Although it's an easy punching bag or punchline, a lot of people fail to realize that the micropenis is a real medical condition that effects the lives of people who have it. Recently, a group of anonymous men used Whisper to shed some light on what life with a micropenis is like.
Notorious joke thief Josh Ostrovsky, a.k.a. "The Fat Jew," has made a name for himself as the rotund chosen person who has chosen the jokes of other persons. Although he considers himself less a "comedian" and more a "commentator," the fact remains that he "commentates" primarily by plagiarizing other people's content. And yet, somehow Ostrovsky still succeeded in landing a book deal.
Now, however, in a spectacular display of karmic calibration, Ostrovsky's book has been scanned and posted online thanks to Twitter hero SealFan78.
It's safe to assume that the contents of Ostrovsky's book are not plagiarized, because it's also not funny or intriguing. Despite the haiku about Goldie Hawn's butthole.
And there's no telling how much of it is even true, as the author's note in the beginning of the book clarifies that Ostrovsky doesn't trouble himself much with "accuracy," and those who do are dicks.
So everyone just relax, and don't freak out about the accuracy of every detail. Take it all with a grain of salt. Don't be a dick.
Self-appointed dick police over here.
The book is titled Money Pizza Respect and perhaps two of these things are still available to Ostrovsky. The scanned book pages are still up on Sealfan78's Twitter page, and also on this Google Drive.
Donni Saphire has favorited over 610,000 tweets on Twitter and knows them all by name. He judges everyone's attempts at zinging the zeitgeist so you don't have to.
It was a climactic week! Kansas City won the World Series, forcing the Mets to admit they could never be Royals, as Lorde prophesied. Halloween and Sexy Donald Trump costumes were celebrated with aplomb. Twitter replaced stars with hearts, causing much consternation. And Ben Carson grabbed the spotlight with a fascinating archeological theory. Read all about it: These are your top tweets of the week!
Jimmy Kimmel asked a bunch of little kids if they thought a woman could be president, and their answers are funny, especially if you like laughing at the horrible ideas about gender that we teach young children. All of the boys said they didn't think women could be president because they're "too girly" and would just give free makeup to everyone and paint the White House pink. That's actually probably a rare criticism that Hillary Clinton has not yet heard.
After Kimmel asked enough questions to clarify everyone's views, Hillary Clinton herself stopped by to take the kids' suggestions for what to do if she wins the election.
The video has a clear winner: Sydney, the cool girl on the end with the good ideas about peace. Hopefully she'll run for president in 2056.
Sadaf Taherian is an Iranian actress who has had to flee her home country after posting scandalous Instagram images such as this:
In Iran, a woman is expected to wear a hijab, or head scarf, in public. Some women want to, some don't, but it's basically not optional. Taherian's public images showing her uncovered head have been denounced as "immoral" by the Iranian government, and they've also gotten her a lot of threats. A spokesman for Iran’s Ministry of Culture and lslamic Guidance, Hossein Noushabadi, released this statement about her and another actress who defended her: "As far as this ministry is concerned, these two individuals are no longer considered to be artists any more and do not have any right to act." A TV show starring Taherian was yanked off the state television network schedule soon after.
Looking through Taherian's Instagram, there is a clear moment when she goes from wearing the hijab to casting it aside, and some vague posting about taking action that may give us a window into her decision to take it off:
Taherian has landed in the United Arab Emirates, where she's seeking asylum. It sucks that this is happening to her, but it seems like she's still living her best life. Here's one of her more recent posts on Facebook, where she's straight chilling after a workout:
Did you know the U.S. Department of the Interior has an Instagram page? They do, and it's full of gorgeous pictures like this:
But even better than scenic vistas, they uploaded this ridiculous video of a skunk doing a handstand for you to giggle about:
This spotted skunk isn't practicing for the circus or anything—this is just a defensive measure it takes before wasting good stink juice on an attacker. First it tries to look big and if that fails, it smells big. Anyway, now you know who has the best job in the government: the guy watching the skunk security cam.
Like some kind of twist in an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the hundreds of sheep belonging to Canadian farmer Liezel Kennedy seemed to have vanished overnight into the snowy hereafter. There are more than 500 sheep in this field, but at first glance, Kennedy was hard-pressed to locate even one. Can you?
