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While discussing the Oscars, 'Clueless' actress Stacey Dash said Black History Month shouldn't exist.

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Stacey Dash played Dionne in Clueless, but these days she's better recognized as that actress who was in Clueless and says questionable things on Fox News. Dash's most recent claims were regards to the heated topic of the very white Oscar nominations. Take a deep breath before watching, because it's a mess.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD3vLCENhOg

Between Dash and interviewer Steve Doocy, there's enough absurd Fox News fodder to feast on for days.

Stacey's comments that "if we don't want segregation, then we need to get rid of channels like BET" and that "there shouldn't be a Black History Month" because there's no White History Month have baffled a number of people. 

https://twitter.com/_thatovoandxo/status/689891683127791618https://twitter.com/Dez_Michelle05/status/689887327846535169https://twitter.com/WuTangba/status/689881714445914114https://twitter.com/SKTV_/status/689878791880065024https://twitter.com/itsthereal/status/689850620879245313https://twitter.com/stellawademi/status/689899476803309568

"The good news is there's attention brought to it now," Dash says about the lack of diversity in the Oscars nominations, shortly after calling the backlash against them "ludicrous." In between all that, Dash responded to the notion that the upper echelon of Hollywood is as white as a snow-covered mountain by saying, "That's not necessarily true, and if it is it needs to change." Given her all-over-the-place statements, there is a chance Dash has little to no idea what she's talking about. 


14 of the most amazing notes drunk people left for their sober selves.

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We've all been there: drunk, and struck with a moment of brilliance or a message you absolutely must remember. So you record those thoughts, and then the next day, after sobering up, you discover those notes and find that they are the ravings of a drunken idiot.

1. A recipe for fun.

NOT push-pins.

2. O+, notes of peach and cherry, high tannin count.

A good time is what.

3. Classic Gamberg.

Gamberg has a solution to take care of both of those things.

4. You just got "You'd."

When you prank yourself, everybody wins. Or nobody wins?

5. That explains that.

Han apparently does this kind of thing quite a bit.

6. It's incredibly shellfish.

Sea what they did there?

7. Don't be a socket.

It's all true.

8. Raise your glasses.

Sober Dan is the WORST.

9. It never hurts to ask.

Singular or plural, depending. That can be one of the things to ask about.

10. Drunk Ross rules!

Of course, that "lunch" is probably a Frisbee with some peanut butter on it.

11. …and not a drop to drink.

Uh, then what is it?

12. That's just the plot of National Treasure 3.

Or Leaving Las Vegas 2.

13. Who wants nachos?

This guy, apparently. (And tacos.)

14. Don't forget!

Good. It's on the calendar now.

Audrina Patridge posts her bikini pregnancy picture, asks 'burrito or baby?'

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Audrina Patridge, formerly of the reality show The Hillsis a few months pregnant and vacationing in sunny, warm Australia. Naturally, she went swimming. And so, like Anne Hathaway before her, she posted a picture of her "mini bump" in an itty bitty bikini. And if you're not jealous of how good she looks pregnant, you'll definitely be jealous of how warm it looks in Australia.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAv6N3eQEpO/?taken-by=audrinapatridge

"Burrito or baby?" Patridge wrote in the caption.  "[My fiancé] posted this debut of my mini bump so figured I should toooo."

Patridge had just announced her pregnancy in December, so here's to many more healthy months of being pregnant in a bikini.

Posting pictures of corn on Instagram is the new 'pulling a Britney Spears.'

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It's no secret that Britney Spears' Instagram account is a veritable treasure trove of hilarity, whether intentional or not. It's filled with insipid inspirational messages, slightly out-of-focus mirror selfies, what appear to be stock photos of children that are not hers, and once, a bowl of lamb chops. But now Spears has taken it to a new level by posting pictures of corn. And not real corn, not corn she's cooked, or even corn she's about to eat—just Google image search results of corn. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAu2kG9m8AJ/?taken-by=britneyspears

Compare for yourself.

https://twitter.com/musicnews_shade/status/689637074324979713

According to some people on the Internet, Spears just googled "Mexican grilled corn," took a screenshot of the top result (from FoodNetwork.com), and threw that bad boy onto Instagram. She may believe that grilled corn is too good to be true, but this incident just proves that Britney Spears, along with her Internet presence, is simply way too good to be true. 

