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Article 138


Forget everything you know about Pizza Rat. Double Pizza Rat is here.

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If you've been on the Internet recently (and you have), you know about Pizza Rat. The short video of a plucky little rat carrying an entire slice of cheese pizza down the steps of the New York City Subway has taken the world by storm. It's already been adapted as a hashtag, a Halloween costume, and a song that will get definitely stuck in your head. We certainly hope you enjoyed that rat's brief moment in the (underground) sun, because it's now irrelevant. Witness the dawn of Double Pizza Rat.

https://instagram.com/p/8mKPXVKJAC/

Jonathen Lewd uploaded this video to Instagram on Thursday night. What you think you're seeing is real. That's two rats on the subway tracks having a tug-of-war over a slice of pizza. From Lewd's caption, you can tell he understood the significance of what he was doing:

I win today, interwebs.
#subwayrat #teampizza #pizzarat #pizzaparty

He has certainly won. But he left out the most important hashtag, the one that will come to define our generation for all time: #DoublePizzaRat. Or maybe it should be #DoubleRatPizza. After all, there are two rats, not two slices of pizza. Whatever—we can let history decide that one.

‘How To Get Away With Murder’ finally revealed who was behind the dumbest sounding alias in TV history.

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Last night on How To Get Away With Murder, we finally found out the identity of the person with the silliest code name imaginable: Eggs 911. It was satisfying to get some answers, but it's disappointing to never again get to think or say the amazing sentence, "Who is Eggs 911?"

[Obviously, as you should really know by now, How To Get Away With Murder spoilers follow.] In last season's finale, angsty but innocent murder defendant Rebecca was kidnapped by her lawyer/our protagonist Annalise Keating. Rebecca sent a mysterious S.O.S. text from to an unknown number that said "Eggs 911. Lawyer's house." Wait, who?

https://twitter.com/nohemayeee/status/648001646363062272

Then Rebecca either disappeared or got murdered, depending on if you know the truth or not. And our hot law student ensemble started going bonkers.

https://twitter.com/MusicAndYouTube/status/647231382285099008

So who is Eggs 911? Is it that mysterious hot man who was jonesing to see people's cell phones in the courthouse from last week? No. That's Rebecca's foster brother, who reveals that "Eggs" is...Rebecca! It was a nickname he gave her after a traumatizing incident with their foster dad involving licking eggs off the floor. And the "911" was a cry for help due to the whole being kidnapped situation. 

How did Twitter react to the news? With lots of emojis, relief, and new questions.

https://twitter.com/violadavis/status/652317536650854401https://twitter.com/RestingPlatypus/status/652270940781350912https://twitter.com/kendrick38/status/652315433677160448https://twitter.com/trishroj/status/652473109170143233https://twitter.com/MichiRoxas/status/652374297776816128https://twitter.com/monicajoyy/status/652359951726215168https://twitter.com/yujerion/status/652364111456501760https://twitter.com/stacylange/status/652316994625212416

Onto the next mystery: Who is "Tiffany," and why doesn't she have a catchier nickname?

These best friends saw each other naked for the first time and reacted like you wouldn't.

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These besties saw each their naked for the first time and thus took their friendship to the next level. In this video produced by BuzzFeed Yellow, the participants stood behind a curtain, waiting in anticipation before dropping their robes and instantly entering into a new echelon of intimacy. It was less weird than you'd expect; they complimented each other's boobs, nipples, and vaginas, and enjoyed the fact that they've gotten past the whole "let's-only-hang-out-with-our-clothes-on" phase of their relationships. Call up your best friend and give it a try!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lR-3WM31biQ

 

Turns out Alec Baldwin is a goofy dad who texts his daughter embarrassing stuff, too.

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Alec Baldwin and his daughter Ireland Basinger-Baldwin have had some past instances of difficult child-parent relations, most notably when he called his daughter a "rude and thoughtless pig" in a leaked voicemail. Though he's notoriously hot-headed, it seems like Alec and Ireland have really improved their relationship. In an Instagram post, Ireland shared a text message conversation between the two, where he does what all good dads do: tease their daughters about boys. Alec sends her a link to a gossip item about Ireland's "date" with director Tao Ruspoli, then makes a bunch of dad jokes about weddings and babies.

https://instagram.com/p/8lDWmGEoJe/?taken-by=bootsiedonjuan

Wow, Ireland, seems awesome to have your dad back in your life! Just kidding. Healthy family relationships involve rolling your eyes at someone occasionally.

https://instagram.com/p/7v05OhkoK-/?taken-by=bootsiedonjuan

 

Article 133

New study says vegetarians are weak liars, 1/3 of whom eat meat when they're drunk.

