1. Turns Out Cookie Monster Is Also A Sex-Offense Monster
Iconic pastry-obsessed muppet Cookie Monster—or possibly a person dressed as him—was arrested in Times Square over the weekend after allegedly feeling up a teenaged tourist. Considering his legendary impulse control issues, this is probably something we should have seen coming.
Technically he was created by Dr. Cookie, that's why they call him The Cookie Monster.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 24, 2014
2. Science: Near-Death Experiences Continue To Not Be Real
According to a new study from the University of Michigan, so-called "near-death experiences"—in which people feel their spirits floating peacefully above their bodies or witness deceased loved ones coming to take them away to a better place—are mere hallucinations that result from the brain's attempts to speed up the heart's final actions so that the body can get on with decaying into nothingness in the cold, dark ground. Isn't science beautiful?
A near-death experience is just God butt dialing you
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 28, 2015
3. New Poll Reveals Which Areas Of The World Are Most Religious And Which Ones God Will Be Smiting Any Time Now
According to a new WIN/Gallup International poll, the most religious regions on Earth are Africa and the Middle East, with Thailand, Armenia and Bangladesh taking honors as the most devout nations. On the other hand, Western Europe and Oceania were found to be the least religious regions, while China, Japan and Sweden were the least devout nations. So, now you know where to go if you want to practice your religion without anybody murdering you.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing bigots they could dress up homophobia as religious freedom and still get into Heaven
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) April 2, 2015
4. 'Guitar Hero' And 'Rock Band' Are Coming Back To Suck Up Your Few Remaining Moments Of Free Time
After five terrible years spent not bashing a plastic guitar against the wall in frustration, fans of the video games Guitar Hero and Rock Band will finally be getting new and improved versions of their favorite time-sucks this fall, according to an announcement from Activision Blizzard Inc. So, make sure to get your affairs in order before their releases, because you won't be very productive for a while after that.
A Clinton running for president? A new Guitar Hero game? What year is it, 1992? 2006? A different one? What year is it? Who am I? What's hap
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 14, 2015
5. 'Wonder Woman' Director Fired From Project, Probably For Trying To Make It Good
Many people's justifiable qualms about DC/Warner Bros.'s upcoming adaptation of the Wonder Woman comic book series were assuaged upon learning that rock-solid TV director Michelle MacLaren (Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul) was hired to direct. That's all gone now, after news broke that MacLaren and Warner were parting ways due to "creative differences," which is probably code for "MacLaren tried to take the stink out of DC's silly-looking attempts to ape Marvel's extended universe."
P.S. MacLaren’s fondness for low angle shots plus Gadot's short Wonder Woman skirt would have been trouble. pic.twitter.com/AXKOxfTAtp
— Joanna Robinson (@jowrotethis) April 14, 2015