Trump trolls Oscar boycotters by pointing out that white people can't get BET awards.

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Orange Republican Donald Trump has weighed in on the #OscarsSoWhite boycott and guess what: he agrees with public intellectual and actress Stacey Dash that an all-white Oscars isn't a problem because the BET Awards only honor black people. There's your equality, folks! Despite the fact that, of course, the BET Awards exist to award black entertainers, and the Oscars are supposed to be awards for the best in all film, regardless of race (or gender, or anything else). Oh, and also despite the fact that Sam Smith won Best New Artist last year. Not 10 years ago. Last year.

https://youtu.be/lQmi0ton6HQ

"I saw somebody on your show today say, 'Well, what do we do with BET?'" said Trump in a phone call to Fox & Friends, referring to Dash's earlier appearance. "The whites don't get any nominations, and I thought it was an amazing interview, actually. I've never even thought of it from that standpoint." 

"I mean, I’ve watched over the years where African Americans have in fact received Academy Awards and have in fact been represented," he continued. "And this is not one of those years, but over the years I’ve seen numerous black actors and African American actors receive awards and I think that’s great. This doesn’t happen to be one of those years. … It's a difficult situation."

You've said a lot of crazy things, Mr. Trump, but now you've gone and publicly disagreed with angel queen Lupita Nyong'o. How dare you.

Mom's breastfeeding selfie shows what women's bodies really look like hours after childbirth.

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This photo that new mom Erica Andrews posted on Facebook of herself breastfeeding her 24-hour-old baby is going viral for its refreshingly frank—and still very beautiful—look at new motherhood. Andrews posted the photo yesterday to the Facebook page of Sakura Bloom, a company that makes breastfeeding slings, and quickly garnered more than 75,000 likes and 19,000 shares. And not just because she's wearing an adult diaper. 

https://www.facebook.com/sakurabloom/photos/a.56036452543.69616.29440947543/10153353545827544/?type=3&theater

Here's the caption Andrews wrote beneath her Fiona Apple-like prose:

This is what 24 hours postpartum looks like. Baby in sling. Skin to skin. Adult diapers. And a rosy glow. My body feels like it ran a marathon and my heart is wide open from yesterday's travels. Birth opens us like an earthquake opens the earth and I am still in the intimate, fragile throes of that opening. I feel raw. Emotional. Different. I feel like I'm on the undulating surface of the rippling ocean being tossed back and forth between happiness, gratitude, melancholy, and grief. 23 hours ago I held life within and 24 hours ago I surged and transformed allowing life to flow through me, into my waiting hands. The emptiness in my womb brings a heavy feeling crashing into reality but then this new little life whimpers, searching for the breast with soft rooting, and I feel whole again. I am still processing the beautiful transition my whole family has traveled through and I am in complete awe of our strength as humans, women, and mothers. This time is simply unlike any other.

Seriously, though, those adult diapers are more flattering than one would think.

A teacher sent a letter home criticizing 'lazy' parents and their 'dirty, unkempt' children.

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The Mirrorreports that a pretty harsh letter was sent home last week to students by a head teacher named Judith Barrett from St. Michael's Academy in Yeovil, Somerset, UK. It's fairly normal for schools to have very particular rules about how students can look, including dress codes. But this reminder about St. Michael's expectations gets really personal. The picture of the letter is a little blurry, but it was also typed out in full on their website (transcript below). Despite widespread scrutiny and outcry, neither the school nor the teacher are retracting or apologizing for the letter, although it no longer appears on their Facebook page.

It reads:

School Uniform:

A very big thank you to all of you who send your children in to school looking clean and tidy and ready for their school week. & These are very important life habits to get into which will serve them well in adult life. Unfortunately I have noticed an increasing number of children who are coming to school in a pretty shocking state. They are dirty, unkempt and not in appropriate school uniform, if in any uniform at all. Today, being that it is a Monday, quite a few have returned to school in dirty clothes and obviously haven’t had a shower in readiness for Monday morning.

There are also an increasing number who are not making any attempt to wear black school shoes, in line with school policy. There are also a lot of children who are getting themselves up in the morning and in to school as their parents are still in bed. In a country where there is plentiful running water and washing machines, and shops like Tesco offering entire school uniforms for £10, it is a pretty poor indictment of the parenting skills of some of our families.

