Article 23
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Little girls gave clueless dudes excellent advice for texting women that they should definitely take.
Every little girl dreams of growing up and getting the perfect text from the guy she likes.
So it makes sense that Cosmo had (adorable) little girls give texting advice to some hapless gentlemen. They're full of wisdom about what women want to hear: compliments, straight talk, and jokes about ducks.
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Obama commented on a Humans of New York photo because he wastes as much time on Facebook as all of us.
That's a nice endorsement for your blog.
Humans of New York is a massively popular photo blog that headed to Iran this summer, and a recent post caught the eye of President Obama. The picture featured a young Iranian boy and his father, along with a story from the proud parent telling how he knew his son would be a humanitarian when the boy gave away a bag of fruit he was asked to hold.
It was so touching that it compelled a fellow proud parent who happens to be the President of the United States to leave a comment.
"One of the most fulfilling things that can happen to you as a parent is see the values you've worked to instill in your kids start to manifest themselves in their actions -- and this one really resonated with me."
Whenever the President himself is signing a social media post, he always includes his initials, "bo." Brandon Stanton, the photographer behind Humans of New York, is having very good luck with the side project he started after he lost his finance job back in 2010.
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A woman complained on a restaurant's Facebook page, and they let her know exactly how sorry they weren't.
Jennifer Bennett bought a Groupon for the Lusitano Restaurant in Manchester, U.K.
She made a reservation for a Friday night, but when she arrived, they were closed. Disappointed, she left them the following message on their Facebook page:
Had a table booked for Friday at 7:30, turned up and you were closed?! I've e-mailed you about it and still awaiting a response and there's no answer when I call! After spending £6.50 on a taxi to Chorlton we ended up having to eat elsewhere so it was not the cheap night out we had hoped for! And having read some recent reviews on here I"m not even sure if I actually want to redeem my Groupon voucher now... Although Hotspot Ess Paradies round the corner was a good find so not a completely wasted evening!
Whoever works the Lusitano Facebook page addressed her complaints in the most elegant way possible:
just f*ck off lady
The post was deleted, but not before the Internet could screenshot it.
I wish other companies could be this straightforward about how shitty their customer service is. It's way better than when they beat around the bush and pretend like they care. Hats off to you, Lusitano, you a**holes.
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Because you've been very good, here's a video of the guy with the 19-inch penis.
A controversial new video shows the man who may have the world's largest wang. (Super duper NSFW)
In the last week, the Internet has fallen in love with the story of Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, the 52-year-old Mexican man who claims he has a 19-inch penis. In our first report, we told you how Cabrera says his enormous organ has ruined his life, preventing him from getting a job or a girlfriend, and making it impossible for him to even kneel in church.
Despite his woes, many suspected that Cabrera was making up his whole story. His only proof was an X-ray image that not everyone found convincing. Hoping to settle this raging mystery, TMZ has obtained exclusive video of Cabrera posing and pulling off all sorts of playful antics with his giant tube. Here's the video – be forewarned that it's pretty graphic, although the penis is wrapped in some sort of cock sock (more like a windsock).
Unfortunately, this footage hasn't quelled the controversy yet. Some are still claiming that Cabrera is a fraud, and his weird stocking/ACE bandage combo is actually stuffed with dirty laundry or something.
Personally, we're inclined to believe it, if for no other reason than the fact he was examined at a hospital. Of course, the doctors there said that the length of his penis is actually due to an enlarged foreskin, and his penile tissue is normal in size. Still, a technicality like that won't prevent him from the fame he's due.
Previously, Cabrera had said he was interested in appearing in pornography to help himself out financially, but hadn't had any bites from the industry. As his story has gone viral, that's changed. TMZ reports that Vivid Entertainment has contacted him to negotiate the terms for a sex tape, but the process is being delayed by the language barrier. I'm sure it's difficult for Cabrera to describe the specifics of how his anatomy works to even a native Spanish speaker, so it might take a while.
In the meantime, this video will have to do. What do you think? Is it real? Is it everything you'd hoped for? Let's hope so, because we never want this Cinderella story to end.
Hungry for more penis content? Check out these related posts:
- This guy has a 7-pound silicone-injected penis and you don't.
- Insecure scientists had women choose their ideal penis. The results were blessedly reassuring.
- We scored and ranked all the celebrity penises we've accidentally seen lately.
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Here's hoping nothing like this disturbing prank happens on your road trip this weekend.
This is the worst possible outcome of reaching toward the backseat to hold the hand of your loved one.
You're embarking on a nice weekend getaway with the people who matter most in the world. You make the kind gesture of extending your loving hand to someone in the back of the car, hoping to get a warm response. And you do! Without even looking back, you feel the embrace of their hand in yours. But wait. Why is their hand so cool and calloused? Why are their fingers unable to fully grasp yours? OH MY GOD IS THAT A FOOT? Get out of the car, because we are over. Goodbye forever!
