It was a long, stressful, crazy week, and thankfully it's finally over. Enjoy jokes about fireworks, cannibalism, sexy horses, the sinister truth behind "Friends" and more, in the top 39 tweets of the week!
1.
FFS. I only have to leave my laptop for 5 seconds these days and my cat's straight on it, writing a dystopian novel. pic.twitter.com/RP4QcRQ35R
— Tom Cox (@cox_tom) July 4, 2016
2.
A clarinet is just a goth flute
— bohemian crapsody (@Karate_Horse) July 5, 2016
3.
NPR really empowers you to speak intelligently about a topic unless the person you're talking to also heard the same report.
— Chim Eleanor Changa (@ElleOhHell) July 1, 2016
4.
My dad just asked me if I can make my "famous avocado sauce" tomorrow. He is referring to guacamole.
— Sam Escobar (@myhairisblue) July 4, 2016
5.
Glad I could help pic.twitter.com/GB581FTqtw
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 4, 2016
6.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 5, 2016
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
7.
TWIST! pic.twitter.com/e6w42mGOPm
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) July 7, 2016
8.
☆。★。☆。★
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 5, 2016
。☆。☆ 。★ 。
★。＼｜／。★
100% of firework
displays end with
someone's mom
saying "is that it?"
★。／｜＼ °★
。☆。☆ ° ☆。
☆。 ★。☆ °★
9.
The one where Ross fails Ｔｈｅ Ｈｏｌｅ pic.twitter.com/Y9fgJod1bt
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) July 4, 2016
10.
[hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 3, 2016
11.
saw this stocky horse on my walk . he started posing. at 1st jus a lil leg action then boom. Super model finish pic.twitter.com/tj1WWndjA1
— treasure✨ (@imteddybless) July 6, 2016
12.
HIP HOP FACT: Big Sean is actually normal sized
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) July 5, 2016
13.
Feeling blessed that I finally have the confidence to share my bikini pic. pic.twitter.com/iA7ScrdPqv
— I Like Cats UK (@Manda_like_wine) July 6, 2016
14.
you ever wonder if human progress is an illusion fueled by technological advancement and that our nature is unchangeable? ha ha me neither
— matt: lubchansky (@Lubchansky) July 8, 2016
15.
we get it, johnny. millennials dont value work. anyway, we need 12 more dog weight loss posts by the end of the day pic.twitter.com/chp0aFbJzG
— TORMBLABLY PIACKEELS (@Tormny_Pickeals) July 5, 2016
16.
Friendship levels:
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2016
BFF: would die for you
Friend: helps you move
Acquaintance: says hi
Facebook friend: watches you fail from a distance
17.
I keep a stack of these with me in case I meet a celebrity pic.twitter.com/XIHXfCuDwH
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) July 5, 2016
18.
Independence Day reboot w/ female president: "Ma'am, the aliens want you to smile more. And the way ur speaking sounds like ur shouting."
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) July 1, 2016
19.
Johnny Depp looks like he's in Bad Charlotte. pic.twitter.com/FD3545Z9J5
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) July 4, 2016
20.
nephew said "I cannot lift up a small dog OR a big dog" it was perfect. Then added "u can bc yr old." A more complex set of feelings emerged
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) July 5, 2016
21.
When u pee in the toilet the toilet be like: pic.twitter.com/hQ4umvPibi
— Ben Cahn (@Buncahn) July 6, 2016
22.
According to movies, there is no product that works better than a Ouija board.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) July 4, 2016
23.
the only two moods pic.twitter.com/8LuKW56RbW
— Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@AyeshaASiddiqi) July 2, 2016
24.
One good thing about the Harvard of Terrorism is that its grads would be quickly caught after telling everyone where they studied terrorism
— Dave Gilson (@daudig) July 7, 2016
25.
Me trying to figure out how the broke people I know are always on vacation while I'm at work. pic.twitter.com/jueQCpdyIG
— Travon Free (@Travon) July 4, 2016
26.
Y'all mean to tell me your dad didn't give you a lit cigarette at age 9 to use to go light firecrackers with all by yourself?
— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) July 4, 2016
27.
When Boomers have precious ass grand kid as their profile pic, then are racist AF in comment section of everything. pic.twitter.com/aaEJvXXRZx
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 7, 2016
28.
I smile at a man. He mistakes it for flirting and I'm too polite to correct him so we marry and spend several mediocre decades together
— Dee (@figgled) July 7, 2016
29.
The next exit after Flavortown. pic.twitter.com/z2NXpb74oL
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) July 1, 2016
30.
Son, when I was a kid it was illegal for women to bust ghosts [wife tries to shush me] HONEY IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 7, 2016
31.
reminder that new york has perfected the art of absolutely everything pic.twitter.com/VC9qhQnKG4
— Meredith Gran (@granulac) July 1, 2016
32.
2016 is like one of those sketchy chain letters your mom sends you with the subject line re: re: re: re: re: re:
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) July 7, 2016
33.
cop: sir why are you shaved and naked
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) July 7, 2016
me: hitler had hair and wore clothes
cop (undressing frantically) someone get me a god damn razor
34.
I'm really excited for Russ and Ciara. And really happy Ciara finally has a last name.
— Sarah Colonna (@sarahcolonna) July 6, 2016
35.
there's a town in ohio that renamed itself "mount healthy" to stunt on its neighbors who died of cholera pic.twitter.com/lNQrsc4o2m
— dan from the web (@sharpalright) July 6, 2016
36.
One thing I admire about toddlers is that careful moment of deliberation before they decide the size of the tantrum they're about to unleash
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 7, 2016
37.
The Fresh Prince called this in '92. How is this still relevant? #guncontrol#dallaspic.twitter.com/pPvMaesUZ9
— Simon Caine (@thismademecool) July 8, 2016
38.
Turn the world off and turn it back on again.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 8, 2016
39.
THIS IS MY NEW FAVOURITE THING THANK YOU GOD pic.twitter.com/2z5Lj0rB6j
— ♡ leah ♡ (@ferryboatderek) July 5, 2016