5. NFL and MLB player Johnny Manziel, for getting almost-caught snorting "the drugs."
You've got to have a lot of energy to get drafted by both the Cleveland Browns as a quarterback and the San Diego Padres as a shortstop in the same year, but "Football Johnny" Manziel did just that in 2014. Where does all that energy come from? Well, according to a photo that made the rounds this weekend showing Manziel suspiciously rolling up a $20 bill in a Vegas bathroom, it may not all come from eating healthy and staying positive.
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(via Getty)
4. Any anti-gay activists who are still capable of listening to science.
If you believe homosexuality is causing the decline of our civilization, you're probably not easily swayed by news stories starting out with the phrase "Scientists have announced..." If you still believe in empirical evidence, however, you'd probably be pretty bummed to hear that the children of same-sex parents were found to be as well-adjusted as the children of heterosexual parents, if not more so. It's almost like love is the important thing in parenting, and also that gay couples don't accidentally have kids they're not prepared for—and by "almost like," I mean "is."
3. The (former) deputy sheriff who let a murderer escape after taking him out of jail to watch fireworks.
I'm not an expert on keeping people in jail, but I think taking them outside of the prison is kind of a no-no. On top of that, taking them outside at night while there are loud explosions that can mask the sound of an escape is, I think, a bad idea. Finally, I doubt the wisdom of combining those things with the phrase "Happy Independence Day!" One man would disagree with me, though: the now-fired deputy sheriff from the Shannon County Jail in Eminence, MO. The deputy was tasked with guarding Jason McClurg, a man convicted of killing his wife with a toxic drink he convinced her was made by their toddler. McClurg predictably escaped while the fireworks were going off, although he was was apprehended again after being on the run all weekend. The deputy sheriff who lost him, however, is more independent than ever.
2. This creep who wanted to get a jump on the next generation of porn stars.
34-year-old Aaron Gimbert was arrested this weekend at the Alameda County Fair in California for trying to solicit underage girls to do porn...as soon as they turned of age. Gimbert was dressed as a County Fair employee, although representatives for the Fair denied that he was on their staff and insisted they do thorough background checks on everyone. Sheriffs described the arrest as a "sting," although what actually led to his arrest was his handing a business card for "Big Pimpin Inc" to a 16-year-old, appropriately named Justice. "He like asked if I was 18 and I was like no I'm 16, and he kind of thought about it, and he was like call me when you turn 18," said Justice. Gimbert was arrested for solicitation, a charge that will be hard to fight with a business named "Big Pimpin Inc."
(via CBS Chicago)
1. The Law-Abiding Citizens Of Chicago.
What did you do this weekend? Grill? Watch fireworks? For at least 82 Chicagoans, that answer was "getting shot." A horrifying spasm of violence gripped the Windy City this weekend, killing 14, including two teenagers shot by police. It's long been known that violence surges in the heat, but with 30 shootings happening between 2:30pm Sunday afternoon and 3:30am Monday morning, something weird was happening in Chicago. What's even weirder is that this took place against a backdrop of an overall reduction in killings from last year.
(by Johnny McNulty)