Real talk: I love specific items.
Oh, United Airlines. When will you ever learn (BASIC HUMAN VALUE)?
When redditor lyndy recently flew United, her pilot was (SYNONYM FOR SH*TFACED), and claims her final descent was terrifyingly fast. So after landing, she complained to United.
Naturally, this is a big deal for an airline, and they take this kind of complaint very (ADVERB). So (ADVERB), in fact, that they responded with an actual letter, typed up by a (SPECIES OF SENTIENT LIFE). Unfortunately the (SPECIES) who wrote this must have been a little (EUPHEMISM) him or herself, because they forgot to replace the (SPECIFICS) with actual inserted specifics.
Maybe they just couldn't bring themselves to type out the horrible (SPECIFIC EVENT).
Lyndy says that while United has a lot to answer for, she doesn't want to get the underling who was assigned to blow her off in trouble. It's one thing for a person who writes letters to be drinking on the job, but they're not risking an accidental reboot of (POPULAR 2000s TV SHOW ABOUT PLANE CRASH SURVIVORS). The low-ranking prole who wrote the letter did remember to sign it at the bottom, but their name has been removed for their protection.
Pretty much everyone who has seen this story has remarked that United should insert a (SHARP ITEM) into their (BODY CAVITY) and vigorously (VERB) themselves. Who knows, though, maybe if this story gets enough attention, lyndy will be contacted by a higher ranking customer service agent who will give her some really great (SPECIFICS).
(by Johnny McNulty)