Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Remorseful street tough who vandalized a park bathroom in 1990 makes it right… with cash.

0
0

Picture the idyllic streets of Orem, Utah. A place so peaceful it actually calls itself "Family City USA." Back in 1990, a handful of young punks threatened the peace and security of Orem by vandalizing the bathroom partitions in Bonneville Park. What sort of vandalism? We don't know. It could have been anything from a scratched-in phone number to a fully operational glory hole. But in the lack of clearer information, we're going to assume glory hole.

After carving the perverted hole, this group of vicious friends departed, laughing their heads off. They believed they had gotten away with the perfect crime, and they were right. But one of the culprits was haunted by the criminal's greatest enemy: conscience. Consumed by the sense of morality that is deeply ingrained in every Utahn's soul, this individual was gradually driven mad by guilt over the course of 25 long years. And then, when he or she (probably he) could take no more, an opportunity for redemption struck. The culprit sent an apologetic letter to the City of Orem Government, which posted it to the town's Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/oremcity/photos/a.193685857374445.48494.138060126270352/896992593710431/?type=3

The letter said:

Many years ago in my youth (1990), I and a couple of friends vandalized the bathroom partitions at Bonneville Park on 800 W. I regret the actions of my youth but need to make right the financial burden I created. I am including money that would or should be able to cover that expense. I recognize this is long ago and forgotten, but please accept this payment. If you don't know where to spend or deposit the funds possibly accept it as a donation to help less-fortunate or under-privileged youth cover costs for sports camps or playing in the youth sports leagues. Hopefully you have something like that. Thanks for letting me make this right.

Enclosed with the letter was $500 cash. Of course it's much too late to repair the bathroom partitions (that glory hole is probably a local landmark by now), but the town says the money will be used to help build the town's first "all-abilities playground." It's a worthy cause for a worthy gesture.

This story has been inspiring people in Orem and the rest of the world. It's a refreshing reminder that it's never too late to "make it right." And while it's possible that the $500 came out of royalties earned from 25 years of operating a successful glory hole, we'll choose not to consider that possibility. Why tarnish the moment?


A couple "accidentally" revealed more than intended with their engagement announcement.

0
0

Metro UK is reporting that a couple mistakenly revealed far more than they intended when they posted an engagement announcement to Facebook. If you look in the corner of the photo below, you can see the box for a pregnancy test. That's what pregnancy tests look like in England.

https://twitter.com/YahooNewsUK/status/652208113102123008?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

The future bride posted this with her photo:

But started getting comments like this:

And was like, huh?:

And then just came out with it:

But...is this for real? There's no link back to Miranda Levy's Facebook page for one. Secondly, this is not the optimal photo for announcing your marriage. Sitting in a poorly lit room on the couch with a pregnancy test box ripped open next to you? Please!

Perhaps the imminent Baby Kelly explains the rushed pic, but we suspect it might all be fake. Or they really are getting married and really are expecting, but this reveal is no accident. Unlike the baby ba-DUM-ching! Just kidding, they seem very happy. IF THEY'RE EVEN REAL.

Keegan-Michael Key surprised the Penn State football team by pretending to be their coach.

0
0

Keegan-Michael Key pretended to be the Penn State football coach a few days ago, running their morning meeting and making a lot of Penn State football team-specific jokes. Key served as their homecoming Grand Marshal last week (he got a theater MFA from the school in '96), and the meeting was one of the activities he took part in as part of the festivities. It's not the first time he's played a coach, and let's hope it's not the last.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBLwchkCPzY&index=26&list=PLrEnWoR732-BHrPp_Pm8_VleD68f9s14-

 

How not to die if you’re playing a #DemDebate drinking game tonight.

