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I hope you get well soon with plenty of rest and whining on Facebook.


If People Reacted Honestly To Your Cliché Instagram Pictures

Anyone who complains about Olympic spoilers should be exiled to Russia.

Asking you out for Valentine's lunch is in no way an admission that I forgot to make dinner reservations.

I apologize for spoiling the results of an Olympic event four seconds before the rest of the universe did.

I'm going to go ahead and assume it isn't a human resources violation to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.

Let's hold hands with the hands not holding phones.

Your street won't be the only thing getting plowed this Valentines Day.


I love you for so much more than just your life-saving body heat.

The only thing more exhausting than planning Valentine's Day is pretending to be excited about it.

May Derek Jeter's retirement remind you to finish before your performance declines this Valentine's Day.

Sorry my period ruined whatever disgusting things you had planned for Valentine's Day.

I'd stalk you even if it wasn't so convenient.

My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

I've learned everything I know about dating by studying you and doing the opposite.


If I was going to dig my car out to see anyone, it'd be you.

I'm getting all the demented drama I expect on Valentine's Day just by staying home to watch House of Cards.

My thoughts of you this Valentine's Day are as impure as anyone's motives on House of Cards.

Happy Valentine's Day to someone who raised me, loved me unconditionally, and made me almost capable of having a functional relationship.

Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

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