Upon closer inspection, this Magic Eye for Shepherds becomes clearer:
And clearer still:
"What was I supposed to do, NOT get horny?!" That's basically the defense of a pregnant woman who gave her husband a BJ at the Westfield London mall, while their two children, ages three and five, watched. According to Metro UK, Akeela Ali and her husband Fahad Bilal told the court "It just happened," and that they "thought about stopping" when their children interrupted, but nah.
Mrs Ali told the judge that the hormones from her pregnancy made her super horny, so she went for it, even though she knew it was wrong to suck someone off in a public place. Basically something to the effect of, "If traumatizing my kids is wrong, I don't wanna be right." The judge banned the couple from coming back to London for two months, which is for the best. We don't need this lady anywhere near Santa's lap.
Who said it: Lisa Rinna, reflecting on husband Harry Hamlin's Halloween costume on Instagram
Why'd they say a stupid thing like that: Actors Hamlin and Rinna went as Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen to George Clooney's Halloween party this year. Hamlin's costume included a t-shirt with a swastika on it, probably because he wanted to stay true to the character of Sid Vicious and also to find out if it's still too soon to wear a giant swastika t-shirt. The verdict? 36 years after Vicious's death, and it's still too soon. If a punk rocker couldn't pull it off, then a balding 64-year-old can't do it either.
Who said it: Robert DeNiro, after being condescended to at an event on Wednesday
Why'd they say a stupid thing like that: The Oscar winner and grown man who should be able to handle a little light banter presented an award to Angelina Jolie at the Wall Street Journal Magazine Innovator Awards on Wednesday. He was not impressed by the guy who got an award right before her—Stewart Butterfield, the Canadian co-founder of Flickr. Butterfield said in his acceptance speech that he was the only "nerd" in a group of "supermodels and movie stars." He then told DeNiro that he "watched Godfather II on the plane" and "When you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that." DeNiro got on stage and stopped just short of telling the guy to f*ck off. Judging by his use of #lifegoals on his tweet of the incident, it stands to reason that Mr. Butterfield was not permanently wounded by the incident.
Who said it: Justin Bieber, in a Billboard cover story
Why'd they say a stupid thing like that: Bieber is apparently trying to start a celebrity feud he could never win with Bette Midler. Earlier this month, a nude pic of him leaked, which the Internet had quite a lot to say and meme about. As did Bieber's dad, who super creepily tweeted that he was a "#proud daddy" (like, because his son's dick is huge). Then, Bette Midler called Bieber's dad a dick. And now, here we are today, when Bieber has—supposedly inadvertently, but where's the proof?—mangled the diva's name.
Who said it: Ben Carson, to CNN at a lunchtime book signing on Thursday
Why'd they say a stupid thing like that: CNN challenged the GOP Presidential candidate on Thursday about details of his story that he stabbed a close friend (or possibly a family member) when he was 14. Carson, not about to be tricked into saying he was a good kid, angrily insisted he's a stabber through and through. He knows America wants a President who isn't afraid to shiv a Secretary of State when it comes down to it. In other Carson is lying about stuff news, his campaign conceded today that he didn't really turn down a full scholarship to West Point, after Politico gently pointed out that there's no such thing.
Who said it: Kylie Jenner, on her Instagram
Why'd they say a stupid thing like that: The reality star was trying to draw attention to the most important part of her sexy late-night Instagram post. No, not her thigh-brows, though they are #goals. Not her revealing outfit or the hints of a luxury lifestyle peeking over her shoulder. Her broken nail, pressed against her phone. Hey, broken nail's up here, fellas. For those of you looking to masturbate to an 18-year-old's ruined manicure, it's your lucky day.
Sometimes you feel alone in the big city when your mom is far away. Or maybe your mom is nearby and she just doesn't get you. Whatever the reason, if you need a mom with whom you have a mutually beneficial transactional agreement, you can rent one at Need A Mom NYC. Nina Kineally has been a mom for over 30 years, and her kids are functioning adults, so she did something right. She's willing to provide you with basic mom services at a reasonable price:
Nina sells herself as:
A mom who won't
- question your lifestyle choice
- be judgmental about your hair, your wardrobe, your friends, your vegan diet
- compare you to your sister Maggie or your cousin Jake
- expect presents ever (or even an ecard)
- keep you on the phone for 45 minutes talking about the neighbor's cat or your uncle's gout
- ask you to be in a selfie with her
A mom who will
- listen to you over a cup of joe, hot chocolate or wine
- review your resume and edit documents
- iron your shirt for that big interview
- watch a movie with you when you just don't want to be alone (and bring the popcorn)
- make that pecan pie that you really really love
- buy your real mom's Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa and birthday presents & wrap and ship them
Nina charges $40 an hour, which is a bargain! She is based in Brooklyn, however, so it would add up to fly her somewhere. She also has a disclaimer:
NeedAMom is just that. A Mom. NeedAMom is not a professional therapist or counselor. NeedAMom can and will give you Mom Advice and Mom Help. If you need professional help in any area, NeedAMom can refer you to real doctors, therapists, treatment centers, etc. or help you to find the right person or place to help you.
