A high school senior in New Zealand found out he had cancer just days before graduation and gave an inspiring speech that's gone viral. Jake Bailey, the Senior Monitor (NZ's version of class president) of Christchurch Boys' High School, was diagnosed with Burkitt lymphoma near the end of October. It's an aggressive form of cancer that requires intensive chemotherapy. The doctors told him that if he wasn't treated, he would die in the next three weeks. He started treatment and wasn't supposed to be able to make the ceremony, but managed to show up in a wheelchair to address his peers.

He tells his classmates to focus on short-term goals in the service of the big picture, to focus on doing over criticizing, and to be grateful for what they've been given. It's a well-crafted speech that's met with raucous applause and a "haka" chant from his classmates. They then sing the school song for him.

Luckily, it seems that Jake is doing better than some people think. According to the school's headmaster:

Some of the stories have painted a more negative light on his prognosis than his reality. Jake is alive and it's going to be very tough, incredibly tough, it will be very intensive treatment. However, the prognosis is good.

Best wishes to the lad. 

5. Kylie Jenner, because people are calling her out for shaming a paparazza.

Kylie Jenner, the 18-year-old future queen bee of the Kardashian hive, has landed herself in deep honey with a poorly-conceived SnapChat post. The video records a woman taking pictures of Jenner in her car, but it's the young star's commentary that's rubbing fans the wrong way. The SnapChat was preserved and shared by the Instagram account kylizzlesnapchats:

Commenters immediately jumped on Jenner's use of the "B" word, "bitch," as well as her perceived hypocrisy for criticizing the paparazzi even though they're responsible for her family fortune. One wrote, "This WOMAN that you calling 'bitch is the one putting you on magazine covers," which is giving a lot of credit to that particular paparazzo (paparazza?).

Another commenter wrote, "Wow racist and sexist. So much for that bullying campaign and role model," which is weird because Jenner didn't say anything about the woman's race. Is it too much to ask that people get the outrage straight in this story? It's confusing.

4. 50 Cent, because Vivica A. Fox thinks he doth protest too much about "gay stuff."

Vivica A. Fox appeared on Watch What Happens: Live over the weekend to promote her guest starring role in season 2 of Empire. While she was there, host Andy Cohen asked her about comments made by her ex, 50 Cent, blaming the show's dwindling ratings on too much "gay stuff." Watch how she responded:

Yikes! This Fox has claws. Is she really insinuating that Fiddy is a closet homosexual, or is she just hitting him where it hurts, in that way only exes can do? If you need a refresher, here's the magazine cover she was referencing:

She may have a point. Of course, there's nothing inherently embarrassing about this cover (except for being associated with Soulja Boy), but it is pretty hypocritical of 50 Cent to criticize a show on homophobic grounds when this image is on the public record. That didn't stop him from firing back, however, writing on Instagram, "Now she thinks I'm gay because I let her lick my Ass. LMAO."

Since the incident, TMZ reports that Fox has apologized to Soulja Boy, but not to 50. Probably because of the ass line. Or else because he said that the bullet lodged in his tongue is great for oral. There are plenty of reasons.

3. IHOP patrons whose cars were swallowed by a giant sinkhole.

Have you ever eaten too many pancakes and wished the Earth would swallow you whole? Then you might be jealous of customers at an International House of Pancakes in Meridian, Mississippi, who had the next-best/worst thing happen to them. They emerged from the restaurant to find their cars eaten like so many pork sausage links by a sinkhole.

The hole, which at 50 feet wide and 125 feet long is half the size of a football field, opened spontaneously around 7:15 on Saturday night and promptly sunk at least 14 vehicles 30 feet into the mud, where they may sink further. What's more, efforts to lift the cars have been delayed because of rain. It's a situation as sticky as maple syrup and as tragic as fake maple syrup. Luckily, there were no injuries.

To make it even sadder, this IHOP location had only opened for business a week ago. Is this a sign that Meridian is not meant to have an IHOP, or is the local Waffle House just practicing black magic? The world may never know.

2. Kanye West, because he forgot the lyrics to his own song.

Like a good son-in-law, Kanye West went to Kris Jenner's $2 million Great Gatsby-themed 60th birthday party this weekend. And like a good international bestselling rapper, he performed a few of his classic hits while he was there.