I totally appreciate that life is hard for some of you but please make sure that your children are clean and ready for school and that includes the correct clothes. Starting next week I intend phoning home to contact parents of children not in uniform including black shoes, and you will be asked to take them home.

Yowza! Barrett certainly assumes a lot about the amount of free time and money parents have, and their reasons for sending their kids to school somewhat mussed. But some parents fully support her coming down hard on anyone struggling:

Thanks, guy wearing sunglasses indoors who looks like he's about to pull up his turtleneck and rob a bank.

Is it more shameful to have a few kids with bed head running around during recess, or for your school to be known as the one where parents get scolded more than children?

OkCupid's 2015 data reveals users' self-pleasuring habits and which emoji are most likely to get you laid.

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In an insightful retrospective look at 2015, OkCupid compiled user data in pretty charts on topics ranging from popular emojis to masturbation frequency. Here are a few of the most important findings.

The state with the most virgins is Utah.

Show Utah some love.

The interactive map reveals that 19.78 percent of Utah users replied "Yes" when asked "Are you a virgin?" Coming in second and third for the most virgins are South Dakota and Idaho with 18.8 and 16.77 percent, respectively. On the flipside, Vermont and Delaware are nearly tied for the fewest self-admitting virgins, with only 9.02 and 9.41 percent.

Oregon has the most people looking for casual sex.

Quick trip to Oregon, anybody?

For some reason, Oregonians and Washingtonians are the most interested in hookups, with 15.51 of Oregon users and 14.06 percent Washington users listing "casual sex" as something they're looking for. There's a decent chance these users are trying to find a partner interested in something vaguely kinky, since 58 percent of OkCupiders said they're into bondage. 

What you really want to know: how often people masturbate.

OkCupid users aren't necessarily waiting around for partners. A slight majority of people answered that they masturbate "a few times a week," and 23.6 percent masturbate at least daily. But there's also an 8.2 percent minority of people who only masturbate "a few times a year or less."

Of course, all this data is self-reported.

How to land a date.

For those looking to improve their luck online, OkCupid also has a few suggestions based on their data. One of the biggest suggestions: don't say "hey." A full 84 percent of people will not respond. However, "emotional emojis" are a hit, with the highest reply rate of 42.5-45 percent. 

Show you care with a carefully chosen emoji.

Another tip: racism is not cute. The top two most important questions for users were "Would you consider dating someone who has vocalized a strong negative bias toward a certain race of people?" and "Is interracial marriage a bad idea?" No and no are the correct answers there. Other stuff people like and consider deal breakers include contraception, abstinence from drugs, showering, and teeth brushing.

Putting this all together, an ideal starter message might be: "​*cold sweat emoji* i have great hygiene and believe in interracial marriage. could go either way on bondage." Or, you know, just be yourself.


Ryan Reynolds is trying to trick girls into seeing 'Deadpool' for Valentine's Day.

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Ryan Reynolds is starring in a violent, bloody, superhero movie, but he doesn't want you to know that. The actor and professional beefcake hunk is trying to trick women into thinking his movie Deadpool is a sweet lil romantic comedy, when in actuality it's a NSFW flick full of nudity and foul language that's apparently so obscene, it's been banned in China (on second thought, that's a pretty great sales pitch). Hoodwinking women into willingly watching an action movie on Valentine's Day is actually pretty genius. It's almost like he had a team of marketing people helping him make these professional billboards.

Looks like someone took a page out of Nicholas Sparks' "Notebook" (Get it?)

Reynolds posted these rom-com style promotional shots on his Instagram on last week. If he wasn't so hot, you'd be totally pissed at him for his web of lies.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAaYdVVt_jc/?taken-by=vancityreynoldshttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAdHtQ4N_u2/?taken-by=vancityreynoldshttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAiobCkN_iz/?taken-by=vancityreynolds

Don't be fooled by the soft lighting, ladies. Here's a NSFW look at what you're getting tricked into:

https://youtu.be/ZIM1HydF9UA

Although Ryan Reynolds in Spandex ain't too shabby.

Sorry, fellas: 'man buns' are out, 'man braids' are in.

