Too soon.
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The 13 best reactions women ever had to unwanted dick pics.
If you're a woman who uses the Internet for any sort of communication, at some point some jerk is going to send you a dick pic.
You didn't ask for it, and you didn't want it. What can be done? Make him deeply regret being a dick and showing you his.
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8. Show him yours.
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MTV finally confirmed whether Nicki Minaj genuinely thinks Miley Cyrus is a bitch.
But who can say what is real and what is fantasy?
In case you missed it, Nicki Minaj went up on stage during the VMAs, and called Miley a big ole bitch. It was one of the more interesting moments in a show full of people trying to be the most interesting moment. Whether or not this "call out" was real has been hotly contested, but a press person from MTV has come out to say, yeah, Nicki does think Miley is a bitch:
It’s real, an MTV press spokesman confirmed to MTV News.
Like really, really real, you guys. As in not a stunt or a trick or a brilliant performance of award-show faux-beef.
We get the confusion. After all, MTV has had some fun in the past with staged stunts. Remember Brüno literally dropping in on Eminem at the ’09 MTV Movie Awards? But Sunday’s throwdown was no such stunt, as our reporters backstage and outside the dressing rooms can also confirm. So consider it official: the Nicki/Miley exchange was unscripted and real.
So, an MTV spokesperson confirmed to MTV news that it was not an MTV stunt? Pretty suspicious. This is why we need outside regulators for televised music, or there will never be any honesty in showbiz.
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Did Taylor Swift fart on camera during this moment at the VMAs? Grown adults want to know.
Can we please be mature and focus on important issues like whether or not Nicki Minaj's call-out of Miley Cyrus was fake?
On Sunday night at the VMAs, Taylor Swift and her Squad Cabinet members introduced her new music video for "Wildest Dreams." During the intro, a loud interrupting sound can be heard, and a lot of people are saying it's a fart. Here's the moment in question via BuzzFeed, who seem to be Team Fart:
Sure, Taylor looks kind of surprised and questioning, but that's her trademark. She always looks like that. Also, the sound is so loud. Just on a purely scientific level, could a fart sound not directed into the microphone realistically make such an impact? Look it up. In a science textbook. And finally, that sound could be literally anything in the world: Someone opening a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. A cartoon alarm clock exploding. Taylor's belly button escaping her pants.
In conclusion, Team No Fart, and let's never speak of this again.
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Article 17
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A pregnant French tourist is using Facebook to find the one-night stand who knocked her up.
When vacationing in Australia, be certain to keep an eye out for sharks, and wear condoms when having sex with strangers so you don't have to make a public plea for help finding the father of your unborn baby.
Natalie Amyot, a French tourist, claims that she met the man of her dreams on the last night of her vacation on the Sunshine Coast of Queensland, Australia. After returning to Paris and realizing she was pregnant, she released a YouTube video in an attempt to find the guy. She writes on YouTube:
My name is Natalie and Im trying to find a guy I met in Mooloolaba. We had a lovely night, met him in O’malleys then went to Wharf Tavern. He is about 6ft tall he was tanned and had blue eyes with blond hair. I really need to find him, I came back from France to find him as am pregnant and really want to meet him again. If he doesn’t want to know then thats ok but I really want to try and find him. I lost my phone with his details and had to fly the next day back home so couldn’t do anything......please, please help me xx
You see, Amyot had no choice but to turn to social media because she lost her phone with his number in it (which is tragic, because he most certainly would've texted her back). This definitely isn't a hoax, even though the details of it are somewhat hard to believe, like that she can't remember the guy's name even though it was love at first sight. Or that she spent her last pennies to return to Australia to find the guy.
She's currently in Queensland, and you can follow her progress on Facebook [UPDATE: Her page has been taken down], where she is posting emotional updates like this one:
It seems some commenters on her Facebook page are skeptical of Amyot's story, but we're sure she'll find the guy soon and this will all be over. After all, how many Australian guys could there be who are tall, blonde and tan?
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Watch this news reporter realize he's about to be famous on the Internet for embarrassing himself.
This is Brad Wills of Fox 5 San Diego News, and he's about to meet his nemesis on live TV. A giant bug.