At least he tried to. Page Six reports that during the impromptu concert, West was onstage with singer Charlie Wilson when Wilson unexpectedly launched into West's 2010 hit "See Me Now." He passed West the mic to take over, only to have a blank-faced Yeezy admit, "I don't remember the words!" Have the last five years been such a rollercoaster that West doesn't remember his own discography? Yes, obviously.

He's still a pro, though. He quickly transitioned into singing "In Da Club" by 50 Cent. He had no trouble remembering those words, ironically. He even pronounced them correctly, despite the disadvantage of not having a bullet in his tongue. What a trooper.

1. French McDonald's employees shut down for selling weed from the drive-thru.

In a shameless example of the entrepreneurial spirit being senselessly crushed, eight employees at a McDonald's in central France were fired after their colleagues learned that they were operating a pot-dealing ring out of the restaurant. It's perfect synergy, people!

These continental burger-flippeurs had it down to a science. An employee told Le Progrès newspaper, "They were cutting up the weed, weighing it, and bagging it at the salad bar." When customers wanted to make a deal, they would text one of the workers, who would then arrange a time to meet. The customer would order from the drive-thru, and find a little something extra in the bag along with their burgers: illegal drugs.

The operation, which had been running since 2013, was eventually brought down by diminishing standards at the franchise overall. Employees would have long parties in the restaurant after-hours with drugs, alcohol, and gambling. They also were not meeting the health code. One worker told the paper, "Some people were smoking joints, then cooking without washing their hands."

It sounds gross, but in a way it makes perfect sense. If there's one thing in the world that makes people more comfortable with eating fast food with unsanitary preparation, it's weed.

Are you getting tired of fighting in the comment sections of YouTube videos of Corgis? Is calling an apple pie a racial slur not giving you the satisfaction it once did? Well, now you can make good on all your idle Internet threats with Rumblr, the terrifying new app that's been dubbed, "Tinder for Fighting."

According to their website, "Rumblr is an app for recreational fighters to find, meet and fight other brawl enthusiasts nearby." This real life Fight Club helps you find strangers to hit, because if you're this angry, you probably don't have any friends.

Besides swiping, there's also a chat function to trash talk your matches/potential murderer. The website offers this pro tip: "Tell your match what you don't like about their picture." For example "Bro your face is pissing me off." Make sure you say "Bro" as much as possible on this (or any) site. 

The beta for the fighting app starts today, so let's get ready to ruuummmmble.*

*Call the police and cry forever.

A few days ago a woman named Charlie Edge stood outside British Parliament in a pair of white pants with two friends and her "Aunt Flo." The ladies were synched up and ready to free bleed all over their government's doorstep. But why? Because they're protesting the taxes put on sanitary products like pads, tampons and maternity pads, all of which are categorized as "luxury items." So, they pulled out those luxurious tampons to show what it looks like when you don't treat containing your period as an absolute necessity. Here are some pics, because you know you want to look:

She writes:

CONTENT WARNING: BLOOD.

Today i am forgoing tampons and pads outside the houses of parliament to show how 'luxury' tampons really are. 
We are also raising money to buy tampons for homeless shelters, womens shelters and the refugee crisis. 
We're getting lots of dirty looks and someone just shouted at us to get a job.

But everyone keeps saying "haha omg how quickly would we get free tampons if everyone stopped wearing them?!" 
So, I'm giving it a go.

Taxes are necessary, i get it. 
So are tampons/ pads.

They're not luxury items, anymore than jaffa cakes, edible cake decorations, exotic meats or any other number of things currently not taxed as luxury items.

Maternity pads are taxed, but incontinence pads arent.
We've had enough. Maybe bleeding on their doorstep will get the tories to do something about this?

Charlie wrote a follow up post in response to the people hating on her for bleeding quietly in public for the day. She says that if you're grossed out, that pretty much proves her point:

So, basically, even if you hate Charlie Edge, you kinda either support her mission or you support never sitting safely on a subway seat again.