0
0

With only a fraction of the GOP's candidates and a complete lack of Donald Trump, many innocent political junkies assume it will be easy to play a political drinking game during tonight's #DemDebate. This kind of false confidence leads to news nerds waking up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of who Martin O'Malley is (assuming they had that memory to begin with). Here are some simple steps you can take to play it safe while booze and Lincoln Chafee compete to see who can put you to sleep first:

Martin O'Malley seen here where he's always been: firmly behind Hillary and Bernie. Also, on the left is Lincoln Chafee. On the right is Jim Webb. Congrats, you can now host a political podcast.
  • If your drinking game involves consuming alcohol any time the Democrats laugh at what a nuthouse the #GOPDebates are, just go to bed now.

  • Many plan on drinking every time they learn something new about Lincoln Chafee or Jim Webb. Please don't do this. You have a family that loves you. They would miss you. If you really want to impress your friends, take a drink whenever you actually already knew something about them.

  • If your mom texts to ask if you knew Bernie Sanders was Jewish, she has to drink.

  • Instead of taking a shot every time candidates bicker, only do it if the combined age of the combatants is over 200 (so, anytime someone joins Hillary and Sanders in an argument).

  • Chug some apple juice every time Hillary mentions being a grandmother. It's sweet, but after the eighth time it's just cloying.

  • If Bernie and Hillary start arguing about who's stuck in the 60s, switch to pot.

  • If Martin O'Malley tries to remind everyone he's from a "new generation," switch to Adderall.

  • If Jim Webb stands there glaring because he was a Marine, a Senator, and Secretary of the Navy and could wipe the floor in a fight with any of these people who are all polling better than him, switch back to beer.

  • Finish the drink in your hand the first time former Baltimore mayor Martin O'Malley brings up The Wire. After that, though, only take a shot if Anderson Cooper accidentally calls him Tommy Carcetti.

  • Splash ice water in your face every time Hillary ham-handedly attempts Millennial references. Break out smelling salts if she says something like "Donald Trump is so odd that I can't even."

  • Sip, don't chug every time Bernie Sanders patiently explains his definition of “Democratic Socialist" to a room and country full of people who stopped listening.

  • If someone sitting behind Anderson Cooper becomes the next Hot Debate Guy, refrain from drinking any time they're on camera or even making eye contact. Only take a full drink when you see them look at their phone and realize they've been memed.
  • Take 10 shots when Hillary Clinton finally makes the career-ending political error Republicans and Democratic rivals have been waiting 20 years for. Have fun staying sober, suckers.

  • If guns get brought up, be sure to only take shots of beer every time Bernie Sanders disappoints his base by acting like the senator from a rural hunting state with very little gun crime.

  • If you’re watching the debate with one of Lincoln Chafee’s actual human supporters (like a certain Someecards editor), get drunk beforehand and stay politely silent while you watch their dreams collapse.

  • Feel free to drink any time someone goes directly after Hillary Clinton. The real danger would be to drink anytime someone should take on Clinton, but holds back because they want an appointment in her cabinet.

  • Do not drink whenever Anderson Cooper brings up Donald Trump. Only drink once the candidates give in and start talking about him more than Hillary. Then keep drinking until the election is over. Hopefully, you'll wake up to discover there's a non-Trump president and that the post-apocalyptic video game Fallout 4 has been released. Otherwise, Trump will be president and you'll be living inside Fallout 4. Either way, at least Fallout 4 is happening.

Article 14

Feud averted: Amy Schumer responds to Khloé Kardashian's call-out on Twitter. All is right again.

0
0

Whew, that was a close one. After Amy Schumer made a joke about Khloé Kardashian in her SNL monologue over the weekend, Khloé—gasp—subtweeted Amy Schumer. This was an especially pointed response considering how many jokes get made about the Kardashians every single day compared to how infrequently we see a direct call-out.

In the monologue, Schumer joked about how Khloé was the most relatable Kardashian until she lost weight:

We used to have Khloé. Khloé was ours, right? Whenever there's a group of women, you identify with one of them, right?…But then Khloé—she lost half her body weight. She lost a Kendall, and we have nothing.

Can't we be one big happy squad, like we used to be?

