How do you know you've made it as an actor? When you can make a bunch of flops and people somehow keep giving you movies.
Oh, you were all once so innocent and not-shitty.
(via MovieCLIP and Paramount Movies on YouTube)
Terrible actors aren't born. Well, some of them are. But some of them are made terrible by being great actors who, over time, slide into a lukewarm bath of crapocity. Here are 10 now-sucky actors who used to be great, and the films currently streaming on Netflix that will remind you of how awesome they once were.
1. Adam Sandler
For many of us who were born in the 80s, Sandler's films are hard-wired into our brains — a sure way to break the tension with any stranger is to quote pretty much anything from Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore in Sandler's voice. ("Stop looking at me, schwwwwwan!" See? Now we're friends.) Sandler was even successful at moving into drama in PT Anderson's Punch Drunk Love. But Sandler has jumped into a big ball pit of mediocrity* over the last 10 or so years, making crap piles like Blended and Jack and Jill (which scored a flabbergasting 3% on Rotten Tomatoes— I'm pretty sure if you redubbed the entire film with absolute nonsense words, it would score higher). Sandler has even admitted that he now chooses films based on whether or not they film somewhere that would be nice to visit.
Films to watch on Netflix:Punch Drunk Love, Billy Madison
Films to avoid on Netflix: 50 First Dates, Click
2. Eddie Murphy
Long before Sandler was playing both brother and sister in Jack and Jill, Eddie Murphy was Klumpin' his way around the Nutty Professor films, proving that with enough acting skill, one man can play several different people farting. Murphy has long been considered kind of a jerk, but at least he used to make great movies and do great stand up. In this list of 25 essential 80s comedies, three of them are Eddie Murphy films — Coming to America, Trading Places, and Beverly Hills Cop.
Films to watch on Netflix:Eddie Murphy: Delirious, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, Coming to America
Films to avoid on Netflix:Daddy Day Care
3. John Travolta
When you see John Travolta running around with an inexplicable Serbian accent during Killing Season (the killing season appears to be fall, by the way), it can be difficult to remember that the man was once so many other things — a singing, dancing heartthrob in Grease, a badass hit man in Pulp Fiction, a tough alien in Battlefield Earth... wait, we should forget about that last one, too. But the guy was even good in the film Face/Off, which is well-regarded despite the fact that it also stars Nicholas Cage and is a ridiculous film about men changing their faces.
Films to watch on Netflix:Grease, Pulp Fiction, Face/Off
Films to avoid on Netflix:Killing Season
4. Robert De Niro
While we're on the topic of the Killing Season, it takes two to... make a film called Killing Season, and De Niro is the fool who agreed to be the other piece of bread in that shit sandwich. De Niro is still a good actor, but like one of those guys who tries to hand out his rap album to strangers on the street, De Niro will just give his acting to anyone. Meet the Parents? Sure! 50 sequels to it? Why not! Analyze This, that, and the other? Yup. Last Vegas? More like "Not his last paycheck from a milquetoast comedy!" But this is the man who was in Taxi Driver. The King of Comedy. Jackie Brown. Casino. Basically, a bunch of things that are so much better than 75% of the movies he's making now.
Films to watch on Netflix:Silver Linings Playbook, Taxi Driver, Jackie Brown
Films to avoid on Netflix:Killing Season, The Big Wedding
5. Lindsay Lohan
It feels kind of awful to point out that Lindsay Lohan is worse than she used to be, because she was a woman who grew up in Hollywood and fell apart so publicly. That said, the same girl who made 2004's Mean Girls so excellent gave a performance in 2009's Labor Pains that made one reviewer say of Lohan, "she teeters through scene after scene, announcing her lines in varying degrees of confusion (eyes wide) and exasperation (eyes wider)." And this is before the confusing crap-pile of an Elizabeth Taylor bio pic, Liz & Dick, which was, at best, "spectacularly bad." At least if you're going to be bad, you can be spectacular at it!
