice. Sometimes it's just easier to open up to someone you don't know about that periwinkle shit.

No joke, I would be 1000% more comfortable discussing this with a stranger.
Personally, I'd have said "go with a color that won't make her think Facebook is also her home" but I'm not the one being wrong-texted.
I had a wicker-based childhood. Turned out OK. Helped me not fear splinters.
In conclusion: eff D.

I sincerely hope that for the rest of their lives, whenever these two face a difficult choice, they remember who they can call text for sound advice. Thanks, random humans, for making me feel pretty good about being homo sapiens today.

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Super hot monster hunter Jensen Ackles absolutely slays this Lynyrd Skynyrd cover.

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It's great, once you get past the teenage girls freaking out like they know what song this is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kszHhHBjJm8

Jensen Ackles is very famous amongst a certain subset of people: Supernatural fans. And this video was filmed at the holiest event for Supernatural fans, a conference called Vancon. Vancon, as near as we can tell, is an entire conference dedicated to the show. Because it's filmed in Vancouver. Get it?

This year is the tenth season of the brothers-hunting-demons/homoerotic-face-punching-fest that is Supernatural, and the cast and crew have probably been a really important part of the Vancouver community in that decade. They love Canada and Canada loves them. They also love classic rock! That's pretty much all that would be on the Supernatural soundtrack, if they made one (please make one!). I imagine it would be called Tunes To Get Your Impala Revving. So anyway, it makes sense that Jensen Ackles would want to celebrate the city and the sound of his show along with its rabid fan base. If you loved him already, watching him play the guitar and croon is a perfect way to spend 5 minutes. If you're just finding out who he is...enjoy your new crush. 

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Article 36

If you can watch this surreal Donald Trump video without laughing, you should be President.

Zac Efron shared a photo of his grandparents to Facebook that makes his movie's sad failure even sadder.

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It's hard to enjoy making fun of Zac Efron after seeing this heartbreaking photo.

https://www.facebook.com/ZacEfron/photos/a.462497137181191.1073741825.209830919114482/809793769118191/?type=1&theater

Zac Efron's new movie We Are Your Friends is inspiring a lot of "we are not your friends" wordplay today after an extremely disappointing opening weekend at the box office. The movie made only $1.8 million at over 2,000 screens, despite a trailer promising lines like "Get your head out of that laptop and start listening to what the real world is trying to tell you." It's one of the top ten lowest-grossing wide-releases in history.

But at least two people were really excited to catch the premiere: Grandma and Grandpa. Efron captioned the photo "Shout out to Grandma and grandpa. First ones in line, opening night. Love you," which almost makes us feel guilty for delighting in his failure. Something about their eagerness to see the film ahead of imagined hordes makes us wish, for them, that their grandson wasn't such a screw-up. Maybe it's time to gently nudge him toward law school. 

Facebook commenters, lacking our tender heart, were quick to pile on Efron:

Here's the trailer, in case you wanted to know why you're also not going to see We Are Your Friends:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZzAeYWXFpk

 


Fishermen who rescued two kittens still probably exaggerated how big they were.

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These two Alabama fishermen went out on the river to chill, acquired two more responsibilities instead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8WFqM9wMrQ

Who said cats hate water? Probably whoever abandoned two adorable marmalade kittens on an island to die. Little did they know how resilient and determined a hungry cat can be. After one makes it to the dry boat, the second hops in the weeds and...cat-paddles over. Then it's all "meow meow meow feed me feed me feed me."

There's nothing definitive about whether or not they decided to keep these babies or tossed them back to let them get bigger first*, but how can you pass up such spirited animals and the opportunity to make a "catfishing" joke every single day?

*we are now hearing unconfirmed reports that they gave the kittens away to two young girls who wanted to adopt them.

Miley Cyrus officially leaves nothing to our imaginations, flashes nipple on live TV.

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You've seen them here, you've seen them there, now you've seen them live on air! 

Logo-less NSFW version below.

This "nip slip" was by far the most calculated moment of the Video Music Awards. It was more planned than the Taylor Swift/Nicki Minaj kiss-and-make-up sesh. It was much, much more orchestrated than Nicki Minaj throwing the B word in Miley's face. It was...inevitable. The "Free the Nipple" campaign is one of Miley Cyrus's pet projects, so of course she wore her button proudly last night. Her button is the nipple itself.