Brad Wills got a little scared by a big bug this morning on live TV: go.kswbtv.com/1EqaBeN
Posted by Fox 5 San Diego on Friday, August 28, 2015
Cruel fate, to fly a giant bug into the face of Mr. Wills right in the middle of his news segment! Why is it always so funny when a news reporter completely loses it? Aside from the giggle we get out of laughing at the misfortune of others (minor misfortune, geez!), it's probably because of how people on the news always seem like such stiff automatons. They all speak in the same cadence. Have the same spray-on tan. Think really boring local events are improved by puns. It's unnerving.
When this guy briefly loses it, he becomes human for a moment. He's scared of bugs. We're scared of bugs. He's embarrassed. That's understandable. He's going to go viral on the Internet. We're not. Ha ha!
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BBC reporter has embarrassing public whalegasm after spotting a blue whale.
BBC presenter Steve Backshall proved just how thirsty he was to see a whale.
Steve Backshall was conducting an interview with whale expert Doris Welch off Monterey, California, when his greatest dream came true. A majestic blue whale was spotted by the BBC's nearby helicopter. It was actually the first time one was ever caught on live TV. As with any whale watching expedition, Backshall hadn't expected to actually see anything, so naturally, he was excited. So excited, in fact, that he totally lost his cool and abandoned the interview.
Related: BBC host saying how hard it is to find blue whales gets perfectly interrupted by blue whale.
You have to feel a little bad for Doris Welch. Backshall could have turned back to her to relate some information about the whales instead of ignoring her and listing all the whale facts he had on hand. On the other hand, he was probably just caught up in the moment. It's hard to make rational journalistic decisions like that in the middle of a whalegasm.
Related: This guy went whale watching, couldn't find the whales, and then the whales found him.
In the end, it's better to overreact to a whale than to not react at all. You don't want to wind up like this loser.
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Tyga's new music video is pretty much just about having sex with Kylie Jenner.
Your favorite Drake-hating, Chris Brown-loving rapper responded to the criticism surrounding his relationship with Kylie Jenner in the most respectful way possible.
The music video for "Stimulated," Tyga's new song about having sex with an 18-year-old, feels like a parody of a rap video. The majority of the shots are of Tyga leaning on stuff in his mansion while smoking a blunt and looking contemplative:
And of course, he raps about having sex with Kylie throughout:
They say she young, I should've waited
She a big girl, dog when she stimulatedShe a big girl, dog
Fuck what they talkin' about, nigga
She a big girl, dog
I'm gonna do what the fuck I wanna do when I wanna do
She a big girl, dog
I'm puttin' in, I'm penetratin'
I'm gettin' big, I'm stimulated
Oh! Yeah, I forgot to mention: Kylie comes over and he gives her a piggy back ride.
All in all, it looks like they had a fun playdate.
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It's Harry Potter's son's first day at Hogwarts, according to the world's most respected Twitter troll.
Rowling is tweeting again. Here we go.
Remember at the end of the Harry Potter books/movies, when we flashed 19 years into the future and read about/saw our favorite Gryffindor goofballs all grown up? Harry has Dad glasses, and some children, and haunting recurring nightmares about Fred Weasley's horrific death. Well, according to J.K. Rowling, who loves dropping shocking Harry Potter tweets and watching as everyone freaks out in her social media wake, today is his son's first day at Hogwarts.
At this very moment, James Sirius Potter is on his way to Hogwarts. FYI, that's not the little pipsqueak we saw freaking out about getting sorted into Slytherin at the end of the movie. That was Harry's youngest son, Albus, who is on the left in the photo below. Today, we're talking about the other dude on the right.
There's so much information you learn when you're a child, and there's truly no way to predict what you'll end up needing to know later in life.
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Article 11
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Hoity toity kitty is too good for stairs, forces humans to make him an elevator.
This cat is like the witch in Rapunzel.
In Russia, cat trains you.
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Back to school.
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You'll want to swipe left on this guy who trolls women with bad jokes on Tinder.
Some guy named Ryne is big on Reddit for surprising women on Tinder with non sequitur jokes that are lol so random.