Good move. Your mom is definitely not your therapist, whether you're paying her or not.
Roommates played "Truth or Drink" with each other, and stuff got weird. In this Cut Video production, roommates asked each other questions such as "Do you ever pretend to be busy so I leave you alone?" "What do you use of mine without asking?" and "Have you ever though of me sexually?" Each time, they either have to answer or take a swig. Despite some uncomfortable stuff coming out in the conversations, there is ultimately a loving vibe between most pairs.
This cat has a "Hotline Bling" dance that beats Drake's. It was posted to Vimeo yesterday by "Andy C" and quickly went viral, probably because it combines the Internet's two favorite things—cats and Drake. Like Drake, we can only assume that the cat must be hiding a deep inner loneliness beneath its fur.
With his silky blond locks and soulful eyes, the Seattle-based man named Taylor Swift is in the unique position of receiving tons of attention while also not really existing at all.
He's just an everyday guy with a super-famous name, which is a constant source of confusion and amusement for other people. He gets teased by Starbucks employees and reads fan mail meant for the twee female singer. As a professional photographer, he's found it difficult to promote his work online because guess what comes up when you Google "Taylor Swift photography?"
Yet despite the daily comments and misdirected attention, the male Taylor Swift doesn't consider the name to be a thorn in his side. In fact, he enjoys the confidence boost that comes from reading fan mail intended for a young lady singer. It's all mad love, no bad blood.
Head over to Fox 29 to see an exclusive video of your second-favorite Taylor Swift.
Adele can make us cry, but she can't be in charge of her own Tweets. According to Mashable, The "Hello" singer admitted on a BBC special that she has to have her tweets signed off on by several people because of a history of drunk tweeting. And all this time we blamed it on the flip phone.
"Rumor has it, you're not allowed access to your own Twitter account," a member of the audience said. Adele answered:
That is true, yeah, ha ha ha. I'm not a drinker any more, but when Twitter first came out I was drunk tweeting and nearly put my foot in it quite a few times. So my management decided that you have to go through two people and then it has to be signed off by someone. But they're all my tweets. No one writes my tweets. They just post them for me. So yeah, that's very, very true.
Good! Less time on Twitter, more time making sweet jams for us to listen to on repeat while sobbing in public.
In a partnership with the campaign It's On Us, College Humor put out this PSA about sexual violence on campus. It features a lot of familiar faces, most of which have been on New Girl. It's a funny comparison, a popular tactic for instructive videos on the ways people talk about sexual assault, but it's also a bit of a mixed metaphor. The guys are being attacked by a bear, but the guys also need take responsibility and speak up about being attacked by a bear… soooo if women are being sexually assaulted, then women need to speak up about being sexually assaulted? Yet it seems like the campaign is largely targeting young men and asking them to come forward and support women. It's confusing! Just watch Jake Johnson get attacked by a bear, and you'll see:
Not surprisingly, comments on this video have been disabled.
Teachers have to deal with that parent every year, and because of professional and confidentiality stuff, they oftentimes don't have an outlet to make fun of them—that is, until now. A Reddit user put out a call to teachers to share their most ridiculous parent quotes, and they quickly flocked to the thread with some horrifying and hilarious sound bites. Here are the prime cuts.
"She doesn't have to be smart, she has to be pretty. She will find a rich man, marry him and never use chemistry again."
"I have clothes older than you."
Maybe not the most outrageous interaction, but it came with a twist.
I had a helicopter parent get extremely aggressive and threatening when his daughter was given a B on her progress report. Whatever, dude. It's not a real grade, chill. The student later earned an A because it was deserved, not because dad was bullying me.
Fast forward about a year, he was arrested while on the family vacation to the home country for arranging and paying for his wife's murder.
I wasn't that shocked, honestly.
Student's mom told me, in detail, about her vaginal reconstructive surgery. Apparently she had it done because, after having children, her vagina "just kept falling out!"