An 11-year-old girl is speaking out after being shamed by One Million (obnoxious) Moms for having two dads. The anti-gay-marriage group started a boycott of American Girl magazine after the publication featured Amaya Scheer, her dads Rob and Reece, and her three brothers, all of whom were adopted out of foster care. In a statement, they wrote:

We must remain diligent and stand up for biblical values and truth. Scripture says multiple times that homosexuality is wrong, and God will not tolerate this sinful nature. American Girl doesn’t highlight other sins in their magazine.

How many moms are actually members of One Million Moms? 5? 6? A Baker's Dozen? Amaya and her dads and her little brother Greyson were interviewed on Good Day DC about the controversy, and Amaya had the perfect response:

“This is none of your business.” From the mouths of babes.

Her dads, meanwhile, want to draw attention to the irony that One Million Moms are trying to undermine a family of foster children, saying:

These were moms that were saying that my family was wrong, that the love that my husband and I are giving our four kids and what we’re doing was wrong. I would expect moms not to say these type of things about our family.

But at the same time, these are a ‘million moms,’ they could really be helping the 364,000 kids in foster care. This is our family and it works for us. And you know what? We have four amazing kids that we adopted out of foster care. These are four kids that have fulfilled our life more than we ever thought.

So to the Million Moms, I say to them, ‘You know what? Go to your local foster care agency, those kids could really use your help and not worry about the Sheer family.

Sinful!

At Saturday's Rock n' Roll Marathon in Savannah Georgia, Robert McCoy was 200 yards from the finish line when he had a nasty fall—so a cop helped him finish the race.

After McCoy fell, bloodying his face and legs, a bunch of cops and paramedics rushed over to help him. One of them, Sgt. John Cain, could sense that McCoy wanted to finish the race. He helped him up and they finished the race together, with a paramedic trailing them on a bike.

Ya did good, McCoy. Now go clean yourself up.

In what might be the fanciest scientific study ever, researchers at Reading University in Berkshire, United Kingdom have suggested that drinking Champagne might help ward off Alzheimer's and dementia. According to KCCI, the researchers discovered that "pinot noir and pinot meunier, two ingredients used to make champagne, contain compounds that can ward off brain diseases and boost spatial memory." Biochemistry professor Jeremy Spencer did specify that it was "moderate" Champagne consumption that generated positive results, about three glasses a week, so unfortunately, this isn't your excuse to drink a bottle of Champagne a day.

So far, the study has only been done on rats, which were hopefully wearing tiny top hats and spats while drinking their Champagne. Researchers hope to move to human research soon, though. As for the benefits of other drinks, there is testimonial evidence that the Champagne of Beer yields the same results.

Julian Hernandez, the guy who discovered he was kidnapped while applying to college, has said a little more about the experience. Unfortunately, the reason why he's said more is because someone linked his anonymous requests for legal advice on Reddit to the story about his kidnapping. Since then, Julian has unsurprisingly deleted his original post and his previous Reddit account, but he did make a throwaway account to say this in reply to a comment that linked him with the news story:

Yes this is me.

So I've delete that post and the comments that followed it. It doesn't matter though since its already been seen.

I was really emotional at the time. A lot of the things I said in those posts were simply fueled by confusion, anger, rumors, lies, etc. Please take everything I said there with a grain of salt.

I don't want to do any public speaking at the moment, yet news agencies showed up at my school today and I had to be driven home by cops, where we found more news people waiting.

I also want to say that some of the things news agencies have been saying are incorrect. I'll set the record straight when I sort out the rest of my life.

I'm commenting this here because I don't know where else to say it.

It's a good reminder that every person who's the subject of a crazy news story is also a real person. Who probably uses the Internet. And can be hurt by other people's actions. And sometimes just wants to ask a dang legal question during a difficult time without getting his spot blown up.

Thankfully, the people who have replied to his comment have mostly done so with empathy for Julian's difficult situation. 

It's sweater weather season, soon to become Ugly Sweater Party season, so it's time to get that perfect fall body. Last night, Nick Offerman and Jimmy Fallon met the meat, from the burgers to the brots, with a healthy side of Wisconsin cheese curds. It got quite romantic as they began to Lady in the Tramp a kielbasa. 