Khloé came back with these tweets:

https://twitter.com/khloekardashian/status/653293171498024960?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfwhttps://twitter.com/khloekardashian/status/653293551820783616?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

And now Schumer has clarified that she has "nothing but love" for the Kardashians in a new tweet, which also included an adorable photo of her 18-month-old niece referenced in the monologue.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/653698584970313728?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Well, looks like everyone agrees about lifting up one another, sending positive messages about body image, and not pitting women against each other (trademark Taylor Swift).

Article 12

Rapper T.I. won't vote for Hillary because she's too female, not enough of a lake monster.

0
0

Forget Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton's real competition in the upcoming presidential election may be the Loch Ness Monster (wait...have you ever Trump and Nessie in the same room? Holy ****). 

That's the opinion of Rapper T.I., who told DJ Whoo Kid in a recent interview that he would prefer the fictional lake-beast over Hillary, or any woman, because they're too emotional. (He's actually not allowed to vote for anyone, because he's a felon.)

Not to be sexist, but I'm about to be totally sexist...

“Not to be sexist but, I can’t vote for the leader of the free world to be a woman,” he said. “Just because, every other position that exists, I think a woman could do well. But the president? It’s kinda like, I just know that women make rash decisions emotionally – they make very permanent, cemented decisions – and then later, it’s kind of like it didn’t happen, or they didn’t mean for it to happen. And I sure would hate to just set off a nuke. [Other leaders] will not be able to negotiate the right kinds of foreign policy; the world ain’t ready yet. I think you might be able to get the Loch Ness Monster elected before you could [get a woman].”

Who's going to tell him The Loch Ness Monster is also female? I mean, "Nessie" is a lady, right?

T.I. later apologized for his sexist comments on Twitter. I guess he must've made a rash decision emotionally, and now it's kind of like it didn't happen, or he didn't mean for it to happen. 

https://twitter.com/Tip/status/653972299553488896

You can check out the full interview here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNx6OeDrKv4

 


Comedian Sarah Silverman wrote a powerful essay about depression. Ha ha?

0
0

One of the most difficult things to talk about is depression, even though many, many people struggle with it every day. It's probably because depression's still a largely misunderstood condition. In an essay with Glamour, comedian Sarah Silverman talked about her own experience with depression from a young age, and it's powerful to hear about it from someone who makes a living making other people laugh:

I first experienced depression when I was 13. I was walking off a bus from a school camping trip. The trip had been miserable: I was, sadly, a bed wetter, and I had Pampers hidden in my sleeping bag—a gigantic and shameful secret to carry. My mom was there to pick me up, and she was taking pictures like a paparazzo. Seeing her made the stress of the last few days hit home, and something shifted inside me....My whole perspective changed. I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn't deal with being with my friends, I didn't go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks. People use "panic attack" very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don't think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is labored. You are dying. You are going to die. It's terrifying. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there.

Incredibly, Sarah went on to write for SNL, star in movies, and have her own TV shows showcasing her bizarre, dark sense of humor:

https://youtu.be/1njm9HEbsUI?t=4m14s

It took her a long time to get there, though:

I went through several therapists. The first one hanged himself. Irony? Yeah. Another one kept upping my Xanax until I was taking 16 a day. Four Xanax, four times a day! I saved all the bottles in a shoe box because I thought, Well, at least if I die and they find this, they'll know what happened. I was a zombie walking through life. And then, a few years later, my mom took me to a new psychiatrist, who got me off meds completely over the course of six months. I remember taking that last half pill at the high school water fountain and finally feeling like myself again.

I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. But if you ever experience it, or are experiencing it right now, just know that on the other side, the little joys in life will be that much sweeter. The tough times, the days when you're just a ball on the floor—they'll pass. You're playing the long game, and life is totally worth it.

See? It's worth it. Especially if you end up being a millionaire dating Michael Sheen. And Sarah finished with this important addendum:

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to crisistextline.org; the National Alliance on Mental Illness (800-950-6264) also provides support and local referrals.

Someone owes this charming club of bearded men an apology for telling cops they were ISIS.