"Peekaboo, I see you!" -Miley's nip

What's there even to say about seeing Miley Cyrus's nipple? It's like when you haven't even seen a movie, but everyone around you has seen it and talks about it so much that you feel like you were there opening night. Miley Cyrus's nipple is the Citizen Kane of nipples: exactly what you expected. 

Creep tries publicly slut-shaming woman on FB; sparks impromptu anti-harassment group instead.

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Olivia Melville, a 23-year-old living in Sydney, had a screencap of her Tinder profile posted on Facebook by some creep trying to make fun of her.

Did Facebook just become more terrible than Tinder?

He tried to slut-shame her by writing "Stay classy ladies" in reference to her profile blurb, which reads "Type of girl that will suck you dry and then eat some lunch with you," which is, yes, a Drake lyric. Yes, Drake, probably one of the most sensitive, woman-loving rappers working right now. The post started blowing up, with some people taking part in the sharming along with Chris, and others coming to Olivia's defense. Olivia was notified of it, and started receiving abuse both on her Facebook page and in her messages. It was a terrible ordeal overall, but things somehow got even worse when this psycho commenter showed up:

A few days later, Olivia's friend, Paloma, took to Facebook to announce that she, Olivia, and some of their other friends were starting an anti-sexual violence group focusing on social media harassment, in order to raise awareness and to hold men accountable. They had already reported Olivia's harassers to the police. 

https://www.facebook.com/paloma.b.newton/posts/10153198442828985

 

This, of course, included a late night t-shirt making sesh, since matching uniforms never hurt the fight for gender equality.

https://www.facebook.com/SVWBS/posts/1651632201781144

The organization is called "Sexual Violence Won't Be Silenced," and their petition has already garnered over 4,000 signatures. They've also been written about by a bunch of blogs. 

This goes to show that if you ever attempt to taint the message of Drake by slut-shaming a Drake fan, it will backfire. Oh, how it will backfire. 

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Miley Cyrus, because she felt Nicki Minaj's wrath.

The two young songstresses in happier times.

If you didn't watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night, you missed a giant entertaining mess. Among other highlights was this moment, which happened when Nicki Minaj won the Best Hip-Hop Video award. She took a moment out of her acceptance speech to call out the show's host, Miley Cyrus, for throwing shade at her during an interview:

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/vma/videos/miley-and-nicki-minaj-have-a-heated-moment-at-the-vmas/1235973/#id=1737437

Miley didn't quite know how to respond, as proven by this reaction shot:

https://vine.co/v/eIpa1ABQZ2l

Needless to say, the incident cast a pall over what should have been a triumphant night for Miley. She only had the heart to mention her love of weed 27 more times in the broadcast! It was like she was a completely different person.


4. President Obama, because he volunteered to hang out with Bear Grylls in the woods.

Still more pleasant than talking to Boehner.

President Obama is stopping at nothing these days to spread climate change awareness. Maybe he wants to create a sense of urgency that will carry over with the public as the next president totally ignores the issue. Regardless of his reasons, he must really be motivated. The White House just made an announcement that proves his commitment.

Sometime this year, the president will appear on an episode of the reality survival series Running Wild with Bear Grylls. Obama and Grylls (everyone's favorite sexy survivalist/heart-eater) will visit the Alaskan wilderness to talk climate change and eat worms or something. If he's willing to climb inside a dead moose to keep warm, maybe Obama will prove he's serious about the environment. But his greatest hardship will be hanging out with Bear Grylls, who isn't just annoying, but also a proven phony:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UpSlpvb1is

3. Six humans who'll be spending the next year stuck in a NASA dome.

Dome sweet dome.

How much would you love a Hawaiian vacation right now? What if that vacation lasted a whole year? And you spent it in a dome located in an abandoned quarry, locked inside with five other people? Sound good? Also, you have to put on a spacesuit to leave.

That's the treat in store for six volunteers taking part in NASA's Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation (or HI-SEAS) experiment. The experiment is meant to test the viability of a manned mission to Mars by simulating the experience of living in a Mars base right here on Earth. That means eating nothing but canned food, breathing nothing but canned air, and having nothing but canned conversations with the same five people for a full year. They won't even have full access to the Internet.

