Jon Stewart performed at the Stand Up for Heroes benefit for wounded veterans in New York on Tuesday, and he couldn't help but take a few classic swipes at the presidential candidates. After announcing his retirement from The Daily Show, it was hard for fans to imagine an election without him. He has popped into public view a few times since his last show, even making some fun appearances during wrestling matches. His performance at the November 10 benefit was classic Stewart, and not one leading presidential candidate was spared from his skilled wrath.

Jon kicked things off by commenting on his retirement appearance and beard:

This is so exciting for you. I can't believe it: Jon Stewart's grandfather is here! Look at me. Look what happened. I left TV two months ago. What the f##k happened? I'm old as s##t now. How long did it take Tom Hanks in Cast Away?

Stewart wasted no time in directing his attention to the election and Donald Trump. Trump is the guy he loves to hate, and whose popularity he finds baffling:

Are we really doing this Donald Trump thing? We're really doing that as a country? He's f##ked. I like to put my name in giant letters on everything I own as much as the next guy, but the only other people that do that are like 8-year-olds going to camp.

He did not forget the second front-runner in the GOP race, Ben Carson:

He says the softest spoken crazy s##t I've ever heard. You watch him in the debates: 'All I said was ObamaCare is like slavery' ... When I was young I nearly killed a nun with a ... hammer. 

Just as on The Daily Show, he ensured the Democrats received their fair share of mockery:

Hillary Clinton's going to be president. Even if she loses, she will f##kng be president. She will not be denied.

And while Joe Biden opted not to run, Stewart of course had some fun at his expense:

Biden? Have you watched him during the State of the Union? It’s like watching a guy work a sales convention. The president is talking and the vice president is behind him like this: 'Hey, boom,' 'Hey, sugar tits.' 'Oh, hey, what’s happening?' 'What’s going down?' 'Nice to see you.' 'What’s up, governor?' 'Boom.'

Jon's political humor and wit are dearly missed. Hopefully he will grace a few more benefits with his standup before the election in 2016. 

Today in"Stars: they're just like us," Jennifer Lawrence discussed how difficult it is for her to get a date in the December issue of Vogue. "No one ever asks me out. I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me," she told the women's magazine, "I know where it’s coming from, I know they’re trying to establish dominance, but it hurts my feelings. I’m just a girl who wants you to be nice to me. I am straight as an arrow." (Hehe, an arrow, like Katniss!)

"I feel like I need to meet a guy, with all due respect, who has been living in Baghdad for five years who has no idea who I am," she elaborates, exciting both active servicemen and Iraqi natives. She even joked to the reporter, "Cheers to my hymen growing back!"

"I can't wait to be married," she continues, "I feel like if I find that one person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, who I want to be the father of my children, that I would absolutely not f—k it up."

But, she concludes, "I’m also not banking on that."

The normos feel you, Jen.

An Australian Muslim woman named Susan Carland is turning all the negative Islamophobic tweets she gets into something altruistic. Because she gets a lot of them. Even though Carland works in the relatively quiet world of academia, she is frequently in the public eye because her husband, Waleed Aly, is a popular news host. Though the couple seems to pursue fairly serious lines of work, Carland definitely has a sense of humor:

Even though she gets lots of messages like this (and much worse):

So she's laughing at the haters and donating a dollar per nasty tweet to UNICEF:

Everyone's happy. Hate-filled people are still hate-filled, Carland can laugh at them, and UNICEF gets cash:

Her decision is even inspiring other people to donate:

This is the ultimate real-life example of how to turn something negative to a positive and also appropriately use the sunglasses emoji.

A judge removed a child from her lesbian foster parents, citing the fact that they're lesbians as his main reasoning. April Hoagland and Beckie Peirce are a legally married couple living in the LGBT haven of Salt Lake City, Utah. They have been raising a foster baby for the last three months. Despite the fact that they passed the mandatory background checks, home inspections, interviews, and human cage matches required to foster a child, a judge recently ruled their baby to be reassigned to the home of a heterosexual couple. He claimed that "there was a lot of research that indicated children who are raised in same-sex parent homes do not do as well as children who are raised by heterosexual parents." He didn't cite any specific evidence in his argument, begging the question, "Who judges the judges?"