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Remember back in 2015 when the man bun made its way on to every hipster dude's head? Hopefully, you got all the man bun jokes out of your system, because that fad is so last year. Now it's all about the man braid. What's the man braid, you ask? Well, it's just like a regular braid, except it refuses to ask for directions (cue laugh track). Hey, it's still better than the glitter beard

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAuT3MBMNcr/?taken-by=woohoosalonhttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAp4JdZMUX4/?tagged=manbraidhttps://www.instagram.com/p/BApobgHlx1m/?tagged=manbraidhttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAr1pYXOStu/?tagged=manbraidhttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAewuqTInHu/?tagged=manbraidhttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAoyqXzxdlu/?tagged=manbraidhttps://www.instagram.com/p/BAlz6nSOzZG/?tagged=manbraid

And finally, bow down to the once, current, and future king of the man braid, Willie Nelson:

Started #manbraid 30 years ago, got high and forgot.

Colbert recalls his awkward junior high phase in a tribute to Eagles member Glenn Frey.

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Stephen Colbert took time at the end of The Late Show on Tuesday to remember and thank Glenn Frey, the Eagles member who passed away on Monday. Colbert had a very personal story about an Eagles song that he remembers fondly. You probably have a similar memory of a certain special song from your youth. Hopefully, it's as pleasant as this story from Colbert:

https://youtu.be/0DaJGhJz7SY

There's nothing in this world quite as awkward as a junior high dance. It's nice to know that Frey's legacy has left a lasting impact in ways he probably never imagined.

People in Minnesota are trying to distract themselves from the winter by freezing pants.

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People in Minnesota have to be nice because the winter is not; January temperatures consistently hover in the single digits in parts of the state. But one man has dared to laugh in the face of cold: Tom Grotting, who has reportedly started a pants-freezing sensation in the Minneapolis area

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAmoHFwQmLQ/?taken-by=tomgrotting

According to a report from WILX in Michigan, Grotting has been freezing pants for years, and he learned the technique from his brother. Hopefully this means that pants-freezing is a Grotting family tradition, passed down from father-to-son and from brother-to-brother for hundreds of years.

Now the pants are popping up all over Minnesota:

https://twitter.com/TODAYshow/status/689448272889413632

And some are even bored daring enough to add additional clothing items as well:

https://twitter.com/cscharber/status/689243290672074752

Here's the important question: will any of these frozen clothes come to life and terrorize the local townspeople? 

You can learn more about the pants in this magical clip from ABC News's "The Mix" that begins with the hosts talking about cheese crusts and bathroom breaks, moves onto the pants, and then features one of the hosts eating Styrofoam prop popcorn, because professionalism:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XL1wjP8DGs

Flirting

Here's a Palin-to-English translation of former Gov. Sarah Palin's Trump endorsement speech.

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Before blaming her son Track's domestic violence charges on Obama and PTSD earlier today, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for President in a baffling speech. At times, it was almost a rap, and at no point was it in standard English. In order to make this important work of political philosophy available to the vast majority of Americans who don't speak Palin, here's a translation of the most important parts of her endorsement rant.

1. Introduction

Thank you so much. It’s so great to be here in Iowa. We’re here just thawing out.

Translation: It's sure nice to come down from Alaska to get some warm weather here in Iowa (pause for laughter because the joke makes sense now).

Todd and I and a couple of our friends here from Alaska, lending our support for the next president of our great United States of America, Donald J. Trump.

Translation: My husband Todd is here, because what else is he going to be doing? (more raucus laughter) Advocating for Alaskan secession? (uproarious, knee-slapping guffaws) Urging my son to seek psychiatric care instead of blaming his violent tendencies on the President? (silence) OK, too soon.

Mr. Trump, you’re right, look back there in the press box. Heads are spinning, media heads are spinning. This is going to be so much fun. Are you ready to make America great again? 

Translation:​ Anyway, I'm here to endorse Donald J. Trump for President, no matter how much the media loves it. 

2. Foreign Policy

I’m in it, because just last week, we’re watching our sailors suffer and be humiliated on a world stage at the hands of Iranian captors in violation of international law, because a weak­-kneed, capitulator—in­-chief has decided America will lead from behind.

Translation: America used to have hostages taken by Iran for hundreds and hundreds of days. Now, when a US warship gets caught near a known high-security Iranian military installation like Farsi Island, its men and women are returned in a single news cycle!

And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, 'No, America would apologize' and as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, 'Thank you, enemy.'