At least it has an eat-in kitchen. That's helpful when there's nowhere else to go.

The aim of HI-SEAS is to see if the "astronauts" will be able to get along, or if they'll try to murder each other and become sole despot of Mars. I give it three weeks.


2. Kanye West, because he announced he's running for president the one time there's already a more ridiculous candidate.

Not so fast, Yeezus.

If there's one thing Kanye West and Donald Trump have in common, it's that they hate being upstaged. And they have massive egos. And their own clothing lines. To be honest, they have a lot in common. But they definitely both hate being upstaged.

That's why it's so ironic that they both picked this year to announce they're running for president. Trump must be beside himself with rage right now to learn that another over-the-top public blowhard has thrown his hat into the ring, and Kanye will be equally angry when he picks up a paper for the first time in years and realizes that there's an even less viable candidate than himself in the race.

Granted, they probably won't be running against each other. Trump is running in the 2016 race, while Kanye just announced he'll run in 2020. The only way they'd be in competition is if Trump doesn't win this time (unthinkable) and runs again. But because they'd be up against the incumbent (Hillary, duh), they'd have to be competing for the nomination in the same party. And what party would consider nominating both of them? Easy: the Someecards party. Good luck, boys!


1. A zookeeper who called a pony-riding baboon a "cocksucker" on live TV.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX96RBUlWLY

Everyone who's worked with animals will tell you it can be very frustrating. But it's important not to lose your temper. Especially when you're on live TV.

Unfortunately, Bowmanville Zoo owner Michael Hackenberger didn't abide by that rule during a recent segment on Toronto's Breakfast Television show. While demonstrating a trick involving a baboon riding a miniature pony (is this a zoo or a circus?), the baboon decided he'd had enough and jumped off. Hackenberger took this failure personally, and cursed off the monkey pretty badly while his mic was still live. Here's a version with better audio:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJMTdlP82rs

Breakfast Television host Kevin Frankish commented afterward in this hard-nosed tweet:

https://twitter.com/KevinFrankish/status/637307538829148160

I'm sure Michael Hackenberger would point out that the animals actually failed him. And then he'd call someone a cocksucker.

10 kids who deserve extra credit for their smart-ass homework answers.

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They make homework less of a bummer for everyone.

Yes. Yes you are.

No matter how good of a student you were, certain stupid homework questions probably annoyed the heck out of you. "Explain how you got your answer," "Cite an example," "What's your opinion on X? Why?" They were all just so unnecessary and made everything seem longer and more tedious than it needed to be. Thankfully, these students have taken a stand against stupid questions (and, well, some regular questions, but still): Let's take a moment to honor their cheekiness, and the cheekiness they inspire in us everyday. 

1. This statement of fact.

Exactly.

2. This application of logic.

Ah, yes, the Piano-Nerd principle.

3. This amazing essay response. 

1,00000000 dollars?!

4. This declaration of ability. 

That was basically my answer to every question in elementary school.

5. This plan for world domination. 

Isn't that basically how FDR did it?

6. This sign of divine intervention.

God is the builder, and we are all merely Lego men.

7. This diss.

"Sorry, teach, it's just the answer I got."

8. This simple explanation.

It's a good strategy for most problems. 

9. This busybody's scheduling conflict.

Ain't nobody got time for remainders.

10. This call-out. 

It's a prism, right?

 

News anchors are terrified by their own segment on sharks.

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"Stuff summer." - My new catchphrase for never going outside.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSaZkHYmSdE

Australia's Today show is a web favorite, thanks to its amusing anchors Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson. That is on display again this week with this viral clip from this morning's show about how documentarians are getting closer than ever to sharks (full segment below). I don't blame them, however. Australians know better than most that Nature is not a big fan of people and is plenty happy to sting, bite, burn, poison, and devour you at any moment. Stuff summer, man. Stuff summer. 

Related: Morning show host absolutely loses it after co-host slips in a dirty joke.

http://www.9jumpin.com.au/show/today/videos/4453436672001/

 

No one can catch this wiener streaking across the baseball field.

