1. Hillary Clinton Expected To Make Some Kind Of Major Announcement This Weekend
According to a source close to Hillary Clinton, the former senator and Secretary of State is planning to make a mysterious major career announcement this Sunday. Pundits and journalists nationwide are currently wracking their brains in an effort to figure out what it could possible be.
BREAKING: HIllary Clinton announces she's abandoning plans to run for president after being "really impressed with Rand Paul".
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) April 8, 2015
2. Italian Surgeon To Perform World's First Head Transplant, Or World First Body Transplant, Depending On Your Point Of View
A 30-year-old Russian man with a terminal muscle wasting disease will be the first person to undergo a controversial head transplant from Italian mad-scientist surgeon Sergio Canavero. “Am I afraid? Yes, of course I am,” Valery Spiridonov told The Daily Mail. “It is not just very scary, but also very interesting... you have to understand that I don't really have many choices."
Well, plans for the first human full head transplant have been announced. Can't wait for inevitable nightmares tonight after that article...
— Stephanie Bendixsen (@hexsteph) April 10, 2015
3. Jon Hamm Was A Major Douchebag In His Old Frat Days, As Is Required By Law
Mad Man star Jon Hamm was arrested for dragging a pledge around by his testicles with the claw of a hammer during his days in the University of Texas's Sigma Nu fraternity, according to a report from The Star. Kind of makes what he did to Sal Romano seem tame by comparison.
Between the racism, the sexual assaults, and the sadistic hazing, frats sure spend a lot of time "misrepresenting" what frats are all about
— Dan Amira (@DanAmira) March 10, 2015
4. William Shakespeare Releases His First New Play In Three Centuries
After careful inspection of the 18th Century manuscript Double Falsehood with text-analyzing software, a team of researchers from the University of Texas at Austin have determined that it was in fact authored by iconic playwright William Shakespeare. Approximately 372 film adaptations were immediately put into pre-production, and an infinite number of theater companies added it to next season's schedule.
An acceptable title for any number of Shakespeare plays is "Insane Crown Posse."
— Brian Boone (@brianadamsboone) February 4, 2015
5. Nerds Worldwide To Spend This Weekend Desperately Shoving Full Season Of 'Daredevil' Into Their Eyeholes
The entire 13-episode first season of Marvel's new Daredevil series was released by Netflix today to overwhelmingly positive reviews and major Internet buzz. So, in other words, don't expect to see your nerdier friends for a few days.
Watching #Daredevil on Netflix now has priority over everything else in my life. #TelevisionWithoutFear
— Jamie Rivera (@mr_jamriv) April 10, 2015