It stops being a "shocker" when you do it every time.
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I'm gonna go ahead and count putting on my jeans as 15 minutes of cardio.
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The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.
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Let's further exhaust each other by complaining about how tired we are.
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The only reason I'm opening my mouth today is to yawn.
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Sorry the only thing getting repeatedly slammed in your bed is a snooze button.
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The only reason I drink so much coffee is because I don't get enough sleep because of all the coffee I drink.
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I get a full eight hours of sleep every day at my desk with my eyes open.
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There's nothing I love more than waking up next to you and a device to check my email.
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I wish we kept in touch as regularly as A-Rod and his steroids dealer.
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Happy birthday to someone old enough to choose sleep over sex.
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Sorry your cell phone battery died and you had to talk to the friends you were with.
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You're as witty over text as you are painfully awkward on the phone.
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I work really well with my hands in that I'm a fast texter.
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We should have sex if we're ever somehow both in bed and awake at the same time.
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A delightfully insulting postcard for every state and bullsh*t U.S. territory.
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Just taking life one antidepressant at a time.
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I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking.
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This vodka soda has a slight taste of text an ex in it.
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I think you've once again mistaken your Facebook status for your therapist.
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