This is the probable story of Redditor trixy_mia, who posted these photos of a very unfortunate car prank. The woman's facial expression really says it all.
Enjoy your holiday weekend everybody! I hope no one assaults you with their feet, so you don't have to disown them.
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Article 17
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Have fun at your Labor Day barbecue and try to avoid repeating these fiery disasters.
It's Labor Day weekend, and you're probably smart enough to handle the simple concept of cooking food outdoors.
But remember that it involves fire, fire-starting chemicals, and humans, all of which can lead to dumb (but totally hilarious) grilling accidents.
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Remember: lighter fluid is flammable.
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Could've been real trouble if they'd hit that cop car.
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Blatantly ignoring his bracelet's request to "live strong."
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This seat's taken.
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This video is slightly better than Kazaam.
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Next time, wear an apron.
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Nevermind.
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In happy Duggar news for a change, Jessa tweeted a pic of her baby bump.
Great news: not every article about the Duggars has to make you feel sad and weird.
Earlier this week, Jessa Seewald (formerly Duggar) spoke out against her creep-o brother, Josh Duggar. (As you probably heard, he recently had averybadweek.) Now, the former 19 Kids and Counting star is tweeting about something much happier: her soon-to-be born baby. She posted a picture of her baby bump on Twitter and wrote "31 weeks 4 days!" After everything she's been through with her family, it's so nice to see her back to being a heart-eyed emoji.
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Miley Cyrus appeared on the cover of 'Interview,' and you can probably guess what she wore.
This "interview" is riveting.
Miley Cyrus did some very NSFW topless sext exchanges with Mert Alas at Interview, because that's her thing and good for her. It's part of their #Me issue, which features eight alternative covers with self portraits of the most popular social media personalities. They “wanted to see how they see themselves and how they want to be seen.” So basically they printed Instagram as a magazine. Mert did a similar shoot with Kim Kardashian, which qualifies him as having the most unique career in the world. If your job is fashion photography specializing in topless women, Miley is where it's at right now.
Here are some relatively safe-for-work censored versions. If you haven't seen Miley's nipples yet, check em out over at Interview.
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Article 13
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Kate Hudson nobly tries to entice Jennifer Aniston to get on Instagram with this selfie.
Kate Hudson boldly addresses the problem that no one is talking about.
In our current political climate, it's hard to stay engaged with every single issue. But we can't let important initiatives fall through the cracks just because it's the easy thing to do. There is a very real crisis facing America: Jennifer Aniston is not on Instagram. This is not the time to sit back and do nothing. That is why model citizen Kate Hudson should be commended for this new selfie, which features both her own self and another self: Jennifer Aniston. Hudson includes the hashtag #LetsConvinceJenToGetOnInstagram, and commenters got right on board. Thank you for doing this important work!
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This racist soap dispenser is what's wrong with American bathrooms.
Institutional racism runs so deep, even the machines are in on it. Disgraceful.
If you've ever doubted the reality of racism in America, doubt no more. We don't know how this soap dispenser was designed to exclude blacks, but it's foolproof and disgusting. Do only white people deserve clean hands? It's 2015, people!
You may think some quirk of how the two men were holding their hands was responsible, and they anticipated that. They made a second video to prove this is active discrimination.
Are we on a slippery slope back to segregated bathrooms? Not if we stand up to these racist fixtures while we have a chance. Next time you see an automatic soap dispenser in any bathroom, break it. History will thank you.
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The definitive ranking of sleeping positions, as depicted by some very uncomfortable-looking dolls.
8. On your back.
Sure, it can get the job done, but it’s pretty boring. Who do you think you are? A character in Little House on the Prairie who has to sleep with her sister on the tiny bed that Pa made? Have fun with the post-nasal drip.
7. The Thrasher.
You throw punches and kicks all night without knowing it, turning so much in your sleep you wake up wearing your sheets as a toga. Do all your dreams take place in the mosh pit at a Pearl Jam concert?
6. Spooning.
Yeah, it’s romantic, but have fun with the morning breath. I’ll bet you are the kind of couple that takes zany engagement photos like one of you is pretending to squish the other in his fingers as you stand off in the distance.
5. The Runner.
As if your bed was a hieroglyphics panel depicting a marathon, you have one leg bent and the other back. What are you running from, friend?
4. Fetal position.
It’s like being back inside a warm womb, where your mother brings you endless nourishment, comfort, and warmth, where you didn’t have a responsibility or care in the world. By the way, why are you so obsessed with your mother?
3. The Hamster Nest.
I learned this from the pet hamsters I had when I was a child. Before they sleep, they build up a barrier of wood shavings around them and snuggle in. When you use pillows in this way, it feels like you are sleeping on a cloud. Be warned: sometimes you don’t have the pillow quantity required or your significant other may not want to be sleeping with someone that takes cues from hamsters.
2. The Pillow Hugger.
No, it doesn’t mean that you are using the pillow as a substitute significant other; it means you’re happily cuddling with something that doesn’t expect anything from you afterwards. There’s also something nice about having one hand hidden, so you can hold onto a weapon or even better, a snack.