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First, this incredible news: the Wiener Schnitzel weenie dog race exists.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=24&v=tRrib8eMFQA

What an incredibly stupid and fun event. Just setting a bunch of tiny dogs loose on the field? Perfect. We're so thankful that the El Paso Chihuahuas thought it was important to find out who the fastest wiener in El Paso is. There are wieners wagging all over the field, but one particular escapee has stolen our hearts along with third base. We cheered as that wiener slid all the way home. He's SAFE. 

Take us out to the ballgame, little wiener winner! We don't care if we never get back.


New York Jets quarterback publicly shamed for offensive comment he made about pizza.

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Bryce Petty, the new quarterback for the New York Jets, made an offhand tweet about pizza and his fans went crazy.

"Ayyy tough guy you gonna be a New Yorker you gotta eat our pizza ayyy!"

After leaning about Domino's new AnyWare system, which allows you to text Domino's a pizza emoji as a means of ordering pizza, he basically tweeted, "Whoa. That's cool."

https://twitter.com/b_petty14/status/637064967792029696

No big deal, right? Well, seeing as New York is the pizza capital of the world, and how as quarterback for the Jets it is Petty's duty to be unapologetically jingoistic about how amazing NY pizza is, his fans went off.

https://twitter.com/FredJohnson14/status/637066343167033344https://twitter.com/talmerian/status/637847741398282240https://twitter.com/Tadgho78/status/637117164500176896https://twitter.com/Doc__Ad/status/637082515430342657https://twitter.com/SwerdCenter/status/637307111706390530https://twitter.com/28JoeBarone/status/637066235411333122

Bryce was quick to realize what he had done, and issued the following apology:

https://twitter.com/b_petty14/status/637082516667662336

He also made a joke about the whole "scandal," after seeing that it was posted about online.

https://twitter.com/b_petty14/status/637340296242708480

This has been Pizzagate 2015. 

Ashley Madison brags about landing 80,000 new women who they pinky swear are not robots.

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"There's no such thing as bad publicity due to hackers releasing private data of our users." - Ashley Madison executives.

"Shh. Seriously, shh. Please be quiet."

First, hackers released private data about who was using website Ashley Madison for "discrete" dating, aka cheating. Then, we found out that Ashley Madison users were overwhelmingly men and robots. And now, Ashley Madison's parent company has released a statement about how chill everything is over at illicit robot affair headquarters. 

Avid Media is bragging that "hundreds of thousands" of new users have signed up even since the hack, and that 87,596 of them are women. Just ladies, ladies everywhere. Human ladies. And you know what's so sexy about them? How they're not bots.

Here's the full statement:

Recent media reports predicting the imminent demise of Ashley Madison are greatly exaggerated. The company continues its day-to-day operations even as it deals with the theft of its private data by criminal hackers. Despite having our business and customers attacked, we are growing. This past week alone, hundreds of thousands of new users signed up for the Ashley Madison platform – including 87,596 women.

Some journalists have turned the focus of the criminal act against Ashley Madison inside out, attacking us instead of the hackers. Last week, a reporter who claimed to analyze the stolen data made incorrect assumptions about the meaning of fields contained in the leaked data. This reporter concluded that the number of active female members on Ashley Madison could be calculated based on those assumptions. That conclusion was wrong.

Last week alone, women sent more than 2.8 million messages within our platform. Furthermore, in the first half of this year the ratio of male members who paid to communicate with women on our service versus the number of female members who actively used their account (female members are not required to pay to communicate with men on Ashley Madison) was 1.2 to 1. These numbers are the main reason that Ashley Madison is the number one service for people seeking discreet relationships.

We have customers in nearly every zip code in the United States, as well as users in more than 50 countries around the world. The Ashley Madison app is the 14th highest grossing app1 in the USA social networking category in the Apple App Store. Approximately 70 percent of our revenue on any given day is from members making repeat purchases. We think that shows happy customers on a consistent basis.

Ashley Madison is the number one service for real people seeking discreet encounters.  We invite everyone to visit our website or our app and make up their own mind.

Everyone? Even a single lady like me looking for a non-discreet wedding date for October who preferably is a robot? Is this the type of media inquiry I should direct to media@avidlifemedia.com?

This guy says his 19-inch penis is ruining his life, but it still kind of sounds like a brag.