In addition to being prejudiced against same-sex couples, he is going against the wishes of the baby's biological mother. She wants her child to be with Hoagland and Pierce; the baby has "thrived" in their home. The lawyer of the baby's biological mother also noted that the judge didn't point to any actual scientific research when making his argument, but simply said that "a myriad" of studies supported his claim. He was basically saying, "I read it an an article somewhere."

April and Beckie have appealed the judge's decision and another hearing will be held in December. The state agency that deals with foster children—the Division of Child and Family Services—wants to do "what's best for the child." They are fine with "[a]ny loving couple" raising children if if they qualify, but they also have to comply with the judge's orders. 

Pierce doesn't like the fact that the judge is making an assumption about them having "never spent time with the child in [their] home or [their] other children." (Beckie and April are also raising Beckie's two children, who are 12 and 14.) They are also against the judge "[imposing] his religious beliefs on their family." It's unclear whether he's actually religious or just an a-hole.

Luckily, the couple has one supporter with a bit of clout:

Unfortunately, that clout doesn't really count in Utah. 

Richard Johnson is a single dad who penned an emotional letter to the Facebook page of Life of Dad. Life of Dad is a social network and resource for dads to share helpful stories, tips, and resources. In his letter, Johnson explains how he unexpectedly ended up raising his daughter, Persephone, alone. He's grateful for Life of Dad for ensuring he does not feel alone as a single father:

Life of Dad,

My name is Richard Johnson, and I'm a single father to a beautiful little girl named Persephone. Her mother left about a month after she was born. We still don't know exactly why, but we suspect post-partum depression played a part. In the first few weeks of it being just her and me, I stumbled upon your page by accident. I was so nervous and scared about being a father in general, but now I was a single father and had to fulfill two roles. I wasn't sure I could do it.

I had read every "new parent" book I could find and clocked in over 1000 hours in YouTube videos from everything to braiding hair and painting nails to theories on how to deal with common parental issues. I then started to watch your page more closely and saw that there were other fathers out there who were in similar predicaments as me. The page started to turn into a major confidence booster and really helped me through all of this. 

I always look forward to photo submissions and reading the stories of some of the awesome dads out there in this community. You truly helped my daughter and me through a very difficult time.

We're both very happy now and continue to grow together everyday. She's now 10 months, and I now get asked by my friends for parenting advice constantly. We've come a long way, my daughter and me, and we definitely owe part of that to this page and the people within it. So from both of us, we wanted to thank you. 

Sincerely, 
Persephone & Richard Johnson

Sounds like Richard is a dedicated father and off to a great start. He's even more of an inspiration than the dad that let his young daughter tattoo him or the dad that writes super corny notes for his kids when they're late for school. Persephone is lucky to have him.

The theme restaurant experience is not as popular as it used to be, with the novelty of the Rainforest Café wearing off more every day. But a restaurant in Islamabad, Pakistan, has decided to spice up the theme experience by picking a ridiculous and offensive theme. 

While not officially designed to honor violence against women, the menu and marketing suggest that that's the restaurant's shtick.

Its marketing includes a variety of memes that express disappointment in women who don't make sandwiches. 

Once people started calling Table No. 5 out on it, the management issued a clarification:

They shared this pic from their marketing meeting:

Time will tell if it's possible for them to make sandwiches that don't leave a bad taste in their customers' mouths.

On Monday, Johari Osayi Idusuyi was caught on camera reading a book behind presidential hopeful Donald Trump at a rally in Springfield, Illinois. Many are calling what she did a protest against the xenophobic Republican. Her reading selection seems particularly intentional—Claudia Rankine's award-winning book Citizen, which is a collection of poems about race in America. But Idusuyi insists that her intention was never to disrupt Trump or bother any of his supporters. She says she actually came to see if he could change her mind.

In an interview with local news station WICS, she admitted she isn't a fan, but wondered if her opinion of Trump was largely the result of how he's portrayed in the media, so she was curious to see him in person.

I came here, yes, to observe a man that I already had low expectations for, but I thought maybe he could change my mind. Maybe it was just a media thing and I'm judging too fast based on what the media says and I was wrong, I wasn't. He was exactly what I expected him to be and his supporters are exactly what I expected them to be.

