Dr. Laura Pinto is a digital technology professor who has begun warning everyone that the Elf on the Shelf is preparing kids to be comfortable with police state surveillance. Merry Christmas! The Elf on the Shelf has become a widely popular tradition in recent years. It's based on a 2005 book, in which elves are described as scouts that watch over people's homes and report any suppressive or subversive activity back to the North Pole. Wow. When you read it in one simple statement, it actually sounds exactly like a police state.

Pinto co-authored a paper in which the Orwellian Christmas tradition is described as:

...a capillary form of power that normalizes the voluntary surrender of privacy, teaching young people to blindly accept panoptic surveillance.

Pinto is not holed up in a basement bunker preparing for the end of freedom as we know it. She's a professor at the University of Ontario Institute of Technology. She also does not think that the Elf on the Shelf will ever be mentioned in any WikiLeaks or government cables that were released by Edward Snowden:

I don’t think the elf is a conspiracy and I realize we’re talking about a toy. It sounds humorous, but we argue that if a kid is okay with this bureaucratic elf spying on them in their home, it normalizes the idea of surveillance and in the future restrictions on our privacy might be more easily accepted.

Most kids and families that use the elf truly enjoy the game and tradition. But Pinto notes that since the publication of the paper, several parents have reached out to her with stories of kids being terrified by the idea of an elf constantly watching over them. Her larger point is that as digital communications continue to dominate our daily lives and personal information, the Elf on the Shelf might make children too accepting of actual surveillance in the future. She also feels kids would be accustomed to the idea of modifying their behavior for fear that they might be watched at any moment.

So, are kids being prepped for a future police state? Or will they grow up and tease their parents for such a weird game? Probably the latter. But until then, just to be safe, put that Elf on the Shelf in a lead box and trust no one.

Professional lip-haver Kylie Jenner discussed her social media presence, her regrets about her past, and her dreams for her future in Interview Magazine. America's favorite recent high-school graduate (soon to be dethroned by Malia Obama) gave a surprisingly interesting interview for a seemingly uninteresting person.

Here are the highlights from the Interview interview. 

1. On social media: 

I'm way flashier on Instagram and Snapchat because I feel like that's what people want to see and that's what I've always done, so I'm not going to stop. People want to see my cars and my purses . . . But that's so not me. 

2. On experimenting with her look:

Honestly, what I think set everything off is when I cut my hair off when I was 16 and dyed it blue. After that, I just felt so free and wanted to experiment with my look. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted to look like, but then once I did that, I was like, "Whoa, there's a world of difference." I just felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be, and I'm all about, like, experimenting. I'm still so young, so I'm just having fun.

3. On being the girl who has everything:

What I think is so amazing about having everything, and feeling like I have everything, is that I don't really find happiness within materialistic things. Like, it's cool if I can buy myself a new car, and I think it's amazing for a week, but then the thrill is over, and I'm like, "Oh, so I guess that wasn't really happiness." I've realized through the years that I just find happiness in other things, whether it's my dogs or my friends or, like, looking at the sunset. So if I were to wish for something else, it would just to be happy all the time, to have a superpower of not letting things affect me, and to be true to who I am, always. 

4. On being denied a normal childhood:

I feel like I'm going to look back and be like, "Damn, I wish I could've just been a kid and done normal teenage stuff that my friends get to do." But it also is a blessing, and I've done so many things that most 35-year-old women still haven't done. You can look at anything glass-half-full or whatever. Like, yesterday I realized that I'm 18, I'm a female, and I have accomplished so much. I live in a beautiful home and I work really hard, so I'm just grateful.  

5. On being bullied:

Yeah, pretty much ever since I was 9, since the show started, there's been so much bullying towards me. Like, every single day I see something negative about me. And it's just completely torn me apart. I feel like I've lost so many amazing traits because I've listened to stupid people, ignorant people who are bullies.   

6. On anxiety:

I had a lot of anxiety when I was younger, so I would just run to this hill path in the back of my mom's house and listen to Jack Johnson. I would listen to Jack Johnson and stare at the sky until my anxiety went away. When I was 16, I was always outside. We always watched the sunset, the group that I was friends with. 