Translation: Let us never forget that Obama used to help black people protest stuff, and is probably a big ol' traitor. I quit my elected job and got fired from Fox.

We are ready for a change. We are ready and our troops deserve the best. A new commander-­in-­chief whose track record of success has proven he is the master at the art of the deal. He is one who would know to negotiate.

Translation:​ We don't need someone who will negotiate with our enemies, we need someone who will negotiatewith our enemies

3. It's us versus the elites.

Well, Trump, what he’s been able to do, which is really ticking people off, which I’m glad about, he’s going rogue left and right, man.

Translation: Remember Going Rogue? There are still a lot of copies for sale.

That’s why he’s doing so well. He’s been able to tear the veil off this idea of the system. The way that the system really works and please hear me on this. I want you guys to understand more and more how the system, the establishment, works and has gotten us into the troubles that we are in — in America.

Translation: Please hold while I gather my thoughts.

The permanent political class has been doing the bidding of their campaign donor class and that’s why you see that the borders are kept open. For them, for their cheap labor that they want to come in. That’s why they’ve been bloating budgets. It’s for crony capitalists to be able to suck off of them. It’s why we see these lousy trade deals that gut our industry for special interests elsewhere.

Translation: Holy shit, this bit about crony capitalism actually kinda makes sense. That "suck off of them" part was a little weird, but overall, success. Let's move on.

4. Raising The Stakes

And now, some of [the establishment] even whispering, they’re ready to throw in for Hillary over Trump because they can’t afford to see the status quo go. Otherwise, they won’t be able to be slurping off the gravy train that’s been feeding them all these years. They don’t want that to end.

Translation: Some pansy-ass elites are afraid our world will literally come to a mushroom-cloud-shaped end if Donald or I ever get real power.

Well, and then, funny, ha ha, not funny. But now, what they’re doing is wailing, 'well, Trump and his, uh, uh, uh, Trumpeters, they’re not conservative enough.'

Translation: *Loud raspberry noise*

Oh my goodness gracious. What the heck would the establishment know about conservatism? Tell me, is this conservative?

Translation: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME DOGWHISTLES? ("Jock Jams" begins playing at a pitch too high for non-racists to hear.)

GOP majorities handing over a blank check to fund Obamacare and Planned Parenthood and illegal immigration that competes for your jobs and turning safety nets into hammocks.

Translation: Black people and Mexicans and women are avoiding dying of preventable causes on your dime! Welfare is luxurious!

And all these new Democrat voters that are going to be coming on over border as we keep the borders open, and bequeathing our children millions in new debt, and refusing to fight back for our solvency and our sovereignty, even though that’s why we elected them and sent them as a majority to D.C.

Translation: All Democrats are brown, and somehow that's related to a bipartisan tradition of deficit spending (except under Clinton).

Now they’re concerned about this ideological purity? Give me a break! Who are they to say that? Oh, and tell somebody like Phyllis Schlafly. She is the Republican, conservative movement icon and hero and a Trump supporter. Tell her she’s not conservative. How about the rest of us?

Translation: Yeah, Phyllis Schlafly. You remember, the woman who opposed the ERA because men would stop holding doors open? What's the ERA? Surely you remember the Equal Rights Amendment? The long-dead hope of feminism that made the Lilly Ledbetter Act look like a weak half-measure? I'm hip to the Millennials. What's good, Katie Couric?

Right wingin’, bitter, clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our God and our religions and our Constitution. Tell us that we’re not red enough? Yeah, coming from the establishment. Right.

Translation: Remember when that Ivy League egghead Obama said that thing about clinging to guns and religion seven fucking years ago? The elites are making up lies about our conservative bona fides because they're afraid we'll really have a conservative revolution. You'd think this would mean I support Ted "Government Shutdown" Cruz (I endorsed him in 2012), but I've had some time to get to know him. Now, like everyone else, I fucking hate that guy.

5. Give In To The Dark Side

And now, though, to be lectured that, 'Well, you guys are all sounding kind of angry,' is what we’re hearing from the establishment. Doggone right we’re angry! Justifiably so! Yes!

Translation: The Jedi would have you believe that only calm and reason give you power and access to the Force. The Jedi are liars.

You know, they stomp on our neck and then they tell us, 'Just chill, okay just yeah, just relax.' Well, look, we are mad, and we’ve been had. They need to get used to it.

