Those are tears of joy...over how much attention I'm getting right now. (via)
We know it shouldn't be a shock that there are drama queens on Facebook, but these infuriating users are are becoming a scourge, making the world's most self-absorbed medium even less tolerable with every intentionally cryptic, overwrought status update. Everyone has at least ten friends like this who constantly court concern with updates about how "you" broke my heart and now "life just isn't worth living," and they know they can get a dozen comments from their gullible, similarly theatrical friends by typing nothing more than a simple "Ugh!" The crybabies included here are just a small sampling of a growing Facebook population that must be stopped! (Sorry if we got a little over-dramatic at the end there.)
Sounds excessive, but the only way to raise awareness is through firing squads. (Via)
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If you want to start trouble but are in hurry, just call people who lost their baby whiners. (Via)
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Some people can't get the hint when their friends don't want to see them in a wet t-shirt. (Via)
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Look, family court is crowded. Might as well sort it all out in a comments thread.(Via)
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YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN!!!(Via)
Updated 7/20/14:
They don't even have to make sense to piss each other off. That's closeness.(Via)
You would make your aunts very proud. Also, do snakes make drama? (Via)
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Hard to keep track.(Via)
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Who would do such a thing? (Via)
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The usual? How often do you do battle with the world (and lose)? (Via)
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His next vague complaint is going to be about people who demand elaboration. (Via)
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Updated 6/22/14:
Your emoticon looks like it still has a few more tears left.(Via)
Seagulls hate being brought into vague attention-getting statuses. (Via)
You two can work through this. Let us watch.(Via)
Nana hijacks another attempted vaguebooking. (Via)
You could just go with the "off" button. Less swimming. (Via)
On Facebook, who can maintain a positive outlook for 20 whole minutes?(Via)
Updated 5/21/14:
How do they have time for boyfriends? There's so much public fighting to do!(Via)
At least post a haul video of what you spent the money on. (Via)
No idea what they're fighting over and hope to never find out. (Via)
The dance is called "Flight Of The Attention-Starved Vaguebooker." (Via)
But her broken heart is at least 14 or 15. (Via)
Quit making DRAFA.(Via)
Updated 4/6/14:
Poor thing. Why can't the wealthy ever catch a break! (via)
The suicide rate among dumb Gods has been skyrocketing. (Via)
And if you visit my Tumblr you can find out how to make amends.(Via)
Fine. I'll say it. Your statuses are way too vague.(Via)
Sometimes a whiny rant is also a cry for help.
How can I get on that list?
Updated 3/17/14:
We hurt the ones who try to help.
Someone besides the ex. Include the fine print and you won't need follow-ups.
Sometimes, the tale time tells is a real bummer.(via Rachael T.)
Hopefully the one that's "worse" [sic] your tears will make you cry by correcting your typos.
Man. Hate to see how you'd take it if you dropped your laptop.
Wait, are all of you planning to off yourselves tonight? We appreciate you! Chill out!
Updated 2/18/14:
They must have all requested that they be blocked.
Those 4 likes are from people who hate a loud, noisy death.
Cryers gonna cry.
Posting vague, attention-seeking statuses is the epitome of letting life happen, apparently.
So many threats today. This winter is getting to everybody.
Can't talk now, byeeeeeeee!
Updated 1/15/14:
Until then, happy holidays! (Via User "Whimsy")
It's not a felony until it crosses 450% illegal. (Via)
I don't want to ask you about it. *Feeling indifferent* (Via)
If only she had the two-faced bitch's email, we'd be spared this.(Via)
1 Like. Things are looking up! (Via)
How anyone could find fault in your child-rearing skills is beyond me! (Via)
Updated 12/9/13:
Just when we thought we were in, you push us back out!
Finally, someone speaks up for the thin. Enough of the low BMI bullying!
One good way to rationalize why you're never called nor texted. (Thanks Katie M)
It's honestly just some research I'm working on. Also, AM I WANTED?
I'm in a bad mood because of whatever put you in a good mood this morning.
Wow! Starting shit with someone for being a great person. That's how you hunt down drama.
Updated 11/11/13:
Betting that 1 thing might be "LMS IF YOU'LL TAKE ME BACK!!!!"
You made it home alive! Make sure to take your knife if you go to the bathroom to brush before bed.
I don't mean to complain, but man those complainers are something!
So, you just said you hope you die soon. You know that right?
The news is always full of #Sundayfails. Why not report on some #Sundaysuccesses?
Only certain Tims make me cry. Tiny Tim. Tim Allen. Tim Tebow.