7. On her ideal future:

If I could do whatever I wanted, I would have a successful makeup line, and I would want to hopefully start more businesses, and just be, like, a businesswoman. And then, hopefully, I'll go off the map. When I'm, like, 30, I want to go off the map, have a family, and live in Malibu with a farm, and just raise my own chickens. [Wallace laughs] My next goal for 2016 is to learn how to garden.

8. On college:

I'm not going to college. I have done everything to prepare for college, so if I wanted to in the future, I could go at any time. But I'm not planning on going anytime soon. [voice heard in the background] Kim just said, "Good girl!"

9. On her worst fear:

I have, like, a problem. [laughs] I wake up every morning at, like, seven or eight because I think that there's a bad story about me, and I have to check. My worst fear is waking up and finding something bad about me on the internet.

10. On her happiest memory:

Probably the moments when I laughed really hard. I feel like, as I get older, I don't laugh really hard, to the point where you cry. You just don't find things as funny.

[Author's note: That is officially the saddest thing I've ever heard.]

We don't know who was invited to Mary-Kate Olsen's secret, 50-person wedding to French banker Olivier Sarkozy. But if we confirm all of the guests who were not invited by checking with all 7.3 billion people on Earth, we can eventually figure out who was there. Let's start with the Full House cast. Bob Saget: not invited.

Saget confirmed on The Today Show that he was not in attendance: "I was not invited, but I'm very happy and I sent a Mazel Tov text." He elaborated on his happiness: "I'm very happy. I love her very much. And I hope that they're happy." Celebrity feud! Just kidding, it was a really nice message. She played his TV daughter, but he loves her just like a real one.

Saget, just like the great Matthew Perry before him, is taking the high road when it comes to being publicly asked about the secret wedding of a former costar from a wildly popular nineties sitcom. They both set wonderful examples should any major secret wedding snubs arise among the casts of Saved By The Bell, Step By Step, or Veronica's Closet.

Andrew Leigh, a Canadian politician, refused to settle for a contrived portrait of a happy family, and instead took an honest family photo this holiday season. He didn't fight his son's negative energy, but incorporated it into the photo, presenting his audience with a raw, unflinching look at the Leigh family in all its beautiful discord. No politician has ever been this upfront with their personal life.

It is truly a masterpiece of family Christmas photos.

Honestly, we should all have seen this coming. There's glitter roots, glitter beards, glitter here, glitter there. Soon there will be glitter everywhere! If you were allowed to show pubic hair on Instagram, forget it. Maybe people started with their roots, realized they'd never be able to get it off so just tried to push it to a new body part for variety. And here we are: #GlitterPits.

Now we have to call up the stewards of our armpits and have this difficult conversation: "Hello, Tom's of Maine? You're about to be put out of the deodorant business by pore-clogging bits of brightly colored reflective paper. It's a fad called Glitter Pits. Wait, what is glitter made of? Who cares, this is a fake phone call in a blog post. Buh bye!" View what your silence has wrought, people!

This whole thing really looks like it's only for the pics. No one is going to spend a party with their hands in the air like they just don't care, except the Sugarhill Gang.

Internet trolls rely on anonymity—they spread hate speech everywhere they can on the Internet because they know it won't affect them in their personal lives. But a civil rights group in Brazil is changing that with a new ad campaign called "Virtual racism, real consequences," and getting sweet satisfying revenge on racists in the process.

Criola, an organization run by and for Afro-Brazilian women, is turning racist tweets and Facebook posts into giant billboards around Brazil. But the locations aren't random—that's the truly ingenious part. Using geolocation tools, Criola is identifying where the comments were sent from, and putting up the billboards in the neighborhoods of the people who wrote them. Imagine leaving your house and seeing the worst thing you ever wrote printed in giant letters across the street. That's becoming reality for some unlucky Brazilian haters.

Of course, the names of the authors are blurred out on the billboards, so only they will know it's theirs (maybe their friends too). It takes a little bit of the fun out of the exercise, but it's probably a sensible move on Criola's part—otherwise this whole campaign would probably be illegal, and probably ruin some lives (albeit in a satisfying way).

The campaign was mounted after Maria Julia "Maju" Coutinho, a popular Afro-Brazilian weather presenter, was subjected to a flood of horrifically racist comments on the Facebook page of Nacional Journal, a news TV show.

To be honest, the more of these you read, the less you'll care about not ruining the authors' lives.

Apparently, racism in Brazil has a lot to do with cleanliness. These people aren't just hate-filled, they're also unoriginal.

