Jokes about horror movies, organic vegetables, changing seasons, cake for breakfast and more: Here are 25 of the funniest tweets by women this week!
1.
I made an Election Day playlist. It's called "The original broadway cast recording of Ragtime."
— april lavalle (@imatoofbrush) October 19, 2016
2.
at this point i'm only emotionally invested in this election for the schadenfreude
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) October 24, 2016
3.
I have the legs of a woman who's 5'2, the upper torso of a woman who's 6', and the posture of a woman who's being sat on by both of them.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) October 17, 2016
4.
Just saw an article "how goldie hawn stays slim at 70" BITCH WHEN IM 70??????!! PLEASEEEEEEEE I WILL EAT CAKE FOR BREAKFAST
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) October 25, 2016
5.
Its like Hillary is on the worst tinder date ever #debatenight
— Myka Fox (@MykaFox) October 20, 2016
6.
I have four seasons too! There's drink too much, sleep too much, smoke too much and talk about my cat too much, (which is near xmas time)
— Veronica Osorio (@vaov) October 21, 2016
7.
80% of the positive reinforcement I receive these days is google maps telling me "you have arrived"
— Kate Haunting (@takehenning) October 25, 2016
8.
If you're not a certain level of hot, people will think your self deprecation is sad instead of funny
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 20, 2016
9.
didn’t have time to make it to the pumpkin patch this year, so i’m just going to let this cataloupe rot on my doorstep for the next 4 months
— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) October 21, 2016
10.
I WISH FACEBOOK SHOWED PAST RELATIONSHIPS NOT INTERESTED IN YA CURRENT ONES GIMME THE DIRT
— Lizzy Halloween (@thedirtbird) October 20, 2016
11.
Trump: I do what I want. I grab women by the p*ssy.
— Cate Weinberg (@CateWeinberg) October 15, 2016
Woman: Trump grabbed me by the p*ssy.
Trump supporters: But why should we believe her?
12.
When an awesome 10-year-old girl offers you a cupcake, you cannot refuse
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) October 20, 2016
13.
'Nasty Woman,' a reverse 'Pretty Woman' in which a classy professional woman meets a miserable wealthy businessman and destroys him
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) October 20, 2016
14.
my bank account is rigged by the media
— Ziwe (@ziwe) October 17, 2016
15.
Glossier: Makeup for Gullible People™
— Jaime Lutz (@jaime_lutz) October 20, 2016
16.
Black Mirror Season 3: The Tiny Cameras We Attach To Our Buttholes To Monitor Our Poops Backfired How Could We Have Foreseen This Happening?
— Hatchet-Face (@HalleKiefer) October 25, 2016
17.
when your dad only gives you a $500k loan pic.twitter.com/v1q1OjzbyF
— Bez (@Bez) October 19, 2016
18.
Got seated at the bar alone and the hostess actually said, "Here, I'll put you next to this plant so you have something."
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) October 20, 2016
19.
What is it about being terrified that makes women in horror movies need to get naked and shower?
— 💀JESSIE💀 (@NicCageMatch) October 16, 2016
20.
I know I'm a nice person because after pushing the crosswalk button I moved out of the way so a person who just watched me do it could too.
— LADYBIRDJ (@ladybirdj) October 20, 2016
21.
Antiquing is the fine art of collecting garbage.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 20, 2016
22.
I never eat vegetables that aren't organic, or are.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) October 10, 2016
23.
after a lot of consideration ive decided to . Fuck off into hell where i will reside permanently
— baby taz (@alliewach) October 19, 2016
24.
It's too late for strong borders :( #debatenightpic.twitter.com/hww0OrCe6O
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) October 20, 2016
25.
when u gotta be there for ur cat friend whose day was SO much drama like guuuurl, pic.twitter.com/X2mxDo9UWv
— Sanghain (@ElSangito) October 21, 2016