It used to be that Tinder was the domain of thirsty men and women trying to have meaningless hookups. These days, most of the people you'll meet on there just want to screenshot your conversation and go viral on the Internet with it. If they don't want to expose you as a sexist, they just want to troll you and share your confused reaction. Either way, the lesson is clear – don't put anything on Tinder you don't want going public. And that includes your profile picture.
This guy Ryne has gone viral several times in the past for sharing his Tinder trolling efforts on Reddit, where he goes by platypus_sodomy (the only name more embarrassing than "Ryne"). He claims this is his last batch of Tinder antics for the foreseeable future, but he's going out with a whimper.
It seems like Ryne's fame is getting ahead of him. Maybe that's why he's throwing in the towel – he cried wolf too many times and can't get a real date anymore.
What is it that's so offensive about this whole bit? Is it sexist? No, just obnoxious. Is it that he's invading these women's privacy? Yes, but not criminally. Really, it's just that these jokes are lame. Very lame.
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Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer expecting twin girls to arrive in Q3.
She'll take limited time off because she is superhuman.
Marissa Mayer said that she's pregnant with identical twin girls via her Tumblr account, a very fitting way to deliver the announcement from a Silicon Valley leader. As an engineer and computer nerd, she of course found a way to include some math with the good news:
"The twins part was quite a surprise, because I have no family history of twins or any other predisposing factors. However, as I’ve now learned, identical twins occur by random chance in roughly 1 out of approximately every 300 pregnancies. Zack and I have embraced the surprise and are very excited about these new additions to our family."
Never slowing down, she plans to manage the twin girls just like she did with her first child.
"Since my pregnancy has been healthy and uncomplicated and since this is a unique time in Yahoo’s transformation, I plan to approach the pregnancy and delivery as I did with my son three years ago, taking limited time away and working throughout. I’ve shared the news and my plans with Yahoo’s Board of Directors and my executive team, and they are incredibly supportive and happy for me."
Congratulations to Marissa and her family. We hope to one day learn how and where she finds more than 24 hours in a day.
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Australian talking bird verbally abuses dog who just wants to be his friend.
Congratulations on naming your bird Eric, you severely Australian people, you. Eric is always the funniest possible name for an animal.
Eric the Corella does not like the family dog. This is kind of a shame, because the family dog really likes Eric. The fact that the dog cannot take a hint, however, is no excuse for the bird to spit at him and suddenly yell "f*ck off, c*nt!" That's verbal abuse. Then, the bird calls him stupid and cheeky. On the other hand, also featured in this video is a Vegemite blanket, which of course is the highest civilian honor bestowed by the Australian government. And as we all know, all these words are commonly viewed as terms of endearment among our cheeky c*nt cousins down under, the Aussies. So maybe these two actually love each other. Maybe they just need some Vegemite.
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Is this Instagram-famous doctor too hot for you to show him your weird foot thing?
"Doctor, doctor, give me the news, I got a bad case of crabs I'm embarrassed to tell you about."
Hey, Dr. Mike is gorgeous, no question. But what if you need to get naked and show him a rash somewhere on your body? You won't be so happy to have a hot doctor then. Dr. Mike isn't just handsome; he's the embodiment of a contemporary romance hero. It's ridiculous.
He has an adorable dog:
He paints:
He cooks:
He's good with kids:
He's committed to charity:
He has a sense of humor:
He wears the hell out of a suit:
He knows Zac Efron?:
Honestly, when does this man have time for actual doctoring? He's too busy making us all fall in love with him to prescribe mega-strength laxatives or diagnose your pink eye. Apparently, Dr. Mike's only a second year resident in New York City, so there's still a chance that he'll just go play a doctor on TV and get projected into all our living rooms. That's how we like our hot doctors: fake!
Also...looks like he has a girlfriend, who is also super hot. She's probably a rocket scientist or proctologist, or something.
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Young waitress becomes local celebrity after picking up the tab for someone "putting up the biggest fight."
This story will help you see the good in both teenagers and New Jersey.
