1. Apple picking.
What sounds better than going apple picking on a cool autumnal afternoon? Who doesn't want to pick out their own pumpkin to carve into a spooky Jack-O-Lantern? All your friends want to. Or least that's what they'll tell you, usually while drunk. I have made countless empty promises that "we should totally go apple picking." Anyone who tells that "This year they mean it" is a dirty liar 99% of the time. I've been having this conversation every fall for years now and I haven't picked apple nor pumpkin since I was seven years old.
2. Refusing to give in to the pumpkin-flavored-everything obsession.
It's just too much. It's so too much, that even the backlash is too much. I get annoyed by both the pro- and anti-pumpkin-flavor people. I wish we could find a happy middle ground and all agree that pumpkin flavored stuff is kinda cool, but we only need a little bit of it. But no, everyone just loses their goddamned minds over the stuff. For that reason, I land on the anti-pumpkin side of the issue. However, I can never stay true to this decision. A pumpkin beer with the brown sugar rim is pretty tasty no matter how hypocritical I feel drinking it.
3. Celebrating Oktoberfest.
If I can't make it to a farm to behave like a child, you would think the least I could do is drink properly. Nope. A day of giant beers and big pretzels sounds fantastic, yet it is is nearly impossible to execute. I think it's because for some weird German reason true Oktoberfest occurs in September. I don't think about Oktoberfest until I see other people going to one. By then, it's too late to find a good Oktoberfest. The October Oktoberfests are usually just bars full douche bags that offer two-for-one Heinekens. If I manage to drink a stale Sam Adams Oktofest beer by the end of December that's the closest I get to accomplishing this goal.
4. Going to a haunted house.
Full disclosure, I don't actually want to go a haunted house. It sounds festive, so I agree to it, but I'm pretty psyched when the plan falls through. These things have two hour lines and then they're scary inside. Really scary. They say "don't worry, they're not allowed to touch you." But guess what? Sometimes they touch you. I don't like that.
5. Remembering something terrible happened to my coat at the end of last winter.
Whether it's a broken zipper or getting puked on by a cat, something awful always happens to my coat at the end of winter. Every time it's the end of the winter—when it's not important enough to remedy because I won't need the coat much longer. That's a problem for Autumn Me. Then Autumn Me shows up and gets pissed at Winter Me's reckless behavior. The first chilly day of fall I always find myself surprised and shivering. It never fails. Oh well, a pumpkin spice latte should warm me up.