Translation: Have you ever heard of the tragedy of the Sith Lord, Darth Plagueis?

This election is more than just your basic ABCs: Anybody But Clinton. It’s more than that this go­-around.

Translation: He was a Dark Lord so learned, he gained the power to come back from political death by seizing on the news cycle of other lunatics.

When we’re talking about a nation without borders, when we’re talking about bankruptcies in our federal government. Debt that our children and our grandchildren, they’ll never be able to pay off. When we’re talking about no more Reagan­esque power that, that, comes from strength. Power through strength.

Translation: Yes, feel the anger course through you. Feel the power surging. Embrace your anger. Together we can rule the galaxy as terrible mother and son.

7. A Word About Foreign Policy

Let me say something really positive about one of those individuals: Rand Paul. I’m going to tell you about that Libertarian streak in him that is healthy because he knows, you only go to war if you’re determined to win the war! And you quit footin’ the bill for these nations who are oil rich. We’re paying for some of their skirmishes that have been going on for centuries.

Translation: I had an old speech where I endorsed Rand Paul and I forgot to finish the "find and replace" in that dang Microsoft Word.

Where they’re fightin’ each other and yellin’ 'Allah Akbar' calling jihad on each other’s heads for ever and ever. Like I’ve said before, let them duke it out and let Allah sort it out. We’ll fight for American interests and as Donald Trump has said, other nations where we have been footin’ the bill, but we haven’t prioritized our own domestic budgets well enough to be able to afford what we’re doing overseas.

Translation: Why don't we do nation-building at home? Wait, that sounded liberal, that can't be right. Let me put some xenophobic stuff in there to even it out.

9. Have You Guys Ever Heard Of Donald Trump?

He’s a multi­billionaire. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But, it’s amazing, he is not elitist at all. Oh, I just hope you all get to know him more and more as a person and a family man.

Translation: As rich as he is, he's willing to joke about dating his own daughter.

What he’s been able to accomplish, with his, um, it’s kind of this quiet generosity. Yeah, maybe his largess, kind of, I don’t know, some would say gets in the way of that quiet generosity, and, uh, well, his compassion, but if you know him as a person and you’ll get to know him more and more, you’ll have even more respect.

Translation: I assume Donald Trump gives a lot to charity, but I didn't check.

Not just for his record of success, and the good intentions for America, but who he is as a person. He’s not an elitist. And yes, as a multi­billionaire, we still root him on because he roots us on.

Translation: This man burped in front of me backstage, and I was impressed.

And he has, he’s spent his life with the workin’ man and he tells us, Joe six packs, he said, 'You know, I’ve worked very, very hard and I’ve succeeded. Hugely, I’ve succeeded,' he says.

And he says, 'I want you to succeed, too.'

Translation: That's why I think we should all go in on his timeshare deal together.

And that is refreshing, because, he, as he builds things, he builds big things, things that touch the sky. Big infrastructure that puts other people to work. He has spent his life looking up and respecting the hard hats and the steel­toed boots and the work ethic that you all have within you.

Translation: Have you guys ever heard of Donald Trump?

9. Finally, I will have my revenge.

Now, finally friends, I want you to try to picture this. It's a nice thing to picture. Exactly one year from tomorrow: former President Barack Obama.

He packs up the teleprompters and the selfie­sticks and the Greek columns and all that hopey, changey stuff and he heads on back to Chicago, where I’m sure he can find some community there to organize again.

Translation: I have spent seven years asking random liberals and minorities how that "hopey changey thing" is working out for them, and making ever-more-stale teleprompter and community organizer jokes. Now I will finally be able to unclench my jaw and pay attention to my kids, if only I can somehow treat Barack Obama being term-limited out as a victory for myself.

Seasonal


A writer shared why women need a 'F*ck Off Fund.' Here are 4 expert tips on how to make one.

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On Wednesday, author Paulette Perhach shared a piece entitled "A Story of a Fuck Off Fund"—a reminder that saving money isn't just about buying a house someday or sending a kid to college; it's about maintaining your dignity and safety when something in your life goes to shit. Because things in your life will go to shit. If they didn't, we'd all be driving still-running cars made in 1905 and partying with our great-great-great-great-great grandparents because people weren't dying. Actually, life would probably still go to shit because the Earth would be overcrowded and we'd be forced to murder others in order to make space for our children. Anyway, you need a "Fuck Off Fund."

