Always remember to clean your clothes and your taggeed pics before a job interview.
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May your lifespan be freakishly long.
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10 Baby-Shaming Onesies That Will Totally Take Your Tot Down A Notch
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I wish CrossFit got your personality in shape as well.
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I never feel more vulnerable than when someone likes my Facebook picture from three years ago.
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The only tough mudder I can brag about involves 25 minutes on the toilet.
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I'm half impressed you ran a half marathon.
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My new exercise routine is running away from people who tell me about their new exercise routine.
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I have been warming up for our sex sessions.
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Thanks for taking a break from complaining about your kids to let me know how great parenthood is.
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Happy Technical First Day of Spring.
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This winter was particularly hard on my having to imagine what your cleavage looks like.
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Thank god this horrible winter weather has officially become horrible spring weather.
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Let's binge-watch The Walking Dead until we make the zombies look lively.
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Happy birthday to someone so old they watch TV shows on a TV.
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Happy Vernal Equinox to someone who is about to Google the term Vernal Equinox.
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At least Fred Phelps doesn't have to worry about Fred Phelps disrupting his funeral.
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My deepest sympathies go out to whoever has to eulogize Fred Phelps.
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Here's to Fred Phelps for uniting the world in celebration of his death.
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I've got you as my number one seed in annoying me about your NCAA bracket.
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