I hope wishing you a Happy Chinese New Year helps make up for not paying the $1.3 trillion we owe your country.
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All the good women out there are either married, gay, or turned off by my numerous physical and emotional flaws.
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Here's to me stalking you via my kid's Facebook page.
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If Facebook Engagement Annoucements Were Honest
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You're hot enough to plausibly get away with a grisly murder in Italy.
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Happy Chinese New Year to my smartphone.
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Let's party this weekend like we're about to be extradited to Italy for a 28½-year prison sentence.
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We'll pretty much go to any lengths to bring a hot American girl back here.
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Here's to the Italian justice system for making ours look functional.
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If I can get through the grocery store without wanting to abandon my kids, I reward them with ice cream.
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8 Hilarious Math Problems That Perfectly Explain Super Bowl XLVIII
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Let's barely watch the Super Bowl together.
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I love you so much that I would tell you if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.
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I didn't need a groundhog's prediction to know you're going to be clinically depressed for the next six weeks.
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Happy birthday to a white person born during Black History Month.
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My condolences to a Broncos fan I hope is being soothed by mounds of legal marijuana.
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Here's to Peyton Manning for universally lowering the bar on job performance today.
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My condolences to any Broncos player still capable of forming long-term memories.
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I'm here for you if you need help sorting through your conflicted feelings about Bruno Mars.
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I may have an only-child family, but you have a multi-child body.
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