Why was Idusuyi directly behind Trump? She says she was invited to sit there by his staff for "obvious reasons." She listened to him for awhile, but the scene got ugly and she lost all interest in the proceedings. Idusuyi told Jezebel that she didn't like the way Trump dealt with some protestors:

Like I said, we went with an open mind and then it all started. There were some “Dump Trump” protesters. The way the supporters treated the protestors was really unbelievable and that’s what made me mad. All four of us as a collective group, our energy shifted. The way Donald Trump said, “Get them out of here”—when you say those words, that activates your supporters to be able to be the same way. Then there was a man who snatched a lady’s Obama hat. She was one of the protesters and was leaving and her hair just went with the hat. Then he threw it into crowd and everybody cheered. I thought, “That’s bullying. That’s aggressive.” I don’t think Trump handled it with grace. I thought, “Oh, you’re really not empathetic at all.” That’s when the shift happened.

To hear 10,000 people cheer for something so disrespectful is what made me so mad. And that’s when I was like, I am now genuinely not interested in your speech. I wanted to leave, but I came, I’m in the middle, I’m on camera, so I might as well read because I don’t have anything else to do. I’m not going to waste my time listening to somebody who I can’t respect anymore, so I started to read.

After Idusuyi took out her book, a couple sitting nearby tried to get her to put it away. When she refused, they gave her the death stare, but she didn't stop reading. Johari Osayi Idusuyi is inspiring readers and peaceful protesters, and encouraging Trump security to search people for reading materials at the door.

Beauty blogging is serious business, and with so many beauty bloggers out there, sometimes it's hard to stand out. Tracy Kiss—a blogger, model, and mother of two—beats them all thanks to the spoils of beating off. To manage her wrinkles, she casually massages her face with a beauty product also known as semen. 

Her generous friend "harvests the materials" for her; she herself "is not involved in the semen extraction."

She previously posted an official product review of semen on her blog, writing:

As the beauty consumer, it is our own personal preference to ensure that products we use are acquired from an organic and sustainable source, manufactured in a safe and non-hazardous way and not tested on animals if this concerns you as it does me. Unfortunately for my semen facials a human organic cock is badly beaten on a regular basis in order to produce a mask, which some people may find disturbing; however I am reliably informed that the level of distress was kept to a minimum at all times, as obviously battery cocks cannot provide the produce required or I would have been well stocked for life. I would also like to stress that I am not present during the donation process, as I simply receive it in a plastic container fresh from a sensible friend who delivers it to me after in his own time.

She concludes, "Afterwards my skin is fresher, brighter and looks and feels so much better. My makeup sits nicer on my skin without cracking or caking, and my skin tone is improved and less reddened as it cools and soothes my face."  

Congratulations, dudes. If your partner consents, you can fulfill your fantasy of moisturizing their skin.

You can watch the whole video here, if you can manage not to hurl:

After getting rejected for a second date by a woman he met on Tinder, the world's most dedicated spendthrift asked her for his coffee money back. Lauren Crouch is a London-based blogger who runs "No Bad Dates, Just Good Stories," a blog about her misadventures in the dating game. Today, she posted about meeting up with a guy for a Tinder date at a coffee shop. Things were bad from the get-go, and not just because they were both using Tinder. He wanted to meet at a nearby chain coffee shop instead of going to a cozier one that was a bit farther; within the first 20 minutes of the date he invited her to his house for dinner (which she declined); and he cut the date off early so he could receive a grocery delivery at his apartment. She decided she didn't want to see him again (good call, Lauren). He later texted her, though, asking for a second date, which she declined:

He kept pressing her, both about the date and the cooking thing:

After she said no again, he then asked her to reimburse him for the money he spent on the coffee on their first date, like a true gentleman:

Even though Lauren is a big believer in women offering to pay for dates, she didn't entertain this dude's request:

Yes you do decide yourself what to do with your money, and last night you decided to spend it on a coffee. I don’t come with a money back guarantee. Dates aren’t commodities.

At least he can be alone with his groceries now.

Alert: There's a moment in Friends when Rachel was not played by Jennifer Aniston. Some people with too much time on their hands have identified an incident that NBC, the cast of Friends, and the Illuminati never wanted you to discover. Brace yourself, because the implications are broad: if there's a moment in Friends when Jennifer wasn't Rachel, we'll need to go back and closely examine her commercials and movie roles for similar disappearances.