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A new study reports that 1 in 3 vegetarians eat meat when they're drunk. This very serious, very scientific study was conducted by Voucher Codes Pro, a discount code website in the U.K. It probably has nothing to do with the fact they have some hot, limited-time deals on hamburgers near a bunch of pubs. It could just be that they staff a seasoned team of pollsters alongside their rigorous statisticians. They took a poll of 1,789 Brits who claim to be practicing vegetarians and found that 37% admitted to eating meat when drunk.

Just one fry before I devour this meat like a cheetah catching a gazelle. 

When asked how often the rule breakers ate meat, the responses varied. 34% said every time they drink, 26% said fairly often, 22% said rarely, and 18% said occasionally. And as for the drunken prizes they just can't resist after they've hoisted too many pints, drunk Brits go for kebabs first, followed by burgers, bacon, fried chicken, and pork sausages. That pretty much covers all the meats. And for the record, no one actually knows what type of meat is served on a kebab from a street vendor.

The real mystery is how one drunkenly texts their ex with the greasy fingers brought on by those ridiculous late-night meat snacks. It must make the texts even more incomprehensible, that is, if the texter can even manage not to drop their phone.

Students play Fairy Godmother, surprise their favorite cafe worker with the trip of a lifetime.

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It's exciting to have a viral story about college students that is not another hazing scandal. Millennials can be generous too, and they use the internet for good sometimes!

Elon University students Lucy Smith-Williams and Taylor Zisholtz wanted to honor the caring cafe worker at their campus coffee shop, so they rallied the community together to make her dream of going to Disney World come true. Kathryn Thompson has worked at the campus's Acorn Cafe for over a decade, with shifts ending at 2 AM. Smith-Williams and Zisholtz set up a GoFundMe campaign to help send Thompson and her family to the Happiest Place on Earth.

From Elon to EPCOT.

"I really took to her warmth," Zisholtz says of Thompson, "She was very invested in where we were from, what we were doing, and when she said ‘It’s my dream,’ I thought, 'Well there’s 6,000 people here with at least a dollar. We could probably make this happen.'" They managed to raise half of the fund in just three days, and GoFundMe employee John Jin was so moved by the story that he pitched in $1000 himself.

Thompson has been such a staple of the Elon campus that alumni donated as well. 

According to the Elon Pendulum, "It has been Thompson’s dream to go to Disney World because she’s always wanted to take her autistic grandson to meet his favorite character, Mickey Mouse." She told the paper, "I’m excited just to be going. To see my grandson’s eyes light up when he sees Mickey. "

Now we're crying too. Good job, Elon Phoenixes!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vyb3AXMmVDE

 


High school replaces Homecoming King and Queen titles to honor trans teen who committed suicide.

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If you were hoping to raise your sons or daughters to be Homecoming Kings and Queens, you can forget it. The change in homecoming nomenclature is starting this year at Wisconsin's Madison West High School, where the two most popular students will be crowned, but there will be no allusions to gender in their title. Unless they like them. The school won't stop you from identifying as a total queen if you want to. Hopefully, it won't be long before other schools pick up the trend, which was actually inspired by the students themselves.

"Suck it, heteronormativity!"

As reported by the Wisconsin State Journal, the idea was brought to Principal Beth Thompson after the recent passing of local transgender boy Skylar Lee, who was a fierce advocate for LGBT rights and encouraged activism at Madison West. It's a very sad impetus, but an impressive show of sensitivity from teenagers:

Students came to [the principal] last spring with a petition signed by close to 1,000 students and staff members, she said. Madison West is the largest of the district’s four main high schools at about 2,065 students.

The petition said the change would “create a safer and more inclusive environment for all students.”