17-year-old Daniela Bossi works in a pizza shop in Hamilton, New Jersey. When her family friends Rick and Annette Lewallen came in for a slice last week, Daniela left them a sweet note and covered the bill using her tips as a kind gesture to the couple because Rick is battling brain cancer.
The note read, "For putting up the biggest fight, this one is on me." Rich and Annette were so moved they thanked Daniela for her kind words on Facebook, saying "The world is a better place because of people like you."
Annette told NJ.com that Rick is "a real positive guy," and he's been staying upbeat and active through his experimental cancer treatment at Memorial Sloane Kettering.
Of her act of generosity, Daniela said she thought "it was something so small," and she "didn't think it was any big deal." Thanks to the Internet, a ton of news outlets have picked up the story, and it is totally a big deal! Teenagers being awesome is definitely the stuff we like to see go viral.
Oh, and in case you're worried about Daniela spending all her tips because waitresses literally make less than minimum wage, the pizza shop reimbursed her for the Lewallen's meal. Thumbs up to everyone involved in this story!
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Why did it take so long for people to realize Kanye West and Donald Trump are the same person?
Jimmy Kimmel Live put the two celebuticians' campaign speeches side-by-side and found eerie similarities.
Ever since Kanye West announced he's running for president (in four years), people have been wondering what his campaign will look like. Well, as Jimmy Kimmel pointed out last night, we already have a clue. It'll probably look a lot like Donald Trump's, considering they're both arrogant blowhard celebrities with over-the-top personas and no filter. His staff even edited together footage of the two to prove how shockingly similar they are.
It's an eye-opening montage, but Jimmy Kimmel Live wasn't actually the first to point out the connection. That story was actually broken right here at Someecards, in yesterday's edition of "5 people having a worse Monday than you." Not to brag or anything.
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The UK's national sperm bank has run into a hilarious problem.
They only have 9 registered donors.
You would think that people would jump at the opportunity to sell their bodily fluids for money, but that isn't the case when it comes to Britain's national sperm bank. (There are other UK sperm banks, but this one was specifically set up to address a national shortage of sperm in the National Health System.) Inspired by a similar advertising campaign that was successful in Denmark, they have been forced to appeal to our (frail) notions of masculinity in order to attract more donors:
Laura Witjens, the chief executive, says the sperm bank will launch a drive to recruit new donors later in September, inspired by the success of Denmark’s booming sperm banks which market themselves by appealing to male vanity.
“If I advertised saying ‘Men, prove your worth, show me how good you are’, then I would get hundreds of donors,” she said. “That’s the way the Danish do it."
Because making a guy insecure about his masculinity is actually the best way to get him to do something for you. Part of the reason they getting donors might be difficult has to do with the comprehensive screening process. Donors have to have strong sperm, and according to the bank's chief executive, Laura Witjens:
Getting an approved donor on the books requires a man to come to the clinic twice a week for up to four months, refraining from sex or masturbation for two days before each visit and then be tested again after six months.
It's also incredibly selective. Witjens also said that “If 100 guys enquire, 10 will come through for screenings and maybe one becomes a donor. It takes hundreds of guys." That means that out of those 9 donors they have, there's another 900 who might've initially reached out to the center, but didn't end up actual donors.
It also doesn't help that the demand for sperm has shot-up in the last few years, due to same-sex couples and older women wanting children more and more. For the former population, there's been a 20% increase in sperm-seekers since 2013. This has caused English-sperm seekers to reach out to other countries (Mainly Denmark. F*cking Denmark), which England doesn't like—they want their citizens getting impregnated with good ol' home-grown British sperm. It's like American Apparel, but in England and with sperm.
Does this mean those 9 guys have hundreds of kids? Well, no, not exactly. Unlike Denmark, where many British women travel in search of sperm, Britain limits sperm donors to 10 offspring, so the offspring don’t have to live life worried about boning their half-brothers or sisters by accident. In Denmark, donors regularly have 150-200 offspring, which is kind of uh, weird.
I know what else you're thinking; does that mean 9 lucky men are making a living by jizzing into cups? Not really. You only get paid 35 pounds per visit (~$50), and they aren't planning on changing that. It just looks like they need more men to come around to the idea of donating. Come on, guys! All the cool kids are doing it!
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