I teach math in an inner city middle school. I once had a parent tell me that I "need to treat her with respect" because she had a "master's degree in typing" and is not "your typical trap bitch". Needless to say, she was the typical trap bitch.
I was told I had their permission to punish their child if they were not getting 100's on everything. This was in an elementary school.
Not sure if applicable, but I am a college instructor and have a few students that are parents.
One asked me if I would like to do blow with her in the parking lot after class.
That clearly the reason their son was making inappropriate, sexual comments towards me was because I was "enticing him with flirtatious private meetings". They were referring to the times I had to keep him back after class to lecture him on his behaviour. I actually said "Are you fucking kidding me?", which, I admit, was also an inappropriate comment.
A friend had a parent that insisted she re-do all the report cards using software he created, rather than the software used by the school board. The parent also complained that it was unfair his child was given 0 on assignments the kid didn't do, because nobody had explained that not doing the assignments would affect the overall grade.
Had a parent conference after, in just the first week, the 15 year old boy told me to fuck off when I asked him to get to work on the assignment, then after I didn't throw him out after hearing that, screamed "fuck you, you can't tell me what to do" repeatedly as I finally DID walk him to the office.
Parent says the next day, "you should just let him get his way. It's easier"
A parent last year apologized for her son's attendance (45%) because she's had him in counseling for the past 6 months to help him cope with the loss of their hamster. 6 months of therapy. For a hamster. Never in my 19 years as an educator did I ever feel guilty for feeling zero sympathy for a chronic attendance excuse.
I had a friend who got a 97 on his tests so his parent refused to make him dinner. They let him make something himself, but he was not allowed to eat with them.
A few years ago, I had a couple come in to discuss the behavior of a child who kept disrupting class. He would curse, make flip his peers off and made other inappropriate gestures. Eventually I got sick of it and called them in.
I don't know what kind of bullshit story he told them in order to make me look like the bad cop -- I was actually appalled when his father had the audacity to call me a "fucking neanderthal" for whatever the son told them I did to him. His mother wasn't much better either, saying that I was a buffoon for my actions. The punishment I gave him stuck, and I'm still questioning what kind of parents they were to this day.
Parent: "I find it quite frankly ridiculous that what you CLAIM happens bares absolutely no resembalance to the statement my 12 year old son has written for me detailing the incident, and it's quite franky appalling that you expect me to discuss it with you now whilst he is not sat beside me to verify that you are telling me the truth."
I nearly hung up on that one... Before explaining that I didn't find it that "ridiculous" that her son might have forgotten to mention that he hit another child around the face, called me a "f-ing bitch" and threatened to punch my lights out.
This was the same mother who told me that I was denying her child's "student voice" ... I told her he was allowed a student voice when used approproiately, not when his "student voice" was aggressively threatening me.
I'm finding that I'm understanding my students a lot more once I've spoken to their parents.
Teacher training does not place enough emphasis on advice for handling difficult parents...
One time, a parent whose kid committed plagiarism on an assignment about the Watergate scandal actually called me Nixon and demanded my resignation. For, you know. Pointing out that their kid committed plagiarism.
Thirteen-year-old Brandon Williams saved his classmate Jessica Pellegrino from choking on an apple with a little help from SpongeBob SquarePants. The students attend Barnes Intermediate School in Staten Island, NY. Brandon, who is autistic, sprang into action and knew to perform the Heimlich maneuver because he remembered seeing it in on an episode of SpongeBob. Let that be a lesson to any parents who expressly prohibit their kids from watching cartoons or sitting too close to the TV. Watching cartoons could one day help save a life. Brandon's dad gives him all the credit:
He picks up on things that most of us would miss, and files it all away in his head, and he can recall it all in an instant. That's how he knew instantly what to do. And we're glad he did. We're proud of him.
The class held a party for Jessica and the man of the hour, Brandon. Some of the students and parents at the school think Brandon deserves a medal, but he disagrees:
I don't need a medal. I'm good, I'm good.
Hey, there was a Democratic debate on MSNBC on Friday night! Well, a Forum. Well, Rachel Maddow gave Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Martin O'Malley three separate job interviews. Too busy partying, you say? No sweat, we took notes for you. Here are our top 20 tweets of the debate. (Donni Saphire has favorited over 610,000 tweets on Twitter and he loves them all equally. He reads and evaluates everyone's attempts to single-handedly win elections in 140 characters so you don't have to.)