0
0

A group of Swedish beard enthusiasts called the Bearded Villains got a surprise visit from the cops on Monday because someone thought they were ISIS. The well-groomed men were driving their hairy chins to some castle ruins outside Stockholm for a fancy beard photo shoot when a passing driver mistook these flag-waving gentlemen for terrorists.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153673426695645&set=a.54384145644.89034.596890644&type=3

Here's what happened, in the non-villainous Villians' own words:

Yesterday, we had our Bearded Villains flag shoot at a castle ruin called Braehus.

In the middle of the shoot, two cops show up, telling us they got a call from someone saying that they drove past and saw about 30 terrorists waving a ISIS flag.

We had a good laugh with the cops, who had to respond to the call, but quickly saw that we weren't terrorists, out in the middle of nowhere, dressed in formal wear, hugging and laughing. 

Phew! Thank goodness these furry-faced lads were able to offset an accusation of terrorism with a good laugh. What the cops were expecting to do had they strolled up to 30 members of ISIS, we will never know, but it's great that this sorta racist story has a storybook ending. To further show how far these guys are from ISIS, here is their real mission statement:

To Unite Bearded Men of all cultures, races and creed in a Brotherhood devoted to Loyalty, Honor and Respect toward all people, Dedicated to the betterment of mankind through fraternity Charity and Kindness

Just look at these guys! They surely mean no harm:

https://instagram.com/p/8xaN_9tC2Q/

They do pyramids:

https://instagram.com/p/8Rg6pwtCws/

And they even help kids:

https://instagram.com/p/76Cu6CNC21/

I am officially growing out my beard to try to become a Bearded Villain.

A troll asked Chelsea Clinton gross stuff about Bill Clinton, and she killed him with kindness.

0
0

Chelsea Clinton was at a signing for her new book, It'sYour World: Get Informed, Get Inspired & Get Going in Austin, Texas, when blogger Robert Morrow tried to troll her by asking her some super-classy questions on camera. If you're not familiar with Morrow's antics, just know that he once wrote he was “ninety-five per cent sure” that “Hillary Clinton probably has brain cancer” and would not run in 2016. Morrow kicked it off by asking if Hillary Clinton had ever told her that she's the daughter of Webb Hubbell (a former Mayor of Little Rock and Chief Justice of the Arkansas Supreme Court). Chelsea wouldn't take the bait:

I am so proud to be my parents' daughter.

He then asked if her book targets teenage girls, and when he received an eloquent response, asked her if Bill Clinton targets teenage girls. She still didn't respond the way he hoped she would. It's almost like she grew up watching politicians deflect terrible questions:

I would say my book is really resonating with kids. I was at the Ann Richards School earlier today and I’m so grateful that it’s resonating to the young girls and the young boys that I’ve been talking to across the country.  

When trolls attack, just remember to stay calm and make yourself look smarter by not falling for their troll riddles. Chelsea gets bonus points for continuing to plug her book, which gets her good publicity while Morrow was trying to catch her off-guard. It's also now obvious that Secret Service agents would have been more useful than bookstore employees in aprons.

Eddie Murphy finally explained why he wouldn't play Bill Cosby on the 'SNL' anniversary show.

0
0

Back in February, Saturday Night Live aired its 40th anniversary special, an extravaganza featuring a reunion of dozens of former cast members and guests. Two highlights were the appearance of the famously reclusive Eddie Murphy, and a star-studded edition of the much-beloved Celebrity Jeopardy sketch. But many people were puzzled when the sketch featured a "Bill Cosby" appearance played by Kenan Thompson instead of Murphy, whose Cosby impression was a staple of SNL during the 80s.

One guy who avoids the public eye, and one guy who should.

Ultimately, Norm MacDonald (one of the writers and stars of the sketch) came out publicly to explain that Murphy was originally going to play the role, then dropped out because he felt conflicted about it. A lot of public opinion turned against Murphy for seemingly siding with a rapist. Murphy declined to comment at the time, but now he's finally breaking his silence on the issue, explaining his reasons in a new Washington Post article. Murphy told the interviewer:

It’s horrible. There’s nothing funny about it. If you get up there and you crack jokes about him, you’re just hurting people. You’re hurting him. You’re hurting his accusers. I was like, "Hey, I’m coming back to SNL for the anniversary, I’m not turning my moment on the show into this other thing."