1. Dead Man's Float.
You are face down, arms and legs slightly spread, as if you are floating on the water. Because you are a highly evolved human, you also have the foresight to leave one bare foot sticking out of the covers to regulate the temperature, just as you would open a window to catch a crossbreeze. You crafty genius, you. Sweet dreams.
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Article 9
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Selena Gomez poses in bra, tights on Instagram to promote fan event, her boobs.
She's definitely channeling her inner Kardashian-Jenner.
The ever-youthful former Disney kid Selena Gomez posted this picture of herself in some underwear. She's wearing one of those bras that has extra straps all over the place to draw more attention to the boob area. Plus she's leaning against a mirror. It's all very sexy. Selena does lots of hot things, like eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos while wearing a white robe, which is very dangerous because what if she gets it on the robe?
The lingerie pic is to promote a "special fan event" for her upcoming album Revival, which leaves me with more questions than answers. What is a "fan event?" Will she be wearing underwear for it? Will she be giving away underwear? Will fans get to look at themselves in the mirror and contemplate how much they adore Selena Gomez? As a very sweaty person, the only "fan event" I want to attend is one where you get cooled off by a room full of fans until you're cold enough to eat some hot pizza.
Here's the teaser for the event, whatever it is:
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9 of the most hilariously inappropriate outfits students wore to high school in teen movies.
Teenagers in movies wear wildly inappropriate clothing to school, and for that, they should be celebrated.
The following individuals are true role models, showing us we can wear whatever the hell we want, even if we sometimes have to do things we don't want to do, like go to high school. They teach us by example, and they inspire us to do better.
1. Amber's dollar sign sailor cap and matching blazer in Clueless
She looks like she should be reporting for duty as a rich boat captain instead of sitting in a boring classroom, but she's definitely not wearing the same outfit as anyone else.
2. Laney Bogg's paint-splattered smock in She's All That
This young woman is so into her art that she is legit covered in paint, wearing a smock, and carrying around multiple canvases during the school day. Do you!
3. Kathryn's cocaine-filled cross in Cruel Intentions
It looks on-theme with the rest of her Catholic school uniform, but it's definitely not. She made it her own.
4. The Plastics' talent show outfits in Mean Girls
Your antiquated dress codes have no bearing on talent show costumes. Check the handbook.
5. Olive's scarlet letter in Easy A
Her clothes serve as a feminist literary rebellion, so you know she did the homework.
6. Mandella's Shakespearean dress in 10 Things I Hate About You
Girl's so obsessed with Shakespeare that she dresses like it's the 1600s. Unlike most high school kids, who dress like it's the 1990s.
7. The Heathers' blazers in Heathers
Maybe this is just what was up in the eighties, but it's pretty powerful to come to homeroom dressed like a quirky COO instead of a child with no money or authority.
8. Josie's first-day-of-school outfit in Never Been Kissed
When you pretend to be a teenager, you go all out. And that's speaking from experience.
9. Everything Cher wears in Clueless
From her spaghetti strap gym uniform to her mini skirt suits, Cher has a computerized closet's worth full of not giving a fuck.
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Chris Pratt and Anna Faris debate their potty training fail on Twitter.
When partners have different ideas about child-rearing, it's important to talk about them. On Twitter.
A-list marriage collaborators Anna Faris and Chris Pratt exchanged ideas on potty training via Twitter. First, Faris shared a photo of their three-year-old son, Jack, fully peeing his pants on a sunny sidewalk. She tagged Pratt and wrote, "Potty training is going so great! I'm a natural!"
Pratt replied, "Those are swim shorts. Put him in the pool and that's perfectly acceptable behavior. I'm proud of both of you."
What an apt insight about the vastly differing societal norms regarding peeing one's pants inside or out of a swimming pool. A lot of people don't think about that. Chris Pratt is basically a philosopher, just like his Parks and Rec character.
It's also very sweet not to embarrass a kid over an accidental pee mishap, though it's possible that one day he might become upset that this moment was shared with over two million followers.
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Article 5
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Woman completely loses it over wrong kebab order, gets instant comeuppance.
"Hey! If you want to be polite to the customer, then you speak English to the customer in America."
We enter this horrific scene with very little context. The only information attached to the YouTube video is the title "Angy Hot Kebab Girl Meltdown" and the description "Crazy girl has meltdown over Kebabs."
But it quickly becomes clear this isn't about kebabs. It's not about getting green peppers instead of red peppers like she requested ("My kids don't eat green things!"). It's certainly not about the two women speaking to each other in "whatever language" and leaving her out. If it was, then she would probably agree to their suggestion that they make her a new kebab, with red peppers.
It's about being at the point in your life where you have no better outlet for your frustrations than to yell "What are you gonna do about it [the red pepper request]?" at strangers in a restaurant, before pushing your way out the door. Because this is America and you get it right the first time.
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