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With school out and summer in full swing, there's nothing standing between you, your best buds, the open road, and a lifetime of memories. Here's how you can get your road trip in gear and hit cruise control on "fun":
- To save money on car snacks, bring along bee hives or a dairy cow.
- It's not a road trip without mix CDs! Make sure to really scratch the shit out of them for that authentic road trip feel.
- Leave under total secrecy and cover of darkness for that "You're alive!" thrill on your return.
- Whoever's in the passenger seat should always stay alert to assist the driver. Luckily, the cigarette lighter's right at hand for a quick pick-me-up.
- Skip Mount Rushmore, unless you support the patriarchal mutilation of Mother Earth's many stone-boobs.
- Side trips and detours can be some of the most memorable parts of your trip, except for Arkansas' famous Amnesia Caverns. They're a scam.
- To keep track of where you've been, tie a spool of red yarn to your front doorknob and unspool it as you drive.
- For drivetime fun, quote each other your favorite scenes from Britney Spears' Crossroads. Take turns so everyone gets a chance to be Taryn Manning.
- For cheap gas, survey your planned route for large untapped reservoirs of fossil fuels.
- You can do anything you want in a motel room, even forbidden Wicca.
- If you find yourself getting bored on a long stretch of highway, slam your car right into the fucking guardrail. What a rush!
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- Skip the chains and taste some local flavor. Instead of Subway, eat a handful of dirt right out of the ground. Yeah, you love it. You love eating dirt.
- Don't forget to bring along a spare tire or 15, dragging behind you on cables lashed to your fender like some kind of Mad Max "Just Married" car.
- If you see a gas station glory hole, go ahead and cram your dick in there. Life is fleeting.
- A trip blog is a super fun project to quickly abandon.
- The intimacy of a car makes it the perfect place to work out long-buried grudges and grievances.
- Just keep going if you think you hit a guy. That's road law.
(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Clik here to view.
