Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow's condescension is strong enough for a man but made for a woman.
As you've probably heard by now, Gwynnie tried and failed to feed herself for a week on just $29 as part of the #FoodBankNYCChallenge. And while there are a billion jokes I could make about that – including wondering why the hell her grocery haul included seven limes for one week when the only time I've ever used that many so fast was when they were accompanied by a shaker of salt and a bottle of tequila – alas, I can't give her too much shit about it.
This is what $29 gets you at the grocery store—what families on SNAP (i.e. food stamps) have to live on for a week. pic.twitter.com/OZMPA3nxij
— Gwyneth Paltrow (@GwynethPaltrow) April 9, 2015
Truth is she brought attention to an issue that sorely needed it, and wrote about it pretty damned eloquently to boot. She exhibited a rare understanding of, you know, actual human beings, so on this issue, I'm happy to give Gwynnie a round of applause. Credit where it's due.
And – bonus! – having such a limited number of ingredients to work with produced some fairly simple recipes you could probably make without the assistance of a Food Network celebrity. Except maybe the Black Bean Cakes, which I swear use a little of EVERY SINGLE THING SHE BOUGHT and whose instructions start with “combine the first 6 ingredients in a food processor."
Oh, Gwynnie. Good to have you back.
Now let's move along and cleanse our palates with the Spring Bag Guide. There are a few token selections for the poors among you, like a $40 H&M drawstring bag and a $98 Ann Taylor crossbody bag. They're fine, but when you spend thousands instead, you're clearly buying quality in both materials and design. [cough]
Take, for example, this $1900 Celine curved clutch. Or as I call it, the "needs more cowbell" bag.
Next we have an array of personalized jewelry, which includes a $1300 pinky ring, a $5000 Tiffany bracelet and, oddly, some $1050 “shoulder knocker" earrings that you know some nouveau riche soccer mom thinks are sooooo cute.
Meanwhile, her Upper East Side friends privately roll their eyes and whisper “my maid got a pair just like them at Claire's."
And finally, let's peruse the always-entertaining What's New page. That's where you'll find $1700 blazers, $223 canvas totes and phrases like "Love the culottes? They're coming soon." (Which, if you ask me, sounds an awful lot like a terroristic threat.)
Also highlighted is this $900 Mother of Pearl disaster that expertly combines three utterly unwearable patterns in one vertigo-inducing dress.
Styled, of course, with $770 Stella McCartney sandals made of polyester, acrylic and polyurethane that will no doubt leave your feet sweaty and fragrant as an NBA locker room!
As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.