Perhach discusses how having this "Fuck Off Fund," as she calls it, gives you the power—now, tomorrow, whenever—to walk away from life's really shitty situations. That situation could be a creepy boss, an abusive boyfriend, or whatever other crap comes your way that makes it necessary to fuck off far away as quickly as possible.

While Perhach writes from the perspective of a woman, this is something everyone needs. While I currently spend my days making jokes about crushing anxiety and discussing heartbreaking obituaries, I used to work as the senior editor of a personal finance site. In my time there, the Fuck Off Fund—or fuck you fund, or emergency fund, or whatever you want to call it—was the number one thing I recommended to people. I didn't just recommend it because it's financially smart; I recommend it because I've been there. I know what it feels like to stay in a broken relationship because I couldn't afford to move out. And I know how wonderful it feels to be able to tell a boss who sent me furious emails about low-stakes shit at 11:30 pm that I was quitting.

Perhach has some good suggestions on how to approach the fund, but I wanted to give some additional, specific suggestions on how to make it so. This way, whether you're male or female, you can tell anybody to fuck off.

This could be you!

1. Make a budget.

Making and sticking to a budget isn't fun, but neither is paying a $20 fee every time you overdraft your bank account. Use Mint. It's free, and it can link with all of your bank accounts, loans, and credit cards to track your debt and spending automatically, all in one place. And for fuck's sake, make sure you budget money in for fun stuff. You're more likely to splurge and blow your budget if you don't have any wiggle room for enjoyment.

2. Open a savings account just for your Fuck Off Fund.

The ideal place for your FOF would be a savings account that's linked to your main checking account (so it's easy to deposit funds into), but isn't at your existing bank (so it's not too easy to transfer them out again). Online banks Ally and Capital One 360 are both good options for this.

3. Put money in that thing.

Even if all you can afford to stash in your Fuck Off Fund is $5 every paycheck, put money in it regularly. Every $5 you save is a goddamn foot-long sub you can eat when you're looking for a new job. If you receive a regular paycheck via direct deposit, set up an automatic transfer so every time you get paid, some money goes into your Fuck Off Fund without you having to make it happen—you're more likely to save that way.

4. Don't touch it for shit that isn't worthy.

Your ability to leave a job or a relationship with dignity and/or in a blaze of bridge-burning glory is more important than a vacation. It might not feel like that at the time, but that's the whole point of this thing—​you're protecting yourself from something you don't want to believe will come true. When it does come true—and it will—you'll be happy it's there.

13 awful 'Family Feud' responses that should never be forgotten.

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Family Feud is a hallmark of daytime television programming. It provides contestants a chance to strengthen their familial bonds, and viewers the opportunity to wonder who exactly are these 100 people giving such weird answers on the surveys. The true highlights of the show—aside from current host Steve Harvey—are the baffling answers contestants are prone to give. Every once in awhile, it turns out to be the correct response, but more often than not, the contestant is far from right. Enjoy these 13 answers that never should have been said.

1. People do not wear Texas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-UyazgsH1o

2. TMI.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqsBxNcI6xc

3. ​Gynos have it tough. Skip to :22 to watch this guy embarrass himself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtS2D4aS6Po

4. These contestants need to look up the definition of a country.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGerbe-loIA

5. "I heard about something like that once."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZmDdo8K-7o

6. This guy needs to check his spelling, at 1:02.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdcleUk-T4U

7. Dr. Phil learns that a fish is a fish.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpPjvK58W7I

8. To be fair... no, this was a bad answer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Tcy614ogms

9. This woman's understanding of pregnancy is interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpSbeiPLB30

10. This guy is seriously not paying attention.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX3DB5cQufE

11. Things were likely icy between this couple after the show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyS15SCEyWE

12. Former host John O'Hurley describes his favorite blunder.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMZc_E1VMNc

13. Mike, on the Australian version, demonstrates that he's not great with colors, at :44.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjdo7Pi9pHs

And that is the worst response in Family Feud history.

Amy Schumer defends herself against joke stealing allegations, will take a polygraph to prove her innocence.

