1. Satanists Still Planning To Annoy Easily Annoyed Oklahoma City Residents With Silly Black Mass
In spite of—or, more likely, because of—protests by the God-fearing residents of Oklahoma City and a threatened lawsuit from a Catholic bishop, a Satanic worship group called the Dakhma of Angra Mainyu is following through with its plans to hold a public Black Mass ceremony in order to fan the flames of annoyance being generated by a proposed statue of Satan for the Oklahoma state capitol.
I'm getting old. I can't even remember the last time a Black Mass turned into a PCP orgy.
— Semiotic Stochastic (@mitdasein) September 18, 2011
2. This Story About The Senate GOP Filibustering An Amendment That Would Overturn Citizens United Should Not Technically Be Considered News
Senate Republicans are filibustering a proposed constitutional amendment that would overturn the Supreme Court's controversial Citizens United decision that grants full personhood to corporations. Just like we all knew they would. Even Sen John McCain—who called Citizens United the "worst decision ever"—is opposed to the amendment. Just like we all knew he would be. Go about your day.
Ooo if you play the new U2 single backwards Bono keeps repeating "Citizens United". #edgy#take#foxconn#meansnothing#igetmytakefromblogs
— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) September 9, 2014
3. Michael Che To Become The First Black Comedian To Be Unfairly Compared To Chevy Chase In 'SNL Weekend Update' Gig
Saturday Night Live writer and Daily Show correspondent Michael Che has been announced as the first-ever black co-anchor for SNL's "Weekend Update" segment, which was originated in 1975 by Chevy Chase, who was funny enough, but not nearly as funny as people like to imagine he was. Watch this Daily Show clip to get familiar with the guy you'll be dismissively comparing to Chevy Chase for the next several years:
I just ordered shelves. I used a tape measure to see if they will fit. If you trust math, they will not fit. fuck math. Im michael che.
— Michael Che (@CheThinks) December 27, 2013
4. Ancient Big-Lipped Creature Serves As Inspiration For Name Of Newly Discovered Species Of Animal
The nomenclature of a strange-looking, big-lipped creature of ancient origin who has been stalking around concert stages for the past several decades was used as an inspiration for the name of a 19-million-year-old swamp-dwelling animal with similarly proportioned lips. The Jaggermeryx naida—which apparently looked kind of like a cross between a hippo and a pig—was named for Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, who looks kind of like a cross between a blobfish and a gazelle.
To commemerate becoming a great grandfather, Mick Jagger has written a new song, "What a drag it is getting really, realy, really old."
— Doug Abeles (@dougabeles) May 19, 2014
5. Archeologists Make Several Groundbreaking Discoveries About Stonehenge That Aren't Nearly As Cool As You're Hoping They Are
Researchers have recently used digital imaging technology to make a number of very important discoveries about the ancient structure known as Stonehenge, and none of them involve ritualistic sacrifice or channeling the power of cosmic demon-gods. But the stones around it originally made a full circle, which is kind of cool.
Stonehenge only survives because it never came into contact with Paperhenge which was destroyed in a fight with Scissorhenge.
— Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards) September 10, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)