In documents presented to Thompson, the students said it is “always a good time to start a new tradition” and that West “can be the progressive trailblazer it was meant to be.”

Some suggestions for new titles, if winners decide to eschew the traditional, are “Two Regents” or “Regent Rulers.” It's very cool that high schoolers recognize that the times are a-changing when it comes to gender identification, and they're taking steps towards inclusiveness. The next step is abandoning the homecoming oligarchical structure all together and giving everyone a crown, a la Mean Girls:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKQ0Xz-i8Bk

 

Body positive advertisement taken down after prudes complain that it's 'pornographic.'

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A body-positive advertising campaign was reported as "pornographic" by concerned parents at a mall in Queensland, Australia. The campaign was for Lush Cosmetics, a company that prides itself on selling eco-friendly body products that use no packaging. The campaign, titled "Go Naked," used real naked bodies to represent their "real" "naked" products. Here are the posters:

Some hand-on-butt action.
They better sell a matching triangular soap dish.
Do your pellets come in a sour cream and onion flavor?

Here are some of the complaints received by the Advertising Standards Bureau:

It is pornographic in nature and breaches community and parental standards of
what should be involuntarily viewed in public by children and adults.

It was placed at a child’s eye level in a shopping centre. It shows naked women touching other naked women and it is shown in a public place.

I am offended as this is nudity for the sake of causing a stir and is offensive and unnecessary. I was unable to shield my children from exposure to this advert as it was on a poster in the centre aisle of the shopping centre. When I contacted Lush they said that the women in the photo consented so it was OK – I’m sorry but I never consented for myself or my children to be exposed to nudity on our weekly shopping trip! The nudity is completely inappropriate for the family environment of the shopping centre.

The bureau upheld the complaints, and after negotiations, Lush took down the posters five days early. They weren't discouraged, though; outside of the complainants, most of the reaction to the campaign was positive (they even had people complaining about the posters being taken down). They also said that the reaction to the posters won't effect the way they advertise in the future. According to a company spokesperson:

We want our messages to empower people, not make them feel awful about themselves over a body that is probably not ever real due to how much it’s been digitally ‘enhanced’.

 Which only leaves one question: where can we try those edible packing peanuts?

Article 128

This French anti-sexism ad is the most sexist thing you'll see today.

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In a classic tale of people (presumably ad dudes) being so busy applauding themselves for being feminists that they don't realize that they are being super sexist in the process, France's Channel 3 posted this ridiculous ad. Then they pulled it after people pointed out how misguided it was. 

To celebrate the fact that they have a lot of female presenters on their network, France 3 made an ad showing how much of a disaster these ladies' homes are since they're out working! The pot is boiling! The kid's room is messy! The iron might catch fire!

A French 70s pop song sings, "Where are all the women?" and the words pop up, "on Channel 3," where "the majority of our presenters" are female.

LOL, when women are out working, the domestic sphere might literally burn down! What are the odds that the children are still alive?

https://twitter.com/France3tv/status/649931438842773504?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

A collective of female journalists, Prenons La Une, said on the French site 20 Minutes that the ad “feeds cliches rather than deconstructing them. You get the impression that the people who made this video start from the principle that a woman is always behind her ironing board, that she has a massive shoe collection.”

Yo, French 3, it's awesome that you have a lot of female presenters, but you can use them in the marketing department as well. 

Watch a dinosaur try 'American Ninja Warrior' training because you made it to Friday.

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A guy in a T. rex suit training on American Ninja Warrior obstacles is just what you need to start your weekend. He does a great job, considering he now has a giant head and little arms. Sure, the video could have included a small glass of water rippling in the beginning to foreshadow the appearance of the mighty creature. But it's also fun to go straight to literal and figurative beast mode. If enough people put on T. rex suits and did CrossFit in LA, it would catch on and become the new fitness fad.

This is exactly what Jeff Goldblum prophesied in Jurassic Park. God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs train for American Ninja Warrior. Woman still inherits the earth.

Jeb Bush let a green screen photo of himself get online and the Photoshop battle began.