Yeah, f**k these trolls. Good job, Criola!

Muni is a cross-eyed cat who has managed to become an Internet sensation on Instagram. Muni was rescued from the mean streets of Armenia by her owner, Ani Hovsepian. It takes quite a bit to be an Internet sensation as a cat these days. The competition is fierce, as there are cats posing with beer, cats that hate baths, and cats that hate their Halloween costumes even more than baths. Muni's owner notes that her only limitation is her hunting skills:

Muni being cross-eyed doesn't particularly affect her vision although it will if she goes to try and catch a bug or a fly.

Beyond that, Muni lives up to being a ham for the camera and an Internet star:

There are not many cats that will tolerate having roses put atop their heads, or amulets put around their necks. Muni is as chill as they come, and an inspirational success story to other cats that are still out on the streets because of bad choices they made in their youth.

On Saturday, commuter Kara Florish was minding her own business on the train in London when someone handed her a card and walked away. When she looked down, she was pretty surprised to find that this anonymous person had given her a nasty, fat-shaming note.

It reads:

It's really not glandular, it's your gluttony...

Our organisation hates and resents fat people. We object to the enormous amount of food resources you consume while half the world starves. We disapprove of your wasting NHS money to treat your selfish greed. And we do not understand why you fail to grasp that by eating less you will be better off, slimmer, happy and find a partner who is not a perverted chubby-lover, or even find a partner at all.

We also object that the beatiful [sic] pig is used as an insult. You are not a pig. You are a fat, ugly human.

Kara was obviously appalled and shared the card on Twitter, but some people said they thought the whole thing was fake. Because there are no horrible people in the world, duh:

Then on Monday, author Sean Thomas Knox wrote that he witnessed a similar incident on the underground as well:

The British Transport Police commented on the "organization" who call themselves Overweight Haters LTD.

Look, whoever these people are they probably live very sad, lonely lives and deserve as much pity as condemnation. In fact, they're probably just one guy, who is very good at jumping on and off trains quickly. It's only a matter of time before the train doors close on his fat-shaming ass.

At 25 years old, Otis Johnson was sentenced to 44 years in prison for the attempted murder of a police officer. He recently got out, and at age 69, the modern world is pretty baffling to him. Al Jazeera English filmed a spotlight on Johnson's post-prison life, showing him interacting with technology, new foods, and public transportation. It also delves into his personal life, with Johnson discussing his relationship to his family and his attitude towards having been incarcerated.

He's right—holding onto anger is unhealthy, and yes, peanut butter and jelly in the same jar is really weird.

Sorry to bother you, are you busy? Is what you're currently doing important? Well stop everything because a celebrity has a new hair color. Kylie Jenner has gone green. And not like a hipster-y pale aqua spliced with platinum blond and grey. Full green, like the color of a freshly mowed lawn at 10:00 a.m.

Kylie debuted her new reptilian-chic hairdo on Monday while wearing an all-white suit at the launch of her new Lip Kit. Then she shared additional photos showing her haute dinosaur-AF tresses on Instagram. She was wearing a red sweatshirt and noted that she looked like a Sriracha bottle.

Is this a true dye job, like that time she went blonde? Or is it a wig or extensions like the other billion times she's appeared with wild hair colors? Knowing Kylie, the only thing we can truly know is that we don't know, you know?

Someone caught The Beetham Tower in Manchester, UK making some really disturbing noises on a windy day. The noises are apparently caused by the tower's decorative blade, which emits synthesizer-like sounds when strong winds rush over it. Engineers have tried fixing it, but to no avail. Here's a picture of the tower:

And here's the video of the sound:

At least it's haunted by a scientific phenomenon involving wind dynamics, and not like haunted haunted. 

An anonymous wife from outside Syracuse is trying to find the woman sleeping with her husband. To warn her. The guy sounds like a bag of garbage, and his wife wants whoever the Other Woman is to know she's in for some deep sh*t if she goes any further with this guy. The Wife posted a long open letter to Craigslist. It's kind of rambling, very intense, and full of identifying details.

1. There's all the things that clued The Wife in about the Other Woman.

You left your mascara in my husband's old vehicle (he bought a newer one in late September). It was a shimmery brown Covergirl.