It's an understandable sentiment. There's a difference between condoning a criminal's actions and not wanting to exploit them for laughs. But that doesn't mean he thinks the laughs weren't there to be had. He also explained that he understood the reasons behind the sketch:

I totally understood. It was the biggest thing in the news at the time. I can see why they thought it would be funny, and the sketch that Norm [Macdonald] wrote was hysterical.

It's an enigmatic answer, which isn't surprising coming from a man who was the biggest standup in the world and walked away from it at the age of 27. Speaking of which, he addressed a tantalizing possible return to the stage in the Post's article:

Every now and then when I think about it, I think, "What would I even talk about onstage?" It’s never been, "I wonder if I’m funny. I wonder if I can come up with jokes." It’s more, "What would it be like without the leather suit and the anger?"

There are a lot of people in the world who would love to find out. And none of them would hold it against him for not doing Cosby jokes.

New study: sitting all day might not kill you after all, as long as you’re not a dumbass.

0
0

Good news, people on your butts: all of us folks who are stuck sitting at desks all day have been upgraded from "definitely going to die sooner" to "probably going to die sooner." That's according to a new study from researchers at University of Exeter and University College London. The study looked at 5,000 people over a 16 year period and found that sitting all day might not actually lead to your death, as long as you get some exercise too. Sorry. It always comes back to exercise, doesn't it?

This woman is going to DIE.
(Someday.)

Still, this flies in the face of previous studies that implied that if we sit at a desk for eight hours a day and don't also spend four hours a day standing or walking, we're gunning for diabetes, heart problems, and good ol' early death. But the new study states that "Sitting time was not associated with all-cause mortality risk."

Basically: you don't have to move at work, but you have to move sometime. Sorry, lazy butts.

Oblique compliment.

The Vampire Breast Lift sounds like a totally great, not scary idea.

0
0

There are lots of expensive, questionable medical procedures out there, but most of them at least have the good sense to not invoke ancient evil in their names. But the Vampire Breast Lift laughs in the face of your puny concerns, because the Vampire Breast Lift is an all-powerful fountain of breastal youth! OK, it's actually a procedure where a doctor takes your blood, removes the platelet rich plasma (PRP), and injects that plasma into your breasts. You wouldn't necessarily know that from the Vampire Breast Lift website, though, which literally refers to that platelet rich plasma as "the magic." The Vampire Breast Lift creator, the Kenny G-haired Charles Runels, MD, claims that the $1,800 procedure can"lift saggy breasts, improve the shape and look of cleavage, fix inverted nipples, remove stretch marks, and increase breast and nipple sensitivity."

Vampires and breasts, together at last.

Platelet rich plasma therapy is actually more legit than the Vampire Breast Lift makes it sound. For example, athletes sometimes use PRP injections to help recover from injuries. PRP and vampire procedures might also sound familiar because before he created the Vampire Breast Lift, Dr. Runels offered the Vampire Face Lift, which has fans like Kim Kardashian and model Bar Refaeli.

Still, the whole thing is weird, even once you get past the whole "pay me to inject blood in your tits" deal. For one thing, the Vampire Breast Lift website is a travesty of web design that screams, "Are you looking for a professional to do a medical procedure on you? Because you won't find them here!" Heck, they can't even get a list of three items right:

In case you can't read it, that's a list of five things under a header asking "Do You Show These 3 Signs of the Aging Breast?"

Anyway, if that doesn't scare you away, and if you have an extra $1,800 and a few minutes (the Vampire Face Lift only takes 15), you too can have a perky blood chest.


If you'd like to pee yourself today, enjoy this video of a pit of rattlesnakes attacking a camera.