If you've never heard of Cassi Van Den Dungen, she was a contestant on Australia's Next Top Model when she was 16. Now at 23 she has about 9,000 followers on Instagram. With that many followers she seems to have an expectation of likes, which is not unreasonable: it's a numbers game, baby! And she posts pretty pics of herself:

And sometimes she posts "inspirational" stuff, like this simple message about experiencing adventure:

Now Cassi is experiencing the greatest adventure of all: fighting with anonymous people on the Internet. Though the post now has more likes, at first only 14 people agreed with Cassi's banal VagueStagraming. She lashed out at her followers for not supporting her journey to a bread and breakfast with this post:

It reads:

After going away on an amazing holiday/road trip I come home to see my post on new adventures had only 14 likes......The lowest amount I've ever had on Instagram...

I have to say, I’m pretty shocked because this, to me, either means that people A) don’t like me having new adventures, as if I’m not allowed fun, or B) it means people don’t like new adventures… Either way, all I have to say to those people who didn’t like my post and don’t like having fun is… YOU ALL SUCK!!!! Adventures are fun and I'll enjoy every one I have. 

To the 14 people who did like my post.....WOOOW!!!! Bring on new adventures!!!!!!

Very unsurprisingly, Cassi's fans didn't love being told they suck. You might even say they didn't "like" it. The negative comments rolled in:

Cassi has responded to the backlash with a long rambling post about how it was all a joke, duh:

The comments on that aren't much better. It's hard not to feel sorry for Cassi, who has been taught to value herself for her looks and likes since she was a teenager. What social media platform rewards people for those things more than Instagram? Cassi's next adventure should probably be logging off for awhile.

You know what they say: "Ovaries Before Brovaries." It's only reasonable to extend that to:"Girl Code Before Mean, Median and Mode." 

Fourth-grader Maddy Douglas is a great student. She was doing her math homework when she stumbled upon a question that was supposed to be a test of patterning but was actually a test of girl code. 

The question was about a group of high school swingers and asked students to figure out who dated whom, which is already an inappropriate question for the fourth grade. Even worse is that it promotes challenging ethics. In response to the question, Maddy wrote,

"I can't answer this problem because my mom says acoording to girl code you shouldn't date a friends x boyfriend."

That's right. Girl code.

Maddy's mom was proud of her daughter, and also dubious about the question to begin with.

"I consider myself to be a completely open-minded type person and as a single mom, try to teach my children about equality and about different types of people they will encounter, but my first reaction was it was not an appropriate question for a fourth grader or really any grade," she told The Huffington Post. 

You ask weird questions, you get weird answers. Now, don't go testing the fourth-grade boys on the bro code.

Instagram photos featuring mugs of hot beverages are overdone. Instagram photos featuring mugs of hot beverages alongside leaked Game of Thrones scripts will get you followers. (Nerdy followers who can't stop talking about whether Jon Snow is stillalive, but it's all the same for your stats.)

French actor Elie Haddad tweeted a (now deleted) photo of a cup of coffee next to a tablet opened to a watermarked script. In the original photo, the text is too small to make out, but if you think Internet fluent Game of Thrones fans can't do a little simple zooming and deciphering, you have not been reading the fan theories, which are probably more well-researched than your college papers. (Spoilers, or at least, presumed spoilers, obviously follow. So commit or leave.)

Thanks to some investigating by GoT fan site Watchers on the Wall and Mashable, we know that the script seems to be a scene featuring Dothrakis discussing Daenerys, aka Khaleesi (who it looked like they were about to capture at the end of last season).

Here is, approximately, their convo:

"I like her."

"She's paler than milk."

"I bet she gets nice and pink when you pinch her."

"I'd like to know what a Khaleesi tastes like."

"Good. You can suck my dick."

So it's men having a crude discussion about taking advantage of a woman? The investigative team probably could have guessed that without all the deciphering. 

A fan also pointed out that a part of the page might say "Missandei," so it's possible (although also very highly not possible) that Daenerys's squad is there trying to save her. 

