6 new contenders for the single most enjoyable note ever written to a neighbor.

If you can hear me masturbating, you've quieted down enough. (Via)

As the earth's population continues to grow, humans are forced to live in ever closer proximity to each other, pissing each other off in new and disgusting ways. The neighbor note is the most effective medium to alert your neighbors to the myriad ways in which their way of life is destroying yours. So if you're going to leave one yourself and want to make sure your neighbors pay heed, take a cue from these authors and unload on that piece of paper with both barrels.

Vengeance is swift in Canada. (Via)

The investigation will look for roommates who take too long in the shower. (Via)

MADE OUT OF PEOPLE. (Via)

Oh yeah? Well no one wants to see your hair taped to the wall with this note, either. (Via)

P.S. Please be real. I need something to believe in. (Via)

Updated 8/8/14:

Maybe now isn't a good time to tell you you have a crazy sign in your yard. (Via)

Damn, the store clerk told me that red shirt was an invisibility cloak. (Via)

Beware of neighbor with clipart. (Via)

"We Live Next Door To A Peeping Tom"
Maybe less people would look in your window if you stopped posting signs in it. (Via)

Sorry, my phone's "Someone will mourn her dead fiancé with a 5am wake up opera" alert must not have been set properly. (Via)

God, you gonna help him on this one or what? In your name we pray, amen. (Via)

Updated 7/2/14:

Guess I can add "bad neighborliness" to all the reasons to be ashamed of myself.(Via)

It's nice to see neighbors encouraging each other's artistic endeavors. (Via)

Fight fire with fire. Buy more cars. Buy so many cars they'll bow to you! (Via)

Aw, both neighbors like that movie about the people who make homemade explosives! (Via)

Neighbor of the year? Kind of braggy about the joke-telling though. (Via)

Dumb neighbor. Dogs can't read signs. (VIa)

Updated 6/1/14:

Dude, keep making noise as long as you keep delivering the guilt cookies. (Via)

Is this guy hoping those hashtags might start to spread?#yesallgirlbye(Via)

I'm sure they'd be cool with it if you put on some gloves first.(Via)

If you're going to leave a note, make sure you cover all your bases.

Have you heard the bad news?(Via)

Oh damn! Forget it. I am so not hard enough. (Via)

Updated 5/1/14:

Looks like we're gonna have a problem here. (Via)

"Stranger danger" has no effect on the inebriated and genitally exposed. (Via)

Do your children know you just made a sign with dog shit? (Via)

Cats can't read, but you might not be too good at that either so you're even. (Via)

#Myspot? Dude, get off Twitter. You can't hashtag real life. (Via)

If "Rimming" scores some cupcakes, #5 might be game.(Via)

Updated 4/1/14:

20G is the dictionary definition of "being chill." (Via)

That kitty seems kind of into it, though. Mixed messages! (Via)

The wording makes it really sound like this guy just found his life's mission. (Via)

For this rooster, we are all victims too. (Via)

I'm with the note-writer. Orgy-havers should keep it a secret from those who weren't invited. (Via)

So many valid points made in such a brief correspondence. (Via)

Updated 3/2/14:

It did seem odd that they kept screaming "Love." (Via)

But the dogs are just shouting, "Why don't you love us?!" (Via)

You're taking it too literally. UPS feels like "being home" is a state of mind, man. (Via)

What if you trained the dog to poop on junk mail? (Via)

This guy could help the sleepless neighbor above. (VIa)

It's a scary day when you find out your building has not one but two "Bronys." (Via)

Updated 2/3/14:

Oh damn. That guy had best never wave back. (Via)

Believe it or not, the guy who wrote this says his intended meaning was,
"Please, Satan, leave me alone." Oops.(Via)

I bet Big booty bitches are just fine with the volume. (Via)

Seriously. And the "Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh" crap gets old real fast. (Via)

Less quiet? So, louder, and maybe with some narration so the kid gets it?(Via)

Say what you want about our kid, but how DARE you say we have no talent! (Via)

Updated 1/1/14:

Maybe they named her after a grandmother? (Via)

If you can't say something nice about someone, say it with the wifi.(Via)

Just seems like a really chill, helpful neighbor who loves life and fun. (Via)

The laundry room is the land of broken promises. (Via)

The "we're watching you" makes it seem like you're into it.(Via)

But I'm looking for a hot tub buddy with "benefits."(Via)

Updated 12/3/13:

You fear intimacy. Other people's really loud intimacy.

Wow! Imagine how bad the response would have been if they hadn't added the "Thanks."

If the cranking and wanking's too loud, you're too...tasteful musically. (Via)

Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.

The more you f**k with her trash, the more she'll love you. That's just Steph!

Sure they probably didn't see it. Which makes this one the most passive-aggressive of all!!!

Updated 11/5/13:

His partner must have been worried sick.

Translation: Dear neighbors, when you're forced to do my laundry for me, do it right!

Roided out rat pee really gives a watermelon that extra crispness.

It told us to tell the ficus it always loved it.

Live in darkness, or feed me Whoppers. You make the call.

Coolest neighbor ever.

Updated 10/8/13:

Some men can only communicate in penis drawings. Especially when in a bathroom stall.