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Roberto Esquivel Cabrera claims he has the world's biggest penis, and that it's the world's biggest headache.

Roberto Cabrera and his blessing/curse.

Many men have wished for an enormous penis, but few have considered the implications. Unfortunately, those implications are all too real for Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, a 52-year-old Mexican man who claims to have the world's largest rod.

Cabrera told Mexican newspaper Vanguardia that his penis is 48.2 centimeters long (almost 19 inches), and 25 centimeters in circumference around the tip (almost 10 inches). In response to threatened men who accuse him of lying before challenging him to a pushup contest, he provided the X-ray image you see above, which has quickly gone viral on Spanish-language media.

Despite what you may assume, Cabrera didn't share the image to brag – rather, he wants recognition for what he claims is a daily struggle. He even wants to be classified as disabled, because his enormous meaty prong renders him unable to work. He's been reduced to welfare and charity for food.

That does look pretty inconvenient.

Cabrera has reached out to the Guinness Book of World Records for recognition and a cash prize, but according to the UK's Daily Star, there is no such category (big mistake, Guinness). If there were, and his claims were verified, he'd be a shoo-in. Currently, Jonah Falcon is considered to be the record holder with his measly 13.5-inch unit.

Unlike Falcon, Cabrera says he's considered porn. He dreams of a large payday from that too, but so far he's had no interest from the industry. He may be overqualified – he claims that women are scared of his member, and he's unable to have any relationships at all. But can you blame them? That thing could do some serious damage.

Related: This guy has a 7-pound silicone-injected penis and you don't.

As for surgery, there could be hope. The International Business Times reports that Cabrera visited a Mexican hospital to have the X-ray taken, and that the doctors there figured out all but six inches of his penis is excess skin. It could possible be reduced with a shaft reduction operation – essentially the world's largest circumcision. Oy!

In the meantime, all this press may actually help Cabrera's chances for a normal life. His story is being turned into a book by a local Mexican newspaper. The title is perfect: El Sordido Pudor (Sordid Shyness).

Good luck, Señor Cabrera! You didn't ask for this life, but the true heroes are always the reluctant ones.

Here's a Spanish language video about his story for more context:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otnp6vAVxlk

 

This couple lived every office worker's dream by quitting their day jobs to scrub toilets around the world.

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A few months ago, a South African couple got a lot of attention for quitting their day jobs in advertising so they could travel the world. 

Don't worry, they're secretly miserable.

They started a blog documenting their experience called "How Far From Home," and the travel-porn quality of their Instagrams seems to suggest that they've been having a banging time:

https://instagram.com/p/5FHlUTLqLi/https://instagram.com/p/7D7ZVvrqHo/https://instagram.com/p/5fTW7dLqH4/?taken-by=howfarfromhome

Recently, however, they took to their blog to tell their fans that everything isn't just jumping into idyllic bodies of water:

It’s bloody amazing. But it’s not all ice-creams in the sun and pretty landscapes. Noooooo. So far, I think we’ve tallied 135 toilets scrubbed, 250 kilos of cow dung spread, 2 tons of rocks shovelled, 60 metres of pathway laid, 57 beds made, and I cannot even remember how many wine glasses we’ve polished.

So don’t let the bank of gorgeous photography fool you. Nuh uh. I am not at my fittest, slimmest or physically healthiest. We eat jam on crackers most days, get roughly 5hrs of sleep per night, and lug our extremely heavy bags through cobbled streets at 1am, trying to find our accommodation (because bus fares are not part of the budget, obviously).

As I always say, "Behind every beautiful Instagram, there's a story of hardship that we'll never know about."

Someone made an anonymous hotline for secrets. That's good because it would be weird to know who said these.

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It was thoroughly entertaining to hear these, but with a few nice exceptions knowing this about someone would definitely make things awkward.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CweJGVvvX7Q

Melbourne, Australia-based filmmaking group PLGRM crowdsourced the content for their latest project, if you will, by setting up a hotline (1800 797 338) for people to leave anonymous voicemails containing whatever secrets they wished to divulge. From family scandals to twisted musings to unrequited (or unaware) loves, it's pretty much exactly what you'd hope for (and also something that makes you hope you don't recognize anyone's voice).

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