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I hope wishing you a Happy Chinese New Year helps make up for not paying the $1.3 trillion we owe your country.


All the good women out there are either married, gay, or turned off by my numerous physical and emotional flaws.

Here's to me stalking you via my kid's Facebook page.

If Facebook Engagement Annoucements Were Honest

You're hot enough to plausibly get away with a grisly murder in Italy.

Happy Chinese New Year to my smartphone.

Let's party this weekend like we're about to be extradited to Italy for a 28½-year prison sentence.

We'll pretty much go to any lengths to bring a hot American girl back here.


Here's to the Italian justice system for making ours look functional.

If I can get through the grocery store without wanting to abandon my kids, I reward them with ice cream.

8 Hilarious Math Problems That Perfectly Explain Super Bowl XLVIII

Let's barely watch the Super Bowl together.

I love you so much that I would tell you if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

I didn't need a groundhog's prediction to know you're going to be clinically depressed for the next six weeks.

Happy birthday to a white person born during Black History Month.


My condolences to a Broncos fan I hope is being soothed by mounds of legal marijuana.

Here's to Peyton Manning for universally lowering the bar on job performance today.

My condolences to any Broncos player still capable of forming long-term memories.

I'm here for you if you need help sorting through your conflicted feelings about Bruno Mars.

I may have an only-child family, but you have a multi-child body.

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