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There are some rules of the Internet that everyone should know. Firstly, the longer a conversation goes on, the more likely it becomes that someone will bring up Hitler. (That someone is often Ben Carson.) Secondly, if a picture is taken of you against a solid green background, you make yourself extremely vulnerable to a Photoshop battle, and Jeb Bush did just that. Pictured on the set of a weatherman's studio, Jeb's tiny body was able to be cut and pasted into all sorts of situations. 

The original.

"He did this to me."

Tiny Jeb points fingers.

Jeb Fiction

"You will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

"Smell my finger."

You don't want to know where it's been.

Land in sight.

"Arrrrrrr is for Republican."

"I didn't know he's into that stuff."


Obligatory FaceSwap.

Green Man Group.

​Jeezy and Yeezy

Our future and future-future president.

The Creation of Adam

"Hey! That's my state!" 

E.T. and Jeb Bush

"Phone home."

Next level campaigning. 

"Did somebody order a pizza?"

 

Let's all rewatch Fred Armisen's perfect Steve Jobs impression before we go see the movie.

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After much fanfare and Sony hacking, 'Steve Jobs' finally arrives in theaters today. It's the (second) biopic you've always wanted about the guy who made it possible for us to go around dropping our iPhones in toilets. Acclaimed actor Michael Fassbender will likely bring us some kind of deeply nuanced and electric performance in the lead role, and we'll probably all be deeply moved as well as contemplative about the role of technology in our modern lives. But will we laugh? Let's not, as a society, forget about when Steve Jobs (channeled through the body of Fred Armisen) appeared on SNL's 'Weekend Update' to rave about the iPhone's capacity to hold 2 billion songs, store 150 kabillion contacts, and turn on and off.


Justin Bieber's dad tweeted about his son's dong, like any proud father would.

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By now you must have heard that Justin Bieber has a penis, and that it was seen on the Internet. And it is a phallus of substantial size. As embarrassing and invasive as it is to have everyone see your penis, it's tragic when you're a grown man and that includes your father. And your father takes to Twitter to express his pride.

https://twitter.com/JeremyBieber/status/652506486124449792

Jeremy Bieber is a scumbag who has been arrested for violence and harassment and once literally threw a bulldog off of a balcony. Domestic and animal abuse aside, this is a new low. Especially considering the inevitability of him going up to women in bars saying, "You've seen how big my son's is, just wait till you see mine."

The Twitter reactions to this grossness are on point. Oprah and Gayle can make the face better than you ever could. 

https://twitter.com/PatrikSandberg/status/652521920089485313https://twitter.com/CurlyCrayy/status/652522275493818368https://twitter.com/RogerJDorn/status/652517087655497728https://twitter.com/Qkfman/status/652512211827585024https://twitter.com/LoveMyBooBieber/status/652507801877618688https://twitter.com/HyejeongsIinus/status/652510964005208064https://twitter.com/playlistbieber/status/652508609096642560https://twitter.com/XXX1990/status/652521671778144257https://twitter.com/noelisafag/status/652516531167846400https://twitter.com/JBinAV/status/652527038952140800https://twitter.com/judtinbiebur/status/652515502158413825

And the winner is:

https://twitter.com/temptbieber/status/652508793524326401

 

The Top 50 Tweets of the Week as picked by someone who spends way too much time on Twitter.

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Donni Saphire has favorited over 600,000 tweets on Twitter and he loves them all equally. He reads every tweet so you don't have to. 

Our first weekly installment of tweet picks comes during a week of tragedy and absurdity. Twitter users celebrated the arrival of fall, mocked various nonsensical claims of presidential candidates, and lamented multiple mass shootings. But there was still plenty of room to discuss Justin Bieber's endowment, the start of McDonald's all-day breakfast, and life in these United States. These are the top 50 tweets of October 4-9, 2015: 

1.

https://twitter.com/trevso_electric/status/650524374500540416

2.

https://twitter.com/Kyle_Lippert/status/650351775648743424

3.

https://twitter.com/JohnFugelsang/status/652246818135388160

4.

https://twitter.com/_RomanLeo/status/651117624839958528

5.

https://twitter.com/marcellacomedy/status/651558747915980800

6.

https://twitter.com/dantelfer/status/650323646100049921

7.

https://twitter.com/UNTRESOR/status/651544312711376896

8.

https://twitter.com/aparnapkin/status/651091212259205120

9.