This conspiracy takes place in episode 15 of season 9, entitled "The One With The Mugging." There is a 1-2 second moment where someone other than Jennifer Aniston is standing in as Rachel. She's even wearing a different colored shirt than Jennifer Aniston. No longer will generations wonder whether the moon landing was a hoax, or who exactly shot JFK. They will try to determine the reasons for this mystery. Here it is:

Good luck trying to sleep tonight after seeing that. Sure, the government will say it was a stand-in or production assistant. But why? Jennifer Aniston has not responded to Someecards inquiries regarding this matter, because we don't have her contact information.

Good news, everyone! Kate Winslet is living her best life! In an interview with BBC Newsbeat, she talked about how she has time for her work, rest, and her kids. Hurray! 

I'm juggling a thousand balls and probably dropping them as good as everyone else is...I get down time and I also get to choose. As a woman, for me, that's huge because obviously I want to have time with my children and I get plenty of it so I do feel very lucky.

But then things got a bit icky when the conversation turned to...money. Yuck.

After all these years, Kate Winslet has forgotten all the wise lessons that Leonardo DiCaprio's character taught her about classism in Titanic. When asked about conversations around the gender wage gap inspired by Jennifer Lawrence speaking out publicly on how she is paid less than her male co-stars, Winslet basically said talking about money is sooooo low class:

I'm having such a problem with these conversations. I understand why they are coming up but maybe it's a British thing. I don't like talking about money; it's a bit vulgar isn't it? I don't think that's a very nice conversation to have publicly at all.

I'm quite surprised by these conversations to be honest, simply because it seems quite a strange thing to be discussing out in the open like that. I am a very lucky woman and I'm quite happy with how things are ticking along.

Delightful! She also talked about her non-experiences with sexism in a pretty dismissive way. When asked if she'd ever even had any, she answered, "Honestly no. And if I'd ever been in that situation I would have either dealt with it or removed myself from it. I find all this quite uncomfortable. I haven't ever felt that I've really had to stick up for myself just because I'm a woman."

Of course, if Kate Winslet has truly never experienced sexism, then she is an amazing unicorn running through the Elysian fields of life, and god bless. Too bad she's discouraging other women from talking about it because it makes her uncomfortable. Makes sense, though, from someone who threw a priceless diamond into the depths of the ocean for no reason.

A 13-year-old wrote an open letter to his school about the terrible racism he faces on a daily basis in his 8th grade class. His name is Za’Khari Waddy, and he attends Tabb Middle School iin Yorktown, Virginia. He's consistently made honor roll and is a strong player on the school's football team, and judging by this photo, also has a great fashion sense:

None of that has done anything to stop his classmates from being any less brutal to him:

“Ever since we’ve moved to this area my son has been faced with racism," Za’Khari's mother Zettrona Powell said in a letter to the school. "He’s been asked if he was going to rape or rob a young lady, he’s been pushed into lockers and called a n----r on numerous occasions.”

He and his mother have told to the school about it multiple times, but they haven't done anything concrete to stop it. After one of Za'Khari's classmates said "horrifically racist things" to him on the bus, they decided they had enough. Za'Khari published the following open letter to the school:

To who it may concern,

Yesterday on the football bus coming from our football game a kid ... started saying racist things to me. He then started saying he does not like blacks and he told me 200 years ago my ancestors hung from a tree and after he said that I should I hang from a tree. That made me super mad, so in the locker room I told him not to call me n----r or that I should be hung on a tree. The coaches took me away from the kid because I was really mad and they think I was going to fight him but I want someone to do something about it because I’m tired of boys messing with me because of my skin. I’m at my boiling point with this. Please do something about this because when I bring it to the office/principle you do nothing about it and I’m tired of the racism.

Still, two weeks after the letter was published, the school keeps telling them vague things like "they’ll look into it" and "the matter is being investigated." Too often, that's bureaucratic code for "We're just gonna do the bare minimum and hope this thing blows over." Hopefully that's not the case here.

