A holiday miracle would be still fitting into my clothes after the holidays.
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I'm sorry I ruined Christmas by correctly guessing my gifts.
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My New Year's resolution is to clean up my apartment and my life.
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Thanks for waiting until after Christmas to throw my card away.
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I hope your Kwanzaa is filled with people not asking what Kwanzaa is.
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Let's drink to how many opportunities there are for drinking wine during the holidays.
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My New Year's resolution is to better disguise my poor life choices.
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Please refrain from tagging me in holiday party photos because I need to keep my job next year.
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Thanks for spending your parents' hard-earned money on me.
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Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.
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Since you're sick, it may be safer if we don't kiss and just go directly into oral sex.
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This year let's resolve to make better bad decisions.
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I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.
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My New Year's resolution is to do you more and do me less.
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My New Year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.
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I'd be much more scared of getting the flu if all my social interactions weren't on the Internet.
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Let's never speak of 2013 again.
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My New Year's resolution is to remind you that everyone's replaceable.
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I spend countless hours picking out which outfit I'm going to throw up on New Year's Eve.
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You were by far the best and only sex I had in 2013.
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