https://twitter.com/wutangcher/status/652240566911041537

10,

https://twitter.com/AndyRichter/status/650427045374070784

11.

https://twitter.com/Yassir_Lester/status/651243335936401408

12.

https://twitter.com/mallelis/status/650773344355151872

13.

https://twitter.com/DVSblast/status/650185649732124672

14.

https://twitter.com/kjmeow/status/650754970900406272

15.

https://twitter.com/MaryKoCo/status/649851201689796609

16.

https://twitter.com/Bro_Pair/status/651885196409729024

17.

https://twitter.com/tweetrajouhari/status/649604903707480064

18.

https://twitter.com/despotroast/status/652268816597172224

19.

https://twitter.com/senderblock23/status/650131054326476800

20.

https://twitter.com/TlfTravelAlerts/status/651117252536766464

21.

https://twitter.com/vornietom/status/650879222894845952

22.

https://twitter.com/eddiepepitone/status/650746518157328385

23.

https://twitter.com/Eden_Eats/status/652180449125466113

24.

https://twitter.com/kylekinane/status/652192728470556672

25.

https://twitter.com/tigersgoroooar/status/649829774517403648

26.

https://twitter.com/benicus_rex/status/651794366449631232

27.

https://twitter.com/CerromeRussell/status/652179729206890496

28.

https://twitter.com/tarashoe/status/652197599311622144

29.

https://twitter.com/swarthyvillain/status/650835969978052608

30.

https://twitter.com/ch000ch/status/650374139203747841

31.

https://twitter.com/TheDreamGhoul/status/651989545076961284

32.

https://twitter.com/LostCatDog/status/651706088199467009

33.

https://twitter.com/morninggloria/status/651115076670263297

34.

https://twitter.com/desusnice/status/651611922543038464

35.

https://twitter.com/tastefactory/status/650353022200057856

36.

https://twitter.com/ArielDumas/status/652126732460404736

37.

https://twitter.com/ruinedpicnic/status/650830670017785857

38.

https://twitter.com/thomas_violence/status/651876701916393472

39.

https://twitter.com/charstarlene/status/651548456587124736

40.

https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/651620144293122049

41.

https://twitter.com/BisHilarious/status/650082077237338113

42.

https://twitter.com/pixelatedboat/status/651352081169674240

43.

https://twitter.com/Bez/status/651556684490534912

44.

https://twitter.com/douggpound/status/651306911065751552

45.

https://twitter.com/AllieGoertz/status/650786551836729344

46.

https://twitter.com/shutupmikeginn/status/652306227964215296

47.

https://twitter.com/Time2GetGill/status/651300578568474624

48.

https://twitter.com/hannibalburess/status/650141171000414208

49.

https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/651096959600693250

50.

https://twitter.com/Karate_Horse/status/650838823748927488

Check out the best ecards of the week since you know you're not doing any work today.

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You deserve to take the time to look at these ecards as a prize for making it through an entire week of wasting time at the office.

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Who is more excited that Daddy's home: his baby or his dog?

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If you want Daddy to know you love him the most, you need to prove it. And you can start by wagging your tail (or waving your arm), stomping your feet (or paws), and attempting to smash through the glass front door to get to him as soon as you see his car coming down the street. Get to work, small barking creatures who love Daddy.

https://youtu.be/APnKowuUvII

 

A homeless man announced he found a dead body by puppeteering the skull in a Publix supermarket.

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A homeless man in Sebastian, FL was trying to communicate something horrible to people in his local Publix: he'd found a dead body. The message was a little bit lost, though, because he was putting on a puppet show with the deceased's skull

Food & Pharmacy & THEATRE!!

According to bystander NickPecoraro, the man was talking to the skull and showing it off to customers, then eventually left it on a trash can. He told WPBF what tipped him off to the fact this wasn't performance art:

At first, Pecoraro thought the skull was fake until he got close enough to catch a whiff.

"It smelled like death," Pecoraro said.

He immediately called 911.

The homeless man willingly led police to a nearby wooded area where a number of local homeless people camp and showed them the rest of the remains. There's no sign of who they were, their gender or what the cause of death may have been. Happy Halloween, from Florida.

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