A Wheel of Fortune contestant named Nura is going viral this week for her bizarre guesses during the final puzzle. On the Nov. 10 episode, during the show's Veterans Week, Nura was playing alongside two other service members and had a commanding lead. All of a sudden, she started freezing before guessing her letters. When she finally chose, the ones she named were not exactly the power players of the alphabet. When Pat Sajak asked her about it afterward in his beloved condescending style, all she said was, "That's what I saw." The whole incident is very peculiar:

In fact, the segment is so strange that some conspiracy theorist Wheel fans (is there any other kind?) believe it was deliberate. They speculate that Nura, who already had the game in the bag, was throwing a bone to her fellow veterans by taking a dive.

If you watch the clip again, that theory does seem to hold water. It's the kind of cunning ruse that you'd expect from a Jeopardy! contestant, but Wheel players are generally a more straightforward type. The world may never know the truth, but it won't stop people from enjoying the footage. Which isn't typical for Wheel of Fortune either.

Missy Elliot released a new song today (see at bottom) and the Internet is officially obsessed. WTF (Where They From) is the rapper's first solo track in 7 years, and judging by the reaction on social media, it's a hit. In true Missy style, the music video for WTF is super fun. It's got more weird-yet-amazing features than the hottest new club Stefon is talking about; awesome dancing, crazy costume changes, hoverboards, and even a slightly terrifying Pharrell marionette.

Fans flooded Twitter today with their delighted reactions, using the hashtag #WTFMissy.

Here's the video:

Good luck getting the image of those grinding puppets out of your head.

An Akron, Ohio man, Jason Bartley, says a stop for Hot Pockets saved his life on Tuesday. Seven employees of a Florida real estate investment company were on the second day of a multi-city Midwestern trip when their small jet crashed into Bartley's apartment building. Regrettably, all nine people onboard were killed. Bartley just barely avoided the crash because he was out running errands.

He left home Tuesday afternoon and took slightly longer than planned because he stopped to buy the Hot Pockets for dinner and breakfast, which might be the first time having Hot Pockets for breakfast has saved someone's life instead of shortening it. The 38-year-old factory worker says he saw flames and smoke on his drive home, and a bystander explained that a plane had just crashed into his building. Bartley says he feels lucky to be alive, but is obviously distraught over the close brush with death. He told the Akron Beacon Journal, "Sometimes you get nauseous thinking about it. It’s still even hard to comprehend."

To be clear, he's talking about the plane crash, not having Hot Pockets for both dinner and breakfast. Unfortunately, he did not have renters insurance, so a GoFundMe account has been set up to help him replace his belongings and buy him some new breakfasts and dinners.

Jennifer Lawrence recently shared her views regarding fellow Kentuckian and gay-marriage opponent Kim Davis. Although Lawrence is now a big fancy movie star, she comes from a rural background in the Bluegrass State. But (if you didn't already assume so), it turns out she and Davis have pretty opposing world-views.

Jennifer Lawrence just happened to be interviewed by Vogue's Jonathan Van Meter on the day that Davis got out ofjail, and brought up the subject in their discussion. Jennifer Lawrence, it turns out, feels very strongly about it. Davis is the Voldemnort the Lawrence household:

The day I am at Lawrence’s house also happens to be the day after the infamous county clerk Kim Davis gets out of jail, where she had been sent for defying a court order requiring her to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Lawrence brings it up, calling her that “lady who makes me embarrassed to be from Kentucky.” Kim Davis? “Don’t even say her name in this house,” she shoots back, and then goes into a rant about “all those people holding their crucifixes, which may as well be pitchforks, thinking they’re fighting the good fight. I grew up in Kentucky. I know how they are.”

She then went on to talk about her politics more broadly:

There is a rabble-rousing spirit in Lawrence that gets stirred up when certain subjects are broached. “I was raised a Republican,” she says, “but I just can’t imagine supporting a party that doesn’t support women’s basic rights. It’s 2015 and gay people can get married and we think that we’ve come so far, so, yay! But have we? I don’t want to stay quiet about that stuff.”

And of course, Trump was brought up:

“My view on the election is pretty cut-and-dried: If Donald Trump is president of the United States, it will be the end of the world. And he’s also the best thing to happen to the Democrats ever.”

Isn't she just soooooo relatable?