It's kind of hard to make out any of the other words on the page, but maybe they say, "Jon Snow, who has warged into the body of his direwolf, is then resurrected by Melisandre and is therefore totally still alive. Repeat, Jon Snow is alive. He is alive AF. You were right, and you're very smart. Good job." There's no way of knowing.

Pizza Hut has announced its Triple Treat Box for the holidays, which includes pizza, dessert, and sides all in one monster container.  It includes two medium pizzas, an order of breadsticks, and a pie-shaped chocolate chip cookie for $19.99. That's almost as much pizza and food as you'd find on a pizza farm. The deal is geared towards families, if you consider two stoner roommates a family. We can also look forward to video challenges of one person attempting to eat the whole thing on their own. It's inevitable. Jared Drinkwater, Vice President of Marketing at Pizza Hut, explained why this promotion will enrich the lives of those that order it:

We believe the Triple Treat Box brings the pizza and products that customers have always loved from Pizza Hut in a very fun, inviting holiday box that definitely can make every day a holiday. While it’s always fun to get pizza, getting pizza in a special gift-wrapped box can add even a little more excitement to pizza night. 

Admittedly, the tiered shelves in a stacked pizza box are a fun feat of packaging engineering, and there's no doubt it's inviting. But if you consider this thing a gift-wrapped box, there's a chance your family has set a low threshold for what constitutes a gift. Let's call it what it is: a fun and inviting way to eat as many carbs and calories as possible. Just like Nick Offerman recently did with Jimmy Fallon. Or how this portable pizza pouch frees up your hands while you eat.

Even if it isn't wrapped in actual gift paper, you'll still want to rip it open and not share it with any of your siblings. So perhaps it is the most exciting gift after all. Happy holidays and happy eating.

A gay guy gave his number to a straight guy at a wedding, and the straight guy charmed the Internet by being totally chill and not a dick about it. Imgur user mattim0s posted yesterday about an accidentally lovely text exchange he had with a guy he met at his cousin's wedding reception. Near the end of the night, the guy came up to him, told him he was into him, and gave him his number. mattim0s decided to text him later that night, letting him know that he was straight, but commending him on his bravery for coming up to him cold:

Here's the full story:

I was at my cousins wedding reception and had just sat down from dancing. It was nearing the end of the night at this time so I was pretty secluded from everyone. A man walked up to me who I hadn't seen before and nervously said "what's your name?" I replied, "Chad, what's yours?" He said "Shane, I just wanted to let you know that I have noticed you all night. I wanted to leave this with you before I left." He handed me a piece of paper and quickly walked out. It was his number. Without knowing if I was straight or not he had built up the guts to put himself out there. I thought it was extremely brave and I know it's something I wouldn't be able to do. I'm sharing this to remind everyone to live their lives without regrets. Almost all of my regrets come from the things I didn't do, not the things I did. I will be living my life more like this man and I suggest you all do as well. Good night.

You know when people ask "What's the worst that can happen?" when you're unsure of whether or not to talk to someone? This is pretty much it.

These Hedgehog Muffins are so cute you'll want to (metaphorically) eat the lil' guys right up. YouTuber "Fabulous Mr. Pug" basically filmed a bunch of hedgehogs gradually waking up from napping in a muffin tray. It's pretty amazing—they fit perfectly into the muffin slots and just look like indiscriminate little balls of spiny fur.

Nom nom nom. 

Taryn Eason has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a condition that gives people overly flexible joints and stretchy, fragile skin. It also allows for some really great party tricks, as Taryn demonstrates with her hands. Her fingers can do a ridiculous amount of stretching, which she reveals with a smile on her face for the entire video. She's probably happy to do it because it made her famously popular in elementary school. It's a remarkable use of her hands, right up there with the guy that can pull moles out of the ground and this deaf man's mesmerizing finger dancing.

It's great that Taryn has decided to embrace her quirky talent. It more than makes up for never being able to accept the declaration of a thumb war. Also, it's unclear whether or not she has an extreme advantage or disadvantage while solving a Rubik's Cube.

People are having sex with each other, which is nice. Good job! 

