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It stops being a "shocker" when you do it every time.


I'm gonna go ahead and count putting on my jeans as 15 minutes of cardio.

The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.

Let's further exhaust each other by complaining about how tired we are.

The only reason I'm opening my mouth today is to yawn.

Sorry the only thing getting repeatedly slammed in your bed is a snooze button.

The only reason I drink so much coffee is because I don't get enough sleep because of all the coffee I drink.

I get a full eight hours of sleep every day at my desk with my eyes open.


There's nothing I love more than waking up next to you and a device to check my email.

I wish we kept in touch as regularly as A-Rod and his steroids dealer.

Happy birthday to someone old enough to choose sleep over sex.

Sorry your cell phone battery died and you had to talk to the friends you were with.

You're as witty over text as you are painfully awkward on the phone.

I work really well with my hands in that I'm a fast texter.

We should have sex if we're ever somehow both in bed and awake at the same time.


A delightfully insulting postcard for every state and bullsh*t U.S. territory.

Just taking life one antidepressant at a time.

I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking.

This vodka soda has a slight taste of text an ex in it.

I think you've once again mistaken your Facebook status for your therapist.

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