It would be worth it. That porch is irresistable.

Grammar Nazis have no business in elevator maintenance.

You should get a stethoscope and tape the listening end to the wall. It just works.

Holy crap. Do you live next to Ned Flanders?

Thus explaining the headline in the following morning's paper, "Man Killed By Whale In Apartment."

Updated 9/6/13:

It's easier than you think to drown in a paddling pool. If you drink enough.

In other words, we watch you through your windows and think you're hot!

"Naber?" Maybe he only heard people refer to "the neighborhood" as "the nabe?"

The big one is not to be trusted.

But you're so photogenic!

On the contrary, turn it up!!! From 402 —

Updated 8/7/13:

I sing what's in my heart. And everything in my heart is pure horror.

Worst thing is, it was blocked by a bag of cow's arseholes.

We didn't feel condescended to until you gave us the layman's definition of "urinate."

Or maybe your neighbor delivered it to you. Just in case you're interested...it's all clean.

That's nothing. Wait until they hook up with the singer from above.

Not a dry eye in the garage.

Updated 7/8/13:

Have some empathy for your jealous neighbors who long for human touch. Pipe down.

Lesson learned. Neighbors prefer to be concussed from above by full cans of beer.

It's been two years! Get over it. She's gone!

Don't test them. That grandson is a big fan of gravy fries.

Those two are going to have to get together for a movie night.

We thought our childhood issues just made us sleep with scary men. They make us litter too?

Updated 6/10/13:

That noise is whatever you want it to be, Kim.

And? What'd you think?

Well this sign is far more entertaining decoration, so silver lining?

There may be a vacancy in this building, as soon as Nick and his python are evicted.

Nah, he's sad inside too. He brings everybody down.

A truly polite marauder would have gone in and straightened things up a bit.

Updated 5/7/13:

Guess the tenant in #9 has no choice but to abandon their mail and move.

Or better yet, break up in your car. Make sure to play a sad song on the radio.

PPS: You can leave the souvenirs you bought me on my porch. Quietly!

What if all of his houseguests were hearing-impaired male siblings?

They scream across the studio to pretend it's bigger.

Good God. Just...good God!

But next time was going to be handcuffs and knee socks day. Ball gag is a week from now.

Updated 4/8/13:

Will this lion be in attendance? Because he seems nice.

Don't hit the H&R Block until after tax time. People need those returns, dammit. Have a heart.

Sweet! Free sex counseling! Why does anger turn us on so much?

Probably a lot of write-in answers on that one.

Of course if you chooe to post this on the internet, that's your decision.

You should thank them. Free fence!

Updated 3/12/13:

"Dude, what are these idiots smoking? We don't have a skunk. Oh."

5:30 AM is a small time. A very small time with NO ROOM FOR YOUR NOISE!!!

Although experts refute it, this photo of the Sock Ness Monster continues to intrigue.

"We left a note and tried to summon you with human sacrifice, but I guess you were busy."

The members of Apt. 93 have the best handwriting in this argument in Manchester, UK.

This girl has never made a decision that had any kind of odor in her life.

Updated 2/4/12:

Congratulations, Apt 2B. You're the most understanding neighbors on the planet.

No offense to Apt. 2B, but Apt. 3F is candidate for sainthood.

What ever happened to "Beware of Dog?"

He also has one that reads "Thank you for parking in front of my driveway. I hope you die."

We hope they responded with, "To the stupid shithead next door. You're welcome."

If that's what was left untouched, what on earth was redacted?

It's the fun new game, Secret Prizes For Poop! You'll see what's coming to you!!

Updated 11/29/12:

Wow, I can't believe those kids dropped out of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome university.

However, this does nothing to stop salespeople, landlords, or Antichristmas carollers.

She always moans when people park right in her spot.

"Did you see those assholes who just moved in?" "Yeah, they were very honest about it."

You don't get to be "Boss Lady of #75" without knowing how to do some serious italic yelling.

"Are you offering me your cat for free HBO? Because I can do that."

Posted 11/01/12:

This is called "The Direct Approach."

Now we're worried there are CDs of us crying being circulated by our neighbors.

The hardware store didn't have any "Owner Hates His Life" signs.

German? Those must have been some messy sexy times.

Can't wait until the next issue of "Noise Complaint Heroines" hits out comic book shop.

If someone being tortured shouts "Oh God yes," they're being tortured wrong.

He should be saying thank you. Forced nudity turned him into a real go-getter.

Updated 10/3/12:

From now on, they'll be sure and only whisper conspiratorially about boners.

They tried a Gangnam Style sign but it's hard to make a noise complaint while galloping.

Wait for the ransom request and don't involve the police or the tomato is ketchup.

Then why'd you install the cameras, perv?

They were up for a Macarthur Genius award but a Biggest Cunts award will do.

Updated 9/5/12:

Updated 7/30/12:

Updated 6/18/12:

There is absolutely nothing this person will not complain about.

Updated 5/21/12:

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Updated 4/30/12:

Updated 4/10/12:

Updated 3/20/12:

"CD's Covered In Cat Piss. You Wanna Salvage Them? Be My Guest."
"Actually, The Cat Is Pretty On Target With The State Of The Music Industry Right Now. Funny That."