Updated 10/21/13:
Cool. Thanks for sharing! *UNFRIEND*
Someone screencapped their "I trusted you" status and made fun of it on the Internet?
Gonna have to be a lil' more specific. Lot of bad shit going down lately.
Let's keep Facebook away from famine victims, cool? They don't need to read this.
Gladly!
You can never talk too anyone. You always talk just enough anyone for our taste.
Updated 9/16/13:
Birch away, girlfriend!
Suicide notes were way more eloquent before the invention of texting.
You have to learn to love crying.
First go back and kill Hitler! Then deal with your ex. Priorities!
You should put an Ace bandage on that head ace.
You were missed. The seconds you were away felt like full minutes!
Updated 8/15/13:
Have a good trip?
Great! If you don't want to talk about it then let me tell you about my WONDERFUL morning!!!
What if I'm not sure if I'm involved? Can I ask if I'm involved? I WANNA BE INVOLVED!
MOOOOOM! Stop posting on my friends' engagement party invite wall!
That'll do it!
No one values friendship anymore. Or marriage. Or...fidelity to ex-girlfriends? I'm lost.
Updated 7/16/13:
Not as sorry as your friends are for adding you.
K byeeeeeeeee!
I crave attention. No need to like. It's readily apparent.
U other guys, though, what u guys all hate me?!!!
Aw come on. Just one whiff?
Congratulations on directly confronting "someone."
Updated 6/1913:
Perhaps she was being kind. Cassidy might prefer chodes. They are adorable, after all.
This middle school wants to keep us apart. We shan't let them.
I send them messages like, "Hey stupid fuck. Not popular enough for you?"
We always keep both feet planted firmly on the ground while chatting.
Times like this, all we need is our family of plush toys we keep in our read windshield.
Pretty sure someone made love to the wrong person. The rest is mystery.
Updated 5/15/13:
Why don't you just forward this message to him? After translating into English of course.
So, should I take my dick out of my ass now? I want to help!
This actually makes sense to us. Life should never be thought about. It's no good.
Does the old Kay have access to a working keyboard by chance?
Can't imagine why they'd leave you.
Just staring up at a leak in the ceiling. Anyway, how are you?
Updated 4/15/13:
The drama queen giveth, the drama queen taketh away.
You know, you can just go ahead and post this directly on Child Services's page.
Don't stop, go.
And not if the game involves speaking directly toward whomever you're pissed off at.
We're sure she appreciates this tribute to her memory.
Vague statuses like this make all your friends' FB walls feel like that punching bag.
Updated 3/13/13:
Move to New York. People walk down the street crying all the time and no one says a word.
We get the gist.
It's better to have <3 and </3 than to have never <3 at all.
RIP most of your Facebook friendships.
We'll try harder to be a "gentleman and shit." Want some flowers or bullshit like that?
We're unfriending you. Just popped into our head!
Updated 2/15/13:
Peeing yourself? You're sh*tting me.
Everyone in this thread is a child molester.
We don't want to hurt you, Miranda, but that's a pretty awful smile.
Brohoof (n) - Fist bump between men who like My Little Pony. So, yeah, no one understands.
Obnoxiously Manic Girl?!
The person who liked the "pissed on" joke might really die if they saw the pee-pants post.
We can't believe those two people gave pity likes against their direct wishes!
Updated 1/15/13:
Oh right. Every hour on the hour.
I'm either going to unsubscribe or unfriend you today. Not a joke.
She knows she can upload video of her crying too, right? Quit half-assing it!
Seek no more, young journeyman, for your bullshit has been found.
You're only done with the drama because you used it all up in this post.
You can cram a lifetime into a single month. And a lifetime of self-pity into a single status update.
There are sadness-concealing face creams you can use if you get sick of putting on smiles.
Your plan has backfired. What's wrong?
Updated 11/13/12:
Or worse, did you post something self-involved and stupid where you can be publicly mocked?
The saddest part is he sounds like 90% of adults on Facebook.
Is "swag" a term for the letter O now? Because that's what you're missing.
And being a whiny loser is the highlight of mine, so lay off!
I wasnt going to say anything, but I'm gonna say a lot. Not like a dumb 16-year-old.
We feel like committing sadness after reading this post.
Posted 10/18/12:
But most importantly, learn grammar before you die.
Always remember other people have it worse. Like war vets and bored kids.
Wut's dat? Lemme luk it up in my thezoris.
We are focusing on our work, and we bet you feel like an idiot.
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