"Today, I'll show you how to make huckleberry wine in your very own toilet bowl."
So far, I have met anybody who's admitted to harboring a fetish for imagining Martha Stewart driving an artisanal shiv into another person's abdomen repeatedly until their roughly perforated entrails fall like autumnal confetti atop the lifestyle entrepreneur's elegantly simple canvas sandals, but I'm sure they're out there.
And if they're not, they will be after the upcoming season of Netflix's Orange Is the New Black, which will apparently feature a character based upon American mom's favorite ex-convict. According to Time Magazine:
While [show creator Jenji] Kohan is tight-lipped about the upcoming season of Orange Is the New Black she did reveal to Time that there will be a character inspired by Martha Stewart when the show returns June 12.
Apparently, Piper Kerman mentioned in the memoir upon which the show is based that Stewart came this close to being sent to the same prison in which she was spending a year. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, and Stewart served her five-month term in some West Virginia lock-up where no one was writing a best-selling memoir. So, we have no actual shivving anecdotes to muse upon. Sigh.
Anyway, there's no word on who will be playing the fictional Martha Stewart onscreen, but we do know that she will be southern instead of northeastern. Does anybody know if Gwyneth Paltrow's southern accent has improved since Country Strong? I feel like this might be the part she was born to play.