But what do people do after all the fun is had? Wonder no more. People are sharing their post-sex routines on Reddit, and they are very practical and charmingly graphic. Here are the best answers:

1. This person who promptly pees. 

Pee immediately. Utis and kidney infections are not fun. Neither is semen dripping down your leg or into your butt crack 

-Stacieinhorrorland

2. This person flying solo.

I close all the tabs and wipe off whatever might have gotten on my hand.

-Narwheagle. 

3. This guy who dries, rinses, and repeats.

My girlfriend insists we test the condom with water after using it. Every. Single. Time. So that's my super sexy post-sex routine. She also finds my flaccid penis extremely humorous so no laying there naked or she'll start poking it and laughing at it.

-matig123

4. This guy whose penis is good for a laugh.  

My girlfriend also enjoys laughing at my flaccid penis. It's okay though, I didn't expect a flaccid penis to be good for anything anyway. Might as well have a laugh!

-TalkingFromTheToilet

5. This guy who is very resourceful. 

The nearest piece of clothing becomes the 'wiper'.

-FORTRESSOFHERCULES

6. This person who makes cleaning fun.

Husband typically either cums inside me, on my stomach, face or mouth. Usually will blow/lick him a bit to clean him up then I'll leave to clean myself up and come back to bed to cuddle.

-Body_Is_A_Prison

7. The couple who quickly clean.

We sit there for like a minute... then I roll off the bed and shuffle to the bathroom to avoid dripping. I pee and cough a few times and that does a pretty good job of getting stuff out. Clean up with wipes or shower.

Husband rolls off his side. He sometimes uses the same bathroom, sometimes goes to the other one. He too pees, cleans off.

We get dressed and either go to bed or go watch some television. There aren't usually a lot of cuddles. We give each other props, you know, good job and what not... but we aren't too big on relishing the moment. In fact, keeping the sheets clean is probably a higher priority. Nothing is worse than realizing you have to change the sheets and all you want to do is sleep.

-lustywench99

8. This guy who loves Bob's Burgers. 

Eat.

I'm not exaggerating. The greatest moment of my life was having me sitting in bed watching Bob's Burgers with a Publix chicken tender sub right after awesome sex and a hot big boobed chick sleeping naked next to me.

It's been two years and I still haven't been able to recapture that moment.

-dmkicksballs13

9. This person who is living the dream.

I wake up and realize I'm all alone again.

Damn you dreams.

-Venieth

10. This person with very modern jokes. 

Zip up and give your mom cab fare.

-justburch712

11. This Redditor who really loves to Reddit. 

Go pee, clean-up, usually bring him back a hot towel, get in bed, browse reddit. He usually gets up in a few minutes, throws the towel in the hamper, then brings me a snack.

-Stellaaahhh

12. This person living the old-fashioned movie star life.

Smoking a cigarette. Although, it sucks in my new apartment where I can no longer smoke inside, but seriously a post sex cigarette is a really awesome thing.

-eDgAr-

13. This person who would have to pay attention to Cumberbatch.

I have a beer and put on an episode of Sherlock Holmes (the jeremy Brett version) and i make sure it's one I've seen before so that I don't have to pay as much attention  

-Alias416-

14. This female with an attention to detail.

Female here: Eyes closed reach for ANY piece of clothing to clear the cum out of my eyelid area, open eyes (Silently swear about the burn, and immediately close eyes again) Get up and try as hard as possible not to leave a trail of cum droplets on my way to the sink, still eyes closed. Wash face, tits, stomach, hands then go pee, double check that there's no cum in my hair (if yes, make note to come back and shower ASAP), if no, make note to shower before leaving house. Too fucking weak to shower, legs barely work. Throw cum drenched.... Tank top? into the laundry bin (make note of which one it is so I don't try and wear it tomorrow). Get a drink of water and collapse back on the bed and hope he doesn't want to try and cuddle, cause my jaw is fucking sore as shit and it's like 100 degrees inside. Fall asleep naked and barely covered in blankets and feeling pretty damn great

-jennamay22

15. This couple of ticklish people.

Cuddle with the girlfriend, wipe junk off with t-shirt/towel/those cherry-smelling wipes she keeps in the end table. There's a 20% chance the cuddling turns into a tickle fight.

Pee and wash hands/face after I leave the room.

-ZeroPaladn