1. Superman And Batman Were Powerless To Stop Their Full Trailer From Leaking Online
A crappy, camera-phone version of the full two-minute trailer for Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice—which wasn't supposed to be officially released until next week—has already been uploaded to the Internet. So, if you want to be introduced to the first real footage from next summer's most anticipated movie in the least pleasant way possible, simply click on the video below. I already did 14 times.
"Tell me. Do you bleed? You wi---OH NO YOU'VE THROWN ME INTO THE SUN!" - Batman v. Superman in any logical universe.
— Jeff Loveness (@JeffLoveness) April 17, 2015
2. Disney's Value Rose By $2 Billion Yesterday, Based Mostly On How Many Times I Watched The New 'Star Wars' Trailer
In the wake of yesterday's surprise release of the second teaser trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens and the excitement generated by it, Disney's stocks rose by approximately one percent. That doesn't sound like much, but it's the equivalent of about two billion dollars or twelve parsecs.
I watched the new Star Wars trailer so many times, my hymen grew back.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) April 17, 2015
3. ESPN Reporter Is Sincerely Sorry That She Was Caught On Tape Being Awful Human Being
ESPN reporter Britt McHenry has publicly apologized for being stupid enough to get caught on tape acting like herself and berating a towing company employee, thus requiring her employer to suspend her for a full week. "In an intense and stressful moment, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and said some insulting and regrettable things," she unconvincingly explained via Twitter before beginning her unexpected seven-day vacation.
Since Britt McHenry is so smart and all with her college degree shouldn't she at least know where to properly park her car?
— Cory Williams (@corylynn22) April 17, 2015
4. Jealous Of His Magic Beans, Mortal Doctors Ask University To Fire Dr. Oz
A bunch of jealous human doctors—who have not yet discovered how to harness the immense weight-losing power of green coffee bean extract or how to be factually accurate on television nearly half of the time—are demanding that Columbia University relieve Dr. Mehmet Oz from his faculty position. The university, however, has bravely decided to stand by its cash cow.
I'm an optimist so I see the Dr Oz show as "half-accurate."
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) December 20, 2014
5. Brand New Three-Square-Mile Eastern European Country With No Military Continues To Exist As Of Time Of Publication
More than 20,000 people have already applied for citizenship in the brand new 2.7-square-mile nation of Liberland, located in unclaimed territory between Serbia and Croatia. The micronation boasts no military and has a "passive defense" policy toward aggression from neighboring states. Based upon everything we know of Eastern European history and politics, this country will last for a thousand years.
Liberland, the Balkans' Newest Micronation, Is Looking for Citizens http://t.co/fy3oP2AQ7G via @NikiBGD
— Danica Radisic (@NikiBGD) April 16, 2015
voted most likely to secede (and form a micronation with much more lax rules on public nudity and no open container laws)
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) May 13, 2013