Yesterday the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that the Hobby Lobby corporation was not obligated under the Affordable Care Act to cover contraceptives such as IUDs or birth control for their employees. What those outraged by the decision don't seem to realize, though, is that a full range of DIY contraceptive devices are readily available in any Hobby Lobby location to any employee with the know-how to make them work, and at bargain prices to boot. Here's just a sampling:
Baby Plaster Casting Kit
What could be more powerful for preventing a baby than a kit meant to carve that baby into history's flesh for all time? After all, the strength of any magic rests in the magnitude of its defiance of God and fate, and contraception is definitely magic. With the included make-a-mold casting plaster and molding bag, you'll have no trouble creating an impenetrable plaster vulval mold to seal off your reproductive nook until your wedding night.
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Blue, Green, & Brown Colored Pupil Wiggle Eyes
The penetrating gaze of these paste-on wiggle eyes stops penetration in its tracks! Slap a couple dozen pretty peepers around your fertile crescent to make any too-enterprising suitor shout "Jeepers Creepers!" as he finds himself staring down a fucking nightmare.
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Mushroom Soft Secret Yarn
Swaddle his soft secret mushroom in a tightly-crocheted koozie to stanch worrisome emissions right at the source! Latex is so impersonal, but nothing says "I (would like to make inconsequential) love (to) you" like a hand-stitched condom. Plus, this gross old-bagel color could work with any number of races and skin tones, if you squint some. There's absolutely no way of knowing if a knit condom will work 'til you try it!
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Celebration Shimmer Lavender Pearls Candy
The body's susceptibility to the effects of placebo medication is nothing short of astonishing. Sure, these are clearly labeled as candy, but maybe your stupid body thinks they're progestin. Look, you have no right to get angry with me; I'm actually trying to provide solutions here, and all you're doing is throwing up negativity. Christ, you're hormonal today.
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14" American Flag on Cross
Aw, yeah. Aw, shit, yeah. If hanging one of these bad boys over your gal gulch don't put the fear of God and his boy Christ Jesus in any sperm who come 'round stunting like they're Dale goddamn Earnhardt goddamn Jr., you might as well roll yourself up in an Oriental rug and ship yourself to Thailand, where Faith is just a hooker's name. It's like, did you not notice the other, smaller cross, right there on the big one?
Martha Stewart Bird Decorative Boxes
Maybe instead of a lady you could blast your gunk into this bird, this bird hand-hewn by Martha Stewart to hold your gunk. put your'e. Gunk in th bbird :))
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Purple Ice Cream For Jesus Onesie
"I scream, you scream, we all scream for adorable ways to share our faith!" says the product description, but the limp copy can't even begin to evoke the harmonized howls of erotic ecstasy you and your partner will share as you hammer away at each other, safe in the knowledge that this onesie, rolled into a tight knot of prophylactic protection and jammed up a uterus, will whisk any stray dribbles of "ice cream" away to Jesus Christ himself. I think! I'm not a doctor, I'm just Daniel!
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Batter Baby / Batter Daddy
The Batter Baby is a little plastic cupcake-shaped plank for making cupcakes two different colors, but it's also a little plastic cupcake-shaped plank for not getting pregnant and looking adorable doing it. The way it works is, it's a plastic plank. If you're worried about a splatter zone (I'm looking at you, Shamu!), there's the Batter Daddy, a big plastic plank for making cakes two different colors. It works along the similar principle of being a big plastic plank. Perfect for those who are very dumb.
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Balance Bird
Yeah, good luck getting each other off when this bird is in play. It can balance on almost anything. How much can you balance on? You probably can't even balance your checkbook! Why would you think you deserve to make love when you can't even muster a shred of fiscal responsibility?! You're a burden on your partner and your family! A waste of space! Feel that negativity? That's what the bird's for. Just watch the bird and let it all fade away. Ah... serenity.
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