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Amy Schumer is really famous and successful now, so people are trying to discredit her every step of the way. A recent video with over 666,000 views compared her material to jokes told by comedians Patrice O'Neill, Kathleen Madigan, Wendy Liebman, and Tammy Pescatelli. The video accused her of stealing the premises for the sketches "Sleep Gym" and "Slap Chef" from Madigan, and jokes in her HBO standup special from O'Neill, Liebman and Pescatelli. Schumer quickly tweeted to defend herself from these claims, and went on Jim Norton's Sirius XM show to clear her name.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/689926521146859522?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Comedians and friends are rushing to her aid:

https://twitter.com/jessirklein/status/690019678022807552https://twitter.com/marknorm/status/689963760694509568

As Nikki Glaser points out, Schumer is a convicted shoplifter with a criminal record. While she has stolen from department stores, she hasn't stolen anything that matters.

https://twitter.com/NikkiGlaser/status/689935288311873541

Wendy Liebman, whose material she is accused of stealing, believes that Schumer did not consciously co-opt her material.

https://twitter.com/WendyLiebman/status/689903106683867136

On Norton's show, Schumer insisted that she did not steal the jokes, nor had she even seen them, and said that these new allegations are likely due to her newfound fame. "I did not steal any jokes, and I wouldn't. I think people get upset by success, and it makes sense," she said, adding, "People are afraid and angry at women and they want to bring them down." 

She has a history with one of the comics featured in the accusatory video, Tammy Pescatelli. "I think [Tammy] is upset I blocked her on Twitter a couple years ago because she was unkind to my best friend, Rachel Feinstein, and I didn't like how she treated Rachel," she explained. "I don't think she's got much going on, this is my guess. I think people get upset by success." 

https://soundcloud.com/siriusxmcomedy/amy-schumer-defends-herself-against-joke-stealing-allegations?in=siriusxmcomedy/sets/amy-schumer-denies-joke-theft

Norton and Schumer have been friends for eight years, and he pointed out that had she been a joke thief, it would have come out while she was on the road. "If somebody was a joke thief, you don't get close to someone like that," he said.

https://soundcloud.com/siriusxmcomedy/amy-schumer-says-she-would-have-been-exposed-long-ago

Schumer said that on the upcoming season of her Comedy Central show, she will take a polygraph test to prove that she didn't steal and that she'd never seen the bits in question. 

https://soundcloud.com/siriusxmcomedy/notron-advice-show-w-amy

Schumer still considers herself a comic first, and wants to be respected by the community: "More than anything, I want credibility as a comic. All I care about is that the people close to me and comedians respect me."

https://soundcloud.com/siriusxmcomedy/amy-schumer-wants-credibility-more-than-anything

Oh my god Dakota Johnson accidentally said something inappropriate on 'The Tonight Show,' is still in '50 Shades of Grey.'

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Dakota Johnson, the star of 50 Shades of Grey, was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night and shocked, shocked everyone by accidentally letting slip an f-bomb.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=YUAd-kefT0w

It was part of a game she was teaching Fallon called "The Acting Game," in which the player improvises a given conversation on the phone. The fake scene Fallon gave her: "Your fiancé, Darth Vader, is calling to tell you he's leaving you for another woman." Johnson was not ​having that, and was quick to curse Vader out, quite literally. Still, it's weird how taken aback Fallon seemed by the f-bomb, considering that:

A. The Tonight Show is taped at 5 p.m.—the show doesn't air live, it's not SNL.

B. Dakota Johnson is the star of a movie series in which the only thing that happens is that people "f*ck."

But hey, at least something unscripted happened on Fallon for once. 

Woman channels power of motherhood to defend her kids from armed carjackers.

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Two men and a women were cruising around in Hialeah, Florida on Monday looking for a car to steal. According to Local 10, the wannabe thieves targeted a a gas station and first tried to steal a SUV from a woman, but failed because she had locked her car.

Then the armed men tried again with a red convertible, which was a mistake. The owner of the car was a mother of a 1-year-old and 7-year-old, BuzzFeed reports, both of whom were in the car. The mother was not interested in having her car taken and kids endangered.

https://www.facebook.com/abcnews/videos/10154060514848812/

Seeing that this mom was not afraid of thieves with guns, the second carjacker fled as quickly as he could. However, ABC News says he wasn't fast enough. After reckoning with the power of mom, all three failed carjackers were arrested.

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