I think you left some clothes here too. I threw them away. You also left a bra. You're size 36 B. I'm a 34C. The bra stank with BO. (Of course, it maybe that it belongs to someone else..... After all, his dating profiles --OurTime.com and Match.com--showed that he was horn-doggin' over a 120 mile radius... )

Your bag of clothes that you washed inside out: He tried to stop me from throwing some women's and children's clothes away that I found in a bag in the garage, claiming they belonged to our friend M's nephew... (there were some boys clothes, some small girl's clothing, and woman's... so I call BS on that! btw....Nice tastes in shirts. I like Ralph Lauren plaid, too, but you appear to be a bit bigger than me....) he glummly shut up when I cheerily reminded him that M's nephew has grown, so any of the clothes would be out grown.

2. All the things to help the Other Woman figure out if she's the Other Woman to this guy (not some other rando cheater).

FYI: He has a purplish (old vehicle) and a new (used) white one. My (our) two dogs are large, gorgeous, "matching" in looks and well behaved. His sister, whose first name starts with "C" has an @ss you could park a Peterbuilt on! We (I) own a gorgeous property with a stream and pond, out in the woods. (That should help for identification purposes!!!)

He went to Fun Junction (btw, he took all the Fun Junction coins I'd saved for sentimental value from when the boys were little--thanks. You stole my memories of my happy days with my children). You googled the address for Fun Junction from our house computer (he hates google and only uses bing), then according to his phone he drove there. Later, you two stopped at Tops in Cicero, bought ice cream cones and sugary cereal (and cheap wine coolers.... eeeewwwww) and you returned to the house. Then YOU googled 15 minutes worth of YouTube videos on "La Lupe"--some kind of weird Cuban singer from the 60s and 70s. You actually put him through 4 videos and 15 minutes worth of that!!!! Hahahahahahah!!!! He had to have been cringing inside, because (and here's a little secret), I liked Salsa until I met him--and he HATED it so much, I gave up ever listening to it.... I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that one! Pfft. What a guy will go through to get laid....

3. And all the warnings. There are a lot.

But guess what? That nice house and property you saw, and new truck, and all his new tools? ***I OWN HALF OF ALL OF IT***

So you won't be living in my nice house, we'll be selling it. And he may not have mentioned all my grad school debt... We'll be splitting that as well. So guess what you have???

You, my dear, are the proud new doormat for a middle-aged man who has been a contractor-type all his life. He's fairly smart though, but at 56 his body will not hold out much longer, and he's doesn't have a wide skill-set. He's somewhat heavy-set, pretty good looking, but he will not be wealthy after we split things (nor will I).

My advice: Don't marry him. If you do, then HALF OF YOUR STUFF IS HIS! He'll use you up, he's a selfish lover, he's a spend-a-holic, and it's likely he'll revert to booze. His financial decisions will drive you into bankruptcy. (He's done it twice)

If you're a real, actually nice person, that has been duped, just know that he's gotten very good at lying. He's a lot of fun. He's a great cook, and a great talker...And he's not single, he's just trying to get laid. Or worse. He's courting you as the next Mrs., knowing that our divorce will leave him very, very financially screwed. And you, my dear, are lookin' to him like his life boat. Get out while you can.

GOOD LUCK WITH HIM! THE PACKAGING IS DAMAGED AND WHAT'S INSIDE IS PRETTY SPENT, TOO!

Wow, incredible that a guy who loves Bing has managed to have sex with so many women. To read the rest of a scorned woman's fury, go here.

Several Seinfeld cast members recorded a series of videos for a dying man, James Anthony Calder, after his son reached out to say his father was a super fan who could use a boost for his 67th birthday. He was just shy of that birthday when he passed away from a rare non-smoking form of lung cancer on November 7, 2015. But in the weeks before he died, his dedicated son James embarked on the ambitious quest to collect well wishes from the cast. And many favorites from Seinfeld delivered, making James a very happy man prior to his passing.

His son described the culmination of receiving the videos and being able to share them with his dad:

My father's condition worsened as the Seinfeld birthday project continued to develop. He received detrimental news which resulted in more Chemo treatments and then being admitted into the hospital. The day before he passed, my mom and I decided to start showing him the videos to lift his spirits. He was shocked and mystified about how we were able to reach the Seinfeld cast members. He really felt the love and support.

Characters that submitted videos included John O'Hurley as J. Peterman, Larry Thomas as the Soup Nazi, and Wayne Knight as Newman. Julia Luis-Dreyfus submitted a video as well, but was not in character. Michael Richards (Kramer) declined to post a video, but did make a personal phone call to James.