Films to watch on Netflix: Mean Girls
Films to avoid on Netflix:Liz & Dick
6. Mike Myers
Mike Myers is an incredibly gifted comedic actor, and with Wayne's World and Austin Powers, he anchored two of the biggest comedy movie franchises of the 90s. And then... The Love Guru. A film so bad that, in the trailer, they felt the need to add bell noises when Myers makes winky looks to camera. Which he does a lot. Unlike some of the other folks on this list, I think enough time has passed for us to welcome Myers back with open arms. And based on all the other nostalgia-fueled films that have been announced recently, either Wayne's World 3 or Austin Powers 4 has to be on the way, right?
Films to watch on Netflix:Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2
Films to avoid on Netflix: Lucky for Mike, most of his worst films aren't streaming. But you should probably still skip his mediocre dramatic foray Pete's Meteor.
7. Mel Gibson
When you search for someone in 2015 and the film they made in 1995 is the first thing everyone mentions even though they've stayed active, there's probably something wrong with their career. And Braveheart is great. Mad Max? Yes, I'm on board. Questionable portrayal of Jews in your film Passion of the Christ and then drunken tirades about how Jews are ruling the world? Go fuck yourself, Mel. But his career was having problems before that, too — anyone remember a grounded little "romantic" "comedy" called What Women Want about an alpha male who gets an electric shock and then can hear women's thoughts, and also that man is Mel Gibson? I feel like the writer pitched that concept to a Hollywood exec, saying "I dare you to make this movie." And the exec was like "I dare you to write it." And they kept daring and double-daring each other until it was in all of our goddamn movie theaters.
Films to watch on Netflix:Braveheart
Films to avoid on Netflix:Passion of the Christ
8. Johnny Depp
It's one thing to have a type or style that you do and another to just devolve into doing a face-painted weirdo in every single film you make. Lone Ranger, Pirates of the Caribbean 1-15, Alice in Wonderland, Dark Shadows... I'm not trying to say I want Johnny Depp to stop being a weirdo — Edward Scissorhands and Benny and Joon are both nostalgic favorites of mine — but maybe try throwing something else in the mix? At least a different kind of weirdo, man? (And no, Mordecai doesn't count — the Rotten Tomatoes critics consensus on that one was that it was "aggressively strange and willfully unfunny.") Maybe Johnny Depp doesn't remember that he's allowed to play normal guys. Let's all go give him a hug.
Films to watch on Netflix:What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Lost in La Mancha, Donnie Brasco
Films to avoid on Netflix: Like Mike Myers, Depp's worst films aren't streaming right now. Good for you, buddy.
9. Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage willingly starred in a very serious film about the rapture that beat out Jack and Jill for the lowest Rotten Tomatoes rating on this list—Left Behindnetted just 2% on the Tomatometer. 2%! And this is after starring in poop films like Ghost Rider and a bunch of movies with one-word titles like Rage and Outcast, as if whoever released the films was afraid that more than one word would frighten their target audience away. ("Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance"? That has five words! Collections of words scare me!")
All of this said, Nicholas Cage — especially early Nicholas Cage, when he paired up with excellent filmmakers — can be a delight. Raising Arizona, Moonstruck, and Adaptation are all classics. Find a child who only knows recent Nic Cage, and show them one of these films. Actually, please just show a child Adaptation, and let me know how that goes.
Films to watch on Netflix:Moonstruck
Films to avoid on Netflix:Seeking Justice, Rage
10. Harrison Ford
On the eve of the new Star Wars films, let's all hold hands and remember a Harrison Ford who meant something. Not the Harrison Ford who was getting nuked in the fridge, but the one in the original Indiana Jones trilogy: flawed, debonair, and risk-taking but still within the realm of physical believability. Let's remember Harrison's Blade Runner, his great performance in Witness, and all of the other films that occurred before Ford began making the seemingly inevitable "I'm getting older so I guess I'm making a lot of action movies?" slide that so many of the men on this list made.
Films to watch on Netflix:Witness
Films to avoid on Netflix:Paranoia
* In the ball pit of mediocrity, all of the balls are khaki-colored.