All men must spawn. Well, except Varys.

That moment you realize you should've spent your toilet-time reading parenting books.

Since man first crawled out of the ooze and threw himself atop woman to make a third thing, he's struggled with how to be a father. In days of old, man would speak to his father, or read a book like, "What To Expect When You're Expecting," or "Dude, You're Going to be a Dad." But who has time to speak to old people or read books when there is more prestige television to watch than ever before?

But, wait! When you needed to learn how to hang out in a bar where everyone knows your name, where did you turn? When you needed to learn how to make it in the big city when it hasn't been your day, your week, or even your year, where did you turn? When you needed to know how to behave in night court, where did you turn? That's right. Television.

This week marks the return of Game of Thrones on HBO, and with 6,000 of the 9,000 different characters being fathers or sons of some type, its a great place to pick up fatherly wisdom that will surely guide you to that 'Father of the Year' mug you so desperately crave.

1. Indulge the interests of your children.

Taking note of your children's interests and indulging them is a great way to create a strong paternal bond. Say, for instance, your oldest daughter is really into fancy dresses and princes and princesses; a great way to show your love is to have a best friend who is a king that has a son who is a prince that needs a politically strategic child bride and offer up your own daughter to that very child bride. It may not be a life that you would have ever wanted for her, but your job as a father is to help them make informed, strong choices. If she wants to be the wife of a homicidal boy king, be supportive.

Likewise, if your other daughter has shown a real penchant for stabbing people and things with swords, get her more swords and vaguely ethnic sword-fighting coaches.

Maybe your middle son was thrown off a tower and has shown a lot of interest lately in no longer being able to walk; it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a very simple giant on staff to carry your son around everywhere. These might be things that you don't have any interest in (arranging your daughter's marriage, or teaching your other daughter to be a more effective assassin) but we strive to give our children everything they want so don't lose your head over it.

2. Love all your children equally.

If the Lord of Light blesses you with more than one child, do not worry. Unless you are a truly wretched husk of a person, you should absolutely have room in your heart to love them equally. For example, say that over the course of your life you end up having three children. Maybe the first is a beautiful baby girl. Ah, the bond between father and daughter is a bond like no other. Then say your second child is a strapping boy, and you rejoice because your family name will live on and you'll be able to repay all your debts with honor and dignity.

Now, let's say that your third child is a boozy dwarf and that your wife somehow dies while giving birth to him. its going to be hard, but you have got to try to curb your natural inclination to blame that little guy for her death. That baby still needs a dad, and no matter how many times you try to accidentally arrange his death, he's always going to outsmart you. Embrace him as your son and find room in your heart for your love to grow. Push him away too much or unsuccessfully arrange his murder one too many times, and that alcoholic dwarf just might shoot you with a crossbow while you're sitting on the shitter.

3. Above all else, protect your children's honor.

As a father, you have a duty to protect your children and uphold their honor by any means necessary. What that means is that if you enter into a deal where, in exchange for your daughter's hand in marriage, you commit your armies and allegiance, and that deal falls through, you take action. She's been dreaming of this marriage with a man she's never met for a long time, and you're going to sit back while she gets tossed aside for some dumb nurse?

I don't think so. As a father, you have to do whatever is necessary to protect your children, and if that means you have to set up a sham wedding in order to ambush and slaughter those that betrayed you, so be it. That's your baby girl, man.

4. Man up. Embrace your bastard.

[Alert: Unconfirmed future book spoilers ahead!!]

What's that? You accidentally impregnated a woman who wasn't your wife? What's that? You're pretending to have accidentally impregnated another woman who wasn't your wife in order to protect the honor of your recently slain sister who secretly had a baby with the son of your enemy? However you came to have a bastard son in your life, whether it be drunken tryst or the convoluted secret sheltering of your dead sister's child, love your bastard.

They didn't ask for the burden that was placed on them at birth, and life is going to be difficult enough for them without having to worry about the lack of affection from their father. Plus, you never know who they'll become. Maybe your bastard will grow up to be the greatest man to ever live, or maybe he'll grow up to be a lunatic torturer. You can't control everything, but you can control how much love you are willing to give them.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, have a baby with your sister.

That kid is going to turn into a real dick.