You can check out all the submissions James received from many more Seinfeld actors on the YouTube channel created for the project. Donations to the American Cancer Society can be made in honor of James at bit.ly/JamesCalder.

Dates are objectively among the worst experiences two strangers can endure. That's why it's so fascinating to hear the awkwardness recounted from a new perspective: that of the server.

1. The date ruined by the clocks.

2. The date ruined by the john.

3. The date ruined by the history.

4. The date ruined by the ex.

5. The date ruined by the card.

6. The date ruined by couples therapy.

7. The date ruined by the truth.

8. The date ruined by the papers.

9. The date ruined by perspective.

10. The date ruined by the other date.

"Political correctness" is a phrase bouncing around as much these days as "Happy Holidays" (which many ;see as a raging example of PC culture gone mad). Discussions of Safe Spaces, Trigger Warnings, and student activism have boiled over in college communities. Oklahoma Wesleyan University, a Christian college in Bartlesville, Oklahoma, is dealing with these issues like most schools around the country. The school seems to be approaching its reckoning after a recent incident in which a student complained about a sermon on 1 Corinthians 13. (The student complained about the content of the speech, not just the fact that he had to listen to a sermon on 1 Corinthians 13.) p;The president of the university, Dr. Everett Piper (a name that sounds like he could be Zooey Deschanel's second child), has written a letter telling kids to grow some balls (sorry if that's sexist), and now it's gone viral.

Here's the letter. If you don't like it, too bad!

This past week, I actually had a student come forward after a university chapel service and complain because he felt “victimized” by a sermon on the topic of 1 Corinthians 13. It appears that this young scholar felt offended because a homily on love made him feel bad for not showing love. In his mind, the speaker was wrong for making him, and his peers, feel uncomfortable.

I’m not making this up. Our culture has actually taught our kids to be this self-absorbed and narcissistic. Any time their feelings are hurt, they are the victims. Anyone who dares challenge them and, thus, makes them “feel bad” about themselves, is a “hater,” a “bigot,” an “oppressor,” and a “victimizer.”

I have a message for this young man and all others who care to listen. That feeling of discomfort you have after listening to a sermon is called a conscience. An altar call is supposed to make you feel bad. It is supposed to make you feel guilty. The goal of many a good sermon is to get you to confess your sins—not coddle you in your selfishness. The primary objective of the Church and the Christian faith is your confession, not your self-actualization.

So here’s my advice:

If you want the chaplain to tell you you’re a victim rather than tell you that you need virtue, this may not be the university you’re looking for. If you want to complain about a sermon that makes you feel less than loving for not showing love, this might be the wrong place.

If you’re more interested in playing the “hater” card than you are in confessing your own hate; if you want to arrogantly lecture, rather than humbly learn; if you don’t want to feel guilt in your soul when you are guilty of sin; if you want to be enabled rather than confronted, there are many universities across the land (in Missouri and elsewhere) that will give you exactly what you want, but Oklahoma Wesleyan isn’t one of them.

At OKWU, we teach you to be selfless rather than self-centered. We are more interested in you practicing personal forgiveness than political revenge. We want you to model interpersonal reconciliation rather than foment personal conflict. We believe the content of your character is more important than the color of your skin. We don’t believe that you have been victimized every time you feel guilty and we don’t issue “trigger warnings” before altar calls.

Oklahoma Wesleyan is not a “safe place”, but rather, a place to learn: to learn that life isn’t about you, but about others; that the bad feeling you have while listening to a sermon is called guilt; that the way to address it is to repent of everything that’s wrong with you rather than blame others for everything that’s wrong with them. This is a place where you will quickly learn that you need to grow up.

This is not a day care. This is a university!

That catchy last line is sure to be Dr. Piper's catchphrase, delivered with the same ardor as Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own:

Mother Elletia Thomas posted a photo to parenting Facebook page The Unmumsy Mum of her son's Christmas card drawing design. We'll just say Santa's looking pretty excited about the holidays in it.

In response, other parents started posting all the phallic-themed drawings they've received over the years from their pervy children. A surprising number of them involve Santa. He must loom large in their imaginations, in more ways than one. Here are the best ones to laugh at or talk to a child development psychologist about:

Amirite?