1. Half A Billion Consumers Discover Their Apple Devices Infected With New U2 Album
Immediately following U2's surprise performance at the iPhone 6 announcement at Apple's Cupertino, California headquarters, the Irish rock band's new album Songs of Innocence was automatically added to the iTunes libraries of Apple devices across the globe. Approximately 500 million customers in 119 countries were victimized in what will certainly be remembered as one of the most devastating and vapid computer viruses in history.
"We're determined to keep Apple fresh and innovative. And now I present to you all, U2!"
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 9, 2014
Radiohead: releases album online, asks fans to pay what they want. U2: releases album online, forces everyone to have it no matter what.
— Leonard Pierce (@leonardpierce) September 10, 2014
2. Apple To Discontinue Miraculous Music Listening Device That You Never Ever Listen To Any More
Nearly 13 years after it was originally released, Apple's classic iPod—otherwise known as that tiny little device that somehow contains every song you've ever owned, but which sits in your desk drawer because, really, who needs to carry around that much music?—is being discontinued.
in a way we each wear a scarlet letter that is made of the most embarrassing song that we have on our iPod at any given time
— (maura) (@behindyourback) August 8, 2014
3. America Has Already Engorged Every Single One Of Olive Garden's Unlimited Pasta Passes
It took just a little more than an hour for the Olive Garden to completely sell out of its $100 Never Ending Pasta Passes, which allows customers to eat as much pasta as they like for seven entire weeks. I'm shocked. I had no idea that linguini was such a popular instrument of suicide.
When Olive Garden's new 7-week $100 Never Ending Pasta offer ends, you begin the 7-week Never Ending Bowel Movement phase. That part's free.
— Peter Waldron (@pjwaldron) September 8, 2014
4. Convicted Felon Bob McDonnell To Lose His Pension Due To The Unfair Policies Of Former Governor Bob McDonnell
Thanks to Virginia House Bill 2095, which was signed into law in 2011 by then Gov. Bob McDonnell and "forfeits... retirement benefits if it is determined that [a person] has been convicted of a felony," recently convicted felon and former Gov. Bob McDonnell will no longer be receiving his government pension. Jeeze, Bob McDonnell must be so mad at Bob McDonnell right now.
So disappointed in the corruption of Gov Bob McDonnell; especially in a state where it's so easy to take bribes legally.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) September 5, 2014
5. Nubile Young French Beachgoers Suddenly Less Inclined To Let Us Gawk At Their Boobs For Some Reason
According to a new poll, a mere two percent of French women under the age of 35 say that they are willing to go topless on public beaches these days. How odd that this just so happens to coincide with people carrying tiny cameras with them everywhere they go, 24 hours a day. Talk about coincidences.
I mean every beach can potentially be a topless beach if you don't have boobs and pretend you're foreign and a boy.
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) August 1, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)