0
0

We've all heard cartoons joke that someone is going to be "thrown into a pit of snakes" enough times that it doesn't serve as a real threat anymore. But here's a terrifying reminder that poisonous snakes do hang out in pits on their own volition, and you can happen upon those terrifying pits in the wild and accidentally drop your camera in them. This video is worth watching not just for Snake Terror, but also for the couple quietly discussing in the background whether or not they're going to try to get the camera out of the pit of snakes. Do they succeed? Well, you'll have to watch the video to find out whether this video was posted online by humans or snakes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=80&v=avtZJKydB-E

 

Bernie Sanders ripped into Hillary Clinton's "damn emails," but it somehow ended like this.

0
0

The #DemDebate is still ongoing, but unlike it's #GOPDebate there was a depressing lack of personal insults or truly bizarre statements. Frankly, they've set out to be the boring alternative to the GOP's, uh, excitement, and they are succeeding spectacularly. But we all knew Hillary and Bernie would have to have their reckoning at some point, we just never thought it would be like this. Instead of ripping each other to political shreds, the line of the night concerned Hillary's "damn emails," and it resulted in a weird room-wide feel-good moment the likes of which have no place in the political world:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOOfwN0iYxM

Sure, there were differences over guns, over banks, and over other issues—but for the most part it was the moderators challenging each other rather than the candidates. Well, O'Malley's been slightly feisty, compared to this stage at least, and Jim Webb was not afraid to take on the audience and hold a one-man moderate Republican debate. 

Mike Huckabee wasn't at the #DemDebate tonight, but he still found time to offend everyone.

0
0

Mike Huckabee, defender of Duggars, took time out of his busy schedule losing the Republican nomination to tweet this in the middle of the Democratic debate. We can't really set you up for it, except to say he doesn't think Bernie Sanders should be president. Besides that, it doesn't seem to be related to anything specific that was said during the evening.

https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/654114071336189952

Oh. Ok. Well, this would be bad enough if he had just stuck to making a really off-color comment relying on outdated stereotypes of Asians eating dogs, but there's also an old story a lot of people remember where Arkansas officials allege Huckabee pressured police not to investigate the death of a dog at his son's hands. Did Huck sign off after that? Was this perhaps just a stray Ambien tweet before bed? 

https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/654113084101922816https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/654112816996024320

Oh. No. He's having a great time tonight. See, this would have been a great tweet, Huck:

https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/654126555992424448

Why couldn't you have just Tweeted that? That was a great Hucking tweet right there.

The 25 best Tweets from the #DemDebate.

0
0

The first Democratic debate just wrapped up, and boy was it a mild ride! Here are the best things that weren't Mike Huckabee pissing everyone off.

https://twitter.com/Mobute/status/654089893728133120https://twitter.com/pete_schultz/status/654074064278061056https://twitter.com/TheDairylandDon/status/654092030285619200https://twitter.com/SamGrittner/status/654118746043367424https://twitter.com/MrZachPeterson/status/654117122797273088https://twitter.com/UncleDynamite/status/654112472060661760https://twitter.com/OSheaComputer/status/654103815713480704https://twitter.com/MissLeslieG/status/654118641605054464https://twitter.com/DJRotaryRachel/status/654120641650491392https://twitter.com/behindyourback/status/654113060953702400https://twitter.com/NicestHippo/status/654100611823071232https://twitter.com/gavinspeiller/status/654099774774317056https://twitter.com/MikeDrucker/status/654102171978498048https://twitter.com/rachelzarrell/status/654102423422771200https://twitter.com/ChaseMit/status/654113160975241216https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt/status/654116636664791041https://twitter.com/Cryptoterra/status/654124197304623104https://twitter.com/kayhanley/status/654126966623219712https://twitter.com/13spencer/status/654126626758770688https://twitter.com/morninggloria/status/654126575286398976https://twitter.com/NickSchug/status/654128731263500288https://twitter.com/SamReidSays/status/654128129871609857https://twitter.com/heavenrants/status/654127605977845760https://twitter.com/JohnnyMcNulty/status/654110865344569344https://twitter.com/trishtalking/status/654103042497880064

 

Encouragement

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images